Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
LOL Thanks for that, Made me laugh :)
More will be said. Don't worry :)
he should of said something else to Bella lol
Don't worry, they'll eventually get everything out :)
New Reader here. Finally all caught up with the story line. I will try to patiently wait for an update.
Thanks! I'm trying to update within the next 30 hours. I'm working on my other story right down, but I promise I'll update soon. :)
Chapter 16- enjoy :))))
I hurried back out to the clearing where all the wolves were before I left to talk with her. I made my way there, but smelt no fresh scents near. No one was at the clearing. Where had they gone?
I followed the scents, still in human form. I followed a trail that had Cody, Daisy, Brandon, and Rahul’s scent. Where was Brett? I was suddenly frustrated, not only because I couldn’t find them, but also because of the fact that they weren’t together.
And for goodness sakes, what was Brett up to lately?
I walked more and more when suddenly; I froze as I realized where their scents lead.
Dang it! I thought stubbornly and made my way to where the wolves were eating food off of the porch. Upon my arrival, they froze. Brett was the only one who wasn’t eating the leech’s food. He sat by himself a couple feet away, thinking nothing but about the trees and birds.
I rolled my eyes and stared at the pack.
And why are we eating the bloodsucker’s food? I growled.
We haven’t much a choice. Daisy said back, not afraid. I’m not eating road kill, and nobody else wants to either.
Fine. I growled. They could it, but I wasn’t touching the leech food.
You have to eat eventually. Rahul said, chomping down the last sandwich. Cody realized that there were no more sandwiches and suddenly growled at Rahul, lifting a paw with his claws out. Rahul growled back but did not get ready to fight.
Enough. I commanded.
What was that? Brandon wondered, suddenly looking around.
I rolled my eyes. Brandon was not going to distract me from the fact that they just ate that food.
No, seriously. Brandon said, looking around. And then, suddenly, I heard it too. I coked my head to the side, confused. It was a voice… a familiar one, but not one I could pin point out…
Aaron! Cody suddenly stood up and began running.
Cody! I yelled. Stay here, let him come to us. He’ll find his way.
What’s going on? Aaron’s stressed voice suddenly whimpered. I could see La Push’s trees from Aaron’s head, confusion in his brain.
It’s all right Aaron. You’re a wolf now. I said, remembering Aaron. He had always been a loud one back in school, someone I expected to quickly change to a wolf.
For a minute, Aaron froze, unable to take this information and it make since.
Aaron. Cody said. Cody and Aaron had always been good friends at the school. It’s okay man, just follow our scent and we’ll help you. He said.
And with that Aaron was off. I could see the trees from Aaron’s head, and he was already going fast. All he could suddenly think about was how cool it was to be in his new body, and go this fast.
He’s taking this very well. Daisy commented, honestly surprised.
I could hear the excitement from Cody. He had always been good friends with Aaron, but had to stop after becoming a wolf. Every one of us noticed how Cody was suddenly anxious.
Calm down. I said. When he gets here, and need you to train him and show him the ways. I’ll be right back. Rahul, take charge. Make sure they don’t get into anything. I said and then shifted. I heard a snicker from Brett, but was unable to hear what thoughts he had currently. I ran and got some pants on before walking back to the Cullen’s front porch.
I sighed and knocked on the door. Alice opened it immediately, but did not smile this time.
“You don’t have to knock, just come in when you like.” She said, and rushed back upstairs. I could hear a conversation upstairs, and it didn’t sound like a pleasant one.
“There won’t be enough, it’s suicide.” I heard the blond shoot at someone.
“There’s still a chance…” I heard Carlisle say, but he didn’t sound very confident in what he said.
“No, there won’t and you know it!” The blond growled. Even with the wolves we outnumbered by many. We’ll be slaughtered. Have you even considered-“
“Wait.” Edward interrupted her. He suddenly shot down the stairs to me. It was kind of freaky.
“Is it true?” Edward asked. I just stared at him. He was silent for a second as if he was listening to something, and then looked up to me. “Another member is coming? Are there more?” he asked.
“I thought you couldn’t read my thoughts.” I growled at him.
“I can’t.” he said simply. “I can hear them, though.” He said, gesturing toward where the wolves were outside.
“Yeah.” I mumbled. “Someone just shifted, and more will within the next couple of days. The more bloodsuckers there are, the more of us.” I said proudly, hoping to slightly intimidate him.
