Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
I will update asap :)
Here is chapter 30. I worked hard on this one :)
I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to see how it ended. If I saw, then the last thing I would see before I died would be a wolf, leaning over me, taking my life. If I kept my eyes closed, the last thing I saw could be whatever I wanted.
It could be Ryan, laying somewhere nice and warm. It could be Jacob, and how we were before all of this had happened. It could be Edward… how sweet he smelled, how soft his voice was… how kind he was to me, even when I let him down.
I knew I would miss my child I hadn’t yet seen, and the way Jacob used to be, but there was nothing I would miss more than Edward. Though I hadn’t always been there for him, Edward had always been there for me, and I would forever owe him for that. Edward was the love of my life, and that’s the way it would always be.
I listened, prepared for the brief pain of my head snapping off and apart from my body, but all I heard was the sound of a low grunt from someone, and then the sound of a wolf yelping as the weight was throw off of me. I continued to keep my eyes closed.
What had happened? Had Jacob realized what he was doing, and stopped Leah from killing me? I heard several growls, and the sound of a large body being crushed to the ground. Was someone getting hurt?
My eyes flew open, and I stood up at once. I gasped as I saw Edward, struggling to push Leah off of him. Meanwhile, the other wolf leaped at him, snapping at Edward’s face. Immediately, I leaped towards them, ready to protect Edward with my life.
I gasped once again as I was knocked to the ground. The ground didn’t hurt me, but the body that crashed into me, had hurt. I turned around and tried to push the wolf off of me. My eyes widened in shock and hurt as I saw the wolf that was attacking me.
“Jacob…” I whispered, momentarily stopping just to stare at him. How could he? Edward was getting killed beside me, and Jacob was pulling me out of the way, not allowing me to help him? I couldn’t let that happen.
With a grunt, I pushed Jacob off of me and turned to Edward. He growled as Leah snapped at him. He pushed her out of the way and punched the other wolf square in the face. I heard a small crack as the wolf whined in pain. Jacob loudly growled at the wolf, and the wolf got right back up and continued attacking Edward, despite his broken nose.
I ran to help him, but once again, Jacob threw me to the ground. I tried to turn around and face him, but Jacob dug his claws into my head, keeping me from turning around.
I poorly attempted to lift myself off of the ground, but Jacob only scratched me more. I could hear small chalkboard-like noises as he raked his claws along the top of my back. I could feel his breath as he lifted his muzzle to my ear. A low warning growl escaped his mouth and I had it.
As quickly as I could, I threw my arm back, piercing my elbow into Jacob’s wolf face and then leaped back, throwing Jacob away from me. I could feel that my back had already healed from his claw marks. This time, I wasn’t going to let Jacob get me.
I ran, thinking only about how Edward’s life would end if I didn’t run fast enough. It could have been it my head, but I was almost sure, that just that thought alone made me run faster than any other newborn could have attempted. I threw myself at Leah, who was about to snap Edward’s head off. I didn’t care how much it hurt me, or even if she killed me. As long as I saved Edward…
My jump had made Leah fall to the ground. The force of my blow made fall right down with her. The weight of my body fell onto Leah as we collided onto the ground. I felt the breath being knocked out of her, and then several loud cracks come from her chest. As soon as I realized that I had broken some of her ribs, Jacob ran at me once again.
He aimed for my head, but I managed to get out of the way quick enough hat he didn’t get me. Instead, he landed a couple feet away from the whining Leah. He growled at her, commanding her to get back up and fight like the other wolves, but she just stayed on the ground. I must have hurt her badly…
For s split second, I pondered over the strange fact that the wolves seemed to be taking wolves from Jacob, almost as if he were their leader, but only for a second. I quickly let the thought go and turned to Edward. I turned around just in time to see him throw the other wolf across the land.
The wolf howled as he hit a tree, knocking it over to the ground. The wolf made no noises of getting back up, so I assumed Edward had hurt him enough hat he would quit trying to kill us. A small part of my brain hoped that the wolf had only been hurt, and not killed. Though they hated me, I still loved the wolves of La Push.
Without even looking at me, Edward quickly leaped behind me, aiming for something. I turned and saw him hit Jacob’s wolf form body. I was amazed at how loud a sound the impact had made. It sounded like lightening, booming throughout the world.
