Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
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I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Cool! Excited to see it! :)))
chapter 23!!! I'm excited for this one:)
I turned back to Edward. “Wait- how can we get him back if they’re on La Push? I’m not allowed to cross the border anymore…” My new brain was a quick thinker; I loved how it didn’t let me down, even for a second.
Though I couldn’t help feeling sad, the fact that my new brain was the very reason I couldn’t see Ryan. Jacob will let you cross. He’ll have to understand… I noticed that my annoying conscience had still not left me.
Edward gave me a small smile, revealing his razor teeth. “Seeing as how I’ve bitten you, I think the treaties already broken.”
I was suddenly surprised with his comment. “Oh.” I mumbled with my new angelic voice. The treaty was broken, and it was my entire fault. When would the destruction that I was, just stop?
“Isn’t there a way to get it back?” I stood up “I mean they have to understand! I’m supposed to be dead right now!” I said worriedly. Edward flinched at my comment, while Jasper stepped back, a confused look on his face.
“Bella…” Edward said quietly, at a loss for words.
“How are you doing that?” demanded Jasper. I looked back to him; an amazed yet scared look had settled itself on his face.
“Doing what?” I asked.
“Bella,” Carlisle explained, “You’re supposed to be crazed for blood at this moment. Yet you seem entirely calm and focused on other things. Maybe this could be a special gift, perhaps?” he sort-of asked the last question to himself.
I was a little confused. “Is… Is that bad?” I wondered aloud.
“Not entirely. Just… different. It’s nothing to worry about Bella you’re just different. Though you should hunt, just in case. This could possibly be temporary.”
I nodded. As I begun to think about what it would be like to drink blood, my throat suddenly burned. I was terribly reminded of my transformation, and how painful it had been. Instantly, I cupped my hand around my throat, mentally begging it to stop.
It was strange, all of them watching me. I took my hand away from my throat and looked to Alice. “I want to see what I look like.” I told her. A grin stretched across her face, making the claw marks not as noticeable.
“Come with me.” She smiled and ran out of the room. I followed her, but nobody else followed. I was happy with that. I didn’t want everyone to see my reaction.
“Something’s wrong with her.” I heard Jaspers hushed voice as I traveled down the stairs. They were upstairs whispering, yet I could hear them perfectly!
“There is nothing wrong with her!” Edward growled back. Alice noticed I had stopped to listen to them, so she grabbed my arm and pulled me into her room.
As we entered, I noticed many things. The closet, bathroom, and dressers took up most of the room. The dressers were coated with many pieces of make-up laid out. It was disastrous. I pulled back for a second, not wanting to get tricked into a mass make-over.
“Don’t worry, you need to hunt. I’m not going to make you put on make up. We’ll do that later.” She grinned and pulled me to the wall mirror. It stretched from floor to wall, and was very wide.
“How do you explain this, then?” Jasper asked, trying to talk even quieter. I pretended to look at myself in the mirror, not wanting Alice to know that I was completely focused on the conversation upstairs.
It was Carlisle that responded. “Probably just preparation. She knew what was going to happen. She’s seen us, and how we do things. She was just read-“
“That’s preposterous! Every newborn prepared or not is focused on nothing but blood! Yet she stands tall, wanting to know how things have been!” Jasper was not angry, he just sounded concerned. Though it still bothered me a little.
Silence echoed through out the house. There were no voices, which made it a little awkward. Alice took me out of my trance.
“So- what do you think?” she asked, jumping up and down a little. She was clearly excited, the fact that I was now a newborn.
“I uhh…” I realized that I still hadn’t noticed what I looked like yet. I watched myself, really noticing the lines and curves for the first time. It was as if I were looking at Rosalie! I now had her figure, the small waist and strait hair, the flawless face and long tall legs. I was… speechless. I was now as beautiful as Rosalie, only with Brunette hair.
I turned around to see my back and legs and… my now perfect butt. I snorted with that. Becoming a vampire made everything look perfect!
“You’re not happy?’ Alice asked, sad.
“No Alice! Of course not! I’m just…” wow! I had never felt so beautiful in all of my life! And now I could look this way forever!
Then I realized that it wasn’t worth it. Sure, I was shockingly beautiful and could now run around the world if I wanted to, but for what? As a consequence, the treaty had to be broken, as well as Jacob’s heart? He was probably miserable right now, as I fancied myself in the mirror!
I walked away from the mirror, trying not to think of how my red eyes went wonderful with my dark hair, and walked away from Alice’s room. I couldn’t look at myself anymore.
“Bella…” Alice whispered. She was in front of me at once.
“Yes?” I responded.
“Are you okay?” She questioned. I noticed that the conversation from upstairs had come to an end as the rest of the family mad their way down stairs in a speed I would not have been able to match a week ago.
As I had heard theirs, Edward had heard our conversation. He had seen my reaction trough Alice’s head. Did he regret giving me this second life that I cherished so much? When we had been engaged, he had clearly told me that he would never bite me, and he made sure that I understood that.
But I was now bitten. I knew Edward very well, and he probably felt terrible for doing this. He had always believed that becoming a vampire was a punishment, the worst possible spell that could be cast on anyone. Was he upset for casting this spell on me? I knew the answer, but tried to ignore it.
I turned back to Alice, amazed that only a second ago, she had asked me her question, yet I had thought so many thoughts since.
“I’m okay, Alice. It’s just a little shocking seeing me the new way.” I answered, not letting on how upset I truly was. I had answered her this way, so that I could reassure her, but I knew that I was mostly trying to reassure Edward. I hated the thought of him moping around the rest of his days, regretting the decision to change me. I just couldn’t let that happen. I had to let him know that I was okay.
She giggled. “Great! Now let’s get you out and hunting before my husband goes insane.” She smiled and grabbed my arm.
I was suddenly nervous. Were the wolves somewhere out there in the woods, waiting for the opportunity to once and for all, show that the treaty was indeed broken?
So I had broken the treaty. I couldn’t help but wonder what I would do next…