Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
glad you like it :D
*edited by mod* i loved it that was so freakin good i felt like i was there
aw i'm glad to hear it, really!
lol the edited by modd thing is funny
It was two days since I had seen Edward, and just like Jacob, I didn’t regret my kiss one bit.
I didn’t know if he’d ever come back. He could have been in Europe by now, maybe Wisconsin, or for all I know; he could be down at La Push, trying to kill Jacob. I cringed at the thought. Though I’d have preferred to be with Edward rather than anyone else, I still didn’t want Jacob to be hurt.
I had made a decision. Today, I was going to La Push to tell Jacob he was going to be a father.
I couldn’t decide if this would be harder than telling Edward about it. I loved Edward, but it was Jacob who would be the father. Would if he blows me off? I wondered.
I headed down stairs, grabbed my keys and walked out the door. I sat in my car, but didn’t start it. I called Jacob. I wouldn’t surprise me if he didn’t pick up. Every since the whole “Let’s lie.” Incident, he hadn’t talked to me.
But to my surprise, he did pick up. “Hello?” he asked. I could hear he was tired. “Hey Jake, it’s me.” I said, crossing my fingers he would stay on.
“Oh… hey.’ He responded. He clearly hadn’t realized it was I, other wise he probably wouldn’t have picked up.
“You busy?” I choked.
He didn’t answer for a couple seconds. I was sure he had hung up. “Yeah, I’m really busy right now.” He said.
“Look, I’m on my way to La Push, I know you don’t want to see me… but I have something really serious I need to talk to you about.” I stated. Please don’t hang up!
“Whatever.” He mumbled. It was better than nothing.
“See you.” I said but he had already hung up.
When I arrived on the reservation, I didn’t get the usual Jake, running through the rocks waving at me from yards away. He was nowhere in sight. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. It’s no too late to pull out…
No, you’re going through with this. I sighed and made my way out of the car, and over to Jacobs house. He was standing right outside the door, his arms crossed. I just stared at him. I can’t do this!
“Well?” he asked, obviously annoyed. “I’m a little busy so if you could just get to the-“ Suddenly his face softened. “Bella... Don’t cry. I’m just busy, okay?”
I stared at him. “What?” I then realized, too late, that I was crying. My voice was strained and my cheeks were wet. No!
“We need to talk.” I said, pushing past him to the door.
“Yeah, come on in.” he mumbled. I had to do a better job of telling him than I did Edward. I just needed to get it out.
“So…?” he asked, staring at me. His arms were still crossed. I’m just going to say it… Then it will be over with…
“Jacob, I’m pregnant.” I said, watching how he reacted. He instantly froze, as if he had been turned to ice. Just then I realized that I had forgotten to come up with part of my plan… what to say after I told him.
I just stared at him, hoping he would help me with what to say. He used the couch to support his arms. He turned his head to see Billy, stunned as he was, right in the hallway.
“Oh God.” I whispered as I slapped my hand to my face.
“I’ll give you two a minute.” He muttered, with a shocked face. He turned around and wheeled away back down the hallway.
Jacob turned back to me, just looking at me. “Are you sure?’ he asked.
“Yeah.” I whispered.
He nodded. He just sat there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. Was that it then?
‘”I’m…” he swallowed, avoiding my gaze. “The… father right?” he asked. I gasped.
“Of course! Who else would it be?” I said, It was so hard not to scream at him. I tell him I’m pregnant, and he wants to know if he’s the father? I wanted to punch him for real this time.
“Well, evidently it doesn’t really mean anything to…” he looked up to me. “Never mind I…” he was lost. He took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. He kept nodding.
The silence was killing me. “Say something.” I whispered.
“Like what?” he mumbled, steadying himself, he looked as if he were trying not to fall.
‘I don’t know… I… I’m sorry about your dad. I didn’t realize he was th-“
“Don’t worry about it.” He was barley audible. I could hardly hear him.
“I just need a minute.” He said and sat down on the couch. He stared at the black tv screen, though I knew he probably wasn’t thinking about television right now. I sat beside him and thought.
Until now, I hadn’t thought about the fact that I was going to be a mother. I had just been concerned with how Edward and Jacob would react. Not for a second, had I thought, wow, I’m going to raise a child. That’s when it really hit me.
Fat, pain, throwing up, diapers, socks, milk, bottle, tiny hands, crying… I gasped, quietly to myself. I suddenly felt over whelmed. How could I do this? I couldn’t go through pregnancy, birth, and eighteen years of that! I couldn’t do it on my own! I knew it was selfish, but at this point, I would have given anything to know that Jacob would be there for the baby and I. Though I didn’t deserve it, I needed his help more than anytime now. He had to be there. He just had to.
“Wow.” He whispered. I realized that both Jacob, and I were both just soaking this in. “Are you sure that your sure?” he asked. Dang it Jacob, I- I let the thought go.
“Positive.” I grumbled.
More silence. He seemed to compose seriousness when he said, “Are you staying with me… or him?” I just looked at him. What did Jacob mean-
Then I got it. Jacob wanted to know if were staying with him… or Edward. Yet another shocking question from Jacob.
“Edward and I aren’t together anymore.” I said, picking my fingernails. Jacob didn’t look surprised one bit.
“So you told him…” Jacob mumbled, soaking it in.
“Yes.” I whispered, and then I froze. Edward and I... hadn’t actually confirmed we were broken up just yet… it was just kind of implied. That still counted, right?
‘Okay.” Jacob whispered. I realized Jacob must not be that busy, or at least, not too busy for this. What if he became too busy to stay with me? What if he ran off with his friends and never returned to Forks?
“So what happens now?” he asked.
“I was hoping you had a plan.”
“You knew about this before me...” He trailed off. I honestly had no idea what to say. He seemed to have one, so I let him speak. “How about this.” Finally, he met my eyes. “Blood suckers out of the way… How about we start over, huh? Why don’t we forget what’s in the past because… Bella… honestly I want to be there for him. And I think you’ll need help with the wolf stuff..”
And there it was. The words I’d wanted to hear all day. He wasn’t letting me suffer through this alone. I wanted to jump up and scream, but at the same time, I wanted to give up and cry. This was a battle that made victory hard to come by. The only way to win was to give it everything you had… until your last breath is gone.
I wasn’t ready for this, but maybe with Jacob, we could help each other to be ready… maybe… Wait! Wolf? My eyes widened, if I had been standing, I would have fallen. Wolf… I was suddenly panic-stricken. This wasn’t going to be a normal child. How could I have forgotten about this?
“I’m Jacob.” He said.
I managed to create a small, but pleasant smile. “I’m Bella.” Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap….
He gave me a light smile back. Sure sure.” He said, but this time, with a real smile. And with that one, happy smile I realized Jacob was actually happy. He had an excitement in his eyes… a thrilling hunger and happiness that you didn’t come across to often.
I just wished I felt the same way.
what I really like about this chapter is Jacob's reaction, he is just so Jacob, always there, always good. And this time happy as well.
I like the way you describe the whole mother thing hitting Bella for the first time.
I also like the bit about Billy, it makes it seem more real somehow, as if the young people don't go round in litle bubles of their own all the time.