Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
We all hope :) Thanks for reading :)
oh shizzz! omigod! this is sooo good update plz!!!
Thank you Rachel! That means a lot ;)
chapter 22 is up! This one was hard so I hope you guys think it's okay
The pain was in my legs, my arms, chest, head… it was everywhere, especially in my heart. I had never touched fire before, but I now assumed that I had a good idea of what it felt like to be on fire. It was as if a doctor had injected heat into my veins. Why had I ever agreed to this?
It seemed as if it had been about six weeks before the ends of my fingers grew numb. They were like this for a few minutes before I could feel them again. Little by little, the rest of my body repeated this method. The pain would let down, the numbness would begin, and then I would feel better. I was sure it was almost over when I felt my heart begin to raise.
It beat faster and faster, I felt as if my heart was trying to break free from my rib cage and out into the world. My heart should be stopping now, not beating faster.
I could hear the soft padding of approaching feet. For the first time, I tried to think about where I was. I hadn’t opened my eyes once, so I had no clue. Was I still at the hospital?
Another thought hit me. Ryan. Was Edward mad with my baby? What about… Jacob?
This worried me even more. I knew Jacob had a habit of having a temper. What would he do when he found out I had changed? He had to understand! If I hadn’t changed, I wouldn’t have survived whatever it was that almost took my life. I wouldn’t be alive right now. Surly Jacob would see why I had no choice…
I wanted to open my eyes, but I was scared. For now, life was okay. I was just lying here comfortably while the world moved on. When I opened my eyes again, everything was back to the way things were. Jacob and Edward would be angry and hurt… but then again, there was still Ryan. If anything, I had to face my silly fears and stand up to this bully. I could do it. For Ryan, I could.
And with that, I opened my eyes for what seemed like the first time. For a split second, it was like opening my eyes to a bright dentist light. And then- it was over. I had a feeling that would be the last time I ever opened my eyes and thought something was bright.
I sat up very slowly, and looked around. Everyone was there. Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett were nearer to me while Esme, Rose, and Edward were just behind them. I was confused for a second, noticing the now smaller number of family members. Where was Alice?
I didn’t ask them where she was. I would eventually, but for now I focused on the room. How bright and clear it was. I could see the smallest piece of dust lingering around by the door. How amazing it was!
“Bella…” Carlisle asked. My head whipped toward him immediately. His voice was different. I told myself that it was only because I had new ears, but there was something else. Something about the ay he talked to me, cautioning, it was as if he was slightly scared.
“Yes?” I asked, wanting to look to Edward. I owed him the biggest thank you that anyone ever owed. He had saved my life, and allowed me the ability to see my child once more. I owed him so much… if it weren’t for my now immortal life, I would have been sure I wouldn’t have enough time to pay him back for what he had done for me.
“How are you feeling?” everything was different. It was almost unbearable to think that I was no longer human. I just wasn’t used to it. I wanted to walk around, and feel the balance that vampires had when they went here and there. I wanted to run faster than any human would ever dream of, and feel the air hit my face with power and might.
So many thoughts went through my head, yet they only took fractions of a second to think of them all. Without even having to think about it, I answered Carlisle’s question. “I’m fine. Where’s Alice?’
Jasper flinched, a pained look on his face. Had I said something wrong? Suddenly, I picked up on the tension in the room. My instincts told me that something was wrong. What happened to Alice?
“She’s down stairs.” Carlisle answered me, making me sigh with relief immediately. “She’ wanted to be up here with you, but she’s still healing.” He explained.
Wait- healing? Before I could ask what had happened, Carlisle held a hand up, motioning for me to silence. I did so and let him talk.
“Bella, all will be explained later. For now, you need to hunt.”
I was disappointed. “Can I see Ryan first?” I asked. Now it was Edward that flinched. I heard light footsteps coming from up the stairs. Seconds later, Alice walked into the room. A big smile stretched across my face at the sight of her, but went away quickly when I saw the red mark that ran across her neck, and up her cheek. I gasped.
She came over and hugged me. “Don’t worry Bella. It will go away. It was a lot worse earlier.” She spoke calmly and smiled at me. “You’re beautiful.” She said. She seemed so calm for whatever had happened to her.
“Alice, what happened?’ I asked unhappily.
She frowned and looked down to the floor. “I’m sorry Bella.” She whispered. Edward took a step forward, as if to comfort her, but then returned back to where he had stood.
“You should really go hunting. You’re probably in pain…” Jasper said worriedly, trying to distract me. I now noticed the burning sensation in my throat, but I ignored it. Now I needed to know what had happened to Alice. I didn’t care that I needed blood.
“I tried to protect him…” she pulled her hands up to her face. “I’m so sorry, Bella.”
“Alice…” I was so confused. Had someone gotten hurt? I froze. I hated this, because I knew that whoever had gotten hurt, it would be because of me. It would someone all lead back to my one stupid mistake.
She looked up to me. “I tried to protect Ryan, but… The wolves attacked me, and… Bella they have Ryan. The wolves have Ryan. I’m so sorry! I tried to get him back but…”
I now realized why the scar was on her face. Alice had risked her life trying to keep my child safe. I now owed both Edward and Alice, with my life. Why had this family continued to do so much for me, when all I did was make their lives a living hell?
Ryan. The wolves had taken Ryan… Jacob and his friends had found a way to take Ryan, and they had almost killed my best friend in doing it. How dare they! How could Jacob do this to them? This wonderful family before me had never done anything to those wolves to hurt them, yet they had almost taken Alice so that Jacob could have his kid back.
I guess I deserved it. After all, this was my entire fault. I didn’t deserve the pleasures of having my child with me. Jacob had done no wrong; he deserved to be with Ryan-
As I looked down, I scanned my arm. Even with my new vampire skin, the scar Jacob had put there many months ago, still remained. Even the works of powerful venom could not heal a scar such as this one.
Than again, did either one of us deserve to have Ryan?
No. Sure Jacob had turned to a wolf and scratched me, it was no big deal! It was just a scratch. I deserved this scratch for putting Jacob through all of that.
Yet, I still couldn’t get over the fact that Jacob had taken Ryan, and I didn’t have him.
I had given up everything to become a vampire, just so I could see Ryan before dying. But now that I couldn’t pass over to Jacobs land, how would I ever see Ryan? Jacob would understand right? He would break the treaty just a little so I could see my son. Jacob would do that, right?
“Bella…” it was Edward’s voice. With the sound of his voice, I just wanted to sink into the floor and lie there, listening to him humming our lullaby. But that wasn’t an option right now.
“Yes?” I asked, highly aware that he was watching my eyes. I suddenly remembered that they were red now, but it was only a small part of my brain that recognized this fact.
“We’re going to get him back.” He assured me, a serious look on his face. Get him back?
I watched the faces on the family. They were all willing to fight to get Ryan back, for me. Even after I had done so much and put Edward through a miserable situation. Why were they always giving me what I didn’t deserve?
I realized with a sad thought that there would never be a compromise. Jacob was a wolf, and I was now his natural born enemy. I was not allowed to go to La Push anymore. Our son would never fully know both his mother and father. I realized sadly that Ryan would either grow up with his dad, or with his mother. That was that. Ryan would have one, or the other.
But I wasn’t about to let Jacob take away that opportunity. If Jacob wanted Ryan to grow up at La Push, than fine, Jacob could have him. I wasn’t going down without a fight.
Let the wars begin.
yeah go bella get ur baby back!