The Twilight Saga

Edward left Bella in New Moon and never came back. Now Bella has a plan for moving on with her life...


This is a CLOSED discussion for easy reading. This is a work in progress, I of course would LOVE to hear your comments, so please post them here, (I will post on both threads with new chapters):



Disclaimer. ** All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer **
WARNING: **There is direct text from Stephenie Meyers Twilight Saga**
*It is not my intention to steal anything from Stephenie Meyer*





You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward this - the monsters, the enemies.

But how could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one?

How could you, if it was someone you truly loved?




Chapter 1: Goodbye Forks


“Happy Birthday Bella” Jacob said towering over me as he stood in my doorway. He was holding a pink frosted cupcake in the palm of his hand, lit with a single candle. I smiled up at him, this was the perfect gift -no party, no celebration -just my best friend, a cupcake and a quiet evening in, on my last day in Forks.


“Make a wish -preferably before the wax completely covers the thing!” he said teasing.


I quickly blew it out, and then stepped aside, letting him in my tiny apartment “Jake, I’m a little old for making wishes. But thank you.” I reached up around his neck, giving him a peck on the check.

“Your only twenty Bella, and your never too old to make a wish!” He answered me, rolling his eyes at the same time.


He walked into the kitchen and went to the cupboard where I normally kept my plates, when he opened the door and had a brief moment of shock and then looked around, finding the boxes.

“You already packed up the kitchen?” he sounded a little confused.


“Jake, I’ve already packed up the whole apartment” I answered him, fanning out my hand towards the empty space.


“Oh” he nodded, slowly dropping his head.




“I know, I know. I just thought maybe you would have changed your mind” He cut me off, knowing I would just repeat the same thing that I have been telling him for almost a year now.


“Well, I haven’t and I’m sorry”


“Don’t be sorry Bella, I’ll just miss you that’s all” he smiled a weak smile at me, trying his best to hid his disappointment.


“It’s only college Jake, it’s not like you’ll never see me again” I lied.


“Yeah, college in Britain!” he scoffed.


“Whatever Jake!” I rolled my eyes and smiled at him, lightly punching him on the shoulder -which still managed to hurt a little.


I remembered back to a summer not that long ago when he kissed me without my permission. I unthinkingly punched him in the face and broke my wrist, after that I only had to fight him off for a couple more months before he got over the ridiculous idea of us being together.


Thinking about that made me chuckle, so I shook my hand like it really hurt -he remembered too and laughed back, shoving me very lightly on my shoulder, just enough to make me stumble back and laugh a little louder.


We split the cupcake and spent the remainder of the night on my tiny sofa talking and watching bad TV.




The next morning Jake and I drove over to my dad and Sue’s -my step-mom’s house, so the three of them could drive me to the airport to see me off.


About a year after Harry Clearwater passed away, Charlie and Sue where married. They both had loved Harry so much, that when he died they ended up spending a lot of time together, and eventually falling in love. They made each other happy and seemed to be perfect for each other, which allowed everyone to accept it so easily, no one looked at it as wrong or in a judging way.

I really like my new step-siblings too, we all got along really well. We were like the brady bunch -minus three.


After the long drive to the Seattle airport I had just enough time to check in and say goodbye to my family and best friend.


“I love you guys, thank you for driving me” I said to all three of them.


“We love you too sweetheart” Sue smiled, holding out her arms for me to hug her. We exchanged a quick hug and a kiss on the check before I let her go.


“I love you Bells, I’m really gonna miss you” Charlie grabbed me into a tight hug, his voice was horse as he fought back tears. Hearing him like this broke my self control and I began to weep.

“I love you too dad and I’ll miss you very much” I choked out between breaths. We stood there holding each other for a few minutes, neither of us moving to let go, Jake finally spoke up.

“Bella, your going to miss your plane” he said quietly.


“K” I whispered back, moving to let go of my dad. He still held on for a few tight more seconds then let me go, but not before kissing me on the check. “I love you, you call me as soon as you get there” he said sternly, looking me square in the eyes.


“K dad, I will. Promise” I tried to smile under he hands that surrounded my face. He bent down and kissed me one last time on the forehead before letting me go.


As soon as his hands were off my face Jake picked me up in a bear hug, squeezing me so tight I could barely breath “Jake…can’t….breath….” I managed to get out.


He laughed and set me down and then pulled me back into a hug, this time light enough that I could return his affection. I buried my face in his chest as I began to cry again. He was my rock, the one I counted on most in my life and I would miss him terribly. He bent down and kissed me on the top of my head, then resting his check there for a while, until I caught my breath.


He pulled me in tightly when I started to pull away, then let me go after giving me another kiss on the head. “Love you Bells”


“Love you too Jake” I replied, my breath hitching on the words.


I was holding Jakes hand when I started to walk away, neither of us letting go, until we had to when the slack ran out, both our arms falling heavily to our sides when our fingers slipped from each other. I walked threw the gate and turned to look at them one last time whispering the words ‘I love you’, I knew Jake would have heard me, but to my dad and Sue it would have looked like I only mouthed them.


I turned and continued to my boarding gate, leaving them and Forks behind me.



Once I reached London, I did as I promised and called Charlie to let him know that I had made it safe. We talked for a few minutes before I called to talk to Jake, he sounded happy to hear me but still had sadness in his voice.


When I hung up with them I went to the desk to check in for my other flight, the one that would lead out of the UK.





Chapter 2: Volterra


Once the plane landed at my final destination, I grabbed my two small bags and headed out of the airport to find a cab. Between the drive and my search it had taken me three hours until I found the place that I had always intended to come.


I was scared and nervous, but completely accepting in anything that was to come. I had decided on my fate long ago, it was a decision I had made, and had been planning and intended to keep. So as I walked up to the guards, not letting the hammering in my chest detour me, I confidently walked up to one of the men, looked him square in the eye and said


“I am here to speak with Aro”


It was just after dusk, dark enough for a vampire to be out in the open, but there were very little people on the street. He looked down at me, with amusement, confusion and shock fleeting across his cold face, then he squinted his eyes at me ever so slightly before answering “Excuse me?”


“Please, I must speak with Aro, your master. I have come a very long way, and with the information I hold, I’m sure he would like to speak with me as well.” I said, trying my best to sound confident, as if I actually had something he would want.


He continued to look at me with a bewildered expression on his face before looking up at his partner and nodding towards the door. The other vampire gave him a nod in return and went into the castle.

I took in a ragged breath, trying to calm myself. I never really expected it to go this far, I had hoped but didn’t think it would, a new wave of butterfly nervous erupted in my stomach as I tried to keep my breathing and my heartbeat under control.


Several minutes had passed, long enough for my nerves to die down, only to be replaced with despair. They were not going to let me in, and I would have to find another way to get what I wanted. All this time and planning was now wasted, and I had no back up plan.


The vampire guard must have noticed my change in demeanor, he chuckled softly with a grin “What’s your name?”


“Bella” I answered him softly, all hope and confidence from my voice “My name’s Bella” I looked down, trying to squish the urge to run away and cry.


He didn’t say anything else, we just stood there continuing to wait, in the dark and silence for someone to return with any news.


Finally after what seemed like an hour the other vampire came back out, he walked up to me, looking at the other guard and then telling me “Follow me”


I stood there, I was confused, I had been waiting out here for such a long time that I was sure I would be sent home, and when he said ‘Follow me’ it didn’t make sense. After a few seconds of both of them looking at me like I was a crazy lunatic, the guard who had been standing with me finally spoke again.


“Bella. Aro will see you now” he said slowly, as though I were a child who needed specific directions to understand, which was apparently the case.


“Oh, right. Ok” I mumbled out.


They looked at each other and shrugged before walking, one in front of me the other behind. We walked into the castle through the massive wooden doors and down several different halls, making our way deeper and deeper into the castle. After several minutes of walking we finally reached a room, I was shocked to find a human women at the reception desk. She smiled a gentle smile at me and then giggled at the vampire who walked behind me.


We walked through the last set of doors before reaching a room. It was round with three large chairs set up in the middle of the room. I recognized the men in them immediately as the vampires from a painted portrait that I once saw.


The two guards I had walked with, took me to the center of the room facing the three vampires, one standing on either side of me.


The vampire in the middle smiled a kind smile and stood up walking towards me “What is your name dear?” his voice was velvety like all the other’s I had heard, but raspy having an old sound to it.


“Bella” I said timidly, tipping my head towards him as if he were royalty.


“And why have you come here Bella?”


“I..uh..I” I shook my head, I had no idea what to say to him. I knew why I had come, and I knew what I wanted from them, but I had no idea how to explain myself or ask for what I wanted.


“Don’t be afraid dear Bella. My name is Aro, you asked for me by name. Now there must be something I can do for you, it’s not everyday a young human girl come’s knocking on the Volturi’s door asking to speak with one of the leaders.” He was still speaking softly, his words kind and curious.


“I..I’m sorry…I don’t…know what to say…where to begin….I” I couldn’t form a coherent thought let-alone a sentence.


“Why don’t you start by telling me how you’ve come to know my name and where to find me” He smiled a gentle smile.


“I knew a family, who had spoke of you and your coven.” I told him, flinching on the word family, hoping he would not ask me any names.


“Family? What family do you speak of?” he looked confused, and my chest began to writhe in pain. I had yet to speak any of their names aloud, not even a last name, and my body instinctively began to react on the impending doom, so taking the natural precaution, one that I had become very used to, I tightly wrapped my arms around my chest -in a hopeless effort to hold in and prevent the burn.


“Cullen” I whispered out as quickly as I could, wincing at the sound of the word, then tightly clenching my jaw.


“Ah, Carlisle. My dear old friend, how is he doing?” He asked apparently oblivious to my pain.


“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen them in two years.” I told him as calmly as I could, closing my eyes, forcing away the pain and then opening them again to look at Aro’s face.


“Ah, I see. And are they why you have come here today?”


“No.” I told him flatly -and in complete truth. They were not the reason I had come.


“And how’s that?” he asked curiously again.


“They are the reason that I know, but not the reason I have come. I came for me.” I was gaining some of my confidence back, remembering why I had come in the first place.


“You came for you? And what can we do for you, Bella”


“I want you to change me”








This is a CLOSED discussion for easy reading. This is a work in progress, I of course would LOVE to hear your comments, so please post them here, (I will post on both threads with new chapters):


Thank you for reading!




