Bella Swan has just lost a friend. Someone very close to her whom she felt like she loved. He died before she could tell him though. Now she is going to therapy three times a week to Carlisle Cullen. One day at a session, Dr. Cullen's son visits. That was where it all began.
THE MIRACULOUS EXCEPTION
Chapter One: Time Is The Only Medication--
I stared out the window as the rain made a pitter-patter sound against the glass. I could hear it running through the gutters. Drip Drip Drip.
This was my average morning. Waking from a dreamless sleep. Tired eyed but unable to do anything except listen as the rain fell from the clouds that loomed over the small town of Forks day and night.
The sky outside was finally turning from black to gray showing the sun supposedly was up.
I rolled out of the bed and stepped over to my bedroom window pulling back the ruffled curtains. Sure enough, the sky outside was massed in cumulonimbus fluff.
The streets were blinded with rain.
This was the perfect place for me. A place that described me.
I was always told that the death rate was high in Seattle because it was so dark and dreary. People went mad in this kind of weather.
I however, went mad earlier on.
My name is Bella Swan and I have a major depression disorder.
Two years ago, my best friend died. We had been friends forever. And I was really starting to feel deep feelings for him. I was almost ready to tell him how I felt. Then…he disappeared out of my life. Was taken from me.
At the time, I was living in Phoenix, Arizona.
My mom couldn’t handle me anymore. She thought at any moment I would go jumping into the Grand Canyon or put a blade to my wrist. But I wouldn’t do that. The most harmful thing I did to my body was stopped eating. I didn’t feel the need to anymore. I didn’t feel the need to do anything anymore.
So, Mom shipped me off to Forks to live with my father.
I didn’t know him that well. I had only spent a small part of my life with him. The little bit I can’t remember from when I was an infant. And my summers as a kid.
I had never really liked it compared to my sunny home in Arizona. And I wasn’t willing to leave either.
I fought and fought and fought. I didn’t want to leave the only place that I knew. Where all my memories of…him existed. But in the end, I gave up in complete defeat.
Now, I was living here in the town that never shines. But the lack of sunlight never bothered me. I worshiped it. Less sun, less pain. The sun was a reminded of the past I had decided to put behind.
But just because I put it behind me didn’t mean I was willing to start over.
I was out of high school now. And I hadn’t planned on college. I was going to take the first year off though I planned on waiting much longer.
My days were spent inside the house or at my therapy sessions.
Yes, therapy. It was the only way Charlie, my father, would take me in. He thought it would help me out. But so far, nothing.
I went to therapy every Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at the hospital here in Forks. Carlisle Cullen acted as my doctor ever since I moved here. He was nice, a good doctor. But none of his treatments ever worked. Not for me anyway.
Today happened to be Sunday.
I walked down the stairs dressed and ready. Charlie was already gone probably fishing with his friends down in La Push. He worked as police chief in Forks but in his free time he was either watching a game on TV or down in La Push, home of the Quileute natives and the beach of course.
I didn’t bother trying to eat breakfast. It was a rare moment me ever eating. When I did eat, it was in small portions, snack size.
I pulled on my jacket putting the hood over my hair and ran out to my car. Then, I drove at a slow speed to the hospital.
After I finally arrived there, I sat in the car for a while. Taking deep breaths. Something I had had to do several times before. It was the only way to get myself to relax.
Every time I came over to the hospital, I had to do this. Any hospital. Because the hospital was where I had gotten the news that brought on all of this. The sorrow. The loss.
Ten minutes passed. I finally climbed out of the car into the downpour and ran over to the doors.
From the point of getting inside, I ignored all the people sitting in the waiting room, walking right by them without a glance. I couldn’t bear to look at their sad faces. I walked straight on until I arrived at Dr. Cullen’s office.
He was already in there waiting for me. I was about fifteen minutes late for our session. But he put that aside and motioned me over to the couch.
I sat down waiting for the interrogation to begin.
“So, Bella,” Dr. Cullen started. “How was your weekend?”
I shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Nothing happened.”
He nodded. “Have you eaten?”
I leaned back into the leather sofa knowing that I was going to be here over my hour clocked time.
“Yes, not much though. I can’t eat much. My body doesn’t want it anymore…”
A look of deep concern crossed his face. I had seen this face millions of times. Every session I went to, he gave me this look. And I knew it wasn’t just for business or because he was supposed to. He was really concerned about me.
“I understand. People under the type of depression you are don’t feel the need to eat or do anything. Feel lifeless.”
I stared at the gray carpeted floor. “Exactly.”
“This type of illness needs great treatment-”
I interrupted him, my head snapping up looking over at him. “It’s not an illness.”
“Well, Bella, it actually is. Not one medicine can cure it. Just time,” he said.
I shook my head. “It’s been two years. I’ve had time, and I feel the same as I always have.”
