No Choice - Story now complete.
Edward returns to Forks to fight for a hurt and angry Bella. Not such an easy thing to do in this story. This is set after the Cullens have been away for quite a few months but before Bella makes the decision to cliff dive. I hope you enjoy the differences. A huge thankyou to Shellym127 and Wyldfyre for my wonderful banners.
Cheers
Michelle
Chapter Thirty One (APOV) - Page 50 Chapter Thirty Two (BPOV) - Page 53 Chapter Thirty Three (EPOV) - Page 57 Chapter Thirty Four (BPOV) - Page 60
Chapter Thirty Five (EPOV) - Page 65
Chapter Thirty Six (EPOV) - Page 68
Chapter Thirty Seven (BPOV) - Page 71
Chapter Thirty Eight (APOV) - Page 74
The small pockets of warmth and hope that had been slowly finding their way into my damaged soul were threatening to disappear and it left me with a feeling of despair. Just when I thought that I had found some kind of reasonable existence – even a small tinge of happiness – I could feel that it was slipping away. Why did Jacob, my loving, fun, happy source of sunshine have to confuse our friendship for something more? Why couldn’t we just keep being friends and continue healing the broken pieces of my soul one small piece at a time through the warmth he had managed to bring to my life. Selfish, selfish. I knew it for what it was. I was being remarkably selfish to put him through this. To make him keep his distance at the same time as trying to pull his warmth into my very being. I was being unfair. He was being accepting. I should leave him alone but I really wasn’t sure that I could. I needed him to get me through this. It was only with him that I felt even remotely like myself – a shadow for sure but at least it was something beyond that awful place I was at when the other one left. I started to see the other’s face but I pulled myself away from that image and concentrated on Jacob, a different type of pain but somehow something less confronting. What choice was I going to make here? Neither choice would help. I would never love Jacob the way he wanted. Who am I kidding, I would never love anyone the way I should. I was damaged in that respect. I had known love and it had been ripped away. The darkness threatened to engulf me again. Concentrate - we are not thinking about that appalling time. Jacob. Yes Jacob. He knew that I couldn’t love him that way but he felt it might happen in time if I just let it. My choices could lead to even more heartache for him and I knew what that was like. Was I willing to put him through the emotional void I had experienced just so I could start to feel better myself? I had never been a selfish person. I had always been the one to look after others but……. I needed help and he was the only one who could give it.
“Bella. Are you home?” The front door slammed as Charlie entered the house. I quickly studied myself in the mirror. Not that I really cared what I looked like but I didn’t want Charlie to see that I had been crying again. It would break his heart if he thought that I was returning to that awful place I was at a few months ago. He was happy that I had finally managed to pull myself out of that hole and I was pretty sure that he was thanking Jacob for that in his own head. He knew I had a long way to go but I didn’t want to give him even an inkling that I could fall back into that abyss with the slightest provocation. It would hurt him. I sighed. There was always someone for me to hurt.
“Here dad”. I called as I made my way downstairs.
“ How was your day? Did you have fun with Jacob?” he enquired while he studied my face.
I pulled my face into a calm mask and answered the way I knew he wanted. “ Sure, we always have a good time together. We just hung out. You know how it is dad.”
“ When are you seeing him again?” Subtle Charlie. Why don’t you just ask me when are we going to get married and have kids so that you can be sure that I won’t completely lose it again.
“ Um. Not so sure. We are both pretty busy from here on in. You know school going back and all. I am sure it will be soon though” I added because I saw his face show a small sign of panic. “ Have to go dad the grocery store is calling or we won’t have any food. See ya.” I made a dash for the door before he could continue with the discussion and lead me to confess that not all was right between Jacob and I. It wasn’t something that I wanted to face.
Life was full of mundane everyday routines and this was one of them. Grocery shopping. Thank goodness for the mundane. It let me look like I was functioning without really having to think about what was going on in all the other parts of my life. It made people think that I was surviving when all I wanted to really do was curl up into a ball and……. Not an option I told myself firmly. You are not the only person that is impacted by your choices. Charlie, Renee, Jacob, Angela. All people I loved and wanted to protect. One step in front of the other. Slowly but surely things would get better.
I had finished the shopping and was heading out to the carpark. I looked up to see that the shadows were deepening and that twilight was upon us. Twilight was his favourite time. I shuddered and deliberately made my thoughts wander from that potentially destructive course of images. When would this stop. I sighed for the umpteenth time and started to put the groceries in the boot of the car.
