Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Chapter 19- PART ONE-
My eyes shot open to see Edward. Edward. My eyes widened and I pushed off with my arms to sit up, but couldn’t. I felt really weak and dizzy; it took everything I had to keep my eyes open. It suddenly felt like everything had crashed down on me. I didn’t have enough energy to sit up, and I was taking breaths in gasps. My eyes felt heavier than ever. Was this what pregnancy was like?
Edward held his arm out to stop me from where he was at the end of my bed. “Stay there. You’re tired, and you need to save your energy.” His voice had a husky tone to it, almost as if he had a hard time talking.
Was this a dream? Why was Edward here? I hadn’t seen him since I had stupidly broken off our engagement, which had been many months ago. Why would he go out of his way to see me?
A dizzying sensation tumbled over me at once. I felt as if I were growing weaker with every breath I drew. Experimentally, I stopped breathing, just to see if I would feel more of the energy I had lost. Instead, my head seemed to spin, and dots danced around the room.
“Bella, breath.” Edward commanded, standing up suddenly, his face held in a twist of terror. What was the matter with him?
“Edward?” I asked.
Torture welled up in his eyes the way tears would for a human. Edward looked like he’d committed the worst sin possible, and was now suffering through both physical and mental pain because of it. Something was terribly wrong. Was he furious with me now that I had the baby?
He saw my concerned face and immediately sat back down at the foot of the bed. He still didn’t better. I watched as he struggled to compose his face to a mask of hidden pain, but it never happened. The face of worry and strife remained. I had never seen Edward unable to put on a poker face. He was really mad with me…
“Edward, what’s wrong?” I asked. The black dots were back again, and I suddenly felt as if I were going to be sick. Trying to hold it down, I crawled deep into the sheets and held my stomach. My arms felt weak and powerless, along with the rest of my body. It was hard just keeping my arms securely around myself. I shut my eyes tightly and held them closed for a couple of seconds before opening them again.
The dots were only worse. I officially decided that I would never again have a kid. This was terrible! All of this just to have one child? It seemed too much. Between the pain of giving birth and nine months pregnancy alone, the terrors of having a child should have all been gone by now. Was this the after-pregnancy stage? How long would I go through this before I was back to my normal self again?
“Bella.” Edward struggled. His hands clutched into fists and back again. His eyes pulled together as he focused on the floor tiles. Whatever it was he wanted to tell me, it seemed as if it were too hard to form into words. What could possibly be harder than when we broke off our engagement?
“Bella.” He repeated my name, not for me, but for him. Even with the speed of how quickly he could think of something, he still seemed lost.
“Yes?” I asked, hoping he would just say it. The black dots continued to dance around the room. I imagined that this was what it was like after having too many drinks. Feeling weak and depressed, total darkness threatening to escape with every move. It must be scary.
“How are you feeling?” he stalled. His face looked composed, finally. His dark eyes burned into mine as he put on the mask of normalness, but it didn’t fool me. I could still look into his eyes, those eyes I had memorized many times over, and see the sadness that lingered there. There was no hiding his eyes.
Maybe he’s finally come to terms that Jacob has won. I thought sadly. I answered his question with a quick and quiet “Fine.” I leaned my head back into the pillow and closed my eyes. I knew it was rude to Edward, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so sick and tired… I just wanted to sleep…
“Don’t sleep!” he said quickly, looking as if he were ready to leap up to his feet again. Worry had smacked right back onto his face. I stared in astonishment at how he had reacted to me simply trying to fall asleep.
“What?” I demanded, confusion burring me in a whole. I closed my eyes again. I willed them to open, but it wasn’t my choice. It was next to impossible to do so. I tried with all my might to pull them open. Was this really pregnancy, or was this something else?
I crawled deeper into the sheets, forgetting what Edward and I were talking about. I sighed as I sunk into the pillow.
“Bella.” Edward spoke very softly, in front of me now.
Without opening my eyes, I answered him “Hmm-mm?” I was so tired, more than I’d ever been before. Why couldn’t he come back later, after I’d slept?
I realized his fingers were lightly brushing my head as he softly hummed our lullaby. The one I hadn’t heard in what seemed like years. He was finally going to let me sleep.
“I love you.” He whispered to me, still brushing my head with his fingers, ever so lightly. Now I got my eyes open, but only a little.
I watched him, as he did me. “Edward?” I said, my voice very audible.
“Yes, Bella.” He said softly, sadness in his dark eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
His touch became slower, softer as he watched my face. As he studied my face, I realized it was as if he were trying to memorize me, something I had done several times before.
“Nothing, Bella. Everyone is fine.” He whispered, and continuously brushed my hair.
“No… What’s…” I was having a hard time catching breath. “What’s wrong with… me?” I asked quietly. I didn’t feel like talking loudly. It took everything I had just to speak at all. I was so tired; I suddenly had a sensation of peace. I didn’t feel like trying to keep myself awake anymore. I didn’t want to try and fight whatever it was that was attacking me. I just wanted to let everything go, and give into this nearing peace.
I watched him as a pained look stretched on his face. “You’re fine.” He said to me, as if it were nothing. What was he keeping from me?
