Recently, this has been the only place that I can open up about my feelings, not be judged and get some closure by letting it out. So I'm gonna go on a rant. Beware: Could be very depressing and questioning.
Me and my girlfriend of about 2 years recently broke up. It's killing me. Even though I wanted to end it because it wasn't really a relationship anymore, I didn't have such strong feelings anymore, and I wanted to move on. She however didn't feel the same. We had a very brutal breakup but her words stung me so bad. I realized then what a terrible person I have become and what a terrible boyfriend I have been. She always did everything she could to make me happy and cared about me a lot, maybe a little too much. I did care about her, but not like I should have. I did some suckish things that I regret. She was really trying to get me to come back and try to change, but we both knew in our hearts that I can't just change like that. Mentally, we were both exhausted from trying to keep this up especially with her family and friends hating me. Mine were the same but not as strong as hers.
I thought it was going to happen sooner or later, but I just can't get over it. It's tearing me apart and every night I get depressed realizing how alone I really am. I feel like that during the day sometimes too. I only have a few true friends and opening up to them feels to awkward for me cause they never really help. They just kind of listen and agree, which is fine but it doesn't give me closure and help me get over my problems.
Also, as much as I HATE to admit it, I don't think I ever truly loved my girlfriend truly. I always listen to songs, watch shows, see couples together and how they act, and I never really felt that strong towards her. I know I can't force love but I wish I could. Towards to end we had a lot of fights and it was getting too hard to handle. So we both ended it even though I know she really didn't want to.
I should be feeling happy and free. I should be feeling relieved and she should be the one all depressed but it's the exact opposite. She's as free and happy as a butterfly and I'm as miserable as lonely cockroach that nobody likes. I'm friendly and all but that's all I'm ever really seen as, a friend.
Recently, I met this really awesome girl at the college I'm going to. We talk and stuff and we got a lot in common and we get along really well and she's beautiful <3 not to mention she was the Prom Queen last year at her school and I had no idea when I met. She sat next to me at college orientation cause I was the only who didn't look "ghetto" lol BUT she has a boyfriend and it's like...wow I'm really alone. I want to get to know her more and keep her around for sure but I can't help getting all smiley when I'm around her. SHE invited me to go to lunch before we went to visit the campus we're going to. Tell me how all that throws me off. I don't know if she likes me or not. The only reason I may have a chance is cause her boyfriend lives in NY for school there. Besides that, he's 10x more attractive, has an awesome personality that's very similar to mine(or so I've heard), is 24, and is going to medical school to be a doctor! What do I got? Nothing...
That's another thing, I don't have anything. I don't know what I want to do in life or where I see myself in 5 years. It's bugging me and I don't know what to do!!!! It's like "What do you want to do for the rest of your life?" and I'm like "I don't know!!! That's a hard decision!" That's why I'm just going to get my AA at a community college so I can just transfer after that and I should know by then what I want to do. Plus it's cheaper.
Music always seemed to be my passion and something I loved to do, but it's an unrealistic career that is almost impossible to do well in. Speaking of music, thank god for it. It helps me feel better. Especially bands like Relient K and Mayday Parade :)
Sorry for the rant, there's just so much on my mind right now and I needed to get it out somehow without physically talking to someone about it and without being judged.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING!
I suck at words in real life. I choke and don't know what to say. I'm terrible at making good conversation and I don't know why! I wish I was better at that cause sometimes stuff like this or other things are on my mind but I'm just stupid and don't know how to take my thoughts and put them into smart or clever words. Not even. I just can't speak my mind cause it all gets jumbled up and makes me seem so stupid but it's just that I'm better at writing my thoughts than speaking them cause I feel like they are more organized that way. Even here, it probably seems like my words are all random and make no sense together.
I'm such a screw up and jinx for everything too. I can't be happy long enough until something blows up in my face and makes everything 10x worse. I don't realize how my words or actions affect people a lot and it always comes back to haunt me. Than I would try to put my words and thoughts into song form, and usually that comes out terrible too.