“ Bella”. I closed my eyes tightly. Why on earth was I hearing his voice. I was putting groceries in the car for god’s sake. I wasn’t doing anything dangerous that could lead me to hearing his voice. I wasn’t trying to be reckless on one of the motorbikes that Jacob had fixed for me. I wasn’t putting myself into any danger by talking to strange men in the middle of a quiet Port Angeles street. There wasn’t anything remotely threatening in what I was doing at all. I chose to ignore it and kept packing.
“ Ah excuse me Bella”. Now I know I am going mad. His voice was never pleasant when he spoke to me in my mind. He was always angry at me for what I was doing. What a joke. My mind obviously wanted to believe that he cared when I put myself in danger even though I knew that there was nothing further from the truth. This was different though. This was that beautiful sing song voice that I had cast from my mind when he had told me he didn’t love me anymore. When he had told me that he no longer existed. Why on earth was I hearing it now?
I slowly turned around to see what was going on. I gasped and instantly felt a fierce joy overcome me. It was instantly rebuffed however as my mind began to register what was happening in front of me. This could not be real. Edward stood about two metres in front of me, flanked by his family. Every single one of them. How could that be? Why on earth were they all here in front of me in a carpark of all places. Edward looked nervous. Alice looked elated. Jasper was worried. Emmett was smirking. Rosalie looked bored. Carlisle and Esme stood a little behind. It seemed like ages before anyone spoke. I couldn’t even grasp if this was reality or some sick fantasy. I had pushed all these people to the bottom of my subconscious in the hope of gaining some semblance of normality. Yet here they were looking as real as uniquely beautiful people can look.
I felt my hands reach across my stomach as if to protect myself. I hugged myself fiercely. This was not happening. This could not happen now. Please, please leave me alone I yelled to myself silently.
“ Bella. we were um….. that is Bella we were hoping……..” His voice trailed off as I stared at him coldly. I watched as he slumped slightly and turned to Alice for help.
Alice placed her hand on his arm and turned to me smiling. “ Hi Bella. We are so happy to see you”
Was she joking? What were they doing? Happy to see me? I had never heard anything so absurd in my life.
Alice came towards me. ‘She is going to hug you.’ my inner voice yelled at me and I reflexively placed my hands up to ward her off. I saw her stricken face as she quickly moved back to her spot next to Edward without touching me at all. Jasper grasped her hand and I knew that he was using his gift to help her. I didn’t care. I was beginning to spiral out of control. I could feel it. I needed to get out of here.
I turned back to the car and slammed the boot closed with as much ferocity as I could manage. My mind was still yelling at me to get out of there. I moved towards the car door. I still had not said a single word and I could still feel seven pairs of eyes staring uncertainly at my back.
“ Please Bella. Don’t go”. His voice was pleading. There was something there but I couldn’t quite get what it was. I was too full of my own anguish that I didn’t want to see what he was trying to do. “ I am so sorry Bella. I truly am…
“ You. Are. Sorry.” I spat out at him. He looked like I had slapped him across the face but he remained calm and tried again.
“ Yes Bella. I am sorry. I should never have left you like that. I have been….”
I could feel the red hot emotion of anger come over me. I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was that the one that had hurt me the most , the one that had ripped my heart out and left me to fend for myself was standing in front of me saying that he was sorry. What did he want from me? Hadn’t he hurt me enough?
“ You left me Edward. You made me think that you loved me and then you just decided that I wasn’t good enough for you and you…. left…. me. Do you think I care that you are SORRY. I DO NOT CARE” I yelled at him furiously and then realized where I was. The carpark. I made my voice softer but kept the anger in it. There was way too much pain involved to just let this go. “ You made your choice Edward. You made my choice for me. Not only did you take yourself away from me… you took everyone.” I glared at the whole family. Oh god how I had loved this family but now all I felt for them was anger. “ Not one of you cared enough about me to check that I was alright. Not one of you tried to keep contact”. I looked at Alice as I said this and I saw her cringe and Jaspers hand tighten on hers.
“ I’m sorry Bella” Alice moaned “ I know it seems like we didn’t care but of course we did. We just had to do the right thing”
“ The right thing, the right thing. Are you serious. You were my best friend. I loved you like a sister. I would never EVER TURN MY BACK on you” I was becoming hysterical. “ You are as bad as him. You LEFT me”
“ We did it to protect you Bella” Alice stammered. “ We were thinking of you”
“ How could going away possibly protect me Alice. How could leaving me to face the others possibly help me. Laurent, Victoria and any other blood drinking mythical creature that feels that I am their personal magnet. It’s neverending. Every sound, every shadow. Constant fear and NOONE to protect me. “ My breathing was becoming quicker and I could feel the shock oozing out of every one of them. I didn’t care. “ How was leaving the right thing to do when I couldn’t feel or breath for god knows how long?”
