This one-shot is a letter Bella wrote pretty early in New Moon when Edward had left her. I just wanted to test to write this, so I don't know how the results went. Please let me know what you thought of it! Please remember, my mother language isn't English.
All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer!
I can not really begin to write this letter for where do I start?
I'm trying to sort out my feelings here without you and it's not working.
I remember everything we did
together and I promise you, I'll remember it forever. Do you remember
the first day we actually talked? When I said that I hated the cold
and wet so much? Actually I still do, but I need this. I need to stay
in Forks because it's the only ting that keeps me knowing that you
were here. All our memories, everything. Okay, now I'm lying. There's
a few more. I have nightmares too, Edward. I know that you do not
want to hear about this, but I need to write it down to someone,
right? I've nightmares all the times. Usually it's from my birthday.
I keep remembering how this is all my fault. What if I wasn't so
clumsy? You could of stayed. Even tough you stopped loving me, I
maybe, just maybe, could have had Alice as my best friend still. My
heart aches every day and night. I don't know what I'm really going
to do. Is there a medicine for heartache? If so, double it up a
couple of hundreds times and give it to me, I'm begging you. I need
it. I don't know if I can handle this anymore. But I have one thing,
one thing that keeps me living and keeps me trying. That's you once
again. No, that is not the correct word, it's your voice. I hear you
Edward, how crazy and stupid it may sound, but I can hear your voice
sometimes. I can hear it when I'm in danger, when I do things I
shouldn't. Like riding a motorbike, you're telling me to be
careful... like you're still watching over me and don't want me to
get hurt. I know it sounds stupid, but I need to hear your voice
again. I need it like I need air. You know, I've found a fried.
His name is Jacob Black, I know that you've seen each other.
Rememberprom? I don't actually want to talk about this, but where else am I
to go and who am I going to write? Jacob helps me through all of my
pain, and sometimes he manages to make the whole in my chest a tiny
bit better. He makes me smile sometimes too, a thing I haven't been
doing since... you know. Sometimes, I sees him like my own personal
sun... he makes me smile, and for a while I can be happy. When he's
gone, every happy feeling is gone and my chest starts to open.
Idon't know how many sleepless nights I have had, I can't count them all.
My heart rips slowly apart every night while I'm trying to sleep.
Sometimes I do not want to sleep because I know I'll have
those nightmares. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep, I can't help
myself but it still happens how much I try not to. Sometimes Charlie
hears me scream in my sleep. In the beginning he woke me up each
time, then he gave up. He knew it wasn't to any help. It's more than
I can handle. I'm feeling selfish only talking about me and my
problems... I don't want that. Mostly I want to hear from you guys.
Something, just a note or just anything. I need to know how it's with you.
Are you okay? I even miss Rosalie terrible, even though she
didn't like me, I miss having to visit Carlisle because of my
clumsiness and I miss having Esme as my second mom.
I miss Emmett and his stupid ways to crack his bad jokes,
I even miss Alice trying to drag me to one of her shopping trips, I know,
they were awful but that's how she was...
I miss Jasper and his way to calm people down,
I only wish I got to know him better...
But most of all, I miss you. You were the one that made my day possible.
I didn't realize that then, the only thing I did realize was that I wanted to be with you
forever. I knew that my life couldn't be mine if you weren't in it.
Your perfect smile made my heart melt and beat faster. I knew you
could hear it and then I thought it was so embarrassing. Now I only
wish to experience it again. Your bronze tousled hair I wanted to run
my hand through, your mesmerizing eyes I always got lost in and it
got my breath to get caught in my throat, and your lips. I would do
anything to feel the pressure of them against mine again. It was, and
still are, the most wonderful thing I've ever felt. When you looked
me deep in the eyes and your cold lips met mine, it felt like I was
in heaven. I have you in my mind every time of the day. Sometimes I
want to forget everything about you and everything you did, but I
know for sure that I wouldn't forgive me for the rest of my life if I
even tried. I'm feeling so bad for only thinking the thought but
sometimes it feels like the only way. Then I remember, life isn't
always easy, sometimes you have to live it the hard way. But, does
they really mean like this? Because this doesn't feel like the hard
way. It feels like hell. I can't help it, but that's the only thing
that can describe it. I'm feeling like I want do die right now and I
don't want to keep fighting, but I know I can't give up now, how much
I even want to. I can't let down Charlie, Renée or Jake. They mean
so much to me and I know that I will put them in pain... if things
Edward, you made my life complete and now I don't know who or where I am anymore.
What am I going to do? My life has no meaning anymore without you here.
I'm lost and don't know what to do. The only thing I know is that you'll never read this letter.
I can't let you and I don't think you'll ever see me again.
How much it may hurt to write and even think it, it's the truth.
You'll never care for me anymore and you will never come back.
I've realized the truth and it hurts more than anything. I've tried
to write you so many letters I can't count but I don't have the
courage nor the will to send one of them. Neither do I know your
address so even if I wanted to send one, I wouldn't been able to. The
reason I'm writing this Edward is not to cause any problems for you.
It's because I just want to tell someone. I need someone here for me
and I want it so badly to be you. I need you so badly and I just wish
that you would feel the same for me as I do for you. Because no
matter what, I'll always love you. How much I even try not to, I know
I can't escape my feelings. My heart will always belong to you and
I'll never find anyone else. You'll always be in my head and heart
and I'll remember the time we spent together as the best months in my
entire life. Your love made me whole, but your love broke me down
too. It broke me down like no other thing can. You broke my heart and
it will forever be broken. I know you can't help it and neither can
I. You didn't love me anymore, end of story. I can only hope. Hope
that my heart in a distant future can be healed in some kind of way. I
know that it never will, not even the tiniest bit, but I can only
hope. Hope to get away from the big whole in my chest.