I love how I started a trend of telling our life stories since TTS started dying...GO ME! xD
You're a trendsetter, Kaze.
I second this. ;)
I miss the times had in this place like crazy.....to those of you that remember and know me, you know what I mean. :-)
I know what ya mean, girlie, I surely do know what ya mean. Now lets go watch some Family Guy XP
I know that feel, bro :3
Place has kinda died off which is a shame, I personally have had a lot to deal with this past yr and a half...meeting the woman I feel in love with, but she lives in England and me in Northern Ireland so that on its own was a challenge. I gave it my all we got engaged, but she broke it off and at the moment I dont know where it stands, anyway that a side, I did travel a lot to England which I really enjoyed, so it wasnt all bad. What im trying to say is, I have fallen away from the site a lot, I think im over the whole Twilight thing, tho I admit for a while i was sucked into the whole romance love story of it all. I will watch the last film just cause i want to see how it pans out. I had a lot of fun here and met a lot of really nice people, some of which I have on fb, and some of which I havent been keeping in contact with as much as I should, which im sorry for. When i first came online, into the bigh interweb unknown, this was kinda the first place I made online friends, so I will always have fond memories of here, for those of you that came on here when I did and got to know me, thank you for making it fun.
I will make an effort to come in and post a little more, dont know if anyone will be here when I come in, but hey time difference and all that.
Recently, this has been the only place that I can open up about my feelings, not be judged and get some closure by letting it out. So I'm gonna go on a rant. Beware: Could be very depressing and questioning.
Me and my girlfriend of about 2 years recently broke up. It's killing me. Even though I wanted to end it because it wasn't really a relationship anymore, I didn't have such strong feelings anymore, and I wanted to move on. She however didn't feel the same. We had a very brutal breakup but her words stung me so bad. I realized then what a terrible person I have become and what a terrible boyfriend I have been. She always did everything she could to make me happy and cared about me a lot, maybe a little too much. I did care about her, but not like I should have. I did some suckish things that I regret. She was really trying to get me to come back and try to change, but we both knew in our hearts that I can't just change like that. Mentally, we were both exhausted from trying to keep this up especially with her family and friends hating me. Mine were the same but not as strong as hers.
I thought it was going to happen sooner or later, but I just can't get over it. It's tearing me apart and every night I get depressed realizing how alone I really am. I feel like that during the day sometimes too. I only have a few true friends and opening up to them feels to awkward for me cause they never really help. They just kind of listen and agree, which is fine but it doesn't give me closure and help me get over my problems.
Also, as much as I HATE to admit it, I don't think I ever truly loved my girlfriend truly. I always listen to songs, watch shows, see couples together and how they act, and I never really felt that strong towards her. I know I can't force love but I wish I could. Towards to end we had a lot of fights and it was getting too hard to handle. So we both ended it even though I know she really didn't want to.
I should be feeling happy and free. I should be feeling relieved and she should be the one all depressed but it's the exact opposite. She's as free and happy as a butterfly and I'm as miserable as lonely cockroach that nobody likes. I'm friendly and all but that's all I'm ever really seen as, a friend.
Recently, I met this really awesome girl at the college I'm going to. We talk and stuff and we got a lot in common and we get along really well and she's beautiful <3 not to mention she was the Prom Queen last year at her school and I had no idea when I met. She sat next to me at college orientation cause I was the only who didn't look "ghetto" lol BUT she has a boyfriend and it's like...wow I'm really alone. I want to get to know her more and keep her around for sure but I can't help getting all smiley when I'm around her. SHE invited me to go to lunch before we went to visit the campus we're going to. Tell me how all that throws me off. I don't know if she likes me or not. The only reason I may have a chance is cause her boyfriend lives in NY for school there. Besides that, he's 10x more attractive, has an awesome personality that's very similar to mine(or so I've heard), is 24, and is going to medical school to be a doctor! What do I got? Nothing...
That's another thing, I don't have anything. I don't know what I want to do in life or where I see myself in 5 years. It's bugging me and I don't know what to do!!!! It's like "What do you want to do for the rest of your life?" and I'm like "I don't know!!! That's a hard decision!" That's why I'm just going to get my AA at a community college so I can just transfer after that and I should know by then what I want to do. Plus it's cheaper.
Music always seemed to be my passion and something I loved to do, but it's an unrealistic career that is almost impossible to do well in. Speaking of music, thank god for it. It helps me feel better. Especially bands like Relient K and Mayday Parade :)
Sorry for the rant, there's just so much on my mind right now and I needed to get it out somehow without physically talking to someone about it and without being judged.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING!