They both fell to the ground, but they both got up immediately too.
“Go!” Edward yelled and ran at Jacob.
“No!” I yelled as Edward stretched his arms, trying to get them around Jacob’s neck. A vampire could be put back together… a wolf could not.
Even though Jacob now hated me, and had tried to kill me, I still did not want him dead. I couldn’t bear the thought. What if one of these days he got over himself and learned to be civil with me, even as a vampire? Just knowing that that was a possibility, I could not let Jacob die. He was still himself, somewhere inside there; I just had to let him live long enough to find it.
Edward growled and reached down, squeezing tight fists around Jacob’s front leg. Jacob howled up to the sky, but did not fall. Instead, his eyes only got darker. Without using his broken leg, Jacob snapped his jaws at Edward, coming only inches away from Edward’s arm. I had to stop this.
“Stop!” I yelled, but Edward only growled and ducked away from another one of Jacob’s bites. I ran up to them, but Edward quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me away. He turned toward the forest and ran, and I followed him.
I heard Jacob chasing us once again, so I turned around. He was not very fast without one of his legs, but unfortunately it did not faze him too much. I watched as his leg bent back into shape, and Jacob got back on all fours, chasing us once again.
“Go!” Edward growled at me and ran at Jacob. Once again, I yelled for them to stop, but I only watched in horror as Jacob ran at Edward, anger deep in his eyes. Edward leaped up into the air, avoiding Jacob’s sharp teeth. Jacob quickly changed coarse and ran at me. He ran very fast, so fast that even my vampire eyes had a hard time keeping up with him.
I don’t know why, but I didn’t run. I only stood there, watching in fear as he jumped at me. Edward came from the trees and landed on Jacob’s back, and now I saw Edward’s eyes for the first time. I saw the exact same anger in Edward’s eyes as I had seen in Jacob’s. It was an uncontrollable, hungry kind of anger… one that was rarely tamed.
I screamed as I saw Edward lean down, ready to sink into the back of Jacob’s neck, which would slowly kill him. Jacob struggled, jumping back and forth, trying to toss Edward off of him. Edward only gripped Jacob’s fur tighter and bared his teeth.
I screamed once again, and leaped at Edward. Edward gasped in surprise as I knocked him off of Jacob’s back. I couldn’t let Jacob die, I just couldn’t. For a split second, I saw Edward look at me, a look of confusion in his eyes. But it was only for a split second. It was followed by a look of both understanding, and hurt.
He knew I couldn’t let Jacob die, because he knew a part of me still loved Jacob, despite how terrible he had been to me lately. I would never stop loving Jacob. He was a part of me.
I quickly sat up, and ran away from the seen. Edward followed behind me, constantly turning around to check and see if Jacob was following us again. Jacob did not chase us again; instead, I heard total silence throughout the forest. I couldn’t help but feel a since of Déjà vu as I looked around the forest. Once again, Edward and I were running away from Jacob, running into unknown forest.
Now that we were away from La Push, and the angry, broken wolves, I could have enough peace and quiet to think. I was suddenly overwhelmed with hurt that Jacob had desperately risked his life to take my life. To take Edward’s life. I would have done anything for Jacob to understand; yet he still continued to keep his ears closed to what I had to say.
“I’m sorry I followed you” Edward said to me as we ran. For the first time, I realized that Edward had followed me, even after he had admitted he was protecting me too much.
And here was the kicker; I didn’t even care.
“You saved my life…” I said, though I wasn’t sure if my life was something I wanted right now. “It doesn’t even matter.” I growled, suddenly stopping and punching a giant oak. It fell to the ground, protesting as it fell.
Jacob had denied me of seeing my own child! My son! Ryan! He was so angry that I had kept my life by changing into a vampire, that he wouldn’t even let me see my son! And now that I was a vampire, he suddenly didn’t trust me enough to let me see Ryan! As if I would try and take my baby from La Push, on my own!
I let the thought go as a cold shiver riveted through my body. I suddenly remembered something else Jacob had told me… something I had to see for myself. I turned to Edward, hurt lined my throat as I prepared to speak, but nothing came out.
“What?” he whispered. He watched me, obviously cautious. I knew he was worrying about me, as he always did.
