Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Haha I know how you feel, I usually see the new Twilight movies multiple times! :)
As Edward and I walked together hand in hand into the backyard, Emmett grinned and I knew instantly what it was he wanted. It was the same thing every time the two of us ended up hunting at the same time. I groaned, the maddening thoughts of motherhood now completely gone from my brain.
“Can’t you race Alice?”
“He’ll just beat me. I don’t even need to see it happen in my head. Sorry Bella.” She said, always having lost to Emmett. I turned to Edward, a pleading look in my eyes.
“I already know that I’ll bat him.” He smiled.
“Yeah right!” Emmett scoffed, crossing his arms defiantly.
Ignoring Emmett, Edward squeezed my hand then. “You don’t have to race him, love.”
I eyed Emmett, and he raised an eye brow. “Well?” he asked. Rosalie came out then, rolling her eyes at her husband.
“If you continue to be bothersome I’ll make sure that you can’t beat anyone.” she said to him, stopping beside him with her arms crossed.
I giggled, Emmett giving me a cross look. He turned to Rosalie, but before he could even ask, she answered his question.
“I’m not racing you Emmett, I’m going hunting.” Then, making promise to her words, she dashed into the forest to hunt.
“”Come on Bella!” Emmett pleaded again, and an idea came to me. Edward and Alice both grinned at the same time, seeing my plan, and I knew at once that it would work.
“I’m not racing you Emmett. Period.” I said and began walking with Edward along the same path Rosalie took into the forest. He sighed, and followed us as he grumbled about how lame we were. Then, just as Emmett started to pass me, Edward let go of my hand so that I could dash away.
“Gotcha!” I grinned as I sped away with my head start.
“Hey no fair!” He yelled, and began to run to. I laughed, proud of myself for thinking of such a diabolical plan. I ran freely then, smiling happily as the wind rushed past my face, blowing my hair in all different directions. Yes, it was nice to get out and run.
I could hear Emmett catching up then. I leapt onto a tree, then another one, putting a great distance between each tree as I raced. I could hear Emmett doing the same behind me, still very close. Wanting badly to win for once, I kicked off of the trees as I leapt, pushing me farther ahead, and knocking the trees down with my force.
Emmett cursed, and I turned back just in time to see him throwing a large tree trunk out of the way, ultimately slowing him down. I leapt back onto the ground then, far enough ahead that I could finish the race on foot now.
Hardly paying attention, I ran at the fastest possible speed that I could get my legs to go. I was so used to being able to avoid hitting trees, that I began to think about how long it would be before Alice forced me to go shopping with her again. My mind else where, I nearly collided with Rosalie. I dug my feet into the earth to stop from throwing her to the ground. She narrowed her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked immediately, looking around to see if anyone else had arrived before me.
“Forest fire.” she said blankly, and began to walk back back toward the house. I turned around to her, confused.
“Fire? Where-” I smelt it then, the scent of bark turned to ash, of leaves and grass burned to nothing, the remains of the few animals that didn’t make it out. There wasn’t a fire, there had already been one.
Emmett came racing to us then, nearly throwing Rosalie to the ground as I had almost done. She grabbed his shoulders in time to stop him, then crossed her arms.
“Sorry babe.” he smiled, then turned to me. “You cheated!” he accused again, ready to begin fighting. “First you give yourself a head start, then you start knocking over-” He stopped, breathing in the smell of the forest. He narrowed his eyes, seeing the very first of the burned trees several miles away.
“Dammit.” he kicked a rock. “There won’t be anything out here! Why didn’t Alice tell us!”
As he rambled on, complaining about how we wouldn’t get anything because of Alice, I went to the burned part of the forest, curious.
“We’re not done you know! There will be a rematch!” Emmett called after me. I set his comment aside and walked the few miles to the fist of the scorched trees. I stared at a blackened tree, fascinated at how evenly the outer bark had burned. I gently touched it, watching inquisitively as microscopic pieces of the bark fell to the ground so easily.
I ripped off a small piece of the bark then, and crushed it in my hands, turning it to dark dust immediately. Rough leaves, that had somehow managed to survive, made a crunching noise as the dust fell from my fingers onto them. The part of the tree where I’d pulled off bark wasn’t really burned, the bark having taken most of the beating from the fire.
“Having fun?” Edward whispered over my shoulder. I jumped back immediately, and would have probably knocked the both of us over had he not caught me in his arms.
“I’m sorry.” He said immediately. “Are you alright?”