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Chapter 15: Chance Meeting

“...I know! Did you see the size of that thing...” Demitri was still thrilling over our last hunt in the Madagascar Rainforest.

We had left Volterra and spent just under two weeks together sight seeing the forest. We spent a lot of time wandering the area, hunting and swimming the waters. It's was beautiful there, definitely a needed change from this other world we live in.

It was mid-day in Volterra, so we were taking the tunnels back into the castle; hand in hand, walking at a human pace “It was fun” I replied to him through laughter at something he had said.

“I can't wait to do it again.” He agreed looking down at me.

We had just rounded a corner when he had said that, putting us face to face with Edward the translator, and the repugnant smell of the shape shifter Jacob, making it so I was unable to reply.

Neither Edward or Jacob had not been moving down the tunnel, Edward stopping them and hearing our thoughts as we approached I was sure, but seeing them put the two of us to a halt.

“What are you doing here?!” Demitri demanded after a long silence. Edward hadn't said anything, just stood staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face.

When he finally looked away to answer Demitri, his expression shifted and changed, making him look like an angry lover, like he wanted to rip his throat out and eat it.

“Business, that is none of your concern.” He seethed.

Edward wasn't as big as Demitri in size, but he was menacing none the less. The look on his face and the venom in his words had me questioning who would come out ahead if these two were to battle, and having Jacob as back up was worrisome; he was bigger than Demitri. The thought woke my protective side, so I shielded Demitri before anything were to happen.

Knowing what I had done, Edward looked at me, his face changing instantly from anger to something sad. Like in the clearing, I felt an overwhelming urge to take his pain away, something I still couldn't explain, but I quickly pushed it aside.

“If your business is concluded, I would suggest you leave, before something happens or someone changes their mind.” I informed him. I wasn't sure what reason he could have to be here, but I knew without a doubt that if trouble were to ensue, Edward and Jacob in total were far out numbered and would not walk away.

“May I speak with you privately?” He pleaded.


“Please Bella, just talk to me, just for a few minutes.” his voice was devastating.

“I have nothing to say to you, I've told you and your friends that already.” I said to him, not unkindly. “Please just go.”

“Bella please! There are things that you don't understand, things that you have to know...”

“No.” I said to him tightly this time. My chest was beginning to ache and I didn't understand the hollow feeling that was beginning to pound through me, I found myself wrapping my arms around me.

“Are you alright?” Demitri turned me to look at him, grabbing my face in both of his hands, worry spreading across his features.

“Yes?... No, … I don't know...” I shook my head at his question, unsure what was happening or how to answer.

“She's reacting to you.” Jacob said in a deep meaningful voice. “Just like she used to when she was still human, when you left her.” he finished angrily, looking to Edward as he said the last part.

“What?” I questioned him, pulling myself from Demitri. “Are you doing this to me?”

“No Bella.” Edward answered fervently.

“You may not remember us Bella, but your body still does. You feel it don't you? It hurts to look at him.” Jacob said stepping forward and pointing accusingly at Edward. “It may not beat, but your heart is still breaking.”

“Jacob! You're not helping.” Edward hissed quietly at him.

“Screw you bloodsucker, she remembers, or a part of her does at least, look at her.” He wafted his hand towards me. “She looks like she used to.”

“Don't.” Edward closed his eyes “Just stop, please.” He begged, flaring up my concern for him yet again.

“What are you doing?! What is going on?” I took a step forward, only to be stopped by Demitri.

“Jacob here has a very good memory.” Edward answered my pleas. “He's just making sure I'm aware of it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It doesn't matter, they are leaving. NOW.” Demitri demanded. He was angry and he was acting as a Volturi guard. He walked past me, stepping in front of me, shielding me from the two of them.

“This stops now.” He commanded. “If you want to leave, then leave now.”

“We just want to talk to her, why are you all so afraid to let her?” Jacob questioned him aloof.

“She said she has nothing to say to you animals.” He directed to Jacob. “Or you.” He finished looking to Edward.

“Worried she might remember Demitri?” Edward said to him sourly and confident.

Demitri didn't say anything at that, they just stared icy glares at one another.

“Well, as entertaining as this has been,” Jane said walking in from another corridor “I do believe it is time for you to go.” She said stepping next to Demitri, turning her back on us and looking at the other two.

“Jane.” Edward sighed in recognition and resignation.

“Edward.” She spoke to him conversationally. “I thought Aro had dismissed you after your meeting.”

“He did, we were just leaving.” He said to her.

“Good.” She replied to him “I doubt he would think very highly of you still being here, harassing his guards no less.”

“No. I don't believe he would think highly of me still being here.” He told her curtly. He moved then, closer to us; to the way out of the tunnels, but stopped when he was able to see me again.

“Bella...” He began to speak.

“No Edward. Just go.” I told him, feeling a bit foolish that I was being hidden by Demitri and bailed out by Jane. Edward and Jacob were no one I feared. “If I should ever decide to speak with you, I will let you know.”

“You are planning to stay on here then?” He asked, a seemingly ridiculous question to me.

“Of course.” I said to him, and if I hadn't been paying attention and looking straight at him, I might have missed the small, fleeting smirk that passed over his lips.

He didn't say anything after that, just nodded, turned on his heel and walked past us towards the end of the tunnel with Jacob following.

Once they had left, I turned to Jane “Why were they here?”

“I have no idea, the meetings were private between him and the Elders.” She told me.

“Meetings? They've been here more than once?”

“Edward has been here more than once, the dog only twice. I have no idea what they want Bella, maybe Aro will tell you.” She finished dismissively then turned and walked away.

Demitri and I followed more slowly behind her, taking our time entering the castle. Once inside he escorted me the rest of the way to my room.

“Are you alright?” He asked “Did they hurt you? Do something to you?”
“No.” I told him. “I don't think so anyway, I'm fine.” I smiled at him so he wouldn't see through the lie.

He left me alone shortly after, so I could unpack and get cleaned up. I was grateful for the time to think, but scared; scared of the throbbing that was still quietly humming in my chest.




Chapter 16: It must have been love

August, 15, 2005

In one month it will be a year that you’ve left; that you've disappeared; like everything else.

It's hard to believe that it's almost been a year, although, losing track of time was the most I asked from life.

I worry -late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation breaks down my defenses- that it is all slipping away. That my mind is a sieve, and I will someday not be able to remember the precise color of your eyes, the feel of your cool skin, or the texture of your voice.

Will it really be as if you never existed?

Today I went grocery shopping; maintaining a level of normalcy as a way not to be noticed, and on my way home I heard a song that made me think of you; not that you’re ever out of my mind, but listening to music again is still new.

Instead of shying away from the memories, I walked forward and greeted them...

So here I am... for the second time since you left, in the meadow.

This is going to cost me, I'm sure of it. I've broken my personal rules. But relief is still the strongest emotion in my body -for now.

It's nice today, the flowers are still in full bloom; just like they were the first time you brought me here, they smell amazing and are pretty to look at.

I hope trying to finding the beauty in life, and saying them like a mantra will someday allow me to actually believe the words, but for now, everything is still gray.

The sky is clear and bright; the sun shinning, I can imagine the facets of your skin sparkling in the light. Even my scar seems brighter today, here in the meadow, as if assuring me that you - that everything was real.

Honestly, it shouldn't matter; no one is ever coming back here.

It hurts though, to be here, I didn't think it would, but it does. I've been here for hours now and no one has tried to kill me this time, I suppose if I hadn't had that distraction the last time, I would have realized that coming here would be painful.

The absence of you is everywhere I look, everywhere I go, but the pain is my only reminder that you were real...that you all were real.

Still I hope, I hope that you'll come out of the shadows, that you'll no longer just be a voice in my head.

I always hope.

I thought of taking some of your flowers with me, but the thought of having to watch them wither and die made the hole in my chest rip anew, I couldn't bear it – the loss...

I'll leave you with the words that brought me here today.

Goodbye for now, my love.

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out



Chapter 17: Teachers assistant

“You are such a girl!” I teased Felix coming in the back door after taking the laundry off the line. “What are you listening to? … Is that Roxette?”

“Shut up, this is good music!”

“Yes it is, for a girl you wierdo.”

“Hey, it's better than that crap you listen to Bella, you wouldn't know good music if it knocked on your door, bent you over and bite you in the ass” he chuckled to himself.

“Excuse me?” I said “There is a reason it's called classical music Felix, because it's classic -it has class”

“Whatever B, and alternative and indie rock? What's your philosophical take on those?”

“Don't go there, you like those too”

“And you like Roxette!”

“And I'm a girl.” I told him mockingly. “Point.”

“W h a t e v e r !” He said rolling his eyes and himself off my couch. “Don't you have a class to prep for or something?” He teased as he turned on the Playstation he'd brought here from the castle and loaded up Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, which was a welcomed change from his usual Call of Duty Black Opts and Death Nation.

Ignoring him I took my laundry and walked down the hall to my room to fold and put away. Demitri was reclined on my bed, with my nook in his hand.

“What are you reading?” I asked.

“What you had bookmarked; The Daylight Saga.” He gave me the look as he said this.

“Which one?” I looked back at him.

“Solar Noon.”

“Hmm, my least favorite of the four.”

“Well, really I was just hoping to distract myself from that crap Felix is listening to...”

“HEY!” Felix hollered at us from the living room while we both laughed at him.

“..but since that didn't work” he continued. “I kept reading.”

Demitri and Felix had come with me to stay for the week leading up to my return to the university. They said it was to spend time with me and to have a break from the guard, but I knew that even though that was true, it was more accurately a way for them to check the area and do a full 'security sweep' in an effort to make sure I was safe; to make sure that there were no Cullen's or wolves lurking about.

They were here for a few hours more and then would both leave back to the castle, and at which time I would be heading to Pisa' for my first day as a teaching assistant and third year student.

After everything was folded and put away I curled myself up next to Demitri on my bed and began to read with him.

“There are two things I don't understand about this.” He said at one point.

“And what's that?”

“First, why do you keep reading this same series over and over again? You literally know it by heart; better than the author at this point, and yet you keep reading it?”

I chuckled at him without answering; he wouldn't get it anyway. “What's the second thing you don't understand?”

“Why she leaves him in this book?”

