Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
As we ventured through out the long forest, I smiled. Many trees passed quickly by as I ran at my new speed. How amazing this was! The wind flew passed me, unable to match my speed. I studied the smallest of aged lines on the tree limbs, the microscopic roots within the dark green leaves, and even the smallest piece of dust, carefully landing on a fallen tree trunk.
The forest was more beautiful than ever when you could really appreciate every small inch of it. Leaves crumbled and twigs snapped as I gracefully stepped over them, running deep into the forest of green. How far was Alice taking me?
She suddenly stopped, so I mimicked her, stopping right beside a small boulder. I gazed curiously at it as an ant crawled over it, trying to reach the other end. I could see every detail of the little critter. I narrowed my eyes at the lines and bumps of its complicated body, how swiftly its legs moved to help it travel quicker. I had never realized how detailed and specific even the smallest of creatures were!
I was happy to be out hunting with Alice. She had always been my best friend and right now, she was the only one in the Cullen house that I wasn’t awkward around. I felt terrible for all the family had to do for me, when they didn’t have to do any of it.
As we lingered near the boulder with the ant, Alice grinned. Since I had woken from my transformation, Alice’s scar had already healed a little bit more. It gave me a small piece of reassurance that I really needed. I was really glad to see her smiling, despite the fact that only a few short days ago, a large wolf had tried to take her life.
“Smell that?” she asked me. I hadn’t yet experimented with my new nose. Curiously, I smelled the air, trying to keep myself calm. I didn’t want to seem to antsy or anxious. Alice giggled as she watched me. “Don’t worry- you’ll get the hang of it.” She smiled. What had I been doing wrong?
With my confused look, she grabbed my wrist. “Here.” She said and pulled me away from the boulder that I felt close with already. As we grew farther away from it, I started to worry. Would if I couldn’t get the hang of it? What if I did it wrong, and embarrassed myself?
“Don’t worry.” She reassured me, and came to a stop.
“It’s as if you can read minds.” I scoffed.
“I can’t. But I can see into your future, and you” She pointed her index finger at me, “are very anxious. Just calm down. You’ll do find. It’s no harder than eating a bowl of cereal.” She said and gazed upon the quiet forest.
“That’s easy for you to say! You have eaten human food in decades!” I argued. I would probably be the first vampire in the history of vampires to have a hard time learning how to drink blood. Wouldn’t it be easier to just drink blood from a cup?
“Now d you smell it?” she asked excitedly. She smiled anxiously as she watched my expression. I tried not to pay too much attention to her.
I did smell it. I had no idea what it was, but it was appealing. I closed my eyes so I could better focus on the smell. I could just barley taste its fragrance on the tip of my now pale tongue. I had enjoyed many foods over the years, but nothing grabbed me like this. I wanted to continue to stay calm, but all I wanted to do was run toward whatever the smell was.
“Alice…” I breathed quietly. I heard a bird suddenly flutter from a tree above, something that would have scared me when I was human. Now, I didn’t even flinch. It was almost as if I expected the bird to fly from it’s tree. Would nothing ever scare me again?
I focused on the smell again, smelling the essence of the blood, how new and oxygenated it was… I could still taste it in my mouth. It suddenly became stronger. I couldn’t take it anymore. The pains of my transformation took action once again as my throat leaped in anger.
I forgot all that was. Nothing else mattered. I had to have the blood! I couldn’t take my mind off of it. It was all I could concentrate on.
Suddenly, I leaped at a mountain line as it lingered near a small puddle. I hadn’t yet realized that I had moved until my sharp venomous teeth were within the lion’s neck. As I tasted the cat’s blood, I bit harder. Not even the smallest part of my mind concentrated on the fact that the lion was in pain. I just couldn’t get away from the fact of how sweet the taste of blood was. As I through the corpse down, I thought again about how amazing it had tasted.
So if this was how amazing animal blood was, how could a human’s blood be any better. I didn’t want to test out this theory, but suddenly my throat ached at the thought, and I began to focus on where I could find the nearest human. My eyes traced the outer linings of the forest. I quickly turned around as I searched for any sign of human life.
