Screaming Inside

Hi everyone!

As many of you know, I began writing this story last summer.

But school came and I was too busy to update.

So I stopped writing.

But a lot of you read it and I figured that I would repost it and continue to write it!

So, please, read, comment, and enjoy!

Crying silently

Hurting Underneath

If you sob out loud

You can't cry, too

He'll see them and you

Don't show your weakness

Camouflage the pain

Can't let him see you're hurting

You can cry in the rain

That way no one will see

Won't see the tears stream

Down your face they flow

But only as the rain will blow

You can fake it

If you're good

You can act

Pretend, you could

Stay expressionless

Look emotionless

Smile

Even though it hurts

Even though it's ripping you apart

Even though you're screaming inside

Preface

When the pain starts to break through, your'e screaming on the inside. But you can't show the weakness. That would only bring amusement to them. You can't scream out loud. You've got to stay expressionless. Look emotionless. Cover up the proof. Smile.
Even though it hurts.
Even though it's ripping you're insides.
Even though you're screaming on the inside.....

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Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 12:49pm

Chapter Two

Bo's POV
I watched Lili step onto the bus and smiled when she looked my way. I scooted in towards the window to make room for her as she made her way down the bus isle between the seats.
"Hey Lili," I spoke when she sat down.
"Hey Bo," she spoke quietly. I knew something was wrong, again but I doubt if I asked, she would tell me.
"What's wrong, Lil?? I've known you for 5 years. There is SOMETHING wrong." We've been friends since 2nd grade. We are in 7th grade now. I started asking her what was wrong in 4th grade. You could tell when she was hurt. I don't know how she gets hurt or if it's inside or out. I've asked tons of time since then. Haven't gotten an answer yet.
"Nothing," she spoke, now playing up the confident act.
"That's a lie," I said, matching her tone, but mine was real confidence. I wasn't just playing it up like her.
She stayed quiet after that. I stared at her, wondering if she knew how incredibly pretty she was. I bet not. I wish I could tell her. But, I don't want her thinking I think of her like that. Or......knowing....I think of her like that. When she glances at me, I pulled my eyes away, a bit embarrassed.
The bus ride was long to school. We sat there in silence until the bus stopped at the school. Everyone pushed and shoved to get off of the bus. Lili and I just waited. We have a method of just waiting until all of the crazy animal-like children are off. When everyone was on their way up, I stepped out of the seat, after Lili. We had our first class together and discussed our science essay on our way into school.
"Mine's about photosynthesis and how plants make food," I told her.
"Uh, Bo, photosynthesis IS how plants make food. It's the process," she corrected me.
"Oh, I know. I was just saying," I said quickly, trying to cover my mistake.
She giggled my favorite giggle, ever. Then I laughed back and we continued into the school.

After all of our classes before lunch, I walked to the lunchroom alone and found a place in line. I saw Lili a few people ahead of me and she smiled at me. I almost died right there. Her smile was real. It touched her eyes and everything. I haven't seen a smile like that in about 2 months. I mean, she smiled but most looked forced and the ones that didn't, never touched her eyes. I wonder what brought this on but soon realized I didn't care. I thought for a second and saw myself standing here, in my head. My mouth was in the shape of a "o" the size of a pill bottle and my eyes looked concerned. I didn't really want Lili to wonder what my problem was so I smiled back. I must've been a little late because her eyebrows rose for a second then dropped back down to where they are supposed to be. I almost laughed nervously but remembered that there are people around. Lili motioned for me to come up by her and I tiptoed around the big, scary James Monroy. When I got up by her she shook her head with a smirk on her face.
"What?" I asked, a bit self-conscious.
She stopped smiling and just shook her head, her eyes still gleaming.
It happened so fast. A short nerdy boy named Larry knocked a milk carton off of the table freezer they were on. Lili stepped on one and tripped falling towards the table freezer and then caught herself.
This reflective action caused her light purple scarf to fall off and before she grabbed it like it was the last breath of air on Earth, I saw it.
Her neck was beat red, but that wasn't the worst part. The redness surrounded I dark black and blue spot, just below her jugular tube in her throat. Lili looked around nervously after she replaced her scarf. She glanced at me and saw me staring where she had just put her scarf and looked as if she was ready to cry......

Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 12:50pm

Chapter One

Lili's POV
Run away. Run fast. Hurry. It's him. He's coming. He has it. It's silver. He's gaining. GO FASTER! The thing. It's shinning. Sparkling. Even under the clouds. He's only a few feet behind now. Can't breathe. Have to keep going. Sharp pull on my scalp. He's got my hair. Thrown to the ground. Someone help. He has it over my head. The knife. Crashing down, into my throat.
I woke up panting and sweating harshly. I just kept repeating in my head.........
'Only a dream. Only a dream. Only a dream. Only a-'
I was interrupted by a slamming sound. My door flew open and my dad grabbed me by the head and pulled me up. I was used to this but my scalp still whined in pain. Then he shoved me back down onto the bed and fell on top of me. He slapped my face and I bit my lip. Then he stood up and I stumbled my feet around on the floor, still bent over backwards on the bed. He pushed my body down to the floor and kicked my neck right below my jugular. I couldn't breathe. He stood up, straightened his shirt, smiled sweetly, and walked out the door. He made me sick.
I took a slow breath in and let it all out in a woof noise. I was relieved. I could still breath. My throat hurts and my cheek is still stinging. My chocolate colored hair fell down to my shoulders and my chocolate colored eyes closed as I tried to stand up. We had school in 20 minutes. Great.
I tripped to the bathroom that was right off of my room and pulled out my bag of supplies to cover the proof. I took out cover up and wiped it all over my beige face, hoping to cover the redness on my cheek. Successful. I rubbed alcohol on my shoulder with a cotton ball where he had scraped me with his nails 2 days ago. He told me he "had been growing his nails out for 6 months for this" and he gouged them into my shoulder and pulled. When I finished with disguising my other bruises and wounds, I went to find my outfit for the day. I wore a light colored pair of blue jeans and a green long sleeve t-shirt and put a purple and blue striped shirt over that. I put my hair up and then decided otherwise. I had to cover my neck up somehow. It was almost winter and I figured that I could wear a cute scarf. Digging through my closet, I found a purple scarf that was a shade lighter than the purple on my shirt. This will work. I threw it around my neck, grabbed my backpack, put on a fake smile, and ran to the bus waiting in our long driveway.....

Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 12:51pm

Chapter Three

Bo's POV
I tried not too seem shocked. I tried not to let her see how much that, right there, hurt me.
I tried.
But she knows me to well.
I didn't succeed.
With a red face, she ran towards the school bathroom. With instinct, knowing something bad happened, I followed. She ran up the two little steps to the door that said LADIES. After I glanced down two steps to the door that said GENTLEMEN, I followed Lili into the LADIES door. Boy, how i hoped that no one else was in there. But I soon figured, I didn't care. This "nothing" thing has been going on a few years too long and this was my chance to actually understand. I cursed under my breath when I figured out that not worrying about what Lili calls "nothing" might be worse than I thought.
Once in the bathroom, I scanned the big bathroom (we go to a crappy school but they have the best bathrooms) for Lili. I walked around a large corner in the bathroom and found Lili sitting under the sink with a paper towel over her eyes and another one -it looked wet- around her neck. The purple scarf she was wearing was in a pile on the counter. It took a whole minute for her to notice someone was with her and when she did, she looked scared as she uncovered her eyes. Once she looked at me, she looked worried and curious.
"Bo? What are you doing in here?" Lili asked, almost accusingly. Her voice was surprisingly stable.
But I couldn't match her tone. My voice broke. "Can you......" then I tried again. "Can you explain, now?"
"No," was all she said.
Her beautiful face was splotched with redness and I couldn't take it anymore. I walked to her, knelt down, and pulled the cold paper towel from her neck. With a slow reaction, she reached to hold her throat where the towel had just been. I was there before her and caught her hand and lightly touched her neck with my free hand. I saw her chest tighten but she didn't whimper or flinch in the pain I knew it probably caused her. When I got a good look at the bruise, I grabbed her hand and just held it....we sat there until a teacher walked in and saw me sitting on the floor with her.....
She grabbed a walky talky and asked for a janitor, immediately, in the LADIES bathroom.
A janitor came in and pulled me up by the arm.....I tried to explain before he continued to drag me out but I didn't wanna blow Lili's secret....I glanced at her and saw that the scarf was back around her neck.
"I-can I....I didn't....I just need to....be..there...with her. I can't....she needs me! LET ME GO!!!" I finally screamed. He didn't let me go and pulled me to the principal's office. He literally threw me into a chair in front of the desk that had a name tag on it saying: Mr. Timothy J. Mason, Principal
Grrr...I wanted to explode. They have NO RIGHT keeping me in here. Whoever did that to Lili should be evacuated. God. They need to let me go!! I was just trying to HELP!!! They DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!! Why are they worrying about me when there is a child being abused?!?!?!?!

Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 12:52pm

Chapter Four

Lil's POV
I couldn't hold in the crying anymore. I finally realized I have nothing. Not a single thing.
All I had is Bo. And even he is gone. They took him away. Away from me.

I didn't want to cry. I honestly didn't. I didn't even cry in front of him. Even after all he has done to me. Even after all of the pain I went through because of him. Right there, I planned that if Bo ever found out anything, I would tell him I was numb to it now. That it didn't even hurt. I was used to it. Then, he would detect my lie and I would to all within my power to convince him that he was wrong, that I was serious. Serious that it didn't hurt. Serious that I was tolerant, no, that I couldn't even feel it. It, as in the pain. Yes. Yes, that was it. I would tell him that and stick with it. I don't know how far that would get but I made a pact with myself that I would try. That I would smile and say it didn't matter because I was strong.
But that's a lie.
I'm not strong but I can't bring myself to say I'm weak. And this time it's not even to put on a show, to not let HIM see the weakness in me. It's to prove to ME that my life still has meaning. That I shouldn't end it.
Or should I??
Should I just....get rid of it......get rid of me??
I could but I.......can't. Bo. Bo. Bo. Bo. Bo. Bo.
Argh.....could I even rid myself without hurting Bo?
No.
And that was a fact.
No. I could not end it without Bo being in physical and emotional pain.

With that, I quit thinking. I quit worrying and did it. I took my hand and pressed my palm into the spikes on the paper towel dispenser. I didn't slice back and forth. I just pushed. I pushed so hard that the plastic dug deep into my palm. Even though it hurt, I didn't mind. I finally had control over my own pain.
'STOP' I screamed at myself. I pulled my hand away like I had just touched something hot and stared at the wound. It was about a centimeter into my hand. I didn't want to be one of those girls. One of the ones who did stuff like cutting and drugs to fix my problems.
I took a paper towel from the dispenser and washed the red off of the spikes. I washed that out to make a bit of blood go away (so no one would be suspicious). Then, I pulled out another paper towel and wrapped it around my bleeding hand, feeling guilty about what I had just done. 'It shouldn't take long to heal,' I told myself and then heard the late bell. Had I missed the first? I knew the difference because the late bell was to short sounds and the first was one long beep.
I took a deep breath and walked to the door, pushed it open, and tried not to run to the district door with the intention of running away from school. I know Ii would just be beaten by him worse than usual (if possible) if he found out. So instead of thinking about that, my mind wondered -okay, not wondered, more of flickered- to Bo. Was he in the principal's office?? I'm sure that boy isn't scared to death as I would be. Or maybe I'm wrong. He would either be brave and tough, standing up to the man that runs the building OR he would cry and apologize for everything. I was SURE he would do one of those. When he goes, he goes all the way. He's not really a neutral person.
I hoped he would be in too much trouble.

I threw open my locker with my good hand and rushed to my class, always keeping the brown safety cover over my hands, at all times. NO ONE would know about this.
No one.

Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 12:54pm

Chapter Five

Bo's POV
As I sat here, getting yelled at, I tuned out the principal. I don't think he knows that I'm not listening. Oh well.
Stupid teachers. Everything was FINE. Okay. No. Not fine. But me being in the girls bathroom wasn't even part of the problem!
So with that, I blew up. You should have seen the look on Principal Becker's face when I jumped up and told him to shut up. He looked like he was suprised. His eyes bulged and he did shut up.
"Uhh. Mister Casper, is there something going on that I should know about? This isn't your average behavior," the principal said after he regained his confidence.
I wanted to shout at him, to tell him that there IS something he should know about. I wanted him to know that my anger at him wasn't really because of him. I wanted to. But I knew that Lili would hate me, even though it could save her from what I was pretty sure I knew was going on. I didn't know WHO was hurting her. I wasn't really sure. But it has to be SOMEONE.
I finally replied to the principal.
"There is. But it's none of yur business. Okay?? So just worry about yourself and stop worrying about all of these students that you pretend to care about. Everyone KNOWS that you don't really care. We all know that you just like having control. WE don't wasnt you knowing OUR business," I sounded more calm than I had expected. "May I go now?" And that time, I pretty much demanded it.
"I...I suppose." I now had the permission that I wanted and stormed out of the front office. I could still hear Principal Becker telling me that this wasn't the last of the conversation. Whatever.

When I got back to the hallway, I realized that I had not gotten a late pass. I hurried to get my stuff and practically ran to my class. Breathing hard, I knocked on the door. When the teacher opened the door, he glared at me.
"Glad you could finally join us, Mister Casper."
Mister this, Mister that. Jeesh. You would think we were all professional here, or something!
I wanted to say "not me" but I kept my mouth shut. I want to go home. I'm really ticked now. My whole day is ruined. Can't they just realize that I'm NOT going to just go "Oh, being upset really stinks. Maybe I should be happy for the rest of the day."
Yeah. Right.
I sat down and started to think about Lili. When the bell finally rang, I knew I had been wrong. I was in a better mood.

Permalink Reply by Kelsi :) on July 14, 2010 at 1:42pm

Chapter Six

Lili's POV
The bell rang to end class.
I crumpled up the paper towel and through it in the trash while I walked out of the classroom.
I didn't dare look at the cut that still stung horribly. I didn't want to see what a dumb choice I made just because I couldn't handle my own feelings. Just because I couldn't control the inside, what I was feeling deep down.
When I was about 20 feet to my locker, Someone grabbed me by the arm and flung me around, causing all of my books from the previous class to sprawl all over the hallway.
"Hey! Who do you think you-" I stopped lashing the person out, right there. Because that person was Bo.
"Lili. Will you come to my house after school, today??" Bo meant it as a question but it came out more as an order.
"Uhh...I can't. My, um, dad needs, uh, my help cleaning up the, uhh, yard." That was my worst lie, ever. I knew he wouldn't believe me but I had to hope. I knew that I would get beaten if I wasn't home at the same time as every other day. He would think I told. Think that I was now safe. He would be mad.
Bo glared into my eyes so sternly that I felt like a kitten about to be squashed under the foot of an elephant. He knew I was lying. He knew, now.
"Lili, you lied to me. You lied to me every single time that I asked you. But you are my best friend. And I don't trust you, anymore. I don't believe you. I know what is going on. Well, I almost do. Is it your dad? Lili, tell me the truth. I'm so sick of seeing you hurt. Can't I help you? Please??"
I wanted to say no. I wanted to act like I had no idea what he was talking about. I wanted to pretend nothing was wrong.
I wanted to.
But one can only act, can only pretend, for so long.
Then they snap.
"No. You cannot help me, Bo. No one can. And if he finds out that you know, then it will get worse. You know, Bo. You were right. You know, Bo. You aren't dumb. But please, don't say anything." I begged, basically.
'You want the truth, Bo? I'm going to die someday, from him, Bo!! And I'm scared!'
That's what I wanted to say. But it didn't come out of my mouth. It was all in my head. I knew that one day, he will go to far, that he won't be able to stop. I know that one day, I won't be breathing. But it will be his fault.
Maybe you have noticed that I don't say "dad" when I talk about him. There's a reason. I don't want to believe that my dad is a monster, that he abuses his only child. What teenage girl would want to believe that??
I thought that maybe, if I consider him as something other than my dad when he beats me, it wouldn't hurt so bad. That maybe, just maybe, he couldn't control himself. I've been hoping.
I've bee wrong.
He's not going to change.
When I came back to reality, Bo was staring at me. We were still standing by my locker. But one thing was different.
My sight was blurry.
And there was salty tears sliding down my cheeks.
Bo touched my cheek, taking away the wetness that was there.
"C'mon" Bo said. He grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the school building. We started walking out of the parking lot.
I didn't know where we were headed. But right now, I didn't care.