"Over it" by Relient K is really how I'm feeling right now. It's a really chill song. Listen to it if you get the chance. I'm really talking to myself cause I doubt anyone wants to read about my problems -_- it's okay though. As long as I let it out somehow.
You know, I really wish my old friend still lived near me. She used to live in my neighborhood and she would be the person I could talk to about this stuff in person with no problem getting my words out. She always knew how to make me feel better and we would hang out at night and just walk around the neighborhood, talking :) I miss her so much. She moved to England and I can't really see her until like June. That's if I save enough money by then to get a round trip to and from England and stay with her for a couple weeks. Wow...I really miss her. We understood each other so well. We still talk via Whatsapp chat and Skype every so often but it's not the same as actually being with her. It's like, when you're hanging out with a friend and you text them later it's just not the same as being with them. Could I be in love with her? ...I don't think so. I really don't know. She's not into my type anyway. She's into the masculine, hispanic, sporty guys. That's not me at all -___- I have geeky qualities with a hint of masculinity and a splash of chill/cool guy lol
To anyone reading this, thanks for listening. Time for me to go curl up and die.(also a Relient K song)
You know what, I felt like this was me reading about my feelings. Not everything but majority of it. I may not be of real help but I understand how you're feeling. I actually feel like I suck at relationships. In the beginning, I'm a different person, it's like the person doesn't really see my flaws or maybe even likes them but as the relationship grows, they get to know more of me and I feel like they don't like what they see. I know how it is to not feel as strongly about someone as they do and then feel guilty about it. I was too long in a relationship only because I felt guilty that I didn't love that guy as much as he did or that's what I told myself and beat myself over and over about it. It didn't work out. So it was the right decision on your part to break up if things weren't working out and you felt exhausted. I haven't ever really found love like I read in books or see in movies and sometimes I feel like it's just a myth. Maybe someone is out there who is your soul mate or maybe not. Maybe the closest you can get to someone is who understands you really well and makes you happy even if your likes and dislikes differ majorly and your friend circle and everything else is totally different. I don't know you well but reading what you've written I feel (and I might be very wrong) that you're feeling really crappy because of guilt and because your idea of love wasn't really love. It might also have something to do with someone not being in your life. And obviously not knowing how to explain how you feel and no one to talk to is a bummer.
I know you might already know this but don't rush things with the girl you like and don't be the reason that she breaks up with another guy. You never do it intentionally but sometimes it happens that you manage to be the third person who ruined someone's relationship not knowing where you were at fault. Let her be the one who lets you know if she likes you or not, otherwise things might get weird or complicated. And don't put yourself down. The girl who really likes you won't have a problem with you not being a doctor or a greek-god incarnate. ;)
It's okay to be single for a while. Maybe you'll enjoy it. It might not be your day, month or hell year, but feeling miserable about it and beating yourself over something you have no control over wouldn't help. Try doing other things you like. Make more music, hang out with friends without thinking about your problems and just keep yourself busy so you don't have time to let those feelings get the better of you.
Oh I know all about not being able to communicate with another person because you suck at giving words to your thoughts. It's so much easier to express yourself by writing down your feelings. Everything just flows out of you with a pen in hand (or in this case, a keyboard :P) doesn't it? It feels easier to share something with someone you don't know well because usually they don't judge and even if they do, it doesn't make a difference what they think about you. Everyone is a screw-up in some way or other and our imperfections and mistakes make us what we are today. Not making mistakes is simply not possible but realizing them and not repeating them is where the difference lies.
I'm sorry about how things aren't working out for you right now and how even your best friend is so far away. Video chatting with someone can never compare to what it's like to actually hang out with them and it sucks big time if that person is really close to you. I really hope that things turn out to be better soon, with or without a girlfriend. :)
It will pass. Right now you might be feeling real low but soon you'll move on and find something that makes you happy. Cheer up!
