The Twilight Saga

Selfish

Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.

 

***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***

Chapter One-

 

  The time was 6:45

  So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-

  It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging.  They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.

  It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.

  Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.

  I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.

  So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?

  I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.

 6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person.  The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.

  Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…

   “Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?

  “I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.

  “Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-

  I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.

  I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.

  “Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!

  “Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.

  He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…

  “Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“

  “Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“

  “Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.

  “What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“

  “Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.

  “Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.

  Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.

  You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did  become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…

  I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!

  “Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?

  Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.

  “But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.

  “Bella we never-“

“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?

  Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”

  “Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.

  “Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”

  I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…

  Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…


Selfish-

Selfish Book 2- Secretive

  ***SPOILER ALERT*** The battle was lost for the Cullen's, causing Bella to lose her world, Ryan, but little do they know that the battle has not completely ended. Not yet. Now that Ryan has grown to be alpha of the La Push wolf pack, he wants revenge. Seeking help to avenge the tragic death of his father, Jacob, Ryan finds someone wandering around in the woods who also plans to kill the Cullen's. Little does he know, it is not a coincidence that he has run into this powerful, yet deadly favor of help. Find out what happens in Secretive, the second book in the Selfish Trilogy.

 

***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***

Secretive-
 
 
 Selfish Book 3- Surreal
 In this shocking finale to the Selfish Trilogy, Bella's life will be put on the line more than ever before. Completed summary to be revealed soon!
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
 

Prologue
  I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
  Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
  It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
  But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
  But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...


Surreal-
Chapter 3- Coming Soon!

 

     

***This gif was made by Nayely Ramirez***
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Selfish Trilogy Inspirations - Stephenie Meyer, Alexandre Desplat, Waiting For the End by Linkin Park, Howl by Florence + The Machine, Dead in the Water by Ellie Goulding, Moira Wry by Eve, and all of my wonderful readers =)

 

Tags: Alice, Baby, Bella, Beth, Brett, Death, Desplat, Edward, Jacob, Jesse, More…Love, Molly, Pregnant, Ryan, Secretive, Selfish, Surreal, Trilogy, Truth, Victoria, Vision, Wolf

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OKAY- You guys are amazing!!! So... I wrote faster!! Here's chapter eleven!!! :D

Chapter Eleven-

  “Are… Will…” I didn’t have the slightest clue what to say.

  So I was knocked up after all? This was different. I was happy… happy because I never wanted this to happen to my baby… but I didn’t want to have to tell this to Jacob either. After making him lie to Edward, then my baby tying him down to staying with me and protecting our child, all the way to telling him there was nothing there and… I gulped… and then Jacob unleashing on me…

  I shivered. I couldn’t tell him about this. I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how he’s react. What if he was still angry and didn’t want to stay with me? I’d of rather him not know, then to be rejected by him. I couldn’t let him know.

  “Do you need anything?” asked Carlisle. I had forgotten he was there.

  “Oh, no thanks… I mean…” little words. “Actually, Do you mind getting me-“

  Suddenly, Alice came back into the room, her eyes wide with shock. “Bella, Jacob had to leave. He said he was sorry, so sorry, but there was an emergency down at La Push.” She said.

  “What happened?’ Though I didn’t want to know what had happened.

  She hesitated. “Victoria.” She whispered. “She’s killed someone.”

  My head started spinning. “Who?” I asked.

  “A girl named Emily. Did you know her?” she asked.

  I gasped. Know her? She was Sam’s imprint! Sam had loved her, and always would. Victoria was only out to kill because… because of me. I put my head on my knees, trying to get blood to flow through to my head. No, no, no, no,… This isn’t happening…

  “Oh Bella, it’s not your fault!” Alice said, hugging me. I lifted my head up. “Alice… Victoria is killing people to try and get me to surrender. She’s not going to stop until-“

  “Shhh. You’re just upset. And don’t worry. We won’t let her kill anyone else. She won’t get away with it. As for you.” She said, pointing her finger at me. I noticed her long pretty nail. Alice was so perfect. “I’m going to watch you. You’re not going to get away from me like you did with James last time.” She said, with seriousness.

  “But Emily is already dead! How can you stop that?”

  Alice just stared at me. “We’ll figure this out Bella. Stop worr-“

  “How can I not worry, Alice?” I asked her. “I don’t want you guys risking your lives for me! Edward and I aren’t…” I stopped there. Right. Edward was in Carlisle’s office.

  “Bella,” Carlisle started, “Both Edward and you may not be together anymore, but as far as I’m concerned, you and Alice are still very good friends. And we still care for you. We will protect you.” He reassured me. But it wasn’t working.

  “Why?” I asked, amazed. “I’ve done nothing but hurt everyone. I deserve to be harmed! Killed even!” I shouted.

  “Bella-“ Alice argued. Carlisle stood up from his chair. “You heard him, were going to protect you whether you want it or not. Edward and everyone else is out there now-“

  “Wait- what?” I said.

  “They went after Victoria.” She said.

  Great. Now their family was out there risking their lives… “Alice, no! Isn’t she near the wolves territory anyway?” I asked. My eyes widened in fear. They wouldn’t cross the line… would they?

  “Don’t worry. They went to the opposite side from where they all are, incase Victoria manages to get away. They’ll be there to get her. Nobodies going to be crossing any lines today.” She smiled. She was just sure they were going to get Victoria… but what if someone was hurt in the process? Or worse… I stopped the thought.

  “Now get your mind off of it and tell me something, okay?” she asked. I simply nodded. “How are you feeling? Is your arm okay?”

  My arm. Until now, my arm had been the least of my worries, but now I couldn’t get my mind off of it. I looked down at it, sick of the stupid bandages. I ripped at them, tearing them off f my arm. It hurt, but I didn’t stop.

  “Bella, that’s not really a good idea…” Carlisle said, but didn’t stop me.

  As I ripped at the bandages, I thought of Emily. Poor Emily. I thought especially of her face. The scar on her face… I ripped the final layer, to reveal a deep, red gash in my arm. It was awful. This would cause a scar… A scar all the way across the inside of my arm… A big ugly scar that would never go away… Emily’s scar had represented that she was in love with a werewolf, and always would be.

  My scar represented my selfishness.

  “What was it that you needed, Bella?” asked Carlisle. This scar would always be there. Every time I looked at it, I would see Jacob and I… our stupid affair… I’d remember breaking up with Edward… and Jacob deciding to stay with me… I would always remember telling Jacob about the loss of our child… About everyone going out and fighting for me…. After all I had done… It was all because of my one selfish decision…

  “I don’t remember…” I told Carlisle, refusing to tear my eyes away from the scar for a second. 

 

awww this is sad but really good

sorry it's sad :(

Thanks! Working on next chapter.

oh emily thats is sad

i am trrying to finish im am behind but

theres lot to read sorry -i keeping reading thou

K take your time. Thanks for the comment!

I liked the phrase

"My scar represented my selfishness."

A physical represtation of emotional scar.

Lots and lots going on and your doing such a good job of keeping all the plates spining at once.

 

Thank you Chris, even now that I'm writing Secretive, your comment means a lot and encourages me. So thank you :)

OMG!!!! Poor Bella!!! Awesome!!!
Thank you!
Wow! You are a wonderful writer and I can't wait to read your next chapter ! :)

Aww thanks kelley!

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