“More time,” he told me. “You don’t need to expect it to just go away like that. It will leave when it’s ready.”
“When will that be?” I asked.
He gave me an unsure look.
I leaned forward sitting on the edge of the couch. “Look, I don’t have much more time. I’m tired of feeling like this. I need peace from it all. I need something in my life to make me happy. Do you know I haven’t actually smiled or even laughed since he died? If more time is what I need…I don’t think I can make it through. I’m going crazy here.”
He put his hand on mine in a comforting way. “You’re not going to harm yourself, Bella. You’ll find happiness sooner or later.”
“How do you know that?” I questioned, my voice quavering.
“I don’t. But you have to believe that you will. Something, someone is out there just waiting for you to find it or him,” he explained. “Time is the only medication I can offer.”
Chapter Two: A Miracle Is All I Need
My days went by dragging. My time spent in blank space. For two years I had lived like this. Zombie-like. Going nowhere in life. Staying in the same exact spot as always.
It seemed as if sometime I was just waiting for something. For an extreme event to occur waking me up. Taking me back to the world I had come to ignore. Something to make me happy again.
But I hadn’t ever found one.
I heard what Dr. Cullen had said. It just takes time. And I was telling the truth when I said I didn’t have much more time. I couldn’t live like this forever. I was eventually going to do something about it. Rid myself from everyone’s life. Making everyone live simpler.
Why you ask I haven’t done this yet?
I had seriously thought that eventually the pain would leave me. That sooner or later it would get tired of draining the life out of me and go on to a different person. But that hadn’t yet happened.
It was a matter of time though. If nothing good came for me within the next few years, I was going to go to a dark place. One I really didn’t want to visit. Not unless it was necessary.
I lay down on my bed one night. Just staring up at the white ceiling. Not really thinking. Just staring.
This was something I had done in my past life. Though usually thinking was involved. But that was back then. This was now.
I looked at everything that had occurred to me in two lives. The happy before. And the depressing after.
I heard my voice being called from downstairs. I guess Charlie was home.
I didn’t bother getting out of my bed though. My body was numb at the moment and I hoped to keep it that way for at least a little while. As long as I could.
I couldn’t feel the pain. It was guarded by the numbness. A better alternative. It didn’t make me feel as good as happiness would. But I would trade it any day for the tears and sorrow I faced in those first few months.
Charlie slowly cracked my door open looking in to see if I was awake. I covered my eyes and face pretending I was indeed asleep.
He sighed then left the room leaving me to myself.
I sat up in my bed staring out the window. It was dark outside now. Night time.
I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed my old diary. I never wrote in it anymore. It would be the same thing over and over if I wrote in it now. The same words repeated every time I wrote in it.
Sorrow. Depression. Loss. Pain. Need for healing. Missing him…
I opened it up and feel out a piece of paper. The scrawl on it was not my own. But his.
It was crumpled and torn. But I went ahead and opened it up.
It’s a wonder if you’ll ever read this. You probably won’t though unless something happens to me. But if you are reading this, it’s probably because I’m dead. Or we’re just living separate lives. I’m writing it though as if I’m dead.
I wanted to tell you how important you were to me. I’ve always loved you. Probably more than you loved me. You were everything I had always wanted. My life. My heart is still with you. It always was. Bella, I love you. Even, if I’m gone, I want you to know that I still love you.
I hope we see each other sometime. In the afterlife if there is one.
The letter slipped between my fingers falling to the wooden floor. I stood there frozen unable to move.
For two years I had been unable to say his name. Not able to even think it. And for shorter time than that I hadn’t heard it at all. Now, as I read it off the yellowed and crumpled piece of paper, I couldn’t move. The only movement being my body collapsing under me making me full to my knees and to the floor.
I thought I was past crying. I thought all the crying I had done right after he died was all that I had. Guess not.
As I lay on the floor, my eyes flooded with tears. I choked on my sobs and banged on the floor.
My door quickly swung open and there was Charlie. He came over to where I was laying beside my bed.
“Bella?” His voice was worried, desperate for a response.
I responded with more tears. They wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t control them. I couldn’t stop any action my body was taking at the minute.
The next thing I remembered was the sun casting the same gray glow through my window. The rain pattering down on the roof once again. Not as hard as before though. A light rain. An average day for Forks.
But it wasn’t quite as an average day for me.
I was in my bed now. My pillow was damp from tears I assumed. My body was stiff. And I couldn’t move very well.
I knew my day was going to be spent like this. I couldn’t bear to get up out of bed. The letter was only feet away probably still on the floor where I had dropped it.
The new life I had made where I lived numbly was now wrecked and the pain came back. Ripped right open causing the gaping hole to widen in my chest. Causing my breaths to come up short.
There was a light tap on my door.
