Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Hope you like it :)))
“Bella,” Edward said immediately, despite Alice, who was smiling excitedly. She could tell that I was ready to smash La Push. “You don’t mean that. You’re only angry because-“
I turned to him. “You’re wrong.” I argued. “I’m ready to kill Jacob, and I mean it.” I was suddenly disappointed that I hadn’t let Edward go ahead and bite Jacob, that way; we could have gotten him over with. The fewer wolves there were, the easier it would be to take them down.
“You’re only saying that because you’re a newborn.” He reasoned.
I just stared at him. It had nothing to do with the fact that I was a newborn, and he knew it. He knew that it was because of what I had seen on his neck. I would never be able to forgive Jacob for killing Edward, when it was me that should have been hurt.
“You know that’s not true.” I said, watching him. His eyes grew dark as he took in what I said. Alice shifted uncomfortably, aware of the tension between us. Edward and I had not yet truly made up, and talked about everything yet, and honestly, I was hoping we would never have to.
Edward simply just watched me rather than say anything. Though he said nothing to me, I felt as if he were speaking to me. The concerned look I saw on his face meant that he was begging me to think this through before I went through with it. I would not think about it, I just wanted to get it over with so I could have Ryan.
“Very well.” Carlisle said, sensing that Edward would say nothing else to me. I turned to Jasper, though I still felt Edward’s eyes burning on me. I would have to ignore him. I knew what I was doing. I was so furious with Jacob, is secretly hoped that I would be the one to rip his head off, in revenge for doing it to Edward.
Jasper began giving orders to the other, explaining positions and timing, battle moves and tips for looking out. I walked over to stand near him, trying to avoid Edward, but he only followed me. He stood near me, hovering around as I carefully listened to Jaspers plans.
He ordered them to hunt, following last in line out the front door. He turned around to me. “You hunted just yesterday.” He said to me. I suddenly realized that my second day of being a vampire was already coming to an end. It was funny not sleeping. Jasper continued. “Though you may still need to hunt, since you’re a newborn.”
A pang of fear balled in my stomach as I suddenly realized we were preparing to leave very soon. I ignored it, knowing that it was only some leftover feeling from when I was human. I wasn’t really nervous… I was only being silly.
“Yeah I’m coming.” I said, but as I stepped onto the front porch, a hand touched my shoulder, making me turn around. I knew before I even turned that it was Edward.
“Can we talk?” he asked smoothly. His voice still made me slightly dizzy. I made a mental note that I would have to work on getting rid of that feeling. It was of no use anymore. At this point, it would only hurt me more and more every time.
I took a deep breath and looked at Jasper. “I’ll be out there in a minute.” I said to him. He simply nodded and ran off into the woods. I was suddenly really awkward as I turned back around to Edward. I knew he would want to have a serious talk, and for some reason, the huge empty house made it annoying awkward.
He reached over and closed the door then turned to me. I suddenly swallowed. Edward and I had not had a serious talk since I broke off our engagement. I thought. Please, please let it be about something else. Just let it be about vampires and red eyes… but I knew that would not e what he wanted to talk about. I suddenly longed for Jasper to come back so that this moment would have to wait.
“Bella, have you honestly considered-“
“Yes.” I said quickly, and turned toward the front door again, ready to open it. I would not let this be a long conversation.
He watched me. “You haven’t.” he argued.
“Yes, I have.” I stared at him with a confident glare, trying to convince him so he would leave me alone. I had to let him no that I was strong. “Besides, I don’t need looking after. I know what I want.” I turned the handle on the door, ready to leave.
He leaned over me, pressing his hand to the door. “Don’t let this be about me.” He said, eyeing me carefully. I looked to the ground, avoiding his gaze.
“I’m not.” I lied.
He shook his head. “You’re no good at lying, even as a vampire, Bella.” He said. I looked into his dark eyes, searching for something to change the subject.
“You need to hunt. We should go.” I said, turning around back to the door.
“It doesn’t even make a difference. I’m alive now aren’t I?” he asked.
‘Why are you trying to keep Jacob alive? You don’t even like him.” I turned back around to him, angry that I could not leave.
‘But you do.” He said back quickly.
‘I don’t!” I said, “I hate Jacob, and I always have.” I regretted the words as soon as they slipped from my stupid mouth.
Without saying anything, he just stared at me. His words were not necessary, for we were both remembering the fact that I had slept with Jacob. I had not always hated Jacob, but I did now.
