Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Thanks 2gether. It's taking me longer than expected to get the chapter out, I just moved into a new house, but I'm settled now so I'm picking back up again. Should be up soon!
Here is the new, official Selfish trailer! Hope you guys like it!!!
Having no fear towards him for the first time in my life, I went to Sam, confident with myself. It was a powerful feeling, suddenly not being afraid or even slightly scared of someone I’d always feared and hated. It was a little sad, knowing that the only parent I’d ever really had, had made me fear him so much. My mind wandered for a second as I walked to what it would have been like, had I been raised by my mother. I’d imagined thousands of times being raised by my real father, but never by my mother. It was… a nice feeling.
Whether he noticed I no longer feared him or not, Sam still had the same pose he always had; stiff, rigid, his arms crossed like he was about to scold me. He watched me, his eyes unmoving, and making for something new, I stared right back at him.
He rocked from his right to left foot for a second, not used to me staring back at him, but still did not look away. Once I approached him, he huffed and watched me, obviously having nothing to say. Not a ‘You did good leading your pack’ or ‘sorry for everything I’ve done’ or even a simple ‘I should have told you Brett was my son’ Nothing. I honestly wasn’t surprised, but that didn’t make it any better.
“So…” I started, making sure not to show a single flinch, no sign of fear. I was an alpha now, a true alpha that had just proved my spot an alpha, and I would show it, especially to my enemies. “Brett’s your son.” I said, and then swallowed, as if swallowing down the bitterness to what the sentence truly held in its words.
Sam’s eyes shot away from me, eyeing something toward where the rest of the pack sat and talked, then, realizing he had turned away, looked back at me again, trying not to show any hint that he’d been a little surprised. But it was too late, I’d already seen it, and I would have to smile about it… later.
“Yeah.” He said with a husky voice. He looked to the ground, his teeth clenched. I could still see a bit of shock on his face; I couldn’t help but wonder how long he’d prepared for this moment, and if it had done him any good at all.
“How long have you known?” I asked him, not afraid to ask him anything at this point.
Now he held back none of the shock. He watched me for a moment, as if he were waiting for me to tell him that it was a joke. I said nothing.
“Ryan he’s my son… I’ve known since he was born!” he said, looking at me with wild eyes as if to say I was mad. I shook my head, just confused now.
“If you knew, then why did Paul raise your son?” I questioned him then, crossing my arms. If he was lying to me…
Sam looked around then, not looking for a way out, but looking to see if anyone was listening, and I could tell he was about to tell me something that would make me sick.
“Look.” He started, talking fast just to get it out of the way. “I couldn’t tell anyone because of the circumstances-“
“Who’s the mother?” I asked then, my heart beating fast. I’d never dared interrupt or interrogate Sam before, now I did both. But I had to know- Sam knew he had a son, so… what the hell? Who lives their who lives so close to their son, but never letting on the fact that they were the father? It didn’t make since…
Sam put his fist below his head, clenching his fingers in frustration.
“Who is the mother, Sam?” I demanded, also never had said his name like that before.
“Ryan just leave it-“
“Who?” I said louder, causing a few people to look over, then turn back away, trying not to pry.
Sam stared at me with his dead cold eyes as if trying to intimidate me to leave him alone, but I just stared right back, no fear. Both his hands were clenched at his sides now. I growled at him lowly, my nose curling up and could feel my hands shaking a little out of anger.
Sam sighed then, and without unclenching his fists, he growled the word ever so quietly. “Leah.”
My legs were glued where they were, for what seemed forever. I stared at him, too shocked to think. I knew Leah, and I knew she was the most hardheaded, self-centered woman I’d met… I never could have imagined her actually in a relationship with anyone... Especially Sam…
“No... It’s Rachel….” I said, not believing him. I knew he would lie to me! I should have known! “Why else would Rachel take care of him?” I demanded. “Rachel cheated on Paul and you just can’t admit it! I should have known you-“
Sam put his hands on my shoulders then, “Do you want me to spell it out for you?” he demanded, angry. “Can you quiet down before everyone-‘
“No!” I yelled, jerking away from his grasp. “Why are you lying?” I barked at him, glaring with all I had. Leah? What kind of excuse was that? Everyone knew she hated everything on the planet. If he were going to lie, he should at least make up something good!
