Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
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I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
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chapter 15 below... enjoy :)
5 months later…
It was two o’clock in the afternoon, and I was ready to go to sleep for the night. That’s what pregnancy did to you. It made you puke, sleep, and pretty much anything that makes a woman fat.
I was eight and a half months pregnant now. My baby was due in two weeks. I had fretted over it time and time again, worrying. I had still failed to tell Jacob his baby really was, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t bear the thought of being hurt again, by anybody else. He would probably realize how pathetic and demented I was, and spit in my face, telling me he’d never be there for me. I’d rather be alone than to be beaten down by Jacob. I just couldn’t risk it.
That left Charlie. It wasn’t exactly the most charming of conversations. I had been cooking spaghetti noodles and sauce when I brought up a casual “Hey, I’m pregnant.” Unfortunately, I had failed to realize that he was in the middle of a drink of soda, which ended up all over the tv screen in front of him.
“WHAT?” he demanded, up on his feet at once. Maybe that hadn’t been the best approach. At least I had gotten it over with.
“Yeah…” was all I said. I didn’t have the slightest clue what else to say, so “yeah” sounded perfect in my head.
He had been really angry with me. Yelling the same old “growing older” talk at a high level of voice. It seemed he had went through all emotions at that moment. Anger, of course, sadness when he realized he was a terrible father, confusion when I admitted it wasn’t with Edward, and finally, relief when I said it was with Jacob.
Charlie was relieved when he learned he would be the grand father to Jacobs baby. Relief. It had made me furious. I wanted to hit him over the head with the pot of boiling sauce, but I decided it wasn’t the best idea. At least Charlie wasn’t angry anymore. I would have to settle for that.
I told Charlie that I hadn’t told Jacob yet, and to keep his mouth shut. He didn’t exactly agree with me, but he promised to keep it from Billy and Jacob, if I promised I would tell Jacob before I had the baby. I still had two weeks. I would tell him. Tomorrow. Maybe this Saturday. Then again, next week sounded a little better.
Charlie pestered me about it a lot, but he didn’t push too hard. Surprisingly, we were at peace. We tried not to talk about it that much, and he helped me a lot. It was a little awkward at the dinner table with my big belly, but Charlie didn’t bring it up.
I crawled under the covers and closed my eyes. Who cared if it was two? I was tired. Nobody was watching me.
As I lay down, I felt a pain in my stomach. I was used to having small pains here and there, so I just ignored it. It was probably just the baby turning. It must be uncomfortable, sitting in the same position for nine months.
It went away, just as I suspected, so I let my eyes shut as I slowly drifted toward sleep. I thought about the baby. This was something I had done almost every second, since I found out I was really having the baby.
What gender will it be? What will I name it? Will he, or she, have the ability to change into a wolf at the appropriate age? I knew that if it were indeed a boy, it most likely would be a wolf.
I will tell Jacob. I will. I thought. And I would. Eventually. Just not now. I was still afraid of being brought down. If it weren’t for both Charlie and my conscience breathing down my neck at every second, I would never tell Jacob. I’d just move back with my mom, and try to keep away the fact that I had a were-wolf--child, for as long as I possibly could. Maybe by the time the baby was old enough to change, I would have the nerve to tell Jacob.
Or better yet, maybe there won’t be any vampires in Arizona, which makes someone a wolf in the first place. It made since. Why would a vampire live in the sunniest place in the United States? It logically didn’t make any since. Maybe I would never tell my child who his father was. Wouldn’t it be easier?
My breathing was starting to slow down to a soothing pace, and my eyelids were becoming harder to keep open. Sleep would soon take me. Or, at least- that’s what I thought.
Suddenly, I felt the pain again, but it wasn’t a small pain. It was a big pain. My eyes were wide now. It’s not for another two weeks; you’re just over reacting. I told myself.
I tried to ignore the pain I had felt and closed my eyes back. I couldn’t keep them shut. I kept looking around the room, very aware of the fact that the pain had really hurt. I sighed, realizing I probably was over re-
Then I felt it again, only this time, even worse. I hadn’t realized it could get worse, but it did. “Oh.” I gritted my teeth together, sitting up in the bed and clutching my stomach.
No, no, no. I thought to my baby. You’re not due for another few weeks. Just hang on. But evidentially, that wasn’t the plan my child had in mind. I screamed as I fell to the floor in pain. I landed on my back, my eyes wide in fear.
Still clutching my stomach, I turned and pressed my face into the carpet, gritting my teeth madly. I remembered suddenly, getting bitten back a long time ago, by James. This pain was very, very similar. Not as bad, but in a different kind of way, it was just as bad.
I expected the pain to stop, but it held its ground, not letting it up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached up to my nightstand, grabbing my phone, and dialed Charlie’s number. His phone went straight to voice mail, refusing to let me have the chance to talk to him. Next, I called Jacob. His phone rang four times before going to a company-recorded voice mail.
I couldn’t sit here and call everyone in my phone. I was desperate now. I needed to do something, anything, to get rid of the pain. So I called someone I knew would always pick up.
The phone rang once before a cool, “Hello?” came form the other end. Edward. Oh how I’ve missed-
The pain became clearer, screaming out attention to me. Make it stop!
“Edward…” I cried. There were suddenly black dots dancing across the room. The room itself was shaking slightly, and bending as my vision failed. “Help…” That was the only word I was able to get out before the black dots expanded to a complete and settle darkness.
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