This I could explain to him, having read them more times than I care to admit, (as he already pointed out) I knew how the book and series ends, and since he wasn't ever going to finish either I wasn't really ruining anything for him.

“She was trying to protect him from herself, she thought she was a danger to him and that the only way to keep him safe from her and her kind was to leave him, even though it killed her to do so.”

“That's exactly what I don't get though, why not just take him with her? He wanted to go; he said he would change for her and they have the technology on her home planet to make that happen. It doesn't make any sense to me, especially since they quite obviously love each other.”

“Yes, but it's not that simple.” I began defending the book to him “She doesn't want to be responsible for taking his humanity, turning him into something that her own people are struggling with after spending so much time with the humans. She sees them as pure and good, whereas she believes them to be cold and callus. She thinks she's protecting him from a world and life that he would hate; and protecting them both from the hate that she believes will eventually turn into resentment towards her.”

I continued; even though I agreed with Demitri, I could understand the characters motivation “Imagine it this way, apply the books events to our world, imagine there was a human you cared about...”

“Don't be ridiculous Bella.” He laughed darkly, shaking his head.

“No really, just think about it for a second, do you think knowing everything you know about our world and how we live in it, could you selfishly do that to someone you cared about? Regardless of them asking and saying that it is what they want? That person doesn't understand the consequences of the choice they are making.”

“I don't know, you're trying to compare apples and oranges. Our world is different, if what your saying could be applied to our world it's not at all the same thing. We don't ever change, when we love; really love, it's forever, it takes over our entire existence. I don't believe there would be a choice, rational thinking couldn't be applied to our situation the same way it was applied to hers.”

We were now sitting up on the bed looking at each other, Demitri continued as we debated the book. “In applying the books terms to our world Bella, I know I would have been selfish enough to change the person, I don't believe there is any other way to be in our kind. Look at Marcus, he is the example of what life would be like having lost the person you loved. I couldn't willingly put myself through that when there was a simple option of changing the person to insure that I never would.”

“I don't know, I don't know if I could.” I told him stoically. “It just seems really selfish, doesn't it?”

“Maybe, but if it's there choice, isn't it also selfish to deny them? You have something that they want; that you both want, but because it's within your power to control you appoint yourself the judge and jury? Decide for them, by taking away the choice they already made? That hardly seems fair.”

“When you say it like that, it makes perfect sense, but I've spent a lot of time around humans. I couldn't imagine changing a parent or sibling just to insure that I would never have to suffer their loss.”

“But again, your talking about different things; that's not the same kind of love. Still, if they wanted it; regardless of what you know about this way of life, it's still their choice, and really, at the end of the day that is the point. It's not her decision to make, and they suffer more because of it.” he finished.

“You're right, and the other point is is that it doesn't matter, she comes back for him after seeing the error of her ways, begs for forgiveness; which he readily gives, and after a few other hurtles live happily ever after. The end.” I smiled at him, pushing him down on the mattress and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

“I like the ending.” He told me wrapping his arms around me.

“Yes, kissing is always a nice way to end the day.”

“That's nice too” He said rolling me over “But I was referring to the happily ever after part.”

“Oh Gross! and you guys call me a girl? That was so cheesy school girl Demitri I think I just threw up in my mouth a little” Felix grumbled from the other room.

We've been getting good at ignoring Felix, and this time was no different.

~ * * * ~

After Felix and Demitri left I still had a few hours before I was to be at the school, and even a few classes before my debut as the teachers assistant, but I went over everything again, just to make sure it was all in order.

The job itself was fairly simple, and I wouldn't be doing any actual teaching, unless the professor himself was absent or something. Mostly I would be doing the brunt of the work with none of the glory, taking roll call, passing out and assigning work and then grading said work. On the plus side, it is a night class so the student numbers are one third they are in the day class.

So I was surprised when the day before I had meet with the professor to go over everything and what her expectations for myself and the students were for this semester, she had given me direction to start the class; apparently that would be a fairly normal occurrence since she ran another class across campus that would end at the same time this one would begin, hence her need for a TA.

Luckily I was very good a suppressing my feelings, and had years of experience with the guard, because the thought of being the center of attention for even a few minutes a couple times a week had me wanting to run for the hills.

I would just have to learn to adopt the same front that I do when confronting people while on duty, not as a guard member though; -no that would have the students running for the hills.

I was lost in thought, getting the reading assignment on the board and contact information for myself and Professor Hardwick, when I heard a quiet approach.

My class right before this one let out early, so I had come here, about thirty five minutes before the class was to start. I had only been here for five minutes when the person entered the room.

Knowing that whoever it was wasn't human, I threw up my shield forcing them against the wall of the class room before even turning around.

My breath caught in my throat along with the now familiar aching in my chest at the sight of Edward pinned against the wall. I hadn't put a lot of force into my hold, just enough the ensure he wouldn't have been able to move anywhere, but upon seeing him my anger spiked a little.

“What are you doing here?!” I fumed at him, pushing a little more forcefully on the barrier.

“I'm here for class Bella, same as you.” He told me with a cocky grin.

“This isn't a game Edward. You can not keep showing up to random places that you clearly don't belong and give me half-assed excuses as a way of explanation. You have no business being here and you need to leave.”

“Bella, I'm merely attending a college course, I apologize if you are reading something else into it but I do have every right to be here, it is a public university and my credits transferred over without incident.”

“What are you playing at Edward?” I asked him again, pushing a bit more on the shield as I inched toward him.

“I already told you, I've come to take classes at this university.”

I held his gaze as I stood in front of him, looking for something, anything that would give way to the real reason he was here. I knew he had wanted to speak with me, but this I thought was stretch.

“I'll have to notify the Volturi of your presence.” I told him hoping to evoke some sort of reaction.

His jaw clenched briefly with a slight tightening of his eyes, before recovering quickly from his slip and responding casually with “If you must.”

It sounded like a challenge. I didn't know if I should take the bet or not.

On the one hand it was my duty to report anything and everything to the Volturi, but if I did I would either be called back immediately or the University of Pisa' would be swarming with guard members.

On the other hand, I wasn't technically on duty right now, right now I was a student and a TA. I could also use this time to flush out his motivations so that we could get past this little song and dance of his and he could move on a leave me alone.

I would be taking a risk by not telling the Volturi, a risk with possible reprimands.

I would also never get this opportunity again, especially if the guard were to come or if I were to get called home.

Decisions, decisions.

Chapter 18: Peers

“Miss. Swan? Is everything alright?” Professor Weitz from the next class over asked as he was walking by.

I had heard his approach so when he was close I released Edward from the wall so he could compose himself before being seen. Even still, it seems our stare off was enough to garner the professors attention.

“Everything is fine Professor Weitz.” I replied to him with a smile, turning toward him hoping it would be enough to convince him.

He looked between the two of us for a few moments and then with a nod said “Alright, but if you need anything Bella, I'm just right next door.” He was looking at me seriously before turning to Edward “All you have to do is holler.” He finished saying, giving me a polite smile, while at the same time Edward rolled his eyes and tried to hid his smirk.

“Thank you sir.” I said to him sincerely. He was a nice man; always kind to me, never looking at me in an unprofessional way or saying anything that would affect my opinion of him. I appreciated his concern; regardless of it's validity, it was still nice.

He nodded at me once more and then slowly turned back around and walked away.

Professor Weitz had only made it a few feet away when Edward let that cocky smile take over his face while trying miserably to hold back laughter.

“What is your problem?” I hissed at him, turning back around to face him.

"I don't have a problem Bella"

"Then whats so funny?" I snapped. "Is it the attention you are drawing to us? or is it Professor Weitz and his attention to detail that is causing you to act like a fool? I may not need his protection, but I will protect him from you."

The statement sobered him. Edward looked at me intently for a moment before replying; "Quite the opposite actually. I appreciate his concern for you." He said to me seriously. "He deserves your protection, and I respect him because of his."

I wasn't expecting his response, and I didn't know what to make of it.

We stood staring at each other again, just as we had been for the five minutes before Professor Weitz had shown up.

“You need to leave.” I finally told him once I realized that our stare down was getting us no where and class would be starting soon.

“I'm afraid I can't do that Bella, I've already signed up for this class and spoken with Professor Hardwick. She's really excited about having me.”

“What?” I demanded.

“I've taken this class before -in the states of course.” He began walking slowly around the room. “When I talked to her and told her this; explaining that I wanted to take the class here, she was excited by the idea of what I would be able to contribute.”

“No.” I said to him and myself, disbelief, confusion and demand all wrapped up in the single word.

Edward didn't answer me, instead turned around with that cocky grin of his and raised an eyebrow at me before going and taking a seat.

I took a few steps forward intending to make him leave the room immediately when I heard the laughter and chatter of a group walking through the door. The sound stopped me dead in my tracks, I couldn't very well throw him out now; knowing he would surely cause a scene. He knew he had me and gave me a quick wink before I turned around to greet the students, but not before I sent him a death glare.

Once the first set of students came the rest soon followed and I didn't have time to pay attention to Edward after that. Professor Hardwick showed up at her expected ten-minutes late and took over orientation from there.

Apparently Edward had known to pick the perfect seat in which he could stare at me the whole time rather than the front of the class like the rest of the student body.

He was really getting on my nerves.

“You're supposed to be here to learn something and pay attention to the teacher – not stare at me.” I told him at one point.

“I can do both.” He snickered.

“Are you trying to irritate me to death?”

He didn't answer me; instead deciding to chuckle to himself in lieu of replying. My palms tingled – I wanted to hit something so badly. I was surprised by at my reaction, I usually was a nonviolent vampire; unless I was on duty, and even then I never participated.

The rest of the class passed by relatively quickly – despite the burning stare.

When it was as close to over as I could wait I gathered my things –pointing to a stack of papers while walking past Professor Hardwick and with a nod she excused me as I continued out the door and out of the classroom.

I was almost giddy with freedom as I walked too fast down the empty hallway and towards my next class.

My Economics class was delightfully dull and boring accompanied by no awkward staring.

Unfortunately, the same can not be said for my History class.

“Hi Bella!” She chirped as soon as she came through the door.

I looked up lazily “Alice, right?” I said sarcastically, already bored with this game.

“That's right!” She beamed, coming to take the seat next to me. “I'm so excited we have this class together.”

“I'm sure you are. As I'm sure it was a complete coincidence.” I said while continuing to read ahead in the text book.