“Ryan.” Sam growled, trying to speak quietly to quick drawing attention from the others. “I told you, Leah is the mother. I’m not lying.” He growled, still equally as furious. I stared at him, and then, before I could help it, my eyes widened and my mouth dropped to the ground. I hadn’t understood…. But now I did. I did, and I suddenly wished that I didn’t.
16 Years Earlier…
“Sam…” Leah said, dropping her voice as she said the next sentence. “I’m pregnant.”
Sam put his face in his hands immediately, realizing what he’d done. “Damn’t.” he growled, then reached for the nearest thing, the unlucky item being a tree, and ripped it from the ground, tossing it as far as he could. “Damn’t.” he said again.
Leah just stood there, her arms crossed. “You done.” She asked after a minute.
Sam looked up to her, and then cupped one of his hands around her face. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, looking her in the eyes. “Its just Emily…”
Leah’s eyes widened then in disgust. “What about Emily?” she demanded.
Sam watched her then, confused. “Leah, you know I can’t just leave her…”
Leah stepped away from him, suddenly looking angrier than Sam had moments before. “It’s always about Emily isn’t it?” she said, near tears. “You just let her control your life, what about us Sam? What about us? Have you forgotten about everything-“
‘I have forgotten nothing.” Sam growled, closing the gap between them. “Have you forgotten the fact that I have imprinted on her? That I have no choice but to stay with her?”
“But you said…” Leah wiped a tear away quickly, trying not to let him see it. “You said you could make it go away, that you still loved me enough… that’s why we…”
“I’m sorry Leah…” he said, “I thought I could… I really did!” he clenched his fists then, trying not to throw something else. “I still love you Leah. I thought I could make my love for her go away… I really thought that loving you enough could make it go away… but I still love her, I can’t break the imprint. I’m so sorry Leah…”
I backed away then, many tears already quickly falling down my cheeks. I had to get away. I had to go- I needed to-
I started to run then, holding in the tears with all my might. They couldn’t hear me. If they knew I had heard, nothing could ever be the same again…
Nothing will ever be the same again anyway.
I tripped over a branch, not paying attention to where I ran. As soon as I fell to the ground, everything fell out at once. I’d never cried so hard in my life. My hands shook violently through my crying, but my eyes were too clogged with tears to see them. I don’t know how long I lay there, crying, but eventually, I stood. Trying not to burst again, I began to walk.
Sam didn’t want me… He never did. He loved me yes, but not truly. He only loved me because he was forced to. I was the reason for his heartbreak, the reason he can never be with Leah, the one he truly loves… I’m his imprint, nothing more.
I looked up then and gasped. I started to back away, my hands shaking… and fell back onto the hard ground. I stared, not blinking at her. They had not exaggerated her fiery red hair….
“Victoria.” I whispered, hardly audible.
Rolling her eyes, she began to walk away. Before I knew what I was doing, I yelled at her. “Wait!”
She turned around then, cocking her head in interest.
“Please… kill me.” I cried out, the tears falling again. She let out a shriek of laughter; her long curls bouncing as her body shook with the laughter. “I’m not interested.” She said in a baby like voice before turning back around.
“Please.” I whispered, unable to talk any louder than that. “Please.” I begged. I closed my eyes, shaking with fear and sadness and anger. Sam couldn’t be with Leah because of me… As long as I was here, Sam would never be able to love Leah like his heart truly wants… but if I were gone, he could be happy. I wanted Sam to be happy… “Please.” I begged again.
Before I could change my mind, say anything more, or even think another thought, I felt hard cold teeth in my neck, and I let out a scream. I tried to focus on Sam and his beautiful face, but it was hard. I’d never been in so much pain in my life.
