Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
zing! Chapter four!! :))
I lay on my bed in my small room, thinking back to what a day I had, what a birthday I had. It was not the best of my days, but I figured it could have been worse, so I was okay with it.
Beth and I had agreed to meet up tonight, but all I could think back on was everything I had learned. What it meant to imprint, How to shift back to a human, and most of all, where I had come from. My fists curled in anger as I remember the story daisy had told me, a story that I should have known long ago.
Sam had told me that my mother died giving birth to me, and my father in a house collapse, but I had known so little on the details. I thought back to our conversation, when I had learned the truth.
Your mother was in love with one of those bloodsuckers, as stupid as that sounds. Then she fell in love with your father, Jacob. She got together with Jacob, leading him on to think that they would be together, but then ditched him to be with the bloodsucker again. Only problem was, she got pregnant.
I had been hurt when I found out what my mother had done, and how I had probably been such an inconvenience to her. I had also been angry at what she had done to my father though. My father had probably been so hurt…
She told your father that she was pregnant, and he was a good enough guy that he was going to stay with her, but then… the bloodsucker got to her.
She lied to him, and told him that the baby didn’t make it. He got so angry with her, he shifted and scarred her arm, but he didn’t mean it. It turned out that the baby really was okay, but she didn’t tell him. She let Jacob suffer, thinking his baby was dead.
When she gave birth, Jacob found out, but had to stay back to help La Push with some other leaches. But her stupid bloodsucking boyfriend had to intervene. After she gave birth to you, he changed her to a monster, as if nothing else mattered.
In that moment, I was furious. I couldn’t believe what I had heard from Daisy, she had to be lying, though I knew she wasn’t. My mother- whoever she was- was evil, just pure evil, and I wanted her dead.
Luckily, others were able to come and get you. La Push and the other bloodsuckers, known as the Cullen’s battled for a while after that, but it all ended one day when the Cullen’s tried to attack. A fight broke out in Jacob’s house between Jacob, your mother, and her boy friend, while you were in the house. The boyfriend messed up the house to the point that it collapsed.
Your mother and her boyfriend ran out in time to save themselves, but they left you and your father in the falling house. Jacob would have had the strength to get out, if not for that bloodsucking boyfriend. He crushed Jacob’s ribs before exiting the house.
I almost threw up.
So he used the last of his energy, and life, to protect your crib from the crash. It killed him, but you came out perfectly okay. Bella, your mother, acted sad, and put on this show, but everyone said it was extremely fake. Anyway, after that, they stopped fighting for you, those weak leaches. Sam and a couple others reestablished the treaty, and they’ve left alone since.
After hearing the story of what really happened, I wanted to track down these Cullen’s and kill them at the very moment. It didn’t matter that it was my birthday, or that I was hungry, or even if there was a treaty… I wanted to kill them.
Daisy told me to control myself. She said one day we would get our chance, but not today. I had listened to her words believed her. One day they would eventually do something to provoke us, and we would have our excuse to attack. And then… we could kill them.
I smiled at the thought of ripping this “Bella” girls head off, and her dumb boyfriend. Sure, she was my mother, but after what she had done to my father, I wasn’t certain she was worthy of being considered a mother.
I sighed and closed my eyes to go to sleep. My thoughts became calmer, thinking about more peaceful things like imprinting. How interesting it was. I couldn’t but wonder if I would imprint on-
“Beth!” I jumped up out of bed quickly as someone hit my window with a rock. I went to my window and opened it to find Beth, waiting outside, soaking wet. She was so beautiful…
“What’s going on? We planned a party for you, but you never came… Where were you all day?” she asked, acting as if the rain didn’t even bother her.
“Umm…” Sam’s words rang in my head, threatening me. You can’t tell, show, or even hint around that you are a wolf to anyone else. I briefly wondered, if I was able to keep my thoughts away from them… they would never know I told Beth.
I shook my head. That was useless, if I tried to keep something away from them, I’d think it immediately. Hmm… if I told her, what could they do? It’s not like they were the FBI or anything…
“Well?” she asked, growing impatient.
“Ryan!” Both Beth and I flipped our heads around to my closed door. I could hear Sam coming through the hallway.
I held a finger up. “One minute.” I whispered and slowly shut my window. I jumped back in bed and lay down casually, hoping he hadn’t heard Beth and I talking.
Sam opened the door slowly, then came in. “How are you?” he asked, his voice was deep and stern as it always was. It was eleven at night, yet he still hadn’t wished me a happy birthday. I didn’t care to me anyway we were never that close.
He sighed and sat on the end of my bead.
“Good.” I said, not wanting to start a big conversation. Beth was wet outside, and would probably going to start shivering soon. I wouldn’t be able to go out with her tonight, but I would tomorrow night, and I would tell her everything.
“Look, I don’t know what you’re doing with Beth, and I don’t want to know, but whatever it is, it has to stop.” He crossed his arms and looked me in the eye, showing that he was not backing down.
“What?” I demanded. Did he know that we were sneaking out every night? Did he not like Beth, or her father Seth, or something?
“I ‘m not going to sit here and argue with you- I’m just telling you- it ends now.” He said sternly.
Did he know she was outside now? I looked down uncomfortably. I didn’t dare look at the window, incase she was noticeable.
“Why?” I demanded, looking back at him again. Could Beth hear our conversation, or was the rain too loud? I hoped she couldn’t hear, Sam’s words would hurt her.
“You know why Ryan. You’re dangerous now, you might hurt her, exposing our secret. And unless she shifts too, we can’t trust her, and the likeliness of her shifting is slim anyway, so you need to leave that girl alone.” He stood up and turned to leave the room as if that were the end of the conversation.
“And if I don’t?” I stood up and growled at him.
He turned around, anger clear on his face. Normally, I would have backed down, but now that I was a wolf, and a soon to be alpha with that, I would not back down. I was going to be braver, stronger, and above all, I didn’t want to be afraid of Sam anymore.
He glared back at me, his hands balling into tight fists. I was ready to fight, if that’s how we would settle this.
“I’m not going to argue with you Ryan- I’m telling you that you are not going to see that girl again.”
“I’m not going to just stop seeing her! Maybe if you’d give love a chance again you’d understand-”
That was all it took to make the veins in his neck look seconds away from bursting. I knew in that’s second, the reminder of Emily’s death, had triggered Sam’s “button”... I was toast.
He growled at me, his eyes filled with anger. He pushed me to the floor, anger filling his face.
“You will not talk to me like that again! You’re fathers dead, which makes me your father, so you will listen to me and do as I say. Is that clear?” he yelled. I knew Beth had heard this time; in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if several of our neighbors had heard him.
“Crystal.” I muttered through my teeth. He stared at me for a second before leaving the room slamming my door shut. I got up and opened my window. Beth’s eyes were wide with fear. I knew she had heard.
“Just go away Beth.” I growled and shut the window, ignoring her when she tried to speak to me. I closed the window and then the certain and crawled into bed, throwing the covers over my face.
Yep… Best birthday ever.
super good!!! i loved it ! poor beth!! i wonder who her imprint is ... thts the only reason y she couldn't see him?