I caught the significant look that Alice gave Jasper and I turned on him ferociously. “ DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT CALMING ME DOWN. You have no right. Let me be. Let me feel what I am feeling Not what you want me to feel. You owe me that Jasper” Another stab in the heart for someone I had once cared for. He would never forgive himself for what he had done that helped lead us to this moment and I had just driven it home even more. He stopped though. I didn’t feel any calm just the red hot anger. It made me keep the poisoned arrows hurling at the Cullen family. “ and you Emmett. Have you come back to tease me more. Bored, are you, without the silly human to entertain you – obviously I wasn’t entertaining enough to keep around hey even though I thought of you as the big brother I had never had?”
I turned to Rosalie as she hissed at me. No one insults Emmet without earning her wrath. What could I say to her? She had never professed to care so what had she done wrong? “ At least you never pretended to care Rosalie. At least when you left you didn’t make a mockery of a friendship. There never was one between us”
I turned to attack the two remaining Cullens and felt the wind come out of my sail. I had had enough. What could I possibly say to two of the most amazing people I know. I couldn’t inflict any more hurt tonight.
“ Please stop Bella. This is not my family’s fault. They only left because I forced them to…..”
“ Do you know what Edward, I am finished. When you left me you told me to forget that you or any of your family ever existed. Well you have got what you wanted. As far as I am concerned none of you exist. Go away and leave me alone.” I turned away from all of their shocked faces and numbly placed myself in the car as I whispered “I don’t need ANY vampires in my life – NONE”
Chapter Thirty Five (EPOV) - Page 65
Chapter Thirty Six (EPOV) - Page 68
Chapter Thirty Seven (BPOV) - Page 71
Chapter Thirty Eight (APOV) - Page 74
The small pockets of warmth and hope that had been slowly finding their way into my damaged soul were threatening to disappear and it left me with a feeling of despair. Just when I thought that I had found some kind of reasonable existence – even a small tinge of happiness – I could feel that it was slipping away. Why did Jacob, my loving, fun, happy source of sunshine have to confuse our friendship for something more? Why couldn’t we just keep being friends and continue healing the broken pieces of my soul one small piece at a time through the warmth he had managed to bring to my life. Selfish, selfish. I knew it for what it was. I was being remarkably selfish to put him through this. To make him keep his distance at the same time as trying to pull his warmth into my very being. I was being unfair. He was being accepting. I should leave him alone but I really wasn’t sure that I could. I needed him to get me through this. It was only with him that I felt even remotely like myself – a shadow for sure but at least it was something beyond that awful place I was at when the other one left. I started to see the other’s face but I pulled myself away from that image and concentrated on Jacob, a different type of pain but somehow something less confronting. What choice was I going to make here? Neither choice would help. I would never love Jacob the way he wanted. Who am I kidding, I would never love anyone the way I should. I was damaged in that respect. I had known love and it had been ripped away. The darkness threatened to engulf me again. Concentrate - we are not thinking about that appalling time. Jacob. Yes Jacob. He knew that I couldn’t love him that way but he felt it might happen in time if I just let it. My choices could lead to even more heartache for him and I knew what that was like. Was I willing to put him through the emotional void I had experienced just so I could start to feel better myself? I had never been a selfish person. I had always been the one to look after others but……. I needed help and he was the only one who could give it.
“Bella. Are you home?” The front door slammed as Charlie entered the house. I quickly studied myself in the mirror. Not that I really cared what I looked like but I didn’t want Charlie to see that I had been crying again. It would break his heart if he thought that I was returning to that awful place I was at a few months ago. He was happy that I had finally managed to pull myself out of that hole and I was pretty sure that he was thanking Jacob for that in his own head. He knew I had a long way to go but I didn’t want to give him even an inkling that I could fall back into that abyss with the slightest provocation. It would hurt him. I sighed. There was always someone for me to hurt.
“Here dad”. I called as I made my way downstairs.
“ How was your day? Did you have fun with Jacob?” he enquired while he studied my face.
I pulled my face into a calm mask and answered the way I knew he wanted. “ Sure, we always have a good time together. We just hung out. You know how it is dad.”