As I knew she would Alice ignored my statements.“Maybe we can get together sometime and study.” She giggled.

“No thanks.”

“Are you free tonight? We could get together and do our assignments for the rest of the semester. Then if there is time left we could go hunting afterward?” She babbled on with the conversation as if we were old friends and that this would have been something I normally would have agreed to.

“Sorry, I'll be busy informing the Volturi of your and Edwards presence here. I'm afraid I won't have anytime.”

“No, you won't.” She informed me with an eye roll.

I didn't say anything to her, instead just looked at her like the crazy person I thought she was.

“I can see that you won't be informing the Volturi of anything, at least not for a while, and even then you're undecided so I'm almost sure you won't.” She told me in a very smug tone.

“Of course I'll inform them Alice.”

“Bella...” She crooned and lightly tapped on her temple. “I know that you aren't going to, so there's no sense in trying to lie to me. I'll see either way, if you decide to or not.”

“Right.” I deadpanned. “You're the future seer aren't you.”

With that she smiled and then went on to tell me all the assignments we would be having for the rest of the semester; not that I'd asked.

By the end of class I was multitasking and wishing I had the ability to control time. Alice didn't bother to stop talking once during the entire class, so along with that, listening to Professor Slade and going through and starting our first assignment I was almost mentally exhausted by the time class was dismissed.

I had tried to tell her several times that all I wanted to do was listen to the professor and work, but like she had every time before she just ignored me and kept right on with whatever she was yapping about.

Alice was annoyingly enduring, I found myself chuckling at her a few times despite myself, but by the end of the class I was severely relieved to be out of mind and out of sight of Alice Cullen.

A/N: The way this chapter is written might be a little confusing. It jumps around a lot in past conversation, and suggestion is to re-read, at the very least, the last several paragraphs of Chapter 19, if not the whole thing.

Many thanks to those of you who responded, it really is very much appreciated and I can not tell you enough how much I not only enjoy writing, but hearing from you all!


Chapter 20: EPOV: My Beautiful Bella

She ran. I tried to talk to her, tried to follow her, but unless she wanted you around it was impossible.

Over the last week I thought we were at the beginning of a break through with her, but with what happened with Emmett, I am more worried now than ever they she'll withdraw completely.

I have been pacing around her shield for the last several hours, hoping that she'll finally let me through so we can talk about what happened. I need to talk to her, I don't understand myself how or why she would remember Emmett – and not me; but it doesn't matter, just at long as she is remembering. This could be a break through, something that I've dared to dream and hope for since the moment I first saw her, since the second I realized she didn't remember me; this could really be the start of getting my Bella back, my love.

"Please Bella" I pleaded with her again, placing my hand on her shield. I doubted she could hear me, from the point at which she was blocking me to her home was too far for me to see, perhaps if it was level ground that would be different, but I can't know for sure. I can't hear her thoughts and she hasn't responded to me once.

She knows I'm here though, and that's something. Whenever I touch the barrier, she's either pulled back or pushed me away. At least she knows I'm here. The first time I was in contact with her shield was in Laden Fields during the meeting, and the second was just over a week ago in our English class.

After leaving the Volturi; having been rejected by my request to join them, I was despondent trying to figure out how I would be able to get in contact with her. Luckily for me not all of the Volturi were aware of exactly how my ability works, and thanks to Jane, I obtained all the information I needed.

Leaving her that day, I already knew what I was going to do, and no sooner than I expected Alice called and told me she was going to join me. The rest of my family was hesitant and decided to stay back and wait to see how or what Bella would do in response to us joining her at the University.

Bella was more perfect than I could have ever possibly imagined, and achingly beautiful when she was angry.

"What are you doing here?" She fumed, pushing me into the wall with her shield.

I was so in awe with her and her ability I couldn't help the grin that swept across my face as I answered her in a teasing tone. "I'm here for class Bella, same as you."

She argued with me for a bit, staring at me with her golden eyes; eyes still as rich and deep brimming over with secrets as they ever were. My beautiful Bella, how I wish you would remember me.

She released me as I told her of my visit with Professor Hardwick, slowly I began walking around the room – to better see her from every angle, as I made my way to the seat Alice had told me would provide the best view.

As soon as I sat she moved toward me as if to throw me out, unaware that students would soon be coming through the door at any moment. I smiled at the knowledge; I could still distract her, even if she didn't realize that that's what was happening.

I watched as realization flitted across her perfect features and winked at her to hide my true feelings for her. She glared at me; while I smiled in return, before she turned around to greet the students, and I settled in, preparing to watch her every move for the next hour.

"You're supposed to be here to learn something and pay attention to the teacher – not stare at me." She said angrily.

"I can do both." I chuckled at her, trying to keep it light and realizing that I needed to try harder to keep my affection for her in check.

"Are you trying to irritate me to death?" She glared at me again, not appreciating my humor. I remembered a similar question in a different time, her anger towards me still just as entertaining.

She ignored me for the rest of class, leaving me to watch her; leaving me to again memorize every perfect detail about this girl; – the only girl in the world, the only girl that I will ever love; to reacquaint myself with every aspect of her being. – The way her silky hair rests softly behind her while the ends lightly hang just at the small of her back. The cross of her legs and the gentle rhythmic bounce of her slender foot. The smooth and elegant strokes of her pen as she puts it to paper. The way she draws in her full bottom lip between her teeth, just as she had when she was human, –she still takes my breath away.

I watched her walk out of class early that day, a smug smile playing at the edge of her lips.

"We need to pull back" Alice told me after having class with Bella herself. "Both of us."
I watched her mixture of visions as Bella debated again with herself about contacting the Volturi.

"We're coming on too strong." She showed me that Bella would in fact contact them if we didn't let up on her over the next couple of days, and that she wouldn't if we gave her some space.

"Alright." I agreed reluctantly, I wanted to keep up my teasing with Bella, it was always the best way to get a reaction out of her and it didn't seem to be any different now, but I didn't want her to contact them, I didn't want them to intrude and take her away from me again before I had a chance to get her to remember me, I at least had to try.

Either way, I was here to fight for my girl

The rest of the week was a blur of small conversations and long glances. When I wasn't with her I was watching her, through the minds of those around her or with my own eyes. I had taken up spying on her again, just as I had before when I would sneak into her room late at night and watch her sleep.

I didn't dare get to close to her home, not knowing whether or not she put up her shield, but I would get close; close enough that I could hear her talk and watch her as she moved about the house.

When she was in the comfort of her own home was when I was rewarded with seeing all of Bella, the new Bella that was still my Bella.

She had changed, I was sad to admit, but not enough that she was a completely different person, no, she was still in there, even if she couldn't remember herself.

She was graceful in her movements, I would say even more so than Alice – and that was saying something.

She looked happy too, and I couldn't decide if that made me upset or not. I was happy that she was happy, but sad that it wasn't because of me or with me.

The hardest part of watching her was when she was talking to them. Any of them really, but more specifically him; Demitri.

I had quietly broken several branches during my watching hours of her. The look she would get on her face when she saw that it was him calling, or the way she would sit herself on the couch to talk to him, taking a strand of her soft hair in between her fingers to play with while she did. The laughter she exuded when he would say something she found funny, or the lustrous way she spoke to him as they were getting off the phone together, saying goodnight.

It was the second hardest thing I've ever had to do; sit there and watch, listen to her speak that way with another. I wanted to kill him each time her phone would ring. I wanted to run to the Volturi and risk my life just to have the chance to rip him apart – limb from limb.

I wanted to break through her door, take the phone way from her and crush it in the palm of my hand.

I wanted to lift her from the couch and tell her that I loved her; that I've always loved her and that there was nothing she could ever say or do that would ever change that; she was, is and always will be my life. That she was mine and that she belonged to me – that she belonged with me.

I wanted to place both my hands on the sides of her face and say these things to her while looking in her beautiful eyes, and after I would bring her mouth to mine and kiss her. Kiss her like she's never been kissed before – by anyone, and then show her how I truly felt about her – all of her – worship her like the goddess she is; crush her against me while making her gasp for air and call out my name.

I wanted to hold her to me; fitting her slender body tightly against mine – where she belongs, and tell her again how I love her; in all the ways that I love her while planting tender kisses all over her precious skin.

I want her to accept my love, remember my love and return my love, in every way, and everyday of forever.

"Oh Bella." I whimpered, bowing my head and placing my fore head against her shield. I couldn't think about what I wanted to do, it was hard enough to think about what I needed to do and what was already being done.

"Bella! There you are." Alice chimed, once again cutting in at the perfect time. Bella was about to ask me some questions that I couldn't answer just yet, no matter how badly I wanted too, she just wasn't ready for the truth.

"Hi Alice." She replied, stepping back away from me.

While we were talking after class the following week, I had walked up to her, wanting to look in her eyes as I apologized for her witnessing me chastising Alice for her slip about Jasper. I didn't want her to think that it was a habit of mine to yell at my sister, or my normal behavior to act like such a jerk.

"I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, I was concerned about something she had done, and Alice is right, I do have a tendency to overreact." I told her looking down at her intently, trying to convey my sincerity.

"OK." She replied to me in a breathy tone, acceptance laced in the word. I was so lost in her eyes and her presence that my simple "OK." was all I could muster in return.

I couldn't stop myself, I had to touch her. She was so close to me – the closest she has been to me in over eleven years, I couldn't not touch her in this moment. Slowly, I raised my hand up to her face; giving her the time to move away if she chose too – and gently brushed a wayward strand of hair from around her eye and check bone. Even as I tenderly let my fingers rest on her smooth skin, caressing the soft sheath, it was over all to quickly and I reluctantly moved my hand away.

Just as it had in the past, my skin tingled from her touch, the familiar electricity coursing through me, reminding me of our connection.

Bella walked up to Alice and together they exited the door, where unbeknownst to her my family was waiting. After not seeing her for eleven years and knowing we had been with her for over a week without incident they couldn't find a reason to stay away.

Even Rosalie wanted to see her again.

It was many years after I had left Bella and during one of my infrequent trips home that she apologized to me for how she treated Bella and how she acted about our relationship. After watching me suffer from the loss of my love, and having to endure the aftermath of my decision she realized how unfair she had been and truly felt sorry for everything she had done.

Rosalie was hoping for a second chance with Bella, even though she knew she didn't remember any of us.

