Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
chapter 27 is up!!!! enjoy :)
“What?” I demanded. Instantly, I rushed inside to see Jasper, an anxious grin on his face as he gave tips on crushing a wolf’s chest. I flinched as he went into detail about how much pain it caused a wolf.
“No!” I said, hearing Alice and Edward step in behind me. As soon as I said something, everyone turned to me, a confused expression on their faces.
“Bella, maybe we should talk about this first-“
I turned around to Edward, a panicked look on my face. “But they’re going to-“
“We’re not going to kill anyone.” Jasper said. I could easily identity his southern accent.
“By anyone you mean…”
“The wolves.” Edward answered. “Bella, weren’t not killing anyone. Were just going there to get Ryan back… and show them we can fight.”
My eyes widened. “But someone is going to get hurt! You can’t just jump in like that and expect to get him back peacefully. There will be slaughtering!” my head was spinning. I imagined innocent Esme, being dragged along the beach from a wolves jaw. I gasped, the horror of the image terrifying me.
At first I wondered if one of the wolves would really do that, but after I thought about their tempers and what I had seen today, it wouldn’t surprise me if they did so. I couldn’t let that happen to anyone, not even Rosalie.
It was Alice that spoke next. “That’s why Jasper came up with a good plan. It can’t fail.” She smiled. As tempting as it was, I couldn’t hear it. Once I heard it, ideas would start churning, and before I knew it, someone would be killed for me. That couldn’t happen…
Edward turned to me. “It will work, Bella.” He whispered. What if it really was a good plan…?
Without waiting for approval, Jasper stepped right in, and explained the plan to me. “When we were attacked by Victoria and her army,” Jasper started. I flinched, thinking of Emily’s death, that I had caused. We didn’t know she was coming the first, or the second time. Do you know why?” he asked.
I shook my head, trying to remember. Nobody had gone into detail, and told me what had happened the day I gave birth to Ryan. All I knew was that Victoria had attacked, Ryan had been taken, and Alice had almost died, trying to save Ryan.
A sly grin crossed Jaspers face, almost as if he were impressed with Victoria’s novel idea. “Both she, and her newborns hid in the tops of trees. It’s brilliant!” before he even finished, I was nodding my head back and forth, willing myself to forget the plan.
“It was high enough up in the trees that we didn’t smell, nor hear anything. And it is a weakness to the wolves, since they don’t expect vampires to come flying from the sky. There are tall trees at La Push… it works out perfectly!”
It did work out perfectly. In fact, almost too perfectly, but I couldn’t do it. It was too easy to mess up. One of the wolves could smell something, or hear even the smallest of ruffling. It was just too dangerous.
“It’s brilliant!” Alice said excitedly. She looked to me to see what I had to say about the plan. I knew she expected me to agree with it, but I couldn’t. She suddenly frowned.
“Oh come on Bella!” she wined. “It’s too easy! They will be so dumbfounded at our trick that they won’t even have enough time to attack us. We’ll be out of there before they can get themselves organized! They’re clumsy.”
“No… We can’t. It’s too risky. You guys keep risking your lives for me when-“
“Bella, don’t be silly. We will be fine.” Edward reassured me, walking toward me. I shook my head, unable to go through with the plan.
“Just give me one more chance.” I said to him, suddenly. At first, he was a little caught off guard. The room was dead silent. I continued to explain myself.
“Jacob got angry because you were there with me… but if you stayed away… if it were just me, then Jacob would be more willing-“
Edward was already shaking his head no. “No.” he growled. “I will not let you get near them again. Not alone.” He said.
I stared at him; shocked that he had just told me I couldn’t go to La Push.
He frowned. “Bella, it’s too dangerous. I can’t let you go…”
Still, the room was silent. I didn’t hear a bird chirp outside, or a breath taken inside. It was as if all of the world could feel the tension in this room. Anger fired within me. Whether it was from being a newborn, or just because I was really angry, but whatever it was, I was furious.
“Always over-protective.” I muttered and ran out the door, ignoring the family that was willing to risk their lives for my child. If they became angry with me, then that was good. Maybe they would finally stop risking their lives for me.
“Bella!” Edward yelled after me. I didn’t realize until I was in the forest that it was poring down rain. I didn’t care. I just continued to run away from them, I had to get away.
I could hear Edward running after me, so I just ran faster. I was a newborn, so I was able to get away from him, but not too far. I could still hear him running close behind.
I needed to run. I needed to get away from all that was my life at this moment. I just needed to forget about retrieving my baby, the scar on Alice, Jacob’s betrayal, Edward’s over-protectiveness, and so much more. There was so much of it, just sitting there, taunting me. I needed to disentangle myself from everything, just long enough for one run…
“Edward!” I heard Alice yell from a distance. She was now chasing him. “Edward! Come back, she’ll come back too!” she yelled. I ran harder and faster, using all my power to get away from everything.
Maybe I wouldn’t come back.
I wish I could make you guys happier, sorry I keep making sad chapters :(
Sooo sooo good :)
Thanks MC!!! :)