I nodded, getting back to my feet. “I didn’t hear you. I just wasn’t paying attention, it’s my fault.”
He eyed the tree I’d tampered with “I’m afraid Alice wasn’t paying much attention either. Of course Emmett isn’t forgetting to remind her of this.”
I turned back to the tree, narrowing my eyes at the less burned part I’d revealed. “How long will it take for it to grow back?” I asked, tracing the spot randomly. “The forest I mean.”
“Forty years... maybe fifty.” He answered. Forty years? That was crazy, even being an immortal, for a forest to take an entire forty or fifty years to grow back. And all because of one small fire.
I brushed the rough bark again, wishing silently to myself that the tree wasn’t burned, that the entire forest wasn’t burned really, so that we could hunt. I turned back to Edward.
“We should probably return, we won’t find any-” he became frozen, his eyes wide like he’d just been struck by lightening.
“Edward?” I asked, but he said nothing. He only took a step closer to me, eyeing something behind me. “Edward are you alright?” I turned around, expecting Victoria or a Volturi member to have somehow miraculously arose from their ashes and come back for revenge, but there was nothing. Nothing but the trees.
“What are you-” he took my shoulders in his hands and gently turned me back around, facing the burned trees.
“Do that again.” He whispered, mesmerized. He stood beside me now, and I gave him a look of concern.
“Are you okay?” I asked, wondering where Rosalie and Emmett had gone off to. Alice as well.
He stared at me as if I’d just missed a hurricane sweep through the forest. “Am I missing something?” I asked, wondering if vampires could go insane, because I was almost positive that one of us was at this moment.
He chuckled, shaking his head. “Bella how did you do that?” he asked, gesturing to the tree I’d touched curiously.
“Edward, honestly, what are you-” I stopped, confused. Was that- No. That wasn’t the tree I’d touched. The tree before us was a healthy tree, not a single mark of fire on it. But then, where had the burned tree gone?
I just stood there, not sure what to think. I looked around the trees, searching for the one I’d pealed a piece of bark off of, but kept coming back to the one in front of me. The one that wasn’t burned.
“What...” I shook my head, just confused. “Are you playing a trick on me or something?” I asked, eyeing him.
Edward just laughed. I frowned, and in response he stopped, but his smile did not go away.
“Bella, do you not see what you just did?” I thought, but came up with nothing. I looked back to the scorched leaves on the ground, and grew more bewildered when I saw the ash I’d dropped onto them. If that was the tree, then-
I turned back to Edward, my face probably a mask of confusion. “What did I do?” I asked, still not fully understanding what he was trying to tell me.
He shook his head, awed by whatever he’d seen. “Bella you....” He seemed to struggle, whether at a loss for words or just not sure what really happened, I wasn’t sure. “You healed the tree.” he said, laughing to himself slightly at the absurdity of it.
I stared at him, waiting for the punchline, but did not get one. “Okay, seriously Edward, is Alice planning a surprise party or something?” There weren’t any birthdays or anniversaries for months, but with Alice, you never really were safe.
He narrowed his eyes, wanting me to believe him. “Try it again.” he suggested.
“Try what again? I don’t even know what I did.” I laughed, still concerned for Edward. Vampires don’t go insane, it’s not possible. But then again, neither is healing trees...
He kneeled down and grabbed a couple of scorched leaves, being extremely careful not to break the fragile pieces. He offered them to me, and hesitantly, I took them.
He watched the leaves, but as I could have predicted, nothing happened.
“See? Nothing happened.” I said, letting the leaves fall to the ground. “We should probably find the others...” I said, though he wasn’t listening. He turned back to the tree, probably to try and convince himself that he was not insane.
“Edward.” I spoke softly, starting to become a little frightened.
“What were you thinking?” That was something he asked quite often, but not with so much intensity.
“When?” I asked.
“When you touched the tree. And I suggested we return. What were you thinking?”
“That we probably should return.” I said, the reminder of hunting only making the slight sting in my throat more annoying.
He shook his head. “Please believe me Bella, I’m not deluding you in any way...” he said, holding one of my hands in his.
“I believe you Edward, it’s just...” I looked at the leaves on the ground. What had I been thinking of? Alice making me shop? No, I was thinking of hunting. I was thinking that I wished the tree wasn’t burned, that the entire forest wasn’t burned so that we could be hunting.
Cocking my head, my curiosity made me begin to wonder. Maybe...?