"Bella, this is Jasper." Alice said, officially introducing Bella to Jasper.

A mixture of emotions were emanating from both of them. Jasper's were still and currently too much for me to focus on, especially with Bella right here, but I was instantly tuned in to Jasper, my first real read on Bella since that fateful night in Forks.

"Hello Jasper, it's nice to see you again." She said to him politely, recognition in her voice as she held out her hand to shake his. She didn't indicate anything but slight embarrassment and an uncomfortable feeling, which I assumed was situational and not because of any one person.

"Hi Bella, it's a pleasure to see you as well." He said to her affectionately. He was feeling a lot of guilt and responsibility for everything, past, present and future.

Bella looked past him and smiled at Carlisle and Esme, while Alice continued to talk and introduced her to Rosalie.

"Bella, this is Rosalie." She said, Bella turned and smiled at my sister while holding out her hand in the same gesture she extended to Jasper.

"Hi Bella." Rose stepped forward and gently took Bella's hand into hers. 'Oh god Edward, she really doesn't know any of us does she? I'm so sorry.' She told me. She was hurt, for me, for my family and for her too.

"Hello, it's nice to meet you." Bella's indifference to Rosalie was what made her facade crack, she tried to collect herself and replied quietly "It's nice to meet you too."

Rosalie turned to meet my gaze for a moment, the anguish in her eyes told me all I needed to know about how I must have looked each time I thought of Bella before finding her again and since. Rosalie would never do anything in the way of coming between love ever again. She hurriedly turned away and went to stand next to Esme', trying still to keep her composure and looking for comfort from our mother.

Bella took a last look around the small group giving everyone another smile while readjusting her bag, the same way she always did when she was getting ready to run.

I didn't want her to go, and neither did any of my family. They wanted her to come back to the house we were renting and talk to her.

Alice had brought pictures of all of us together in hopes that she would be able to show them to Bella someday soon.

Esme' wanted to talk to her and get to know her again, ask her about everything that she has been doing since becoming a vampire.

Carlisle wanted to know her and get the answers to all these same questions, while at the same time wanting to examine her, ask her questions about her amnesia, he had hopes he could find a way to help her.

We all wanted something more to do with her, more to say to her, more time to spend with her.

"There she is!" Emmett bellowed as he rounded the corner, he was in such a hurry to get here to see her that he didn't think to edit what he would say. He had missed Bella in the same way everyone else had, but more closely to how Alice felt about her. He truly loved her and considered her a sister, he always had.

Emmett's greeting smile was so genuine and affectionate it would have been hard for anyone to deny him a returning gesture and when Bella saw him and smiled back, I was rewarded with my first Demitri free expression making it's way across her face.

What I wasn't expecting, – what none of us were expecting was her greeting to him. "Hi Emmett." She chuckled back at him, exuding recognition and comfort towards him through her feelings.

The silence was audible.

To say we were all shocked would be an understatement.


A/N: Thank you to the Vampire Diaries for 'lending' me their best.

Chapter 21: Journal: Someone Else


June 2nd 2006

I met someone.

Jacob and I went to a party last night out at first beach. I probably had too much to drink, but I had fun (I usually do with Jake) but last night was different.

His name is Damon. He's not anything like you or Jacob in that special way that you two are, not that I'm aware of anyway … and Jake said he didn't stink, so that has to be a something? Right?

But, more importantly, he's nothing like you.

I knew instantly that he wouldn't remind me of you in anyway, he was forward and brash, unapologetic, – almost to the point of being rude... and, I liked it. I felt new around him, and for whatever reason he wanted to spend time with me, so I let him.

He has a bike, which you know I have a soft spot for ever since Jake and I fixed up those two a couple of years ago. It was stupid and dangerous, but he offered me a ride and I accepted.

Jacob and his girlfriend Liz were to preoccupied to notice, otherwise I would have never been able to get away with something so reckless, but I did, and it was exhilarating.

He took me around on the old back roads where we eventually ended up at the top of a cliff looking over the water.

He kissed me.

He didn't ask, he didn't take it slow and he didn't hesitate. He walked up to me, wrapped his arm around my waist, held the back of my head and kissed me, long, deep and hard.

He said he liked me. Just like that, no romantic twist, no games.

I like you.

He said to me as he continued to hold me firmly against him, and then before I could answer or reply with anything he kissed me again, and then told me we were leaving and got back on his bike.

It was, sexy. The way he just took control of me and the situation, and it was exciting.

I can't wait to see him again.


10 Years Ago...

“Oh, teens today and their underage drinking. Tragic.” The guy next to me stated, startling me by leaning down while speaking into my ear.

“Excuse me?” I asked him, turning around and taking a step back from his close proximity.

“I'm Damon” He said sticking out his hand “and you are Bella Swan.”

“I am.” I confirmed to him skeptically, bringing my hand up to meet his.

“A pleasure.” He said with a glint in his eye as he took my hand in his, curling my fingers around his own while bringing my hand up to his lips; placing a light kiss against my knuckles.

He smiled at me as he let my hand go, walking past me towards the beach he asked “Are you here with anyone?” he spoke to me while looking out at the water.

“Yes.” I told him, beginning to feel mildly defensive about his attitude.

“Other than your friend Jacob and his girlfriend Lizzie.” He turned toward me with a squint and a smirk.

“How did you...” I trailed off, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of catching me off guard. Straightening my shoulders I said to him “I know a lot of people here. Most of them actually.”

“Of course you do.” He turned fully toward me with a smile. “But, you're not here with any -one of them are you?” He stated rather than questioned.

“Come on,let me get you another drink.” He told me; wrapping his arm around my shoulders, without allowing me to answer, reply or accept his offer.

“You're kind a demanding for someone I don't even know.” I told him as I stumbled my way over the rocks.

“Yeah.” He said, humored and unaffected by my statement.

Damon ushered me over to the beer coolers keeping his hand on my back as he gently guided us to our destination. Once there he went over to one of the coolers and reached in, grabbing out a beer and cracking it open before handing it to me.

Once the beer was in my hand, he went over to another cooler and pulled out a bottle of water.

“Thanks.” I said to him, but it sounded more like a question.

“You're welcome.” He said back to me, coming over to cheers me with his bottle.

“You're not drinking?”


“Why not?” I asked a little miffed.

He chuckled at me before answering “I'm not some drunk sorority chick Bella.” He said giving me a wink. “You can't roofie me.”

“What?” The word came out a little breathy from my confusion.

He laughed at me and my obvious fluster before telling me “I don't drink and drive B.”

He shoved off the car he had been leaning on and started walking down the row of vehicles. “Or ride as it where tonight.” He said, pointing at a black and silver bike.

“Is that yours?” I asked, instantly more excited about my new friend.

I walked over to the bike and began running my hand over the metal frame and leather seats. Damon followed, watching me as I circled and inspected the motorcycle. I thought of mine and Jacobs bikes that were locked up in his dads garage under a tarp. We used to have so much fun riding those old things, even though we haven't done it in quite a while. Thinking back on it made me smile.

“Do you want to go for a ride?”

I looked up at him without answering, and then began searching the grounds around us, looking to see if Jacob was in sight.

“They don't have to know.” He told me conspiratorially, walking around me and gently brushing up against me as he took the helmet off the back of the bike. “We'll be gone and back before anyone has time to notice that you were gone.”

“O.K.” I agreed, totally convinced by him. I don't know if it was the beer or Damon himself, but I felt comfortable enough with him to get on the back of his bike without a second thought.

I hurriedly finished what was left of my beer and shoved the helmet on my head.

Damon didn't wait for me to do either; he climbed on the motorcycle and kick started the engine before the helmet was fully pressed on my head. My hands were a little shaky as I climbed on behind him and gingerly wrapped my arms around his torso.

Suddenly he let go of the handle bars and grabbed both of my hands. “I won't let you fall Bella, but you have to hold on.” He said to me fervently while tightening my hold around him.

We rode around for awhile before finally coming to the top of a wide, open cliff with a great view of the ocean. There was a soft warm breeze as we looked out on to the moon sheathed water, the gentle rhythmic waves crashing bellow as the only sound in the night.
I turned toward him to thank him for bringing me here when the look on his face stopped me from speaking. Damon took the few shorts steps between us, effectively putting our bodies tightly against each other. He wrapped one arm strongly around the back of my waist, while bringing the other up around my should to grasp the back of my head as he brought his mouth against mine.

The kiss was so intense I melted into it, letting his need and my own take over my body and my reactions. I wrapped both my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer into him, my body tingling from head to toe from its intensity.

Damon's kiss was strong and passionate, taking everything he wanted but giving me more in return – I didn't want it to end.


June 10th 2006

I'm seeing Damon again tonight. I haven't seen him since that first night at the beach. We've only talked once on the phone, so I'm a little nervous but still excited.

It's so stupid that I feel like I'm cheating on you, in just a few short months you'll have been gone for two years.

I should get over you right? I mean, you've moved on, so what's my problem?

I'm really going to try with Damon, he's so different from you that it might be possible.

All of the other dates I've been on have been a disaster. They either try to hard or say something too soon that reminds me of you. It might have been too soon for me anyway.

I'm really excited about the possibility that, for even just awhile, with Damon, I'll be able to focus on someone other than you.

Even if it only lasts, for just a little while.


10 years ago...

*Knock. Knock. Knock.*

“Jake will you get that please!” I hollered from the bathroom. I was finishing combing through my hair when the door knocked, I figured it would be Damon coming to pick me up.

“Hey.” Jake said opening the door.

“Hey yourself.”

“You're here early.” Jake said to him, being Jake. I had to roll my eyes, was he seriously trying doing the whole 'man of the house' thing again! “What's up.”

“I've come to eat cotton candy and steal your girl.” Damon told him coming into the apartment.

“hmm. Good luck with that.” Jake replied to him with humor in his voice as he closed the door.

“I don't need luck. I'm me.” Damon replied with a smirk.

“Cocky much?” I asked walking into the room to stand in between the two of them.

“Very much.” Damon replied scandalously.

Jacob looked at me as he gaffed in response, while I turned red as a tomato. Wow.

“T.M.I. Dude.” Jacob said to him, and then was serious “And Bella here is a lady. All joking aside, I expect you to treat her as such.”

“Jacob!” I chided him, but it didn't matter, him and Damon were having there own conversation.

