Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
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I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
For some reason, I can't see chapter four... here it is again.
Two months earlier… continued-
No, no, no, no, no…. That was the only thing going through my head. I knew it had to have been a dream. I didn’t really fall for Jacobs kiss…? Was it really just a short time ago that I decided Edward was far to controlling for me? And by doing that I…
I slept with Jacob. The thoughts ran around in my head for a little bit, as I lay on Jacob’s chest. I didn’t really mean it! I fell for Jacobs trap! Edward’s not really that bad! Undo! Undo… What could I do? Was this the end for Edward and I?
I realized that it didn’t have to be. If I got home quick enough, and managed to keep a straight face Edward would never know…
With that, I jumped out of bed and quickly pulled my clothes back on. Jacob made a weird noise as he came out of his sleep. “Wha- What’s happening?” he asked lazily, looking over to me. As soon as he saw me getting dressed, he was wide awake. He sat up in bed. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“I can’t do this. I need to get home.” I said as I pulled my pants on. I reached in the pocket for the phone, only to realize that I had left my phone in Edward’s car. *edited by mod*
“Bella, what do you mean?” he asked.
I looked him straight in the face. “This was a mistake, Jacob. I should never have come here. This shouldn’t have happened.” I marched my way out of his room and to the living room. I searched the couch for my sweatshirt. He came in after a couple of seconds. When he came in, he had his pants back on, but not his shirt.
He watched me “Bella… you don’t really mean that, do you?” he asked, obviously hurt. I closed my eyes and shook my head. He can’t seriously think that this will continue?
“Jacob, this isn’t going to happen again. It as a mistake and…” I didn’t know what to say. He looked so hurt.
“So that’s it then?” he asked, stepping toward me, anger in his eyes. “You just come over, sleep with me, and then you want nothing else to do with me?” he asked. His hands were in fists, and I could see a vein in his neck.
“Jacob… don’t do this to me!”
“Do this to you? Bella, you’re the one trying to take off and leave like I’m just some one-night-stand!” he yelled.
I looked at him, carefully choosing my next words. “You didn’t honestly think that I would leave Edward, did you? Did you seriously think that you had won, and that was it?”
The vein in his neck went away, but his fists only got tighter. I watched his hands, the tightness of his skin pulling. He took a deep breath “Well, I guess I was wrong to think that sleeping together would ultimately end your relationship with the blood sucker. Go ahead Bella. Go ahead. Just go home, let him know what happened, and see if you get either one of us.” He turned around and went into the kitchen. I followed him.
“Jacob, Please! I just-“ Something tugged on my leg. I realized that I was hurtling toward the ground. I put my hand in front of me to hold myself up, but as I fell, my hand twisted and I ended up slipping anyway. I landed on my butt, but that’s not what hurt. It was my wrist. I gasped.
“Bella?” The anger from Jacobs voice was gone… mostly.
I moaned, holding my wrist to my chest. *edited by mod*” I mumbled. It hurt so badly.
“Bella, let me see your wrist.” He was crouched in front of me. I shook my head, but he just kept waiting. I gave him my hand and he examined it.
“Looks like it’s broken. I’ll drive you to the hospi-“ A bell went off in my head.
“No!” I shouted suddenly. He just looked at me “Don’t take me, please. I just want to get home.”
“But Bella, your wrist is-“
“I know it is but…” I didn’t know what to say. “I need to get home. I can’t let Edward know…”
His eyes darkened. He looked to the ground and studied it. He seemed deep in thought. After about ten seconds, he looked up to me. He sighed angrily, but looked to me with willingness.
“You know, you could have punched me.” he said.
“Why would I do that?” I asked. What the heck did he mean? I wasn’t punching him! If anyone deserved punching, it was me.
“I’ll take you home. You call Edward, tell him I kissed you without asking, and that you punched me.” It seemed logical, and it might have worked.
“Yes.” He said and looked back to the square tiles on the ground. “This was my fault. I kissed you without letting you have any say in it. I should have known better than to let it get this far. Come on.” He helped me up and led me to his car. We drove home in silence. I studied his phone in my hand. I can’t do it… I can’t…
“You gonna call him, or what?” he asked. He was still hurt from my words.
“What’s the point?” I asked. “Edward will read your mind anyway. It will be a dead give away, then he’ll just kill both of us.”
He seemed to ponder these words for a second before saying something. “I’ll keep my mind off of it. I’ll just think about how amazing it was kissing you, and how I don’t regret it a bit…” he seemed to let his mind drift away. For some reason, I was pretty sure that he was speaking to me, when he said that he didn’t regret it at all.
I dialed Edward’s number. You’re going to hell.
“Bella? You left your phone… I’m sorry, did Jacob drive you home?” he asked.
“I’m almost there now.” I said. “Can you come get me?”
“I’m on my way.” He said at once. “What’s wrong?” You can’t do this! It’s too terrible, just tell the truth! I decided to tell him everything. I planned the words out. I had to be brave. I opened my mouth, knowing exactly what I was about to say. I would tell him the truth.
But for some reason, that’s not what happened. Right as I was about to tell Edward everything, the lies Jacob planned with me, just slipped out of my mouth. I told him that I’d punched Jacob and broken my wrist. In response, he asked me why I had punched him.
“Jacob kissed me.” I said. Let the lies begin.
another really good chapter, you caught the emotion just right. Her hestiation and Jake's 'almost phase'. And again her deciding to tell the truth and just not managing it - it came oververy well.