“Stay still.” I commanded in a low voice. He did as I said, staying perfectly still. The only thing that moved was his eyes. His eyes moved around as he watched me, probably wondering what I was doing.
I slowly leaned toward him, neither one of us breathing. I stood closer and closer to him, and slowly lifted my arm toward his neck. My fingers touched the collar of his shirt and stopped. I could feel Edward stiffen as my hands moved along his shirt.
Stiff and wary as he was, he continued to let me be. I reached the end of his collar, where his neck was, and tightened my grip just the slightest. I reached my other hand up and unbuttoned the first button of his shirt. He stepped back just the slightest, watching me carefully. I continued with what I was doing.
Without unbuttoning any other buttons, I finally pulled his collar down so that I could fully see his neck. Realizing what I was doing, he pulled away quickly, buttoning his shirt back. But it was too late, I had already seen.
I gasped in horror as I had seen a small, thin dark line wrapped around his neck. It was true… Jacob had killed Edward… Jacob had beheaded Edward!
Edward turned away uncomfortably, his eyes closed. He did not look at me, as seeing me would probably ruin his pride.
“Edward…” I cried softly, quietly from my heart. I had never felt so… so… helpless. Edward was having a terrible moment, terrified of me knowing the truth. It must have hurt him so much for Jacob to rip his head off! And while Jacob had painfully beheaded Edward, I had been somewhere else, having Jacob’s baby! It wasn’t until this very moment that I truly realized ho much pain I had caused Edward.
I put my hand up to my mouth, breathing a little heavier now. I almost wanted tears to fall down now. I deserved pain, pain worse than any pain anyone else would ever have to experience. How could I have let this happen? I deserved to have my head ripped off one thousand times!
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, very quietly, as if the wind would hear, and know of our secrets.
“It doesn’t matter.” Edward said, shaking his head. He still stayed turned away from me, not wanting me to meet his eyes. I couldn’t let him stand there alone, cold as he remembered being killed. But then again, I couldn’t go up and hug him, simply because I was not worthy of being in his presence, let alone getting to touch him.
“Edward…” I sobbed again. I let this happen! I let Jacob take me to bed, just because I was a stupid, hormonal, bored teenager who was ungrateful with having the most perfect guy in the world, and because of it, an angel had been beheaded! This was my entire fault!
“I’m sorry…” Edward whispered, fists fighting. I watched him in horror, wanting so badly to run up and hold him… I just wanted so badly to feel him, but I couldn’t. Edward no longer loved me, and would never forgive me for what I had done. He was not mine anymore, and he never would be.
Sad as I was, I still did not let the thought go. How could Jacob have done this? Jacob had no reason! If Jacob was mad at me for all of the mess I had caused, then he should have come to my house and pulled off my head! Edward had never done anything to Jacob, so why did Jacob have to make him the target.
I breathed in gasps, holding my stomach as I expected to pass out, though I didn’t. Edward had to suffer for what I did.
Edward suddenly turned around to see my misery.
‘Come on.” He mumbled, holding my arm. “Let’s get you home.”
I just stared at the ground as we ran home, not touching. I didn’t even focus on where I was going. He could have led me back to la Push, for I wouldn’t have noticed.
We arrived quickly back the house and walked up the porch. I thanklessly drifted into the house and into the main room, following Edward. There, everyone stood or stand, all waiting to hear the verdict.
“Well?” Alice asked, angry that she could not see what had happened as she usually could.
Edward opened his mouth to tell her what had happened, but instead, I spoke quicker, wanting her to hear what I had to say first.
“Explain your whole plan to me Jasper,” I said looking at the scar on my arm, the scar that Jacob had given me as a human, the day he had blamed me for losing Ryan. Gulping, I finally looked up to the family and turned to Alice, to answer her question. “I’m ready to kill Jacob.” I proudly and boldly announced.
From the corner of my eye, I could see Edward’s shocked and confused face, but I did not turn to him. As I heard a loud hoot from the excited Emmett, I continued to stare at Jasper, ready to fully hear his plan.
I was going to get Ryan back, and I would tear down every wolf in La Push if I had to, no matter whom.
OMG i m completely speechless.. this is the best chapter among all.... i wish edward get bella again & i think it will happen.....
its really amazing.....!! <3
Wow, that means a lot :O
Thanks you so much! Truly! :)