“Of course.” Damon told him seriously.

“I'm glad we agree.” Jake said to him stoically, and then stuck his hand out.

They both shook hands as if they had just made some sort of deal or transaction, while I watched, feeling a little put-out, embarrassed and annoyed.

“You know Jacob.” Damon said once they let each others hand go, “I look at you and I see myself.”

“Really?” Jake asked him sarcastically with a smirk.

“A less dashing, less intelligent version.” Damon returned the smirk.

Jacob just chuckled at him before coming over to kiss the top of my head. “Have fun tonight Bells.” He said and then turned for the door, “And take care of my girl.” He told Damon before leaving the apartment.

I turned to look at Damon; once Jake had closed the door ,to ask him what that was all about but didn't get the chance.

“Protective of you isn't he?” Damon questioned me, and then just like the first time we met, he didn't let me finish, he walked up to me and pulled me in for a kiss. 'God, that's hot' I thought as I pulled him closer.


June 16th 2006

I'm having a really great month. I just wanted you to know.

June 20th 2006

Happy Birthday.

June 30th 2006

Well, it's been a month and Damon and I are still seeing each other. My little apartment is full. Jake has always been a permanent fixture around here, only going home once or twice a week, and since he stays here Liz usually stays with him a couple of nights, and as of lately Damon's been staying over too. It's kind of nice, I always liked being alone, it never really bothered me, but I didn't realize that I would enjoy having a house full of people either.

Keeps me busy and my mind off of you that's for sure. The apartment is too small to really hide anywhere, not that I want to, but if I did it wouldn't last for long.

Damon is taking me to Seattle for the weekend, he won't tell me what we are doing but I'm hoping it has something to do with Death Cab for Cutie, I'm so excited!!

I really think you would have liked Damon. I know Emmett would have, they have that whole sports thing in common.

For right now, I'm having fun with this. I'm just letting myself go … and on the nights that I'm alone, I try not to think of you, so that I can continue to enjoy right now.


10 years ago...

Damon and I have been in Seattle for a whole day and he still won't tell me what we are doing. He took me out to dinner last night to The Waterfront Seafood Grill. It's right on the peir looking out at Puget Sound. It was amazing, and the food was good too.

We did all the touristy things, we went to the Aquarium and Pike's Place, we walked around downtown and finally went to the Space Needle to look out at the city. It was a really great night, ending at the hotel.

We were just finishing lunch at Denny Park when he stood, pulling me up with him.

“Are we finally going?” I asked him excitedly.

“Almost.” He said mischievously. He then took a bandana from his back pocket and walked around me.

“Hold still.” He told me, and then started to cover my eyes with the cloth.

“What are you doing?”

He didn't answer me immediately, he finished tying the blindfold and then said “Now we are going.”

“Damon...I can't go anywhere like this, I can't see!”

“I'll lead you, don't you trust me?”

“Yes, but...”

“Come Bella.” He said ignoring me, he wrapped his arm around my back and placed his other hand on my shoulder that was next to him, sort of steering me.

He lead me over to his bike, where he helped me get on.

“This is kidnapping.” I huffed.

“That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?”

I didn't reply, I just held on a little tighter. We rode around for what felt like hours, but was probably only about fifteen minutes.

When we finally stopped I could hear people around me; a lot of people.

“Where are we?” I asked, – again not receiving a response, instead he just took up the same position and began leading me further into the sound.

We stopped once and one of his hands left my body, and then he was gently pushing me through something that made a clicking sound.

Not long after that and bumping into a ton of people along the way, he finally stopped and whispered in my ear.

“We're here.” And then he took off my blind fold.


July 5th 2006

It was Death Cab for Cutie, and it was awesome! I had so much fun, … I really have fun with him, he's great. The whole weekend with him was amazing.

I feel bad for saying that to you, but he really is . I can't describe him, but he's great.

I really like this guy.

July 18th 2006

I'm not going to feel guilty about being with him anymore. I'm happy and I want to enjoy it. You left me. Not the other way around.

July 29th 2006

Damon surprised me again today. You know how I hate surprises, but this wasn't bad, not that last time was bad, it wasn't at all. I guess he's figured me out a little more. There wasn't anyone around, no embarrassing group gatherings, blindfolds or anything, just him and me.

He cooked me dinner. It was awful.

But truly one of the sweetest things, and with a little red it was one of the best nights I've spent in my apartment.


10 Years ago...

“Bell!” Damon bellowed as he came through the door, I had just gotten out of the shower so I quickly wrapped a towel around myself before stepping out the door.


“I have a surprise...” He was saying and then stopped once he saw me.

I blushed; rethinking my attire as I made myself known, but ignored both our reactions and decided to tease him instead. “A surprise Damon? You know I don't really like surprises.” I said to him and then pulled my hair over to one side, trying to shield myself with it.

“But I do.” He said cocking up one of his eyebrows.

We looked at each other for a few tense moments before he told me “Get dressed and come out when you're ready.” And with that he turned away and began shuffling whatever is was that he brought with him.

I hurried back into the bathroom to dry off , get dressed and comb through my hair, once I was finished I went back out to where he had been making a lot of noise and sporadically cussing.

“What are you doing?” I asked with a laugh as I walked into my kitchen. He had what seemed like every pan and dish I owned scattered all over the kitchen, with bags of groceries mixed in.

“I'm making you dinner.” He told me without turning around.

“Is that what you call this?” I teased him.

With that he finally turned around to smile at me, coming over to sneak in a kiss.

“Cute pj's” He said appraising me.

Two hours later Damon had managed to put together what looked like red sauce and noodle blob, but was supposed to be chicken parmesan.

He wouldn't let me help him with dinner, no matter how many times I tried or asked. In the end we had a batch of both over cooked and under cooked noodles, burnt chicken and watery spaghetti sauce with chunks.

“This is garbage.” he told me when it was all done.

“Let me try it. You went through all this trouble, I at least get to try it.” I didn't want to, but he looked kind of pitiful right at the moment.

He looked at me skeptically and then shook his head. I rolled my eyes at him and gently pushed him out of my way to grab a plate and put some of 'it' on.

He copied me and we both sat down across from each other at the small table in the next room. It was like a stand off, the way we both looked at each other, daring the other with our eyes to try it first.

“Come on,” I said to him “it can't be that bad.” I faked nonchalance.

Looking down at my plate I couldn't decided where I didn't want to begin, so I just picked the middle, stuck my fork in and cut through what was there - actually I sawed through what was there, but that's not the point.

When I had a bite sized amount cut up I stuck my fork in it and popped it into my mouth.

The flavor on contact wasn't bad, but once I swiped it over to the side of my mouth to chew I was treated to the full effect, and as I crunched down on whatever it was that I had stuck in my mouth I smiled at him through the rough biting.

“How is it?” He asked warily.

“mmm.” Was my genius reply while nodding and continuing to chew.

With that he took his fork and cut through his pile and put a huge bite in his mouth, chewed twice and spit it out.

“BLAH! That's disgusting!” He said wiping his mouth and grabbing for his glass of wine. “Bella spit it out!” he ordered and then took a long pull off his glass.

I couldn't help the laugh that finally bubbled over and out through the food that was in my mouth, I managed to choke down the bite that I had before reaching for my own glass to swish my mouth with.

Damon didn't hesitate to grab both our plates and toss the food in the garbage. When he had everything thrown away, he tied up the bag and stomped out of the house to throw it in the dump.

When he came back in I handed him his refilled glass of wine and turned to look at the mess in the kitchen. The laughter that followed from both of us set the mood for the rest of the evening.


July 30th 2006

It was one of the greatest nights, but an even better morning...and afternoon.

I won't be writing for awhile. After last night I realized I've been splitting my focus with Damon.

I can't think about you while being with him. That's not fair to him, and I want it to be.

I'm with someone else, and you can't be here.


Chapter 22: Theory

It was weird, the way his touch affected me. Even him touching my shield sent a shiver of electricity down my spine.

It's been just over a day that I started blocking everyone away from me. After what happened with Emmett I needed time alone to think.

I still don't know how I knew his name or knew who he was, but I remember him. It doesn't make any sense.

I can't recall knowing him from my past, but I recognize his face. I knew who he was by the sound of his voice though we've never had a conversation. I feel like I know him, like he's important to me, but I have nothing to draw on.

However, I have a theory.

Emmett reminds me of Felix. Almost immediately I accepted that. They are both big – in life and in size, and in very different ways look alike. Their skill is their strength and they are intensely loyal to both their friends and their family. They are big goofs who like to joke around and have a good time, and take very little do I know that? Because of Alice.

Alice, in all her yammering over the last week spent a lot of time talking about everything; including her family members. Emmett came up quite often. I know from her that 'Emmett is a big man child' and the he and Rosalie are together. His favorite game to hunt is bear and that a bear is why he is a vampire. Emmett loves sports and games and he spends a 'dumb inducing amount of time' playing his Playstation.

I know all of this and much more because of Alice. That has to be why he was so familiar to me, add that with the fact that he reminds me of Felix and voila' – Emmett equals someone I recognize.

Of course that's what I keep telling myself anyway. It all makes perfect sense. So it must be.

I knew he was still out there, I could feel him brushing up against my shield as he paced the ground, and I could hear him talking.

The land surrounding my house was wild and uneven, so even though I wasn't shielding very far out, I knew no one would be able to see my home or me as I spent the last several hours going over everything in my head, but they wouldn't know how far out they were.

I quietly left the walls of my home to walk around my property. I had to see him.

After having spent so much time with Demitri I've learned a thing or two about tracking, and even as quiet as our kind is, there are still ways to be even more so.

When I found where he was, I scaled a tree to perch on as I waited and watched his movements.

He looked distraught and unsettled as he paced the bracken floor. Every so often he would stop and look in the direction of my house, and then his shoulders would sag as he shook his head and began pacing again.

His expressions changed often too, I wished I could know the thoughts that went along with them. There were times he would look so angry; his jaw would clench as his fists balled up, I could see the dangerous vampire lurking within. While other times he was solemn and statuesque; strikingly beautiful in his affliction, a vulnerability that I've seen so rarely in our kind.

The hardest times to watch him were when he was sad. Sad – that doesn't accurately describe the look on his face; it was devastating, agonizing and empty.

I was just getting ready to leave; unable to watch any longer, when before I could he broke again. This time was the worst as I watched his face shatter in pain; I couldn't breath.