“ When are you seeing him again?” Subtle Charlie. Why don’t you just ask me when are we going to get married and have kids so that you can be sure that I won’t completely lose it again.
“ Um. Not so sure. We are both pretty busy from here on in. You know school going back and all. I am sure it will be soon though” I added because I saw his face show a small sign of panic. “ Have to go dad the grocery store is calling or we won’t have any food. See ya.” I made a dash for the door before he could continue with the discussion and lead me to confess that not all was right between Jacob and I. It wasn’t something that I wanted to face.
Life was full of mundane everyday routines and this was one of them. Grocery shopping. Thank goodness for the mundane. It let me look like I was functioning without really having to think about what was going on in all the other parts of my life. It made people think that I was surviving when all I wanted to really do was curl up into a ball and……. Not an option I told myself firmly. You are not the only person that is impacted by your choices. Charlie, Renee, Jacob, Angela. All people I loved and wanted to protect. One step in front of the other. Slowly but surely things would get better.
I had finished the shopping and was heading out to the carpark. I looked up to see that the shadows were deepening and that twilight was upon us. Twilight was his favourite time. I shuddered and deliberately made my thoughts wander from that potentially destructive course of images. When would this stop. I sighed for the umpteenth time and started to put the groceries in the boot of the car.
“ Bella”. I closed my eyes tightly. Why on earth was I hearing his voice. I was putting groceries in the car for god’s sake. I wasn’t doing anything dangerous that could lead me to hearing his voice. I wasn’t trying to be reckless on one of the motorbikes that Jacob had fixed for me. I wasn’t putting myself into any danger by talking to strange men in the middle of a quiet Port Angeles street. There wasn’t anything remotely threatening in what I was doing at all. I chose to ignore it and kept packing.
“ Ah excuse me Bella”. Now I know I am going mad. His voice was never pleasant when he spoke to me in my mind. He was always angry at me for what I was doing. What a joke. My mind obviously wanted to believe that he cared when I put myself in danger even though I knew that there was nothing further from the truth. This was different though. This was that beautiful sing song voice that I had cast from my mind when he had told me he didn’t love me anymore. When he had told me that he no longer existed. Why on earth was I hearing it now?
I slowly turned around to see what was going on. I gasped and instantly felt a fierce joy overcome me. It was instantly rebuffed however as my mind began to register what was happening in front of me. This could not be real. Edward stood about two metres in front of me, flanked by his family. Every single one of them. How could that be? Why on earth were they all here in front of me in a carpark of all places. Edward looked nervous. Alice looked elated. Jasper was worried. Emmett was smirking. Rosalie looked bored. Carlisle and Esme stood a little behind. It seemed like ages before anyone spoke. I couldn’t even grasp if this was reality or some sick fantasy. I had pushed all these people to the bottom of my subconscious in the hope of gaining some semblance of normality. Yet here they were looking as real as uniquely beautiful people can look.
I felt my hands reach across my stomach as if to protect myself. I hugged myself fiercely. This was not happening. This could not happen now. Please, please leave me alone I yelled to myself silently.
“ Bella. we were um….. that is Bella we were hoping……..” His voice trailed off as I stared at him coldly. I watched as he slumped slightly and turned to Alice for help.
Alice placed her hand on his arm and turned to me smiling. “ Hi Bella. We are so happy to see you”
Was she joking? What were they doing? Happy to see me? I had never heard anything so absurd in my life.
Alice came towards me. ‘She is going to hug you.’ my inner voice yelled at me and I reflexively placed my hands up to ward her off. I saw her stricken face as she quickly moved back to her spot next to Edward without touching me at all. Jasper grasped her hand and I knew that he was using his gift to help her. I didn’t care. I was beginning to spiral out of control. I could feel it. I needed to get out of here.
I turned back to the car and slammed the boot closed with as much ferocity as I could manage. My mind was still yelling at me to get out of there. I moved towards the car door. I still had not said a single word and I could still feel seven pairs of eyes staring uncertainly at my back.
“ Please Bella. Don’t go”. His voice was pleading. There was something there but I couldn’t quite get what it was. I was too full of my own anguish that I didn’t want to see what he was trying to do. “ I am so sorry Bella. I truly am…
“ You. Are. Sorry.” I spat out at him. He looked like I had slapped him across the face but he remained calm and tried again.
“ Yes Bella. I am sorry. I should never have left you like that. I have been….”