I read the whole thing and it felt like you really understood me there :) Thanks a lot. I'll be sure to take the advice you said like not being the third person to ruin the relationship. Maybe I'll just stay single for a while. I would say more but I'm really tired and not too sure how to give a better response right now lol thanks though. It only happens at night though is when I start thinking and getting depressed. I won't even try to think about something and it just pops up. Like today, I was driving to drop off some papers for where I'm about to start working at(it's a movie theater called Regal)and on my way I realized that my ex goes there all the time. Then it hit me, what if while I'm working there I see her? That's going to be incredibly awkward. But yeah this just happens at night for some reason lol
Tell me about it. Every night that I plan to sleep a lil earlier, my brain starts putting in thoughts about every thing I don't want to remember.
Uh, that would be really awkward. Maybe by then both of you have moved on? A little optimism can work wonders. :P
Kaze? You can't see me right now but I'm glaring at you over how down on yourself you're being.
Listen up bub. I'm really sorry that your relationship is over. Break-ups suck and can be really hard on some people...some more than others. What you should realize is that we sometimes stay in a relationship and we try to make it work for the wrong reasons. Maybe because we don't like to lose, maybe because we are used to having that person in our lives or maybe because that person is so great that we can't bear to lose them. It IS possible for two great people to be in a relationship but be all wrong for each other. Sometimes they happen to bring out the worse in each other too. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's really hard to believe that you don't have attractive/interesting qualities to you. The person you will love and will love you back will bring out those qualities in you. Trust me.
I don't know what to say about this new girl that you seem to think has a perfect boyfriend that you can't compete with. I would say that it's a sticky situation and it would be best that you try to not get your hopes up, not because you can't compete with the guy, but because you deserve to be with someone who is emotionally available -- something which she is not.
As far as your not knowing what you want to do with your life? That's really ok. You don't have to know right this minute. It'll come to you. I hate it when people ask me: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I just look at them and think: "Who the hell knows?" It's really great to have a plan and goals, but know that life doesn't always work out the way you want it to. Work on immediate goals for the time being and the big ones will start making themselves known to you.
Thanks :) I think you're right about my previous relationship though. I just have to find someone who would bring out the best in me. For me, it's the new girl I met. I get excited when she texts me and she makes me want to do some crazy things and she's fun to be around :) I haven't known her for too long though so I'm going to try and get to know her more before I do anything stupid. I'm driving her to classes until she gets her license and her car. We were thinking of being gym buddies too so I'll see how that works out. Haha I made a pun without noticing xD
I think I'll just do what you said and work on the immediate goals and it'll come to me eventually. Thanks again :)
Hello lovely people.
I miss you I really do! You didn't know it but you guys were there for me when I was in a really lonely, dark place. I am so much happier now and I am a very busy bee. Both my kids are at school now so I'm going back to work full time, I'm still with my boyfriend. We've moved in together and everything XD
Buffy and Navs - Thanks for getting me TOTALLY addicted to The Hunger Games (Have you guys read Divergent?)
Jacen - dude hows the evil thing working out for you?
Luna - Are you a published poet yet?
Lynette - Where is your smiley face?
Luffles you all
Do you even realize how much you're missed? *glares*
I'm really happy to see that things are good for you. I understand that you're really busy but you need to drop by more often! And such a great news on the boyfriend front! Woot! <3
Haha! I have done a fair job recommending THG to a hell lot of people. xD
Yep. I have. Not sure about Buffy. Have you?
Love you and miss you a lot!
No. :( I miss you so much Ella!
Ella, this just happened. I'm not published but I just released a spoken word EP with six poems I've written. That's as close as it gets, but that was a lot of fun. :)
I have yet to read Divergent. I know that it has sequels and sequels coming out or something like that and I sort of promised myself that I wouldn't dare start another unfinished series yet. So I'm waiting a bit longer, but I'll read it eventually.
I'm so happy you like THG. I just lent the trilogy to a friend yesterday, who had the nerve to tell me she hadn't read them. I was going to like...defriend her if she refused to read them. >.>
Happy that things are working out with the bf. He's one less person we have to put on our "castration" list. XD
Kisses to the little people (yo babies)