“Bella? Bella, you need to get up. You need to go to the hospital. We need to do something about this. You need to see Dr. Cullen. Now,” Charlie said.
I didn’t move. I just stared at the window.
But I didn’t refuse. I knew I needed to see Dr. Cullen. I knew the whole time theory wasn’t going to start working especially now.
“Okay,” I whispered. “Okay. I will.”
Charlie drove me and waited in the parking lot until I made it to the door. Then, he went on to work.
I walked inside and walked on to Dr. Cullen’s office.
It wasn’t one of my regular days, so I was unsure if I could see Dr. Cullen at this time. But I hoped my hardest he was free.
When I opened the door, instead of the Dr. Cullen sitting in there, I found a girl about my age though shorter than me with dark hair sitting at the desk. She had her feet propped up on it and a magazine was opened in her lap.
She looked up at me. “Dr. Cullen’s not here.”
“I’m sorry. Do you know where he might be?” I asked having no clue who she was.
“He’s in surgery right now. He’ll be back later. Like, later later. What do you need him for?”
“Um, nothing. He’s my therapist. Today’s not my day though to meet with them. But… I’ll go.” I turned back to the door.
I turned back around. The girl whose name I still did not know placed her magazine down on the desk and sat up straight putting her feet back down on the floor.
“I can help you,” she insisted with a smile.
“No, you can’t. My life is far too complicated. I’m sure you wouldn’t understand.”
She looked appalled. “Wouldn’t understand? You have no idea what kind of life I live. I’m sure I could help you. And it’s just for today. I’m sure you didn’t come up here on a day that you weren’t supposed to have therapy for nothing. You need help. And I’m the only here that can…”
I sighed shrugging. “Okay. If you insist.”
I sat down on the couch.
She grabbed the clipboard off the desk and rolled over in the chair to me.
“So,” she started getting situated in her seat. “How do you feel…?”
I didn’t feel so closed up inside like I was before I had started spilling to Alice. I learned a few things about her as well.
Her dad was Dr. Cullen. Not by blood though. He and Mrs. Cullen had adopted her and her brother. They both were my age but had gone to a private school up in Alaska. She had moved back to Forks after she had finished high school. Evidently her brother was still up in Alaska doing as she said ‘who knows what.’
I told her of my once upon a time life in Phoenix, of the happiness I once had. How my best friend died leaving me lost and alone. How I was forced to move up to Forks. How my depression had worsened. And of the letter I had found.
“He wrote it to you?” Alice asked me. “Like as if he was already dead?”
I nodded wiping my nose. “When he was alive, I really started feeling something for him. But by the time I was ready to tell him…he was gone.”
She took in my words, letting them sink in. I knew she was really listening by the look in her eyes. The understanding she had.
Sure, Dr. Cullen was the best doctor I’d ever had. But Alice had that quality about her that I needed. The understanding. Not that he didn’t understand. He just didn’t take a walk in my shoes through the situation. It was more professional in his eyes. Alice treated me like I was already her friend.
I think most of it had to do with the fact that we were both eighteen year old girls lost in this world.
“You loved him a lot.” It wasn’t a question. More like a statement.
“Yeah, and the thing is, I’m pretty sure he loved me too. We were just both so worried about what the other would think and if it would ruin our relationship. So, we ignored it,” I said staring at the floor.
She pretended like she was getting something out of her eye, but I knew she was just wiping her mascara before it could run and show that she was crying.
I never liked it when people cried for me. It made me feel so guilty for making them cry for me and the troubles in my life rather than theirs.
“I know what you’re talking about. Well, not exactly. But I almost had to go through that.” She sighed. “My boyfriend now before we got together, he was just friends with my brother. I’ve kind of always had the classic little school girl crush on him. Only last year, he, my brother, and one of their other friends decided to do something extremely stupid. Seniors feeling like they ruled the world. But their plans didn’t work out very well. It ended up they all jumped into the freezing waters in Alaska and were badly injured and pretty much almost frozen to death.
“For a while, more than a day, I thought Jasper was going to die. He was in critical condition. So, I went into his room and told him how I felt. Within a week, he was fine. Perfect. And now, he’s with me. I know he won’t even bother to do anything so stupid again. But for those couple of days, I thought about how my life would be if I lost him. How awful and alone I would feel.”
I pointed to myself. “This would be the result.”
She broke a small smile. “You’re not going to stay like this forever you know. I don’t care how cheesy this sounds, but your heart will go on.”
“Yeah, yeah. It takes time. I know. Your dad already told me that. But I don’t have time. I need to find something to heal me. Not even heal. Heck, I don’t care. I just want to laugh. Smile. Feel free for once.”
She tilted her head to the side and tapped her pen on her chin. “Hmmm…I might have something that will help you out then.”
“Like what?” I questioned.
She looked over at the clock on the wall. “Oh, sorry. I’ve got to go. See ya!”