I could feel the red hot emotion of anger come over me. I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was that the one that had hurt me the most , the one that had ripped my heart out and left me to fend for myself was standing in front of me saying that he was sorry. What did he want from me? Hadn’t he hurt me enough?
“ You left me Edward. You made me think that you loved me and then you just decided that I wasn’t good enough for you and you…. left…. me. Do you think I care that you are SORRY. I DO NOT CARE” I yelled at him furiously and then realized where I was. The carpark. I made my voice softer but kept the anger in it. There was way too much pain involved to just let this go. “ You made your choice Edward. You made my choice for me. Not only did you take yourself away from me… you took everyone.” I glared at the whole family. Oh god how I had loved this family but now all I felt for them was anger. “ Not one of you cared enough about me to check that I was alright. Not one of you tried to keep contact”. I looked at Alice as I said this and I saw her cringe and Jaspers hand tighten on hers.
“ I’m sorry Bella” Alice moaned “ I know it seems like we didn’t care but of course we did. We just had to do the right thing”
“ The right thing, the right thing. Are you serious. You were my best friend. I loved you like a sister. I would never EVER TURN MY BACK on you” I was becoming hysterical. “ You are as bad as him. You LEFT me”
“ We did it to protect you Bella” Alice stammered. “ We were thinking of you”
“ How could going away possibly protect me Alice. How could leaving me to face the others possibly help me. Laurent, Victoria and any other blood drinking mythical creature that feels that I am their personal magnet. It’s neverending. Every sound, every shadow. Constant fear and NOONE to protect me. “ My breathing was becoming quicker and I could feel the shock oozing out of every one of them. I didn’t care. “ How was leaving the right thing to do when I couldn’t feel or breath for god knows how long?”
I caught the significant look that Alice gave Jasper and I turned on him ferociously. “ DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT CALMING ME DOWN. You have no right. Let me be. Let me feel what I am feeling Not what you want me to feel. You owe me that Jasper” Another stab in the heart for someone I had once cared for. He would never forgive himself for what he had done that helped lead us to this moment and I had just driven it home even more. He stopped though. I didn’t feel any calm just the red hot anger. It made me keep the poisoned arrows hurling at the Cullen family. “ and you Emmett. Have you come back to tease me more. Bored, are you, without the silly human to entertain you – obviously I wasn’t entertaining enough to keep around hey even though I thought of you as the big brother I had never had?”
I turned to Rosalie as she hissed at me. No one insults Emmet without earning her wrath. What could I say to her? She had never professed to care so what had she done wrong? “ At least you never pretended to care Rosalie. At least when you left you didn’t make a mockery of a friendship. There never was one between us”
I turned to attack the two remaining Cullens and felt the wind come out of my sail. I had had enough. What could I possibly say to two of the most amazing people I know. I couldn’t inflict any more hurt tonight.
“ Please stop Bella. This is not my family’s fault. They only left because I forced them to…..”
“ Do you know what Edward, I am finished. When you left me you told me to forget that you or any of your family ever existed. Well you have got what you wanted. As far as I am concerned none of you exist. Go away and leave me alone.” I turned away from all of their shocked faces and numbly placed myself in the car as I whispered “I don’t need ANY vampires in my life – NONE”
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wendy D {#1 Stalker Fan} on -
Tami, I could not agree more!! Yay Michelle!! It is sooooo good! And I am ready for another chapter too!!I am so ready to see Edward's face when he sees Bella at the ball!! Woo Hoo!!!
AGAIN....Thanks Tami for the hookup!!!
He is dancing to "I know you want me" by Pitbull….I love that song! Woo Hoo! Or maybe some Lady Gaga…Poker Face!!
Wendy
Twilight and FanFic Addict! -
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Permalink Reply by patricia bufford on -
that's what i'm talking about. love this bella make it hard for everyone i would.it felt like i was and onlooker in parking lot enjoyed it very much
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Permalink Reply by Jo Cooper on -
Can't wait for the next chapter, but I understand that you want to get it right, so many people rush a story because of demand, but taking that extra time makes the wait worth it. That is why we all love this story so much, you put so much thought and care into what you are writing. If we don't get it til Monday it will be worth the wait. Have a nice weekend.
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on -
Thanks Jo. My problem actually is that I have been ridiculously busy with work and family so haven't been getting the time to sit down in a big chunk to finish the chapter I have started. I am so close to finishing it so hopefully you won't be waiting until Monday. Thanks though for your understanding. I am feeling a bit slack at the moment because I know what it is like to wait for other people's fanfics when you are interested in their story.