“Oh Bella.” He mourned the words. Then once again; as they had several times before, he sagged his shoulders – an invisible weight barring down on him, bowing his head and letting it fall against my barrier.

I could feel him against me, pushing on my heart as I held him up; supporting him so he wouldn't fall. It was heartbreaking.

I had to leave after that, I couldn't watch him any longer.

I slide down the tree and began to walk away and back to my house, pulling my shield with me. I felt the loss as soon as I was no longer in contact with Edward, and like I knew he would, it didn't take him but a breaths notice to start following me.

I didn't acknowledge him and he didn't say anything to me until we were at my front porch “Edward” I said before turning around.

Upon me speaking his name he took a step forward and brought up his arm to reach out for me. I put up my hand to stop him “Please, just let me say this.” He dropped his arm back down and nodded to me without saying a word.

“I know you and your family are going to try and turn this into something that it's not, and at first I was questioning it myself. But I need you to believe me when I say, I don't remember him or you or any of you, we've been over this.” I said to him, still holding out my hand so that he wouldn't speak. “I have now meet all of your family, they were all there except for Emmett. I knew who he was out of process of elimination, that's it.”

“No, Bella...”

“Please, just let me finish.” I cut him off before he could say anything more. “Alice has spent an exhausting amount of time talking during our class together, she has spoke about each and every one of you repeatedly. When I saw Rosalie, I knew Emmett wasn't far behind. He had to be close, they never go anywhere without each other, at least not for long periods of time.” I told him and then began to walk the porch in a pace.

“From everything that Alice has said about Emmett, he reminds me of Felix, both of which are pretty hard not to like.” I smiled and then turned back around to Edward to finish what I was saying. “Through Alice, I've gotten a pretty good idea about who Emmett is, and when he wasn't there with the rest of them, but showed up and addressed me the way that he had ,of course I knew it was him, who else could it have been? You all keep insisting that you know me, and that's fine, you probably did, so it's not unexpected for him, and the way he is, to reintroduce and make himself known like that.” I finished saying, and then added, “That's it. There is no other explanation.”

When I finished talking he looked at me and then started shaking his head. “You're still so stubborn Bella.” He stated while looking at me; searching my face.

I was a little shocked by his examination of me, I had been told similar things for years and knew it to be true myself, but hearing it from him was a little befuddling.

“You really believe that that's all there is to it don't you?” He again stated, but in the form of a question.

“Of course I do.” I told him, squaring off my shoulders at the challenge.

“Well, you're wrong.”

“Excuse me?” I huffed at him.

“You're wrong.” He said straightening himself. “You are so willing to accept a lie but not the truth, why? Why can't you believe what you know to be true, you know us Bella, we are familiar to you...” I started shaking my head; silently arguing with him, as he continued to talk. “I saw you, I saw the look on your face – you recognized him Bella.”

“No Edward...”

“Yes you did.” He argued back, cutting me off. “I've tried to be patient with you, hoping that you would remember on your own, hoping that you would give us a chance and let us talk to you; tell you what we know, but you keep insisting that there isn't anything.” He paused for a moment.

“That couldn't be further from the truth Bella, we love you....I..” He stopped talking, and then whipped his head towards the back of my house. The look on his face was fierce and I was momentarily confused by his sudden change in attitude, before hearing for myself the rustling as someone approached my home.

“Damn it.” Edward hissed in the direction of the sound and then grabbed a hand full of his hair and tugged on it, I've seen him do this before and now realize it is something he does out of frustration.

A second later I heard my back door open “Bella...” Demitri cooed as he came through the door. I was surprised that he was here and looked in the direction of Demitri's voice in confusion, before turning back to Edward.

His face had taken up his familiar solemn look, now etched hard while looking angry as he was looked down at me, searching my face. I couldn't look away from him, he was so intense.

I was standing in front of the big window that was in my living room when Demitri saw me “Hey, there you are, what are you doing out there....” He said and then trailed off once he opened the door and saw Edward standing in front of me. “What the hell are you doing here?” He yelled angrily.

“Back off.” Edward seethed, but didn't take his eyes off of me.

Demitri took a few steps forward and then stopped when we heard the rustling of six pairs of feet coming towards us. I broke eye contact with Edward to look towards the on coming sound and found that the rest of the Cullen's were approaching my house.

Demitri very deliberately came towards us and put himself in between Edward and I. “Bella.” He ordered he – he wasn't asking; he was telling me to put up my shield, ordering me as a Volturi guard and not my boyfriend.

I stepped around him, putting myself in between the two of them. “They aren't going to hurt me Demitri.”

Demitri's responding glare was almost enough to make me shrink back from him, but I didn't, I stood my ground and very calmly looked at Edward. “Edward here was just leaving when you showed up, weren't you Edward.”

“No, I wasn't as a matter of fact.” He spoke politely to me while he stared down Demitri.

“Bella, somebody better tell me why the hell they are here, and you better tell me why the hell you didn't notify us of their presence.” Demitri clipped out on a tight jaw.

“Demitri...” I started to say.

“Do not speak to her that way.” Edward seethed taking a step forward towards him.

Demitri smirked before saying “It's none of your business and I'll speak to her however I choose.” He barked back standing himself up a bit straighter.

“Not in my presence and I'm making it my business.” Edward told him, grinding his teeth together as his fists balled up by his side.

“Bring it. I've been itching for a reason to take you down.”

“You have no idea.”

“ENOUGH!” I yelled at both of them. “What is the matter with you two?! You have no reason to be acting like this.” I turned to look at Demitri “I will explain everything later, if you will let me.” He pulled his eyes off Edward and looked at me, then gave me a single nod and took a step back.

I turned to Edward next. “You need to go, I've already said everything I needed to say to you.”

“I haven't said everything I need to say to you.”

“I'm asking you to leave.”


“Please Edward, just go.”

He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, then he too nodded in compliance. Edward had turned and took two steps before coming to a halt and spinning back around to look at Demitri.

“Not a chance.” He said to him.

I hadn't heard Demitri say anything, but by the look on his face I knew they were having their own conversation, one that I could only hear half of.

“I'll be fighting for her too. You should know that.”

I looked back over to Edward, confused by the words he was saying. There was a short pause as Edwards facial expressions shifted around before he continued.

“I'm not taking anything for granted, and I'll be fighting twice as hard as you will.”

“Good.” Demitri finally spoke out loud, pushing himself off of the railing that he had casually been leaning against. “It's no fun beating someone who forfeits.”

“I didn't say I would fight fair.”

“Neither did I.”

“Best of luck.” Edward finished, with a smirk. He looked down at me, giving me a polite smile and a goodbye nod. “Bella.” He said and then turned around to leave with his family.

I watched after them for a moment before turning to Demitri. “What the hell was that all about?”

“That's what I'd like to know Bella, what the hell was all that about? Why are they here? How long have they been here and why the hell haven't you said anything to me about it?!!” He yelled at me.

“I was trying to figure out what they want, and I didn't want any interference.”

“Interference? Is that was you think this is? That I'm interfering!” He growled.

“That's not what I said.” I yelled back at him.

“That's exactly what you said Bella!”

“It's not what I meant! Of course you're not interfering! I just didn't want to have the guard hovering around, I wanted to find out what they wanted by myself.”

“It's not up to you to decide who should be involved or not. It's your job to notify the guard with anything like this.” He said through clenched teeth. “And you should have told me.”

With that he walked past me, angrily going into the house. I followed him not wanting him to leave.

“Where are you going?” I questioned. “Don't leave.”

“I'm not going anywhere. Unlike you, I don't hide.”

It might as well have been a slap to the face the way his words hit me, I flinched back away from him and then in a quiet and wounded voice told him “I'm not hiding anything from you.”

“You keep telling yourself that Bella.”

A/N: I've been questioned a lot about these types of chapters, so I feel the need to explain, just a little. It will be obvious why I am sticking these in here, but for now just know that they are 'flash backs' in time, and you are reading what Bella wrote in a journal and experiencing some of her past.

Chapter 21: Journal: Not you

September 16th 2006

It's been awhile since I wrote to you. I felt like I needed to give Damon a fair chance, and all my focus and attention, and writing to you wasn't allowing me to accomplish that.

These past few months have went by pretty quickly. I guess somewhere between the last time I wrote and now Damon and I got pretty serious. I'm not really sure how it happened, but it did.

I can't accurately describe how that makes me feel. I really enjoy spending time with him, even if we really don't spend that much time together. I usually only see him a few times a week, and those are the times when he comes down and stays with me.

When he's not around, I don't want him to leave, I absolutely and completely enjoy his company.

But when he's not around, I can't complain. I don't know how to explain the way I feel about him, I think he may feel more for me than I do for him. In fact, I'm almost certain of it.

I'm happy when he's around, but when he's not. I miss you.

October 9th 2006

Jake and Liz broke up, and I don't know why but that caused Damon and I to fight. We've fought before, lately, pretty often in fact, but he was so angry.

I think he might be jealous of Jacob, and now that he's not with Liz it's coming out.

Anyway, it caused a huge rift between the two of them, Damon doesn't care what people think about him, it was one of the things that first drew me to him. His take charge and 'just be' attitude, but now that same thing has caused this fight.

He didn't wait for Jacob to leave when we starting fighting about it, so Jacob being Jacob didn't take too kindly to what was being said, especially in front of him … ugh. It's such a mess.

Is it supposed to be this complicated?

I don't want to have to chose between the two of them, it's not really even a choice, I just don't want to be put in that situation.

Sometimes I wish Damon was a little more like you.

10 years ago...

Jake and I were sitting on the couch together, his head in my lap, while I ran my fingers through his hair. We hadn't done much more than watch movies and eat junk food for the better part of the day. Jake and Liz have been broken up for over a week now, and he was taking it pretty hard, he cared about Lizzie more than even I knew.

Damon came in through the door and into the living room “What's going on?” he looked at our position on the couch with a squint in his eye.

“Not a lot.” I told Damon with a sad smile, “we've sorta just been hanging out all day.”

“There's some pizza on the table if you want, it's cold by now but I'm sure it's still good.” Jake told him while rolling himself off me to sit up on the couch.

“No thanks.” Damon deadpanned.

“There's some beer in the fridge too if you want.”

“I said no thanks.” Damon clipped out the words.