“Okay, so I used to have feelings for him, but they were nothing. And they don’t even exist anymore.” I said.
“Bella, you threw yourself at me, to keep from letting Jacob die. I know you still have feelings for him.”
I stared him cold in the eyes. I did not still have feelings for Jacob, and never again would I.
“Bella, you don’t have to hide it. I understand, with Ryan and everything-“
“Do not involve Ryan in this!” I growled. “I have no feelings for Jacob, and that’s final!” I said. I pulled the door open, ignoring him when he said my name.
I ran out into the woods, but I did not hunt. Instead, I ran until I found the river I had seen the night before when it had been raining. The sun was already going down yet the fish were lively swimming around in the water. As they had done before the fish scattered away once they realized I was there. Angrily, I threw a rock into the river, mad with the fish.
“I can’t help what I am.” I growled at them, though they were already gone. I had not hurt any of the fish.
I sat there for a few minutes, watching as the sun turned beautiful colors. It was amazing seeing them change with clear eyes that could see every little dust of cloud so nicely.
I heard Edward approaching behind me. He did not try to hide the fact that he was coming; as I heard his feet smash grass and press into the ground. It had not rained in hours, so luckily the ground was dry for now.
He sat down beside me and together we watched the sun go down. I was amazed at the colors of the sky, but I couldn’t keep my focus on it. Every time I began to think of the colors, my mind drifted to going to La push later. I just couldn’t keep it off of my mind.
“Jacob does not have to die.” He said, not bringing up the fact that he thought I still had feelings for Jacob. I was glad, I didn’t want to have to try and convince Edward again, it probably would not work.
I pulled my eyebrows together in anger. “I want Jacob dead.” I said coldly, but kept myself away from picturing his dead body. Jacob meant nothing to me anymore…
“You wouldn’t hurt him.” He said, watching the sunset. I looked at him, appalled.
“Watch me.” I said to him, hoping he would get angry and leave. The more he hung around me, the harder it was to stop wanting him.
He chuckled, making me even angrier. I wanted to hit him! “How can you not want to kill Jacob after…” I didn’t finish the sentence.
He looked down to the ground now, a debating look on his face. “I cannot say I don’t hate him…” he said, his fingers curling together. He quickly let them go, controlling his anger.
“Then why do you keep trying to get me to spare his life?” I asked, ignoring the burn in my throat. All day I had been able to subside it, but within the last half hour, it had begun to get a little more noticeable. Soon, I would not be able to think about anything but it.
Edward looked up to me, and couldn’t help but admire the small glint of sparkles that reflected off of his perfect skin. “Because though you do not want to be with him, you do not want him dead.” He said.
I did not argue. I could keep fighting with him, or just let it go. He knew me, and he could tell when I lied anyway, so there was no point in arguing anymore. Why did he have to be so smart?
I stared at the ground, shaking my head. I let my face fall into my hand, shamed that I knew Edward was right. I could pretend I wanted Jacob dead all day, but I couldn’t kill him. Even after he had killed Edward, I was still angry with him, but I didn’t have the nerve to kill him.
“Bella…” he said.
“Why can’t you just kill him then?” I asked, knowing I couldn’t.
He chuckled. “I already tried.” He said. Why did I have to stop him from killing Jacob? I was so stupid! I wouldn’t have to worry anymore! I could be happy!
I let my hand out of my face, and reached for his collar again. He backed away instantly, so I looked him in the eyes. “Please?” I whispered, a pleading look on my face. He hesitated, but did not stop me.
I reached over and pulled his collar out of the way as I had done before. Edward looked to the ground, a pained look on his face as I looked at the line on his neck. I let his shirt go and stared deep into his beautiful eyes. He watched me too, saying nothing.
“Edward, I want to see my child…” I sobbed, feeling useless that he was the only one I had to complain to at the moment.
He looked even more pained. “And you will see him.” Edward said certainly. He suddenly leaned his head beside mine. Our lips were only inches away, so close. The feeling in my stomach grew worse than I had had in a long time. It had been so long since Edward and I had been so near each other… so comfortable…
He suddenly paused, hesitated, and then stood up. He held his hand out to mine, watching me carefully. “You need to hunt.” He said to me. Hiding my disappointment, I took his hand and stood up. Together, we mad our way into the forest.
Once I got far enough away from him, I fell onto the ground and put my face in my hands once again. How could I have been so dumb? I could never have Edward! I had messed things up by sleeping with Jacob and now…
Now it was obvious that Edward would never be able to forgive me…