Cheers
Michelle -
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Permalink Reply by Wendy D {#1 Stalker Fan} on
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on
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Chapter 28
EPOV
The question of soul, or lack thereof, had always been a matter of contention for me. Most of my vampire life had been spent holding back my most basic instincts to kill and feed on humans - turning my back on the monster that lived within me so that I could live some kind of existence, free from the torturous guilt of knowing I was a murderer. Bella’s entrance into my life had both confirmed my belief that this was the right way to live and adversely made me aware of just how much my beastly tendencies were intertwined with who I actually was. It was something I would never be able to escape and the proof had been in the shocking knowledge that I had come so close to killing the love of my life in a moment of unthinking fervour. Alice’s assurances that she could not see me hurting Bella had not eased my own apprehension. I was fully aware that my presence was a real danger to Bella and yet here I was considering returning to her side as if nothing had happened. From the moment that Alice had revealed Bella’s love and need for me the overwhelming pull towards her, that I had been experiencing for so long, had strengthened like an iron cord and I knew that I could not break it yet again. If Bella wanted me, I was there. Fate had woven its web to bring us together for its own unknown reasons. As much as I wanted, needed and loved Bella, I was not happy with the circumstances. Bella deserved someone with a soul, someone she could grow old and enjoy humanity with. That was not me.
When Alice, Jasper and I had returned to the house in the early hours of the morning to let the others know of the decisions that I had made regarding Bella and myself I was floored to find that my news had brought an instant state of relief and excitement to my home. My family had always been there to support me through the dark days of being apart from Bella but she had become a vital part of their lives too and they had been torn between the two of us. My decision had made life so much easier for them and I knew they felt they would be getting me back as well. I accepted Esme’s hugs and kisses, Emmett’s claps on the back, Rosalie’s knowing smile and Carlisle’s soft words of encouragement with a small sense of unease. What if I failed in my attempts to be what Bella needed? It would not only affect Bella, it would also affect my family. The happiness they were displaying was in direct conflict with my own internal agony over the choices I was making.
Jasper’s ability to monitor emotions made him realize that I was still in a state of panic over what I had done and what I was about to do. I had made the decision to return to my Bella and I intended on following through on that but I wasn’t ready to take the final step quite yet. I needed to ensure that I had my thirst completely under control when I next saw her. I wanted her on so many different levels and I didn’t want my thirst to be the dominant need. His suggestion that we hunt again was met with enthusiasm and Carlisle decided to join us.
My hunting, although not governed by the enormous amount of anger that I had previously displayed, was still done with a sense of urgency. I fed until I could no longer stomach any more liquid. Once finished the three of us sat in silence as we watched the day slip away from us and I took comfort in the positive thoughts racing through their minds. Their belief in my ability to deal with what lay ahead was evident but more than anything they had faith that Bella and I belonged together and that this was the only way either of us would ever be truly happy.
Twilight was almost upon us and Carlisle and Jasper reluctantly left me alone so that they could get ready for the hospital fundraiser. I stayed behind to gather my thoughts and make my final decisions. Before Carlisle walked away from me he grabbed my shoulders and looked into my worried face.
“We believe in you son. What’s best for you is best for all of us, including Bella. Just don’t leave it much longer. She must be hurting right now wondering why you haven’t been to see her. Make things right”
I ached. Why did doing the right thing scare me so much? Why did doing the right thing have to seem so wrong?
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All of my insecurities, unanswered questions and natural thirst paled into insignificance when I finally saw Bella.
When I arrived at the fundraiser it was in full swing and the people of Forks seemed to be having a wonderful time mingling with one another, dancing and eating amazingly good food. I kept myself hidden so that I could watch and listen. Everyone was in a party mood and people were impressed with the great function that Bella, Alice and Angela had put on. It was hard not to feel positive when surrounded by people enjoying themselves and I allowed myself to take in that good vibe. It had been so long since I had allowed myself any real happiness. Hopefully tonight would be the beginning of an endless store of it. I was going to put aside my concerns and live for the moment. Nothing mattered to me more than making Bella see that we belonged together and just how much I loved her.
