Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Chapter 32 will be below. Hope you like it :)
I hunted, though I had a hard time keeping my mind on finding my prey. Just minutes before I had snuck up on a deer, let my mind drift off to Ryan, and then thanklessly stepped on a tree limb. It had snapped loudly, making the deer run. I was so distracted, that I didn’t even put forth the effort to chase it. I had already hunted a few small animals, so I figured I would be okay.
Stressed, I sat down on the ground as I had done earlier. Why had I been so stupid? I was suddenly overwhelmed with humiliation that I had thought for a second Edward would want me back. What reason would Edward have for forgiving me? I had cheated on him, and now I was dragging his family into disaster. I was almost sure that I was the cruelest thing walking the earth at this moment.
I sat there for a few minutes, burning in a whole of embarrassment when I suddenly heard a small noise from a distance. I assumed it was an animal and let the thought go.
On top of it all, Ryan was going to have to grow up one day with either his father, or mother tell him “I have you because we were stronger…” It was terrifying to me that this battle would be the thing to determine who got Ryan. What if our plan worked, and we got Ryan? We would have to kill the wolves, other wise we would always have to be looking over our back.
A haunting thought hit me; if we got Ryan, I would be constantly putting the Cullen’s in danger. If we did not get Ryan, then we would probably be killed anyway. I shivered. What was the point? Wouldn’t it be easier to just give up and let Jacob win?
My head flew up as I heard the same noise, this time even closer. I shot up to my feet and ran away from the direction the noise was coming from. Even if it were an animal, it would be best to run, just in case.
What if it was one of the wolves? What if they some how knew we were going to attack, and decided to attack us first? I froze where I was a turned to the noise. Was everyone fighting right now? Was someone getting hurt?
I listened, but realized I was just being silly. If it were the wolves, I would hear growling and clawing at this moment. There was none, so that couldn’t be it. Which meant it had to be something else.
Victoria. The horrifying thought alerted me as I remembered an earlier conversation with Alice. She had told me that though they killed all of the newborns, Victoria had run away to save her own life, leaving the newborns behind. Victoria was still out there, and she was after me.
I settled down just the slightest as an idea hit me. Everyone was suffering and battle because of me anyway, wouldn’t it be best if I just let Victoria get me? She would obviously beat me in a battle anyway, so what was the point.
I closed my eyes and stood perfectly still, waiting. I listened closely and heard footsteps, from a single person. They came closer and closer. They had to be less than a mile from me now. Why was she walking?
I took a deep breath and thought about how much peace there would be once I was gone. The treaty might come back to order, if I was no longer an issue. And there would obviously be no battles, since I’m the only reason we were fighting anyway. I just prayed that nobody would try and put my body back together. If they did, everything would start all over again.
Victoria, please burn my body. Leave no problems for anyone… I kept my eyes closed. Victoria was here now; I heard her walking just feet from me. I stayed frozen, my eyes closed. She came from behind me, slowly.
My eyes flew open, as I smelt a familiar scent. It was not Victoria.
My head flipped around. “Edward?” I asked. What was he doing here?
He only walked closer, saying nothing to me. I was suddenly scared. Was he here to kill me like I thought Victoria would? Maybe he suddenly realized that things would be easier without me. I suddenly wished it were Victoria, for the pain she would cause me would be so much less than the pain of knowing Edward was killing me.
He walked closer, still staying nothing, and put his hand on the side of my head. Silently, he leaned in and pressed his cool lips to mine, fitting perfectly like a puzzle. This had to be a dream.
After a few long moments, he slowly let his lips tear from mine. “I shouldn’t have let you go.” He whispered to me, and then pressed his lips back to mine once again. It was no ordinary kiss. We had kissed many times before, but never like this. He did not hold back, or try to be careful. He kissed me with a hunger, a need that had not been fulfilled for a very long time.
How had I thought he would kill me? Why was he kissing me? Didn’t he hate me more than anything else on the world? After what I had done to him…
I suddenly felt selfish as he kissed me so madly. I did not deserve to be alive, yet Edward gave me a second life. I did not deserve his family to fight for my child, yet they did. I did not deserve such a perfect man, yet here we were.
Without letting go, he placed his other hand on my hand, and pulled me closer. I felt our bodies press together as our lips danced. Though it was not possible, I felt as if I were growing dizzy. My eyes were closed, yet I felt like I could see us, two people, standing together in the middle of the forest kissing.
How I had missed kissing him! Though we had kissed many times, it had never been like this before. I felt as if my insides were burst into loud happiness right here on the spot. I almost wanted to check to make sure I was still in one piece.
Finally he let go. We did not need air, yet we were both breathing heavily. I felt like I was going to fall over. I could die now, curled up in a warm blanket of this selfish moment… I would die happy.
Another set of footsteps sounded in the distance. Who ever it was, I did not care. I wanted to dance now, just dance around like an insane person. A small part of my brain constantly reminded me of how I was a terrible person, simply because I kept getting everything I wanted, but the majority of my brain was clouded by thick winds of coziness and love.
I suddenly realized that I had rapped my arms around Edward’s back. I struggled, trying to keep a smile off of my face. Edward leaned his head against mine as Jasper came into view. I hardly noticed. Edward’s sweat breath so near to my face was making my insides twist.
“We’re taking off.” Jasper yelled from about ten feet away. Edward simply nodded and Jasper was off, racing towards the others. A sickening feeling suddenly hit my stomach. I stiffened as I thought of wolves and vampires angrily battling each other. I remembered Leah, and the other wolf that had been thrown about, and almost killed. Who else would be hurt like that? Who else would…?
No. Nobody would die… that couldn’t happen!
“Stay here.” Edward whispered to me. My eyes widened with what he had said.
“What?” I demanded. I did not say it angrily, but I sensed that Edward had taken it that way.
His hands dropped from my face and he stared into my eyes. I wanted to melt.
“I’m going.” I said to him, with no doubt. What kind of coward would I be if I left everyone to fight one their own while I stayed at home, useless?
“Please stay.” He pleaded, watching me with begging eyes. I almost wanted to say yes, just because his eyes were so precious, but this was not something I could stay out of. I had started this mess; I was going to help end it as well.
I shook my head, unwilling to compromise with his request. The only way I would stay is if everyone stayed, ultimately ending any chance of battle.
I watched Edward, shaking my head. “I’m going.” I repeated. He closed his eyes and sighed.
“Edward, I have to go. For Ryan.” I said. He opened his eyes once again and searched mine. After a few moments, he nodded. Without saying a word, he grabbed my hand, and we were off.
Today, Ryan would be mine.
Delilah- Wow! You totally just described it! The way I have Edward thinking in this story, that's it right there! He's finally realized that he cannot stay away from Bella, forever.
Ha ha, I'm writing as fast as my fingers will allow, I'm busy lately though, so as soon as I can, I will update! :)
Score!!! That's so cool. Well it is true though and I knew that when I began reading. He also knew that Bella still loved him and he had to contend with that as well. I'm so happy I nailed his thoughts in thi story.