As for the plot... Bella is acting horrible to both of them. It wasn't Jacob fault, she had a choice and chose to be with him. Just because it was a rash choice made on the spur of the moment doesn't make it any less her choice.
And now she walks away so harshly from Jacob and he is still helping her by lying for her. She doesn't deserve either of them - she needs a break to get her head sorted. Sorry but no sympathy.
I agree =) thank you Chris, it means a lot :)
Hope you guys like it!
Edward stared at me. How was I to explain this? Every time I thought about what had happened with Jacob and I, I always thought about how cruel he had been to trick me into something like that. I had always sided with the fact that he had manipulated into having sex with him, but when I thought about telling that to Edward… my story didn’t seem to be so innocent.
I still could have said no. I could have turned around and went straight home. Jacob would have eventually left me alone if I let him down hard enough. I was never forced into anything. Was it my mind that had played tricks on me?
No. It was me. It was just me that had slept with Jacob. It was my stupid mistake and now I had to live with the consequences. I took a deep breath.
“Edward… I don’t really know how to answer that. It just happened. I was just stupid and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Edward I’m so sorry!”
He swallowed. His eyes narrowed as he asked me “When were you going to tell me?” he was calm. He wasn’t growling, and he wasn’t throwing things around like I had expected. He just looked calmly at me, willing to talk.
I turned my eyes back to my comforter, studying the purple designs that whirled around on the sheet. Why wasn’t Edward yelling at me? It was what I deserved.
This was hard to say. “Truthfully, I hadn’t planned on it…” I wanted to look at his eyes right now. Just to see what expression he wore on his face. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bare the thought of looking up to him after owning up to what I had done.
I realized he was waiting for me to look up to him. After all I had done, he deserved to see my tears and sadness. I slowly turned to him. He held his hand across his head, as if he had a headache. His hand moved down to his chin as he stared at me. He nodded, soaking in the information. I was hurting him.
He had a confused look on his face. “You slept with him but… you planned on stay with me?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I mumbled. “Edward I’m so terrible! I’m sor-“
“Why did you stay with me?” he asked. He was still calm, but seemed confused more than anything. I wanted to answer him by saying that I loved him, but that probably wasn’t the right thing to say right now.
“Because I didn’t want to be with Jacob.” I answered honestly.
This confused him further. His eyes locked with nothing as he thought. He was trying to make sense of it all, something, not even I hadn’t seemed to achieve yet. “Why did you…” he drifted off, then picked right back up, looking at me again with a straight face. “Why did you sleep with him, if you didn’t want to be with him?” he asked.
He looked concerned, and sad. He wouldn’t let my eyes go so I looked away. I was such a coward. I realized he was holding my face up, looking into my eyes. “Just tell me the truth.” He whispered to me.
I shrugged. “Because… I don’t know why, Edward! He just kissed me, and then I kissed him back and… and we just got carried away…” he flinched.
He sat back a little, releasing my face. “That’s all?” he asked. Still no anger.
“Yes.” I cried. “Wait- What do you mean, “Is that all?’” I wondered. Was he expecting me to say that I had fallen in love with Jacob?
He shook his head. “Never mind that.” He let the thought go. What had he meant? I wanted to know.
But I couldn’t ask him. I waited for him to ask me more questions. Dreading having to answer them.
“Are you sure…?” he asked. I knew instantly what he meant. I had five pregnancy tests sitting in my sink to prove my fate. There was no going back. What was done was done.
I nodded. “I checked more than once.”
He nodded back. He seemed to grow sad as he said his next words. “I see you’ve made your choice.” He mumbled.
That burned. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I was so hurt- You deserve this! This is exactly what you’ve been preparing for all day! Though I couldn’t take it. I wanted to run from the room and hide in a deep dark hole.
“Bella, you must understand. You’re pregnant. It’s Jacobs child, and he has every right to stay with the baby.” He said.
I couldn’t take it. “Jacob doesn’t have to know!” I said.
He seemed appalled by the idea. “Bella, think of it as if it were the other way around. I’d want to know if I was going to be a father, and I’d want to be there for my child!” he spoke with a peaceful face, but a fierceness in his voice. He wasn’t angry, he just wanted me to do what was right.
“I can’t talk about this now.” I stood up and headed for the door, but before I made it out, he was in front of me.
“Bella, we need to talk about this!”
“No.” I said and tried to walk around him.
“Yes, Bella. We must talk about it.”
“I can’t!” I yelled, the tears were thick, running down my cheeks.
“We need to!” he raised his voice, stern.
“I can’t!” I repeated.
His voice was louder now. “Why not?” he growled.
I grabbed his head and kissed him. I kissed him in a way that he would never allow, harder than I had kissed Jacob a few months back. He was here, and I was here, and I wasn’t letting go. I held him there and pressed my lips to him as hard as I could. He didn’t resist or pull away. He let me kiss him, his arms around my waist as he pressed his lips to mine. We stood there, kissing. I never wanted this moment to go away…
Suddenly his lips stopped moving. He stood there, without saying a word. I wasn’t backing down.
I kissed him back even harder, molding my lips to his. He didn’t kiss me back, but he didn’t try to stop me either. He dropped his hands from my waist and looked into my eyes, finally pulling away from me. “I have to go.” He spoke softly.
And with that, he was gone.