“Um Bella, maybe we should go somewhere else.” Alice said, grabbing my wrist once again. I suddenly thought back to what I was about to do. I would have killed a human just so I could taste their blood! How could I do such a thing?
I was suddenly miserable with myself. I froze and stared at the fallen leaves while Alice tried to pull me back into reality.
“Bella, it’s okay. Come on.” She spoke softly, but seriously.
“I was…” I started, but stopped mid sentence. How had Edward ever kissed me? How had he ever stood within miles of me without letting his walls down? How badly I wanted more blood! It was nagging at me. My burning throat constantly reminded me of the fact that I wanted more blood. I had killed a mountain lion, yet it hadn’t been enough. I wanted more.
I needed more. One human couldn’t be too bad, right? Just to try…?
“Bella!” Alice yelped. My head snapped back to hers and I looked her in the eye. “Focus. Okay?” she asked.
“Right.” I said and we walked through more forest. After traveling for a couple minutes, I lost patience. “Why don’t we just run? It’s a lot quicker.” I commented.
She smiled and with that, we ran. After about forty seconds, Alice stopped again, and her smile grew bigger. “Okay.” she smiled and pointed to the north.
She didn’t even have to point; I smelled it instantly. Just like I had done minutes before, I leaped at a second lion and drank its blood. This one, I claimed the life of even quicker. This was accelerating, drinking the blood of a struggling animal, doing everything in its power to escape your grasp.
I looked up from the animal’s body after finishing all that was left of it. Alice skipped back from behind a few trees. I could spot the smallest little stain of red from her bottom lip. Even though I had known she was a vampire for all this time, I had still never managed to visualize her hunting. She seemed too sweet and harmless to kill an animal and drink it’s blood.
I laughed as I stood up and ran some more. I was full now, but I wanted to run. I purposely kept my mind away from what wait at home. All of the problems I had caused, and angry people waiting for me to officially be taken down. If only I could just run forever!
I leaped over a wide fallen trunk, the wind soaring through my think dark hair. I smelled the sweet tang of fresh greens and fruits and old rain puddles.
Everything mixed into one big landmass of forest, and it was amazing. All these years, I had walked through he forest and missed so much! For a split second, I actually couldn’t remember what problems I had been worrying about.
And than, in a split second, they all rushed back to me as I noticed a picture of me. Pinned to a tall oak, a wrinkled paper showed itself to the world. I could see the lines on it that clearly defined that it had suffering several pours of rain.
On the top of the sign read the one single word “missing”
I gasped as I looked at an old picture of me. It was the one that sued to stand on my dresser, the one of Edward and I. Only Edward had been cut out of this photo. It was only I, and Charlie’s name and number read clearly on the bottom.
Had he taken it too far by sending out a search party with signs to look for me? Or had I taken it to far by letting a vampire bite me so I could see my stolen kid? Were we both wrong?
I continued to stare at the sign, not drawing my eyes away from it as Alice rushed form behind me.
“What’s wro-“ her eyes followed mine and looked to the poster. After a second, she spoke quietly to me. “Bella… I’m so sorry…” I continued to stare. I stood there for a few more seconds before I realized that I needed to continue on. I had chosen my new life, and I needed to live through it, no matter how hard it was.
I would get my child back. I would.
I thought back to the mountain lions I had so violently killed, and cringed. The only way to get my son back was to do that to the wolves. They would be ready for us, and they would fight to keep Ryan there at La Push. And if we weren’t strong enough-
I gasped as I saw an image of Alice and Edward and Esme and… I closed my eyes. What if they ended up just the way that mountain lion did? Lying on the ground, painfully killed, and now lifeless?
No. I couldn’t let that happen to them. Whether the Cullen’s ended up that way, or the wolves, I couldn’t let either scenario play itself out before my selfish eyes. I couldn’t let anyone more important than a mere mountain lion die, just so I could see Ryan. With that, I was only left with one option, and it didn’t seem to likely an option.
I needed to see Jacob.
but one thing is buggin me. Bella is now vampire but her baby is wolf gene. so if vampire comes near wolf gene they transform into wolf soon... so what would happen then..?
please write more..... i just love it.....:)
Then the baby would transform into a wolf :)