Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Thanks Zippora! I plan on updating tomorrow if I can, thanks for everything!
Incredible can't wait for more!!!
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I'm out for Thanksgiving at my moms but I'll get back next week and upate. Thanks for your patience guys! :)
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CHAPTER 15--- enjoy :)))
I looked to the ground suddenly. Dang.
Just get it over with. I have faith in you Ryan. Rahul said, eyes shining. I watched him as he confidently pep talked me into seeing my mother.
I can do this.
Yes, you can. Rahul smiled and began to walk away.
Wait! I thought, suddenly remembering something. He turned around. I need clothes!
Suddenly, Cody came running up, a pair of pants in his mouth. He dropped them in front of me and nodded before striding away.
Rahul snorted. You thought you had an excuse not to do it, huh?
For a second. I laughed and took off into the trees with the pants. I quickly shifted and pulled on the pants. I looked around and made sure no one was around. Once I was sure, I sat down and placed my head in my hands.
Rahul’s right. I can do this… I need to do this…
I sighed and stood up once again. I didn’t have to forgive her, all I needed to do was see her. After all, we would be fighting together in a few days. I could just pretend it was a before-the-battle meeting.
Yeah, that will work.
I walked the way back to the Cullen house and hesitated at the door. Maybe I shouldn’t-
Suddenly the door swung open, making me jump back.
“Hi.” The spiky haired chick named Alice smiled at me. “Esme was just about to bring some food out for you guys.” She said happily.
I felt awkward suddenly. She talked to me as if I were one of her bloodsucking friends. I was not turning into a bloodsucker friend.
She opened the door wider, and I wondered if she was awkward too. “You can come in if you like.” She offered and turned around, running into the kitchen. She was gone in less than a second.
I stood there awkwardly, not knowing where to go, or what to do. They would already know I’m here, they could smell and hear me. Were they laughing at the fact that I was awkward? Maybe I’m supposed to follow Alice…
“Hello.” The tall blonde doctor that fixed my leg suddenly greeted me. Where had he come from?
“I’m Carlisle, I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced yet.” He said holding out a hand. A female leech appeared behind him suddenly and placed one arm around him.
I shook his hand awkwardly and nodded. “Ryan.” I mumbled.
“This is my wife, Esme.” He said.
She smiled and then shook my hand. This is so freaking awkward… I’m glad the pack can’t hear my thoughts. This is so weird!
“We’re almost done preparing some food for your pack. You must be hungry.” She said.
I hadn’t really noticed my hunger until she brought it up. Still, I didn’t want leech food. For all I knew, she could have poisoned it with her leachy venom.
“No thanks. We’re fine.”
I heard the small sound of a wolf whine outside and I rolled my eyes. I’m going to smash in Cody’s head later…
“Oh.” She said. “Well the offer still stands. Always.” She said. I could tell she was slightly hurt, but it didn’t really make a difference. We were here to fight, and get out. We didn’t need bonding and friendship along the way…
Then why am I here to see my mother? I wondered suddenly.
“You know actually, I should be heading-“
I heard a growl off in the distance outside. Damn, couldn’t they give me any privacy?
“Umm…” I said awkwardly. “Is my…” I didn’t want to finish the sentence with that word. That one word that connected me with these leeches to begin with.
“She’s hunting with everyone else. It’s just us and Alice.” Carlisle answered. “She’ll be back soon.” He reassured me.
“Sure sure.” I mumbled and looked around. What now? Do I sit and wait, or do I stand outside?
Esme looked at me, slightly awkward. “I’ll set the food on the porch incase you change your mind.” She said and left the room. Carlisle then nodded to me and traveled upstairs in mad speed.
I listened as several things were tossed around in the kitchen. The smell of ham sandwiches and chips and a bunch of other stuff overwhelmed me. But I still smelt the smell of leech…
I hesitated. Maybe they wouldn’t poison the food? They seemed like descent bloodsuckers… I rolled my eyes. I could not bond with these guys. Even if they were cool… they were still leeches…
There were several pairs of footsteps outside. The hair on my neck stood up as the smell of more leeches came near. I can’t do this…I turned around to head out quickly, but was too late.
A blond hissed at me, anger in her eyes. This is a trap…
“Rosalie.” Esme growled from the kitchen.
The blonde looked up at her, then stomped away upstairs, her annoying high heels clacking. I could tell this chick wasn’t a big wolf fan. I would have to warn the pack to stay away from her.
“Hello.” A familiar voice said. I turned around to see Edward just walking inside the front door. Several other leeches followed him in behind him. One of them was her.
Esme suddenly came by with a giant plate of food in each hand. She walked passed the leeches and sat it outside. As she made her way in, several other leeches followed her into the house. I stood threw awkwardly as Edward and… her were the only ones left.
“Can I um…” You’re a pack leader! Act like it! I told myself. “Do you mind if I have a minute?” I asked Edward. For the first time today, I looked at her. Though she had a perfect face like the rest of the family, it was riddled with shock.
Edward nodded and stepped away. For a second, I stood there awkwardly.
“Do you want to talk outside?” she said suddenly.
I was relieved that she had actually said something. “Uh, yeah.” I said.
I followed her into the forest, unable to get over her disgusting smell, and the fact that I had never felt so awkward in my life. Why couldn’t I have a normal mother like the rest of the pack?
The pack. I hoped dearly that they didn’t listen to our conversation. That would just make for more awkwardness later when I shifted.
“Ryan I’m…” he suddenly stopped. She turned to face me, but looked to the ground. I wanted to look to the ground too, but I forced myself not too.
“I get it.” I said bitterly. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…
She looked up to me then. “No, really.” She said. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back, just have some time to explain, but I never got that chance. I never-“
“S’okay.” I said.
She shook her head. “No. It’s not.” she closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, a strange feeling overwhelmed me. Leeches couldn’t cry, but she looked very close. I could see a deep pain her eyes, years and years of loss and pain. Pure misery.
“I don’t know what you heard happened that day…” she choked on her words a little. “You can believe what you want to believe, but Ryan, I’m so sorry. None of it should have ever happened.” She looked to the ground, her eyes closed. “I should have been the one to die.” She mumbled.
Whether she was telling the truth or not, I could tell, she was at least putting forth more effort than the redhead had.
She shook her head. “I’m not asking you to forgive me Ryan, in fact if I were you, I wouldn’t. I just…” she looked at me again. “I’ve had sixteen years to prepare for this moment, and I don’t even have the words to describe how sorry I really am.” She said. “Ryan please-“
“Mo-.” I stopped. Okay, I’m not calling her that. What should I call her?
I forgot calling her by anything and just said what I wanted to say.
“I get it, really. I can see you’re sorry, even if it was on purpose or accident. I don’t know. But…” How do I say this?
Forget it. I don’t have to say anything to her.
“What is it?” she asked.
I stood there awkwardly. “Nothing.” I said and sighed. “Just don’t worry about it. You won’t be able to focus on fighting in a few days if you’re still worked up. So just forget about it. We’re cool.” I said and then turned away. I knew I had hurt her again, but I had said everything I needed to say.
I had talked to her just like Rahul had told me to do. Why should I do anything more?