Then, just seconds later, the pain stopped. The shaking and crying stopped. Even my thoughts of Sam were stopped. And hopefully, the imprint had stopped as well…
I still stared at the ground, my hands shaking now. Don’t get sick… don’t get sick…
“Ryan!” Sam demanded impatiently.
You’re weak. Just like the girl who begged for her death Victoria’s voice rang through out my head. I hadn’t understood her words fully until now... Emily… Emily was the girl that had begged for death. Emily had-
“Ryan.” Sam growled, shaking my shoulder, I finally looked up to him, my eyes still wide. “The hell is a matter with you?” he asked but I was still too shocked to answer. Emily had begged for her death… for Sam… and this is what had become of him…
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Sam mumbled and turned away.”
“Hold on a second.” I got out, and he turned around, his arms crossed. I swallowed, preparing my words carefully. I looked at him, thinking about what to say.
“I’m sorry about Brett.” I said.
He stared back at me, no longer surprised, but not happy or angry or sad either… his face showed no emotions as he said “Thanks.” He looked to the ground, and then walked away. He wouldn’t let on, but I knew he was sad that his son was now gone, even if he hadn’t known him that well.
I walked back to Molly, feeling like a robot. I had so many things to say, and no way of saying them. So many emotions to let out, and no clue how too. As I sat down beside her, she stared at me, a worried look on her face.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
The moment she said it to me, all of the questions that had been at bay in my head, were now flying around spasmodically.
Did I really love Molly? Did Beth hate me for leaving her? Would I ever try to break my imprint with Molly? Did Molly feel like she had stolen me? Would Molly beg for death as Emily had? Would I end up like Sam?
I shivered, but I knew without a doubt, that I would never end up like Sam. Beth would never end up like Leah. Molly would never end up the way Emily had; I would never let her.
They had all been wrong. Emily thought she could kill herself so Sam could be with Leah, but she had been wrong. Sam really did love her, he hadn’t realized it then, and he thought it was just an imprint, but he was wrong. Emily wasn’t just an imprint, she was his life. The last 16 years had proved so. I knew then that none of that would happen to Beth, to Molly, or even to me, because I had now learned from Sam’s mistake, without having to suffer. Molly wasn’t just an imprint, she wasn’t just my love; she was my life.
I turned to her, a smile on my face. “I’m okay.” I said, reassuring her. I kissed her then, and when I let go, I looked her in the eyes deeply. “I’m more than okay.”
I am so so so so very sorry for taking so long. I've never taken this long to update. Again I am very sorry. Hope you enjoy the chapter. :] 3 more chapters, then an epilogue. The end is near! :(
Once again a great chapter with some interesting revelations! Ryan really took the news very well and managed to learn from the past. The way he stood up to Sam and later apologised to him about Brett was very admirable. He is turning out to be a very wise and insightful young man and a great leader!
Everything I've had happen to Ryan throughout this story, I've tried to use it in some way to show how it has changed him. Your comment has showed me that... well I'm doing it right. :] Thanks Seugnet.
Wow. I mean wow. That chapter was so deep with sam. Emily wanted to die for sam. Update soon. And I'm sad the end is near :(
Really? Thanks! I tried to make it deep, really heart breaking too. I'm sad the end is near as well, of all the stories I've written, this one is my personal favorite. I just hate to end it! I'd love to do another sequel, or Selfish from Edwards point of view or something like that, just because I'm not ready to let the story go, you know? Anyway, thanks for the comment. Every comment I've gotten means more and more :)
Leah proceeded to have the baby, but Sam didn't want anyone knowing who's baby it was, so he had Paul and Rachel take care of the baby. Thanks for the comment, and again I'm sorry it took so long.
Sam is such a coward nd he calls himself the alpha. I'm glad Ryan took over:)
nd na its ok it was worth it
You know what? I couldn't agree more. Ryan has become much stronger and more mature through this process, and he deserves it so much more than Sam ever will. I was a little hesitant at the beginning of Secretive, making a new character and all, but now I'm super glad I did it :]
Jesse you're so good about your updates my updates are always crappy and late! Ugh i need to get working on that. I loved the update! Its amazing. I didn't think it was Rachel.