Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Jacob called. Of course he had called. Evidently it was all he did.
I was back at my house now. Alice and I had talked for a while. I explained to her everything that happened, why it happened, how it happened and after lots of tears and sobs, mixed in with a bunch of hugging I decided to go home. I had been so lucky that Alice was the only one who had been there. That would have been so awkward running into him after all we’d been through.
I needed to call Jacob and tell him. I couldn’t let him go on like this, calling and calling, excitedly waiting for the approaching day that he finally became a father. The sooner I told him… the better.
So when I caught my phone ringing, annoying taunting me, I picked it up.
“Hey.” He said, happily. Why did I have to do this? No more! Hadn’t I been through enough? I had went through so much, shouldn’t my punishments be done for by now?
“Jacob…” a single, lonely tear fell from my eye, followed by another. This isn’t right…
“Yeah?” he asked.
“I need to talk to you. In person.”
“I’m on my way.” he said. I heard keys rattling in the background.
“No, that’s okay. I’m already on the way. Just stay where you are.” I said back.
“Okay. Is everything alright?” he wondered. I just sat the phone down in the seat beside me, pretending as if I had already hung up the phone.
When I arrived, he was back. No, I mean he was back. That goofy Jacob, the one who runs through the rocks smiling and waving from a far enough distance that it didn’t make any sense… he was back. It was just to bad that I was going to crash a meteor through it all.
He opened my door for me, and smiled. When I didn’t smile back, he frowned. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Let’s take a walk on the beach.” I suggested. He looked at me with a suspicious look on his face. He knew something was up. I hated doing this to him… I had thought telling him I was pregnant was going to be the hardest thing I ever did… Obviously, I had never considered how hard a situation such as this would be.
Would this mean we were done for? Would I be lonely the rest of my natural born life? Would Edward try to get me back? Would Jacob still want anything to do with me?
I swallowed. We walked along the side of the water for a little while. Eventually, we got out of range, and I had no idea where we were.
“We’re far away from Billy now. What was it you wanted to tell me?” he asked. He knew this was something serious. He had made sure we would be away from anyone who might hear us. I took a deep breath.
“I just got back from the doctor.” That was all I said. I knew in that instant that I was going to cry. I would not be able to stop it, but that didn’t stop me from trying. I put my fingers to my head, suffering from keeping the tears in.
Jacob nodded. “And?” he asked. “It’s twins, isn’t it?’ he guessed.
I looked up to him, with a confused look. All I did was nod my head no. I still hadn’t composed myself enough to talk. I was still working on blocking all tears. I just made my head just hurt worse.
“Cancer?” Nod. “Triplets?” Still no. “Some random disease nobody knows of?”
Still, I nodded no, pinching my fingers to my head.
“Well what is it Bella?” he was slightly annoyed now. “I gotta know.”
“No.” I said in a very small voice. My head ached more. “You don’t want to know.” I dropped my hands from my head. What use was it? “Jacob…” big breath. “There was no heartbeat. He didn’t make it.” I spoke quietly.
I didn’t cry. How shocked I was…
“What?” he gasped.
“Jacob I… I’m so sorry.” I said. He was shaking. “Jake, don’t. It will be okay. Things hap-“
“What did you do?” he spit.
“You know exactly what I mean. What did you do to him?” he said, shaking more.
“Jake, I didn’t do anything! I can’t control-“
“Whatever!” he yelled, his arms were shaking. I grabbed them. He had to stop this. He ranked his arms from mine and backed up a little. “You and I both know you’re obsessed with that blood sucker! What did that fancy rich doctor do to you, huh?” he yelled. His whole body was shaking now. No…
“Jacob!” I said, appalled. “I would never-“
“Save it!” he neck twitched. He held his head back, his hands balling into fists. I could see veins in his neck. Many of them. “You… never… selfish…” he shook worse.
My first instinct was to run, but all I could do was watch in horror as his anger turned him to a wolf. I gasped. Run! My thoughts yelled at me. How could Jake think such a thing?
RUN!!!! Just get the hell out of the way! My thoughts yelled. I listened to them and turned around to run, but I was to late. He claws scraped across my arm. I didn’t really hurt, but I could was pretty sure it was bleeding.
I fell to the ground and protected myself with my good arm. He pounced at me, his razor sharp claws, scraping my arm, the only thing protecting me. I could feel his nails claw through flesh and muscle, tearing at whatever it touched. I screamed, but we were to far away from everyone, for anyone to hear me.
His sharp teeth bit down on my arm, I could hear a loud crack as the bones in my arm disconnected. I screamed louder and louder. Everything I saw was in a shade of dark red. The pain in my arm… it hurt so much…
The red tint, turned to black as I lost consciousness.
he is :) lol I'll give a bat :)
thanks XO!!! I'm hoping the next chapter may be better... :)
lol Bad dog!!! That made me laugh :)
well he is a dog :)
this is great, you sound like you were living through it as you wrote.
"The wolves have no control" That is what the Cullens always say.
You've got Bella down really well.