Bella looked breathtakingly beautiful. Her hair was swept up at the sides and tendrils of soft curls trailed around her shoulders and down her back. The dress she wore was my favourite colour and I was sure I had Alice to thank for that. It showed her figure off perfectly. She was constantly surrounded by admirers and congratulators and I softly laughed at the fact that she still appeared to be so uneasy. All of the attention was not her cup of tea – she would have preferred to have stayed quietly in the background out of sight just as I was doing now. I watched as several men asked for her to dance and listened as she politely declined. I watched as Emmett approached her and heard the panic in her voice as she pleaded with him not to force her to do it. It fascinated me how he could so easily bend her to his will and take her onto the dance floor with so little effort. He led her around the dance floor so that it actually looked like she could dance. She was laughing up into his eyes and I could tell she was actually enjoying herself with my brother. By the time the dance had come to an end and he had returned her to her original spot she was breathless and glowing. I moved towards her. It was my turn to hold her. It was my turn to make her face come alive with happiness. I had waited too long and I needed to be by her side.
I hadn’t taken more than three steps when I froze in fury. A guy that I did not know had approached Bella asking her to dance with him. She gave her normal excuses for not wanting to but he was not listening. I could hear him trying to convince her with his voice but it was what was going on in his head that made me so irate. The images flicking inside his head were inappropriately suggestive. He wanted my Bella badly – he had been watching her all night and he was finally making his move. Bella’s rejection was not sitting too well and I heard his offensive remarks as he tried to pull her into his grasp. I forced myself to move at human speed to cross to her side and help her out. Jasper was coming in the opposite direction but smiled knowingly when he noticed my presence and changed course to find Alice. He was going to leave this one all to me.
“Hi Bella,” I said smoothly and watched her anger turn into shock and then relief as I turned to face the guy with his hand on her arm. I stared at his hand and then into his face. The displeasure he obviously saw there was enough to make him drop his hand quickly. Good. I had not wanted to ruin a good evening by having to teach him a lesson. I continued staring at him as I addressed Bella.
“I do believe it’s our turn to dance Bella …… that is of course, if you would like to?” I smiled at her encouragingly and saw the red rise to her cheeks. She seemed at a loss for words but nodded and I took her hand and lead her onto the dance floor away from the offensive man.
I kept my hand entwined in hers and placed the other hand lightly on her back. I wasn’t nearly close enough but I wanted to see her face so I allowed the distance to stay between us. We looked at one another in contemplation for some time before she spoke.
“You came back” she whispered and I heard the relief in her voice.
“I did.”
“I didn’t think you would,” she said accusingly and I flinched at her hurt, “I thought you were so disgusted by what had happened…disgusted with me that you wouldn’t….”
“You think I would be disgusted by you?” I stated incredulously “There are so many words I would use to describe how I feel about you Bella but disgust…. That’s not conceivable. How could you even think that?”
“But you looked at me as if you couldn’t stand knowing we had kissed – that it hadn’t been as special for you as it had been for me.” The last words were an embarrassed whisper. She believed that I regretted kissing her. I thought guiltily that I had felt regret but not for the reasons she thought.
“If you only knew how special that kiss was Bella, how good it was to hold you the way I had wanted to for so long but… it doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t have done it. The disgust I felt wasn’t for you – it was for myself, for knowing that I had kissed you and put you at risk yet again. Getting so close to you had been reckless.” I felt ashamed of my behavior and its obvious impact on her.
“So you are saying you don’t want to be that close to me again? You’ve come back but when it comes to you and I, we need to keep our distance. Is that it?” Oh god I just never stopped hurting her. She looked so fragile and insecure as she said those words. That was not what she wanted, it was clear.
“If only I had the strength to stay away from you Bella, your life would be a lot safer…….but I don’t. I can’t stop how I feel, I can’t stop how much I need you, I can’t help but want to be close to you. Right now all I want to do is press you against me instead of having this stupid distance between us. I want to feel your warmth, I want to feel your heart, I want you to know that I love you.”
Her words were disbelieving “You love me? But you told me that you didn’t. You left me because you didn’t. You’ve kept me at a distance all this time because you didn’t. What’s changed?” Her words were confused but tinged with hope.
“I lied.” I stated simply. “and it was a lie you should never have believed so easily. You accepted it without a second thought. I could not fathom that you would actually believe the words when I said them. I should have had to tell you so many more times before you allowed yourself to accept it. Why?” I wanted to know what I had done all those months ago to make her believe my blasphemous words so easily.
Bella stepped into my body causing my arms to automatically circle her nearness. It was bliss. She rested her head against my chest and shivered involuntarily at my coldness. Her mumbled words would be missed by all those surrounding us but I heard each word clearly and they startled me with how much she believed them.