I kneeled onto the ground, taking one of the leaves in hand and stared at it. Watching as the leaf did nothing, I thought about the leaf healing magically, but again, nothing happened. Frustrated, I accidentally crushed the leaf into many pieces. I watched scornfully as it fell back to the ground piece by piece. Kneeling in front of me, Edward offered me another leaf.
“What are you two weirdos doing?” Emmett asked, appearing with Rosalie and Alice beside him.
“Try thinking of the exact same thing...” Edward suggested, completely dismissing our appearing family.
I took the leaf from him carefully, and we both stared at it. I imagined what the leaf would look like if it were not so burnt, but again, I accidentally crushed it. I threw the pieces on the ground angrily. Leaves were already fragile enough, but to be so burned, it was nearly impossible to pick them up.
Rosalie and Emmett exchanged a look of puzzlement, while Alice just watched in curiosity.
Understanding and patient, Edward gently picked up a third leaf and set it in my palm.
“Can we quit playing these immature games and find somewhere to hunt?” Rosalie barked, crossing her arms. Emmett wrapped his arm around her waist, but she did not grow any less angry. I tried as best as I could to ignore them, but they still distracted me from not grinding the leaves in nothing.
An idea occurred to me then. I set the leaf back down that Edward had given me, and touched the ground itself instead. Try thinking of the exact same thing, Edward’s words rang in my ears. Closing my eyes to focus more, I thought to myself about a forest that wasn’t burned, the forest that would lie here forty or fifty years from now.
I opened my eyes to see one of the most amazing sights; almost like fire spreading through the forest again, the forest became green, starting with the small spot I touched, and continuing farther and farther down the line of the woods. Within seconds, a green forest appeared. Everything was completely silent.
I turned to Edward, his shocked expression matching mine. “Bella...” He started, speechlessly.
I looked to the grass again, feeling it in my hands. It was real, live green grass. Living grass!
“Whoa.” Emmett said, looking around the forest in shock. Rosalie did the same, while a smile played on Alice’s face.
“That’s amazing.” Edward whispered, feeling the grass for himself.
Rosalie took a step back, revealing the completely unburned ground that lie beneath her feet. “Okay...” she said, shaking her head.
“That was awesome!” Alice squeaked, clapping her small hands.
Edward chuckled. “It is more amazing when you don’t see it coming, Alice.”
“Oh hush.” she said, sticking her tongue out at him.
He watched me then, smiling with pride. “Just when I think you can’t get any more amazing.” He shook his head, and I looked down embarrassedly. He held out his hand, and helped me up when I took it, even though it wasn’t necessary. Before I could suggest that we hunt before Rosalie tried to eat one of us, Edward pulled my lips to his.
“Oh, get a room.” Emmett muttered as he turned away with Rosalie. Laughing, Alice followed them, but I stayed behind, making no plans of following them at the moment.
I sighed when Edward pulled his lips away from mine, and he smiled. “We should probably follow them.” he said, and I knew that he was right. I kissed him once more before taking his hand in mine.
“Let’s go.” I smiled, and he smiled back.
I didn’t focus much on hunting, but rather this new gift Edward had helped me to discover. If I could heal an entire forest, then what else could I do so with? Hair loss? Broken nails? Cancer?
No. I couldn’t involve my gift with the human world, it would be too risky. But, with what then? Animals and plants?
One thing was for sure; I’d found something else to occupy my mind with for the time being.
Wow!this power is even better than having a mental shield.Luv it keep me posted please.
Thanks, I'm glad to hear that! I personally never really liked the shielding power, I wanted Bella to have something amazing, like invisibility or something awesome like that, but I guess the shielding power did come in handy in Breaking Dawn :) Thanks for the awesome comment, I'll keep you updated! :)
Now that is some talent! So many implications.
I'm really looking forward to reading your story about how she grows to use this and learn from it.
I like the way she works up from hair loss to cancer.
Ah, this will be a fun power to play with for Bella. And fun to write to! :) Thanks for the lovely comment Chris, it means a lot! I'm writing as fast as I can. =)
Ooh, and I am excited to post it! This power will do many interesting things, and I'm so excited to make Bella do them! Haha, thanks for all of your awesome comments! Every one means a ton :)
Awe, it's alright. I completely understand. :) I'm glad I did another sequel too. I almost didn't, but now that I have, I am grateful, because this one is really fun to write. I shall miss it too :') Thanks for the comment! Glad to see you back around the saga :)
love it! her new power could be used in so many different ways. can't wait to read your next udpate!
Yes, it really could be used in many ways, and in many ways it will. Haha but I won't say how just yet. I'm updating as fast as I can! Thanks for reading! :)