Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
He continued to stare. For the first time, I had made Edward speechless. This was not an accomplishment. I would have spoke his name, or said something, but I couldn’t. I had just told him one of the biggest things he’d ever hear from me… he needed time to react.
He finally looked up to me, and met my eyes. I quickly looked away, not wanting him to see me. It was then that I realized his hands had dropped form both my face and back. They were with him now, and I’m pretty sure he was holding himself up on the bed, to keep from falling. My conscious was speaking to me again. It was hard to avoid hearing the constant say something… say something… that kept getting screamed around in my head. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get my mouth to open.
He was still looking at me… I felt uncomfortable, him staring me down like that. This is what you deserve… my stupid brain said to me. I just wanted it to shut up.
“Bella…” he stopped. He really had no idea what to say. He seemed to look into nothingness for a minute, thinking. It looked like he produced a thought, because he finally looked back up to me and began to speak. “How long….” His voice was close to cracking. He cleared his throat. “How long ago did this…. Happen…” he finished.
I took a deep breath. “Two months ago.” I said, very quietly. If not for his vampire ears, there’d have been no way he would have heard me.
He went back to thinking again, muttering to himself quietly. I could see him mouthing the words “twenty-third… twenty-fourth…” My heart sank. I knew exactly what he was counting back to. It would be no time before he realized when-
He looked up to me again, interrupting my thoughts. “It wasn’t…” he looked even more shocked.
“Yes.” I whispered. “That day Jacob kissed me… that’s when it happened.” I was so ashamed. His eyes didn’t tear away form me this time. He just looked at me. Not with anger, not with anything I could identify. His face was a mask, hiding what he was really thinking inside.
“Edward, I’m so-“
He held his hand up, silencing me, his eyes narrowing. “Can I just ask you one question?” he whispered.
I swallowed. “Yes.”
He didn’t take his eyes off me. He wanted to see my face, and how it reacted. “Why did you do it?” he asked.
Why had I done it?
Thank you so much :)
I like the way you have her thoughts say something… say something…
Did the kiss with Jacob refer to the one in Eclipse? I know I've read this before but I can't remember - don't tell me I'll find out soon.
And the cliffhanger at the end - why?
Great chapter and keeps you wanting more.
The cliff hanger is there so that I can allow the next chapter to go back three months without confusing people.
Yes, the kiss was from the one in Eclipse. the whole storyline of Selfish is an alternative to what could have resulted form Jacob and Bella's kiss.
Thanks so much!!! hugs!
Two months earlier…
“N-“ I started to object, but it was to late. His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his hand gripping tight around the back of my neck.
“Jake…” I spoke. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. One minute Jacob and I are talking, the next he is trying to replace Edward. “I’m going to fight for you, until your heart stops beating…”
His words rang in my head as Jacobs lips molded to mine. I pulled away from him, but his strong arms held me there, forcing me to stayed glued to him until he released me.
He would release me, right? As if he could my thoughts, he let me go and stared deep into my eyes. He wasn’t grinning like I thought he would have. Instead, he was watching me with serious eyes, waiting for me to say something or kiss him back.
I didn’t know what to think of the kiss. I honestly didn’t. A part of me had loved Jake, but not like I loved Edward. He had protected me and helped me when Edward was absent, and I had bonded with him in a way I never had with anyone else… but this? Edward was the one. The man… vampire… of my dreams, and nobody, not even Jacob could stop that.
I backed up. Looking at him as if I hated him with everything, but I didn’t. I…. guess…. I kind of love him… But not like Edward…
“Bella, I’m better for you. I could make you so much happier… I could give you so much more…” He spoke softly. I kept shaking my head, back and forth as I backed away. He reached me and grabbed my hand. He held it in his for a couple of seconds just looking into my eyes. I looked down to the ground, avoiding his gaze.
“Bella, you don’t really want to be a blood-sucking monster for the rest of eternity. That can’t possibly be-“
“Jacob, I’m marrying Edward.” I said, looking at him now. I dropped my hand form his, and turned around.
“Wait!” he shouted. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, the wind whipping through my hair. Before I could reject, he put his lips to mine again. He held my face and kissed me like it was the last time he’d ever see me. It was a kiss of longing and greed, but also a kiss of love and hunger. Edward had never kissed me like this before.
I knew I shouldn’t be thinking like that, but I couldn’t help it. Every time he had kissed me, Edward had been cautious and careful with me. He never wanted to go too far, in fear that he’d hurt me. Always carefully placing his lips to mine, and holding me gently…
But not like this. Jacob didn’t bother to be careful with me. He held my head very tightly and gripped my hair with carelessness. Focusing only on our kisses… our kisses and nothing else.
I couldn’t help it. It could have been from never being kissed like this, or it could have been how much I missed Jake. I knew, in my head, that it was because I was in love with Jacob, but I tried to pretend that it wasn’t that. I imagined it was only because of some small thing that didn’t matter, but whatever the reason really was, I kissed him back.
I kissed him back the way he was kissing me. Not being careful and not trying to focus on anything else. I liked it. Edward would have stopped this by now. I could picture him backing away with his eyes closed, telling me that we needed to stop. I know it was because he wanted to protect me, and he said that he always wanted to keep going, but that still didn’t stop me from hurting every time he pulled away from me. It was so nice kissing like this, and not having to be hurt.
Suddenly all of the hurt that Edward had caused me, all of it, just began to play in my head like a movie. He had left me, always pulled away from our kisses, and he always made me do things. Whether it was a dance, or a birthday party. He tried to force me to enjoy my human life, and tried to keep me away from being a vampire life. He always manipulated me. I hated that.
Jake never did that. He loved me, and let me be myself. If I didn’t want to go to some stupid school dance, Jacob would never make me. He was gentle, but not too gentle. Sure, he had kissed me without asking first, but he was only showing me my options, letting me know that I didn’t have to stay with Edward.
And I didn’t have too. I could stay with Jacob if I wanted. Edward had no say in it. If that’s what I wanted to do, then I could do it! I’m an adult, while he’s still seven teen!
Suddenly I was so sick of Edward, so angry with him that it made me kiss Jake that much harder. It took me a seconds processing before I realized that we were walking to his house, our lips still smashing together. He was taking his coat off, as he kicked the door open. He picked me up, carried me over the threshold and quickly made his way to his room. His kisses stopped.
“Billy?” he asked aloud. No reply. Great.
He went right back to kissing me, only stopping to take quick breathes. I ripped my coat off as we fell on the bed. He rolled around so that I was lying on his chest. I could smell his sweet breath, taste the triumph in his lips.
“You sure you want to do this?” He whispered, looking me in the eyes. I smiled, nodded, and for the first time, didn’t worry about what Edward would think. I knew that with Jake, I could truly be happy.
The next thing I knew, he had ripped off his shirt, my hand on his chest, nothing else on my mind but him. Jacob, and no one else.
i love it!!