“Because I knew that it would have only been a matter of time. I knew that there was no way I could ever be good enough for you. I knew that I was living a dream and all dreams have to end, right? You are so much better than me Edward. Everything about you screams out special. Everything about your family reinforces just how plain and unappealing I really am. I knew at some point you would have to get bored with me. It just happened sooner than I would have hoped.”
“Bored? Not special? Bella how can you……” I could hear the frustration in my own voice and I knew that this conversation needed to be taking place in a different space. I grabbed Bella’s hand and saw her startled look as we walked quickly off the dance floor and out of the room into the coolness of the night. “I can not stress enough just how special you are Bella. Every thought I have is of you. You are the light of my existence. You are my absolute everything. The fact that these thoughts even go through your head is ridiculous.”
“Ridiculous?” she said flatly. “You left me, remember. Not the other way around.”
“I left you for your own safety Bella, not out of boredom. Too many times you had been put in harms way because of your association with me – James, Victoria, even my own family. I couldn’t just stay and let that keep happening. You meant too much to me. Never, ever was the reasoning behind my absence that you weren’t good enough. If anything you are too good for me. You have such a good and giving soul – that is something I will never have.” And we were back to the crux of it – I was a monster and she was an angel. Never should we have met.
Bella’s hand reached up to stroke my face and I closed my eyes momentarily to feel the sensation of its lightness and warmth. Her thumb flitted across my hard lips and I exhaled with pleasure. I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss her but I knew our conversation had not finished. I waited impatiently for her words.
“I do not believe, for a second Edward, that you have no soul. I do not believe that your family do not have souls. Every day you guys make choices that go against your very being so that you do good instead of harm. You love one another, you save people, you help. That has to be worth something. If those things aren’t enough to deserve a soul then nothing is and we are all doomed. Let’s just agree that we are both good enough for one another. I am willing to try if you are.”
I nodded but knew that although I agreed externally, it was something I would never really believe.
“I have one more question for you Edward. Why did you come back the first time?”
“ I came back for you. I knew that I couldn’t stay away any longer. I wasn’t able to function. I had turned my back on my family and my life had become one long black night with no hope or light to give it any meaning. I realized that you were my light and I needed you back. When we got back though you were so angry and lifeless and I knew I had done more damage than I could ever have imagined.” The thought of Bella’s pain and resulting numbness made me feel the guilt all over again.
“ and then there was Jacob….”
“Jacob?”
“ Yes. I realized… well I thought…. that you were in love with him. That you had moved on from what you had felt for me the way I had told you too. I didn’t feel I had the right to intercede so I backed off. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To see you every day and know that you were in love with someone else was agony.”
“But Jake is..was… is….just my friend. I love him as a friend.” She stressed the last three words by emphasizing them. “I have never loved anyone but you. You have to believe that Edward. There is only you.”
My impatience broke through and I framed her perfect face with my hands. “I guess this is it then Bella. You are my heart” I kissed her eyelid lightly.
“You are my soul” I followed that kiss with one on her other eyelid.
I stared into those chocolate brown eyes and knew I was finally home “Without you I have nothing” I pressed my cheek against hers and felt her hold her breath.
“Without you there is no reason to continue this existence” I brushed my lips across hers and we both shivered in anticipation.
“So let’s agree that we belong together and never let go” She nodded, speechless and then I kissed her with everything I had and more. It was as close to heaven as I ever expected to get. -
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Permalink Reply by megz on -
I LOVE IT!!!!
u r an amazin writer.... brilliant, spectacular, amazing and a load of other word that mean FANTASTIC! -
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Permalink Reply by Tami on -
Perfect and brilliant!
The ending was a brilliant write!
Thank you Michelle -
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Permalink Reply by Michelle on
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Oops. I didn't mean to make it sound so final. There are a few things that need to be tied up first. I just ended the chapter here because the way I was going to do it would have been a cliff hanger and I know how much everyone hates that. I thought everyone would jut enjoy Edward and Bella's moment. There are a few more chapters yet. I hope that is ok???
Thanks Tami for all your kind words. It means a lot from someone who is obvioulsy so good at writing fanfics herself.
Cheers
Michelle -
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Permalink Reply by Molly May on -
ow wow, way to go michelle. i'm reading this as i'm listening to Taylor Swift's Song "Love Story" it is so appropriate for this chapter. i am so glad you took your time to get this chapter just right, if waiting for your next chapters means they are going to be as brilliant as this one, then i'm willing to wait (even though i have no nails left) lol.
Keep going - great, great, great.
"YOU ROCK GIRLFRIEND" -
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