Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Seriously Molly, that is an awesome banner !!!!!!
Chapter One- Hope you like it!!!
1 Month Earlier…
“Sam’s not going to be happy that we’re out so late…” I said nervously, looking around to see if anyone was around. After growing up with him, I had learned one thing; he had a temper.
Beth had told me that her father knew the “Old Sam.” Apparently, he hadn’t always been the way he was. Beth’s father, named Seth, had said that Sam used to be gentle, and loving, until he lost his true love named Emily.
I had always asked Seth why Sam just didn’t find anyone else, but he always said that it was “complicated.” And left it alone. I personally liked Beth’s father better. Seth was cool, and he didn’t have a temper. Of course I never knew my true father, but Sam was the closest thing I had to a father, and he was always angry.
“Quit worrying.” Beth laughed as we quietly ventured through the trees.
“Seriously Beth, Sam is going to kill me.” I said, looking back again.
She turned around and watched me carefully. We sat there for a few seconds just staring. She was so beautiful.
“Boo!” she yelled, with wide eyes. I yelped and jumped back, then covered my mouth.
She laughed, making me angry.
“That’s not funny! They’ll know we’re out here now!” I complained, debating whether or not to stay with Beth and risk getting in trouble, or whether to ditch her. I really didn’t want to leave but…
“Come on, we’re almost there.” She said, ignoring me.
“Beth, we’re going to get in-“
“Do you ever stop worrying?” she asked me suddenly.
“You wouldn’t stop worrying if you had to be home with Sam all day.” I grunted. For once, she said nothing.
“We should seriously go back-“
“Five more minutes?’ Beth asked me, a pleading smile on my face. I was about to say no, until I really saw her smile. I wanted to melt just looking at how perfect her smile was. That was my favorite thing about her, her beautiful smile. I could never resist it.
“Fine.” she giggled that I caved. “But only five minutes.” I said, pointing at her seriously.
“Okay!” she smiled and took my hand. We ran until we were in front of Seth’s shed. I had been in there before, all he had I there was tools, motorcycles pieces, and for some strange reason, a bunch of pairs of pants.
“oh no, not your dad’s creepy shed.” I said.
She turned around and smiled again. ‘Oh come on, you too scared?’ she asked me.
“No!” I said immediately, and just to prove to her I wasn’t, I went straight to the doors and opened them up. I hesitated a second, looking inside. It was pitch black…
“Well?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and ran in, quickly feeling around for the light. I slapped my hand around the walls, searching. Where was the light? Finally, I found it and hit it as fast as my hand would go.
She stood outside, her arms crossed. She snorted and burst in laughter.
‘You’re a sad, sad boy.” She laughed.
“Whatever.” I mumbled, suddenly embarrassed.
“Oh come on Ryan! Lighten up.” She made her way in and went to the very center. I now noticed there was a sheet, covering a car.
“Your dad get a new car?” I asked.
“No.” she answered, suddenly quiet.
‘What’s wrong?” I asked her.
She sighed. “When uh… when your dad left, my dad took his car.” She said.
I flinched as she said “Your dad.” But tried to hide how much it made me sad. I knew he had been close friends with Seth, I had just never known he had his car. I was suddenly glad. Had Sam taken the car, he probably would have traded it in. Sam hated reminders of my father.
She looked at me now. “I talked to Seth and… we want you to have it.” She pulled the sheet from the car to reveal a VW Rabbit. I was struck immediately.
“Beth…” was all I said. It was all I could say.
“I know it’s a lot for just a birthday, but we wanted you to have it…” she said. I still said nothing. I was in pure shock.
‘If you don’t want it…” she began
‘No! I mean, yes, of course I wanted it. I just…”
She smiled. “Really?’
“Yes, it’s wonderful… I just can’t believe…”
‘Yeah.” She said. We sat in silence as I admired the car for a few minutes. It was wonderful! And… and my father had once drove this car. It was the most precious thing to me! Besides Beth of course…
“Seth and I tried to fix it, but I don’t know anything about cars. He tried to do what he could; there are still a few things wrong with it, but nothing to major… Oh and the back window has a problem-“
Before she finished I pressed my lips to hers for the first time. I didn’t even ask her or warn her, I just did it. I couldn’t help myself. She was so beautiful and wonderful… I wanted her forever.
After a brief, yet wonderful kiss, we pulled away, gasping for air. I felt her smile as she breathed heavily.
“Thank you Beth… for everything.” I said.
She smiled at me, the same smile I adored.
“Happy birthday.” She giggled.
“It’s not my birthday yet. I’m sixteen tomorrow, remember?’ I said.
“Well…” she said, pulling out her phone. “According to my watch, it’s technically already your birthday.” She smiled, showing me her phone. It read 12:07.
“Oh crap, I need to get home... I…” I turned to Beth. She raised an eyebrow, challenging me.
I pulled her lips back to mine one more time, then smiled. “I’ll come back tomorrow. Thanks Beth. You’re the best ever!” I admired her.
She sighed. ‘Fine. Go home, coward.” She smiled.
Rather than getting angry, I just laughed at her comment. How could I get angry? It was my birthday, I had an amazing car that used to be my fathers, and, the girl of my dreams was mine. This was already the best day of my life, and it had only been today for seven minutes.
“Good bye Beth. See you tomorrow!” I smiled and rushed out of the shed.
“Good bye, Ryan.” She whispered from inside the shed after I had taken off. I froze for a second. Had I imagined her saying that? I turned around, but the light in the shed was still on.
How had I heard her from all the way out here? I ignored the thought and rushed home. The whole way, I ran as fast as I could. I needed to get home because Sam might kill me, but also because I was inspired.
I was having such a wonderful day that I had more power, more speed. I ran faster than I had ever run. Once I got home, I stopped abruptly and crawled in through my window, trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t get caught.
I thought about how fast I had gone, and was suddenly proud. I had run so fast! I’ve never gotten home so quickly before! I thought, amazed.
Probably just from kissing Beth. I thought and smirked. I had kissed Beth.
Had I not been quietly trying to sneak into my own house, and would have yelled with happiness. Once I got in, I crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling.
“Did you see that, dad?” I asked quietly, wondering if he could really hear me. “She’s mine.” I smiled happily. The most wonderful girl in the world was mine. I smiled as I closed my eyes to sleep.
Nothing could ruin this day.
I love how you are bringing in the wolves with Ryan. we never really got this from the books with Jacob. I love how this is coming along. I finally get to see how they slowly become one. I loved the chapter. I still have to go and read Molly's chapters or she's going to kill me, lol. Can't wait for another chappie from you.
I'm just good that way is all, LOL. If you are anything like me then the ideas never...ever...stop, lol. I knew this new story would be great.
Actually lately I've found it hard to come up with ideas... I think I might take a break after Secretive... I don't know