Jacob must not have been paying much attention or he wouldn't have looked so unconcerned by the tone in Damon voice, I on the other hand immediately picked up on it.

“Are you alright?” I asked him.

“Great Bella. Walking on sunshine, thanks for asking.”

I looked at him skeptically, there was something wrong, he wasn't usually this brash, not with me anyway.

Jacob yawned loudly and then got up from the couch “I'm going to bed, this has been a long day.”

“K, night Jake.”

“Night Bells.” He said and bent down to kiss the top of my head. “Night man.” He nodded to Damon and then went back to his room.

As soon as he closed the door Damon asked. “What's going on Bella?”

“What do you mean?”

“With you and Jacob, what was all that that I walked in on?”

“What are you talking about Damon, we were sitting on the couch.”

“No, you were sitting on the couch with Jacob buried in your lap while you played with his hair.”

“Whoa. Where is all this coming from?”

“Jacob and Liz broke up right?”

“Yes?” I told him questioningly, not sure what that had to do with anything at the moment.

“So he's single now, and free to move on to you.”


“Oh don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about Bella.”

“I'm not acting like anything, I don't know what you're talking about. Jacob is my best friend, he has been for years.” I told him defensively. “You know that.”

“It's more than that, friends don't act the way the two of you do together. I don't act that way with any of my friends.”

“Act what way Damon? What way was so different tonight than it has been any other time, and if it bothered you so much why didn't you bring it up before. You know there is nothing going on between Jake and I.”

“Right! Bella. I know that's what you tell me. Why's he always here anyway? Doesn't he have a home? Or clothes.”

“Hey man, if you have a problem with me, then take it up with me. Stop badgering Bella about nonexistent things.”

Jacob had spoke before I realized he was out of his room, this was getting out of hand. “Alright, this is ridiculous. Jake you go back to bed, and Damon and I will talk about this quietly in my room.”

“No Bella, it's cool. Damon here has something to say to me, then lets let him say it.” Jacob drawled casually with his arms folded across his chest.

“Fine Jacob, you want to do this then lets do it.” Damon said, squaring his shoulders. “You've been taking advantage of your breakup with Liz and using it to move in on Bella. This last week you've done nothing but occupy her time and every day I walk in here or see you two together you're all wound up in on each other. What's your game Jacob?”

“I don't know what you think you are seeing, but Bella and I are just friends, she's being supportive right now, like she always is. Don't put your insecurities on me.”

“You are the insecurity Jacob, why don't you keep your hands off my girlfriend.”

“I'm not going to change the way I am with Bella or start treating her differently because of some misguided delusion on your part.”

“Your trying to weasel in Jacob, I see it.

“Your seeing what you want to see.”

“I don't want you around anymore.”

“That's not your decision to make. I'm going to tell you this one time. I'm not going anywhere. You have no idea what the two of us have been through together or who you are dealing with.” Jacob stood up straight, no longer casual, and took a step forward so he and Damon were standing directly in front of each other. Damon had to look up to see Jacobs face.

“My advice to you is for you to figure out what your real problem is, and deal with it, cuz it isn't me. And just like I told you before, you better treat her right – or I will become your problem.” He stood staring at Damon for a second before adding. “You feel me?”

“I was shaking. You've made your point.” Damon told him flippantly.

“Good.” With that Jacob went back to him room and shut the door.

“Damon, what is going on?”

“You just heard what is going on. I don't like him.”

I didn't know what to say to that, this was all news to me. I thought Damon and Jacob were getting along fine. Not once did I think my relationship with Jake was a concern for Damon.

“I'm sorry you feel that way.”

“That's it. That's all you have to say to me?”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell him to get the hell out of here.”

“I can't do that.”

“Why not?!”

“He's my family. If you can't handle that...then...I don't know Damon.”

There was a pause while Damon and I stared at each other.

“You decide Bella.” He told me after a moment, and then walked out the door.


October 22nd 2006

It's been two weeks since Jacob told me he'd stay at his dads for a few days. He said he'd give Damon space and hope that he figured out that one; he wasn't a threat and two; that he'd always be in my life. I guess our relationship was tricky for Liz too, but she never said anything to me, or to Jacob until the end.

I don't see what Jacob and I have as a problem, I've tried to see it from their perspective, but I don't see what they see, I don't get it? Maybe it's because I'm biased.

Damon's been better since Jake hasn't been around, he apologized for the way he acted. I hope that this break Jake is giving him will be enough to show him that we really are just friends.

I won't give up Jacob, or keep him away. He's the only thing that has made sense to me since you left, if I lost him too... I don't know what I'd do.

I don't think I could handle it, right now, I barely do as it is.

November 15th 2006

Damon found my journal. What a nightmare.

10 Years ago...

“Damon.” I called out as I walked through the door. I was just getting off from work and had gone to the store before coming home, Damon was here for a couple of days staying with me.

I went into the kitchen and put the bags of groceries on the counter and started putting them away. When I was finished I still hadn't heard anything from Damon so I called out quietly again, thinking maybe he had fallen asleep in my room.

I took my shoes off and padded down the hall to my room “Damon?” I questioned quietly as I pushed open my bedroom door.

There, sitting in my reading chair and holding my journal was Damon. I stopped dead in my tracks, unable to decide which emotion was more prevalent at the moment. I went with anger.

“What are you doing!” I hollered and went over to him and ripped my journal out of his hands.

“Just some light reading.”

“This is my personal journal, how could you read this?”

“Easy, I picked it up and opened it. Pretty heavy stuff.”

“How dare you!” I felt my anger peaking, while I desperately tried to hold myself together, my traitorous tears threatening to spill over.

“How dare I?! Are you kidding me Bella, how dare you! Have you read what you wrote in that thing? What you wrote about me?! I can't believe you write to your ex-boyfriend in your journal like this. What the hell!” He yelled at me.

“You had no right!” I cried out, the tears spilling over as I clutched the hardback to my chest.

“How do you think that makes me feel? Reading that crap about him and me and 'Jake' “ He sneered the last word. “What did you think was going to happen, that I'd be happy about it and not take offense.”

“You weren't ever supposed to read it Damon! It's my personal thoughts! You were never intended to know ANY of what I wrote in this book! I can't believe you.”

“But, you intended for Edward to read them!” He fumed “Didn't you?”

He paused waiting for me to answer and when I didn't he asked me again. “You did, didn't you. Has he already read them? What Bella?”

Another pause. “Your silence is deafening.”

“No! ok, No, He hasn't read them and he never will.”

“Then why do you write to him? What's the point?”

“I don't know” I flopped myself in the vacant chair that he had been sitting in.

“You don't know.” He snorted and rolled his eyes “Right, and I'm supposed to believe you and be ok with the fact that you're writing your ex-boyfriend and comparing me to him. That's just great Bella.”

“That's not what I'm doing.” I hiccuped the words.

“Then what is it? And skip the teen drama and just get to it” He scowled.

“I don't know what you want me to say Damon, he left me, I've never seen him again and it hurt, so I started writing about it and haven't stopped. That's it.” I said wiping angrily at my tears.

“Don't give me that goody goody crap. You're still in love with him. Its pretty obvious on those pages that you're holding onto so desperately. And you've made it pretty clear where I stand in all this too, you'd choose both Jacob and this Edward over me if it came down to it.”

“I didn't mean for this to hurt you Damon.”

“Of course not Bella, you never do.” He said, leaving me alone and crying in my room.

November 19th 2006

He knows about you now, not all of you, but he knows of you. These last few days have been horrible. He wanted to know everything, so I told him all that I could.

I haven't had to relive any of this for such a long time, it was painful. I hated it. Each time.

Having to repeat what he already knew again and again just so that he would feel comfortable with it, it wasn't fair.

And I miss Jake.

He and Damon made up, sort of, but he still doesn't come over like he used too, not when Damon's in town anyway.

He finally left today. I've never been so happy to be alone since my very first day in Forks.

I'm so angry with him for making me tell him about you, for him reading my personal thoughts with no consideration for me or my feeling whatsoever AND then to get angry with me over it?!

I don't know if I can keep doing this with him.

I've known for awhile now, for a long while, that it wasn't working. I just wanted to try, I wanted it to work, not forever. I have other plans for my forever, but for awhile at least, just so that I didn't have to be alone.

December 7th 2006

I can't do this anymore with him. I'm done.

All we do is fight. Fight about you, about Jake, about what to watch or where to go, about everything.

The thing is, is he's not a bad guy. He really isn't. He's smart and funny and sweet. He's still demanding and take charge, but I always liked that about him, I still do. He treats me great, when were not fighting that is, and he's fun. I have so much fun with him, and he's beautiful, and he thinks that I'm beautiful. He's really truly wonderful.

He's just not you.

10 years ago...

I had invited Damon over so that we could talk. We originally had plans to go out, but I can't, I can't do this anymore. He's still angry about the journal and even though him and Jacob are speaking civilly to each other, I know he still doesn't like him and it causes tension.

He came in through the door, “I'm in here.” I told him quietly from the living room. I have been pacing the apartment for the last hour trying to figure out exactly how I was going to approach this. I like Damon, I just can't be with him anymore, but I don't think we can be friends either.

“Hey.” He said coming in the room, looking at me with knowing eyes.

“Hi.” I said to him, giving him a weak smile. I couldn't look at him, so instead I looked down at my hands as I continued to ring them together.

“So, this is it then?” He said to me, making me look up in surprise.”You're finally going to do it.”

“What?” I breathed out.

“Break up with.” He laughed without humor. “I knew it was coming.”

“Damon, I...”

“Don't bother Bella. Like I said, I knew this was coming.”

“I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore.”

“Wow. Your search for life's purpose is as obvious as it is tragic.”

“Don't be mean, I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know Bella, I really do know that.” He sat down and put his head in his hands. “I love you though. Did you know that?” He looked up at me “Probably not since I never told you.”

“Damon.” I said, sitting down on the couch next to him, tears trailing down my checks. “I'm so sorry.”

“Don't be Bell. I don't regret any of the time we've spent together.”

“Neither do I.” I told him sincerely, reaching out and putting my hands around his face. “I really do care about you.”

“I know.” He said sadly, looking into my eyes as he put a hand around the back of my head. He looked at me for a moment, and with his other hand wiped away a tear before leaning in to give me a last kiss before saying, “It's just not enough.”



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