Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
I'm sure your writing is fine, from what I've read it is magnificent, so I'm sure even after going for so long without writing, your writing will still be wonderful at the very least. And I'm happy to wait until you've finished your exams, I totally understand. Whenever you're ready to start plotting/writing, just find me :)
Happy Saga surfing haha :)
I'm working on chapter one right now, I have a lot of it done so I'll post it sooooon :D
I'm editing chapter 1 now, it will be up in a few minutes :D
When the Volturi were still in existence, they had a rule. Truly, they had many rules, but one of which was that there be no connection or interference with ‘children of the moon’, (also known as werewolves) unless it involved the extermination of said wolf. I simply found it ironic; being a part of the new vampire royalty and having a son that was a wolf.
But the rules had changed since the Cullen’s, whom I could now call my family, had taken the Volturi’s place. Many things had changed.
Ryan was constantly busy. I still saw him, but being full time leader of the Quitalite wolf pack, added to having an imprint to always worry about, I didn’t get to see him much. Yet, even in his absence, I remained happy.
There was much reason to be happy. Edward and I were married now, which was still a little crazy to think about at times, and I couldn’t have imagined it any more perfect. I didn’t think marriage would change anything, except for the fact that there would be a piece of paper saying we belonged together, but it was more than that. It was much, much more than that. I was, on this rare opportunity, grateful for not being able to blush as I recalled the night of my honeymoon.
He took me to Denmark. I knew other places were snowier than Washington, but I never fully grasped just how much that was until we arrived there. They had things such as snow boarding, skiing, and even sleds pulled by huskies; all of which, Edward had somehow managed to talk me into trying. It turned out to be pretty easy. Fun too, which probably wouldn’t have been the case had I been human while doing complicated things such a skiing. I would have fallen on my face many times over.
But before all of the touring and activities, when Edward and I finally settled into our cabin in Denmark, we saw the northern lights. Lying together on the snow covered ground, it was nothing compared to the pictures you see in text books and on the internet. And my perfect eyes seeing intensifying every small detail made it one thousand times more remarkable.
That was when he brushed the hair from my eyes so that he could see into them, and I into his. I didn’t feel judged or hated, or even liked in that moment. I felt loved. I could both see, and feel, in that moment how very much he loved me. I’d known it all along. Even as a human I’d known that he loved me, but not until now did I truly feel just how powerful his love really was.
He leaned toward me, and pressed his lips to mine, not softly and tenderly as he usually did, but longingly and compassionately. Still holding my face to his, his hand gently moved down the side of my neck and torso. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I couldn’t help but think about how much I loved him back, and how incredible it was that I would finally be able to show him just how much that was.
But as his hand gently found my leg, and pulled it over his, I stopped breathing. It wasn’t out of pleasure, but fear. All at once, my past came rushing back to haunt me, filling my brain with memories and reminders of all of the stupid things I’d done. I couldn’t find my breath again.
Edward stopped kissing my lips, and moved to my neck, allowing me a moment to catch my breath, completely unaware of the terror that was seizing my body in that moment. I still had not yet regained my breath, and my body was no longer reacting to Edward as he placed kisses below my chin. I couldn’t move.
He realized then, my lack of movement, and moved so that he could see my face. The terror was probably obvious, because he said my name at once, and held my face in his hands. Concern coated his face the way fear probably did mine. I just stared at him. I wanted to speak, but nothing seemed to come out. I just shook my head, unable to convey to him what madness and chaos flung about in my brain at that moment.
But somehow, he knew. His eyes filled with understanding in that moment, an he pulled me to him, rocking me lightly.
“It’s alright, Bella.” He whispered into my shoulder. “I love you.”
I shook my head, not letting it go. “I’m so sorry.” I said for the thousandth time in my life. But never had I meant it more. Never had I felt so terrible about what I was apologizing for. Never, in my life, had I wanted to take back what I'd done more than i did now.
He pulled back then and studied my eyes, pain reflecting into his. “You’ve nothing to apologize for, Bella.” he said sternly, but gently at the same time.
I stared back at him, the northern lights still alight in the sky above us. “Edward.” I said, almost shaking. “Edward it’s not.. this isn't... " I sobbed in misery. "I should have-”
“Shhh.” he soothed, brushing my cheek and shaking his head in sadness. “Bella, nothing you have done has made me love you any less. Nothing has. Don’t think for a second that I would-”
“You said you waited a century for me. And I didn't even wait a few months. You deserve to share this night with someone better than that.” I looked down, remembering the hurt I caused Edward when I told him that I’d slept with Jacob such a long time ago. My eyes closed in sorrow. If I could produce tears, they would already be sliding down my cheeks.