I suck at words in real life. I choke and don't know what to say. I'm terrible at making good conversation and I don't know why! I wish I was better at that cause sometimes stuff like this or other things are on my mind but I'm just stupid and don't know how to take my thoughts and put them into smart or clever words. Not even. I just can't speak my mind cause it all gets jumbled up and makes me seem so stupid but it's just that I'm better at writing my thoughts than speaking them cause I feel like they are more organized that way. Even here, it probably seems like my words are all random and make no sense together.
I'm such a screw up and jinx for everything too. I can't be happy long enough until something blows up in my face and makes everything 10x worse. I don't realize how my words or actions affect people a lot and it always comes back to haunt me. Than I would try to put my words and thoughts into song form, and usually that comes out terrible too.
"Over it" by Relient K is really how I'm feeling right now. It's a really chill song. Listen to it if you get the chance. I'm really talking to myself cause I doubt anyone wants to read about my problems -_- it's okay though. As long as I let it out somehow.
You know, I really wish my old friend still lived near me. She used to live in my neighborhood and she would be the person I could talk to about this stuff in person with no problem getting my words out. She always knew how to make me feel better and we would hang out at night and just walk around the neighborhood, talking :) I miss her so much. She moved to England and I can't really see her until like June. That's if I save enough money by then to get a round trip to and from England and stay with her for a couple weeks. Wow...I really miss her. We understood each other so well. We still talk via Whatsapp chat and Skype every so often but it's not the same as actually being with her. It's like, when you're hanging out with a friend and you text them later it's just not the same as being with them. Could I be in love with her? ...I don't think so. I really don't know. She's not into my type anyway. She's into the masculine, hispanic, sporty guys. That's not me at all -___- I have geeky qualities with a hint of masculinity and a splash of chill/cool guy lol
To anyone reading this, thanks for listening. Time for me to go curl up and die.(also a Relient K song)
You know what, I felt like this was me reading about my feelings. Not everything but majority of it. I may not be of real help but I understand how you're feeling. I actually feel like I suck at relationships. In the beginning, I'm a different person, it's like the person doesn't really see my flaws or maybe even likes them but as the relationship grows, they get to know more of me and I feel like they don't like what they see. I know how it is to not feel as strongly about someone as they do and then feel guilty about it. I was too long in a relationship only because I felt guilty that I didn't love that guy as much as he did or that's what I told myself and beat myself over and over about it. It didn't work out. So it was the right decision on your part to break up if things weren't working out and you felt exhausted. I haven't ever really found love like I read in books or see in movies and sometimes I feel like it's just a myth. Maybe someone is out there who is your soul mate or maybe not. Maybe the closest you can get to someone is who understands you really well and makes you happy even if your likes and dislikes differ majorly and your friend circle and everything else is totally different. I don't know you well but reading what you've written I feel (and I might be very wrong) that you're feeling really crappy because of guilt and because your idea of love wasn't really love. It might also have something to do with someone not being in your life. And obviously not knowing how to explain how you feel and no one to talk to is a bummer.
I know you might already know this but don't rush things with the girl you like and don't be the reason that she breaks up with another guy. You never do it intentionally but sometimes it happens that you manage to be the third person who ruined someone's relationship not knowing where you were at fault. Let her be the one who lets you know if she likes you or not, otherwise things might get weird or complicated. And don't put yourself down. The girl who really likes you won't have a problem with you not being a doctor or a greek-god incarnate. ;)
It's okay to be single for a while. Maybe you'll enjoy it. It might not be your day, month or hell year, but feeling miserable about it and beating yourself over something you have no control over wouldn't help. Try doing other things you like. Make more music, hang out with friends without thinking about your problems and just keep yourself busy so you don't have time to let those feelings get the better of you.
Oh I know all about not being able to communicate with another person because you suck at giving words to your thoughts. It's so much easier to express yourself by writing down your feelings. Everything just flows out of you with a pen in hand (or in this case, a keyboard :P) doesn't it? It feels easier to share something with someone you don't know well because usually they don't judge and even if they do, it doesn't make a difference what they think about you. Everyone is a screw-up in some way or other and our imperfections and mistakes make us what we are today. Not making mistakes is simply not possible but realizing them and not repeating them is where the difference lies.
I'm sorry about how things aren't working out for you right now and how even your best friend is so far away. Video chatting with someone can never compare to what it's like to actually hang out with them and it sucks big time if that person is really close to you. I really hope that things turn out to be better soon, with or without a girlfriend. :)
It will pass. Right now you might be feeling real low but soon you'll move on and find something that makes you happy. Cheer up!