“Edward. What’s… Tell me the truth…” I took in as big a breath as I could. Was I dying? Was this the reason Edward was suddenly here, watching me and trying to unveil a last chance of peace to me as he hummed? Our lullaby… our sweet, sweet lullaby…
Rather than speaking, he continued humming, his hand never dropped from me. I didn’t have the energy to keep asking something he wouldn’t tell me. I knew I was dying, why could he not tell me how I would come to an end?
Then, as if an entirely different person had found a way into my body, I said something that I hadn’t even decided to say. “Change me,” was the only small whisper I said before the dizziness came back. I felt as I was drifting away from the bed, in another place. Everything was going away, like waking up from a really bad dream…
He ignored my request, so I welled up every piece of energy I had, and repeated the same thing. What was I asking of him? Why was I asking this?
He sighed, carefully letting his arm fall from my head. At once, I reopened my eyes, watching how he reacted to my sudden question.
“You’re not mine to take.” He whispered into my ear, so softly, and continued the lullaby. I was fading faster and faster. I hadn’t even gotten to see my child…
“Please…” I managed. Even in the blackness of my closed eyes, it seemed to become darker and darker. “I… I can’t die… I need to see… Ryan…” I needed to save my words. With every word that left my mouth, I felt weaker and weaker. My joints began to hurt, and my head began to feel as if it were strapped down, getting pulled harder and harder. I can’t die…
Maybe I spoke too quietly. I needed to make sure he had heard me. “Edward-“
“Bella, you’ve no idea what you are asking. Everything is going to be okay.” His fingers stumbled just the slightest as they reached my hairline. No, my conscience spoke to me, seeming to be the only thing left of me that was fighting. Everything isn’t going to be okay! You have to do this!
Obeying my brains command, I took in as big a breath that I could, a very small one with that, and opened my mouth to speak again. “E-“
Before I even finished his name, his beautiful name, He spoke to me.
“Bella, everything will be okay. Don’t speak; you’re wasting precious energy… Just sleep.” He whispered. For some reason, even when I tried to use all of my energy, I couldn’t even get my eyes open, even a little. I tried with much effort, and little success. I didn’t feel my lashes move the slightest.
“Edward…” I found my voice from a far away place. “I. Need. Ryan…” I commanded. Who was Ryan? Suddenly, I remembered my child. Apparently, in the stage that I was, I had named him. My mind was playing many tricks on me, far too many for me to get a grip on. Fight! Fight for Ryan! Fight for life!
“Please…” I didn’t feel his hand on my head anymore. Had he taken his hand away, or did I just not feel it?
“I can’t Bella.” He whispered. It sounded as if his voice was miles away… Where had our lullaby gone?
“I know… what… Iwant… please…” My chest began to hurt. It was as if my body was making me give up, telling me that my time was up. My body was no longer with me. Just when I had thought nothing else could leave me, my own body had betrayed me. Yet, my conscience lived on. Fight!
“Please Edward…” I could just barley feel something on my cheek. Whether it was a tear, or his hand, maybe even an angel coming to get me, I could not tell.
Suddenly, there was another feeling. There was something brushing against my neck. I recognized the shape of Edward’s lips immediately. Please…
“Icant… die… Ryan…” my breath was gone. I tried, but it was far too hard to take in anymore breaths I no longer cared about getting up and moving on, seeing new things and continuing life. I just wanted to sleep!
Keep fighting! I heard a small voice in my brain. I mentally reached over, and turned down its volume. It would have to wait. I needed sleep.
Sleep. Lullaby. Ryan… Ryan…
I felt something on my neck. I ignored it and tried to focus on resting. “Are you sure?” somebody asked me. “Is this what you…?” I didn’t register how the sentence had been finished. I just nodded to who ever was speaking to me, and once again, focused on nothing but sleep. I could feel the darkness awaiting, quickly taking over me… I felt my body, being carried… and taken somewhere… I was being taken some place…
I lay limp, wherever I was as I was taken away. Edward… Was Edward taking me from my bed? No! I needed to sleep! I needed the bed so I could fall asleep! I imagined myself struggling out of the arms I laid in, but it wasn’t worth the fight.
I had been laid down once again. Wherever I was, I was laying on hard, solid ground. It was painful on my back, but it was better than nothing. Once again, I focused on letting my body rest for a while.
Ouch! Something was hurting me. Something had… somebody… I couldn’t focus. I was too locked within in my own dizziness to register where the pain was coming from, and why.
Was this hell?
What this it then? I make a bad decision, and as a consequence, I have to suffer through panic and frustration through the rest of my timed life, and then even more after death? This wasn’t fair! I should have been forgiven at some point-
The pain became worse. Had I not lacked all energy that used to be, I would have screamed. I couldn’t even imagine trying to open my eyes, let alone opening my mouth to let out what little energy I obtained.
Swallowing hard with my dry throat, I stiffened. The pain wasn’t letting down, it only got worse and worse and worse… And as if the sword had finally dropped down onto my head, I finally managed to process what was going on.
I had been bitten. Edward had bitten me…
Edward had bitten me…
I think this song really sets the mood of the story...
Oh my gosh.....! Loved it! Can't wait for more!!!