"Bella." he said, but I didn't look. He held my chin up then, and looked right into my eyes as he spoke. “I waited a century so that I could marry you. And today, I married all of you. I did not marry all of the things that are perfect about you, Bella, but I married all of you. Don’t forget that. Whether we live for a few more weeks, or for the rest of eternity, remember, that I married all of you.”
I was once again speechless as I stared back into his eyes. As he held me in his arms, I felt once agin, his love for me. As if it were wandering through the air only to ram into me with all of its power, almost knocking me over, I could feel it. Never again would I doubt whether or not he loved me, or even how much. It was much more, than even an eternal vampire count to.
“I love you.” I said, leaning my head against his. I felt him smile in relief at successfully calming me down and couldn’t help but smile as well.
“I love you too.” he he said, even though we both knew it, and pressed his lips to mine once again.
Yes, there was much reason to be happy. I smiled to myself at remembering my wedding night, and again, felt relieved that I couldn’t blush. I was grateful that there was so much to be happy about, but as I remembered my past once again, something I hoped that I would one day be able to forgive myself for, I felt that there was just one missing piece. One small thing that in all honestly, wasn’t really that small.
I was happy for Ryan. I was glad that he was leader of the wolf pack, and I was proud of what a great leader he truly was. But a small, selfish part of my brain resented it. I’d lived sixteen years without my son, never hearing his first words, never seeing his first steps, and never getting to watch him grow up. I’d hoped that once the battle was over, I’d finally get that missing piece that every mother truly wanted, to watch their child grow up for even a little bit. But it was his status as alpha that kept him away from me longer. I’d missed his childhood, and now his teenage years as they quickly slipped away. It wasn’t fair it seemed. I didn’t really deserve the royalties to being a mother. What I did to become a mother in the first place was proof of that. But that didn’t make a part of me feel any less empty.
I’d thought to myself at my wedding that everything was perfect, and in a way, it kind of was. But I still couldn’t get over that one, tiny little gap that kept everything from truly being one hundred percent perfect. I dwelled over it, and let it eat at my brain every day. But for what? I would never have the opportunity to become a mother again. I would never get back the years that I’d lost with Ryan, and Jacob would never even get to meet his son. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. Things were the way they were, and they were that way because of me. The only choice that I had was to either dwell on something irrational everyday for the rest of eternity, or get over it and accept my almost perfect life. I could settle for the second one. I would settle.
“Hi there.” Edward smiled as he entered the doorway to his, I mean our, room. I returned the gesture, smiling as he approached me and kissed me gently. “We’re ready when you are, love.” he managed to say between kisses.
I’d almost forgotten the hunting trip we’d planned with Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie. I was still considered ‘missing’ throughout the state of Washington, so I couldn’t attend any schools for a while, which made for extra time on top of the already eternal life, so we often planned trips far away just to kill time and explore. I liked staying with Edward in our room all day, but it was also nice to get out sometimes.
I took Edward’s hand in mine and smiled. “I’m ready.”
He smiled back as he led me down the stairs, but hunting wasn’t what stayed on my mind. My brain, which never seemed to be satisfied, had not yet let go the whole mother-son thing.
I could settle for the nearly-perfect life that I had, and still think about that one little thing... It’s not like it would drive me mad to think about it. It would just always be something I wanted. No more.
Yes. I would settle.
Authors Note: I'm so excited to really get into this story! I hope you guys are too :) I haven't posted the summary yet because it will give away part of the plot. The summary will be up soon, when it's safer! ;) Happy saga-surfing everyone!
A lovely first chapter, you reintorduced the characters and summarised the important bits of the last story so well.
I like her reaction on her wedding night, just so Bella, so guilt ridden.
Now you can't bring Jacob back - he is dead! And I don't think you can turn back the clock and make Ryan young again so now I'm wondering ... what are you going to do with the motherhood thing?
I was actually worried about bringing up everything from the previous stories, I am so scared that I am going to forget some major thing from Selfish/Secretive and mess up the entire story, so thanks for reassuring me.
You bring up good points... If Jacob is dead, and Ryan's childhood cannot be re-done... then then that HAS to mean that Bella adopts a baby chicken!! Haha, I'm joking, I won't tell, but you have a good eye for noticing that.
Thanks for the lovely comment =)
Glad to see Chapter 1 is up! I can't wait to see how things will develop further in the story! You picked up all the threads from the previous story very successfully and left us wanting more. Both Edward and Ryan has forgiven her. Now the question is whether Bella will be able to forgive herself. It would also help if she could get closer to Ryan. Luckily Edward is very good to her and she can be sure of his love.
I can't wait for Chapter 2!
Ah, Bella forgiving herself will make for one complicated situation. She doesn't see herself for the truly beautiful person that she is. And having Ryan there would help her out a lot. Ryan will be in this story, but just not nearly as much as he was in Secretive.
Thanks for commenting, every single one means more and more =)
Oh no, how much longer do I have? :) Haha thanks so much. That's kind of you. :)