He just nodded, to my disappointment. He was deep in thought for a minute before mumbling. ‘We might have a chance…” he looked up to me. “How many will shift?” he asked
I shrugged. “How many leech’s are coming?” I asked coldly.
“Many.” He said, caution in his eyes.
I shrugged. “Than many.” I answered him. There was suddenly a howl form outside. I turned around, about to go back out when Edward spoke.
“Another shifted.” He said simply. “Someone named Daniel. Aaron is almost here.” He said.
It was still really strange that he was reading my pack’s thoughts. I guess I’d just have to get used to that. I became curious though; why was it that he could hear the packs thoughts, but he couldn’t hear mine? I remembered him saying that there were other exceptions… who else couldn’t he hear?
“Why can’t you hear me?” I suddenly asked.
He thoughts. “I’ve no idea.” He said, and then gestured with his head to the stairs. “But you’re not the only one.”
I realized then that my mother was at the top of the stairs, watching down. When I looked at her, her eyes shot to the ground, avoiding my gaze. I then got what Edward was saying. He couldn’t hear her thoughts either.
“Why?” I asked him. He simply shrugged; obviously unaware as to why he couldn’t hear our thoughts.
I suddenly remembered the other day, and what had happened. Right as I had thought about not wanting the pack to hear my thoughts, everything had gone blank. They had been unable to hear anything I said for some time. And I hadn’t been able to hear their thoughts… but when I thought about hearing their thoughts again… there they were.
I wondered briefly, if that had been a coincidence. What if I imagined Edward hearing my thoughts? Could he suddenly hear them? It probably wouldn’t even work, I was just imagining-
“How did you do that?” he suddenly asked, his eyes wide. I looked at him. What was he talking about? Then I got it. Can… I thought awkwardly. Can you hear me?
“Yes.” He answered. Suddenly alarmed, I quickly tried to get him out of my head. As fats as I could, I imagined him not hearing my thoughts…
“Now it’s blank.” He said. My mother suddenly took a step down, then another, curiousness on her face.
Edward looked at me. “Are you doing that?” he asked.
I shrugged, unknowing of what to say. My mother took another step down.
“How?’ he asked in amazement. She took another step.
I just looked at her, my mother, suddenly aware of the fact that she was looking back. “I just imagine you hearing my thoughts.” I said, not looking away. “And I bet she can do it too.” I said, finally looking away. Edward now looked back to Bella. She stood there, silent.
“Can you?” Edward asked softly, using a different tone of voice with her, almost as if he were trying to be careful with her. He talked to her like she was a thin, fragile piece of glass about to break any minute. What was with that?
She now looked to Edward, keeping her eyes on him. He suddenly gasped, shock in his face. Without thinking, he took the rest of the stairs up to her. She took one step back, cautious.
“I can hear you.” he said, a smile on his face. Everyone upstairs had been silent for a while, I realized.
He frowned. “Do it again. “ he said. My mother just looked at him. “I have to go.” She said and dashed outside. Edward stared after her, sadness in his eyes.
“What’s up with her?” I asked, confused. I crossed my arms, not wanting to feel vulnerable.
“She’s sad.” He said, sadness in his voice as well.
“Okay?” I said, confused. “Does she not like the mind thing?” I asked why was I asking anyway? What did it matter how she felt? I wasn’t supposed to care about her feelings…
He turned to me. “She hates herself for what happened.” He said. “She hasn’t been the same since.” He turned and began up the stairs. I looked after him.
“Wait.” I said. He turned to me, saying nothing. “Did…” what am I doing? This is stupid. “Was my father… I mean, did he really like, love her?” I asked. What am I doing?
Edward watched my expression, sadness suddenly in his eyes. “There was only one thing he loved more than Bella.” He said.
“What?” I asked urgently, suddenly needing to know the answer.
“You.” he said. I said nothing, suddenly unable to speak. After saying nothing, he turned back around and went up the stairs to continue his discussion with the rest of his family.
As I left the house, all I could think about was my father, and how he had saved me by getting killed. I thought of his car that Beth had given me, and tried to imagine both my father and mother in it, driving down some road laughing. I imagined me sitting in the back as a young child, laughing along with some joke. As… a family.
Why couldn’t things have been that way? I wondered. Why couldn’t things have been easier? And then, I ran out into the forest with no idea as to where I was going. All I knew was that danger was soon coming, and I wasn’t going to make my pack suffer like my father had. We would fight, I would lead them, and we would live. I knew we would live, because I would be leading them with my father in mind.
Amazing i loved it please update soon