Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
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The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
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I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
chapter 33!!! Excitement!!
I couldn’t help but feel dizzy holding Edward’s hand as we ran to La Push. I thought over the kiss over and over again in my head, playing it like a movie. I knew I needed my focus, for soon, I would be defending his family, my family, but it was hard.
We quickly caught up to the rest of the Cullen’s. Jasper suddenly held his hand out, signaling for us to stop. We all stopped and waited for what he had to say. I watched Rosalie, her beautiful curls and golden eyes. Suddenly she looked to me and saw that I was holding Edward’s hand. She rolled her eyes and turned back to Jasper.
I was suddenly stunned. Though Rosalie had said nothing, I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking about all of the terrible things I’ve done to Edward, and how I’ve brought them out here to La Push, and how through it all, I held Edward’s hand.
I was now humiliated that this family had watched me do so much damage yet got everything I wanted. I loosened my grip on Edward’s hand and took a step forward. I had to stop this.
“Ignore her.” Edward whispered into my ear as quietly as he could. He took my hand once again and watched Jasper as he revealed the details of our plan.
“Alice, Esme, Emmett, and I will come from the north. Rosalie, Carlisle, Bella, and Edward, you come from the south.” Jasper begun.
An idea popped into my head. “I should be the one to get Ryan.” I said.
“No.” Edward said immediately. “It’s to dangerous, they’ll have him guarded.” He warned.
Jasper began now. “That’s what we’re here for. The rest of us will attack the wolves, while Bella goes in, get’s him, and we’re gone.” He smiled.
“No.” Edward growled once again.
I turned to him. “I can take care of myself.” I said softly, but not angrily. The last thing I wanted was for someone else to get mad at me.
Without waiting for Edward’s consult, Jasper continued with the rest of the details, explaining when we would come in. Once he was done, we split up into the two groups and jumped high into the trees.
I had not yet climbed so high in a tree, but it wasn’t very hard. It was almost natural, swinging from tree to tree and climbing higher when I got to a tall tree. Jasper had said the taller the better, so that we could hide our scent. We had the upper advantage already, the element of surprise.
I saw Edward suddenly, jumping to trees near me, and knew he was going to argue with me. He would probably be mad that I had volunteered to be the one to get Ryan, the most dangerous task of them all.
To my surprise, he said nothing. He stayed close as if he were going to say something, but never did. Suddenly, I realized what he was doing. He was staying close to me as if to protect me. Was he going to stay with me the whole time?
But before I could have enough time to think out an answer, I smelt the scent of La Push, and heard loud screeching and howling, and knew that the first group had dropped down onto the wolves. Rosalie and Carlisle got into a crouch position near by. Edward leaped into the tree I was in and kissed me lightly on the lips before looking me in the eyes and telling me to be safe. Then, before my eyes, he let go of the tree and went down to the ground with Rosalie and Carlisle and dropped onto wolves to attack.
Nervously, I leaped from several different trees, looking down to find Jacob’s house. I found it quickly, and immediately dropped down onto the ground. It was a great distance down, though I did not stumble when I hit the ground.
I went to the back of Jacob’s house, suddenly feeling weird that I was back again. I placed my fingers on the rim of the window and pulled it out. Unfortunately, it shattered, but it wasn’t to loud, so I was able to climb into the house without anyone following me.
As silent as I possibly could, I made my way through the living room. Not a single light in the house was turned on, making it very dark. Though I could still see well. I smelt the dim scent of Jacob all around, though it was not sweet as it had once been.
Slowly, I placed on foot in front of the other towards Jacob’s room. There, I could hear a heart beating. It was a little fast, but it had to be. It just had to be.
The battle roared on outside of the house, I could hear growling and raking of claws and hissing… I tried not to picture what was going on. How would it be possible for nobody to die with that much noise?
I suddenly thought back. Had I not slept with Jacob, war would not be going on outside. It was a rattling thought.
I continued slow steps. I could hear Ryan’s hear beat, closer and closer… It was so near. I hesitated at the corner that led to Jacob’s room. I took a deep breath and braced myself. Even slower than I had already been, I took slow, patient steps toward the room, not making a sound.
I heard a low growl, near. Too near. I whipped my head around the face the beast that had growled at me but there was nothing. I must have just heard a growl from outside.
I turned back around; facing Jacobs room, and took another step. I heard the floor creak just the slightest as I balanced my weight on it. I stared at it wide eyed, but nothing happened. I took another step, this time even slower. Just a few more steps…
Suddenly, the breath was knocked out of me as I was thrown into the floor. The impact of my body tore through the floor, making a big whole. I threw my arms over myself protectively, braced for whichever wolf was trying to stop me.
My eyes grew wide as I saw a russet wolf on top of me, giving me a glare that had many hidden secret behind it.
“Jacob…” Why was I not surprised?
He would not again kill anyone else from my new family. I grunted as I pushed him off of me, struggling under his weight. I managed to throw him across the house. He crashed through a wall, making a big whole between the kitchen and the hallway. He immediately got up and threw himself at me again. I planned to avoid his jump, but he was too fast. He landed on my body once again, this time; I was thrown back even farther, grinding up more of the floor to his house. I hit the back of a wall, making it shattered and shake a little.
I reached up, trying to grab his muzzle but he only snapped his jaws at me, and raked his claws across my arm. It hurt a little, but only for a few seconds. I tried to push him off of me, but he held tightly. I decided on another strategy, and tried to crush his chest with my hands, but he only growled and bit my hand.
I growled and became angrier. I was at my weakest point. He had me pinned to the ground, and all of my strength meant nothing. The only defense I had left was to talk to him.
“Jacob, please-“ But before I even finished the sentence, he snapped his jaws at my hand and grabbed it. Fear built inside me as I tried to get my hand back. He stared at me with ferocious eyes and tore off my hand with no difficulty. I screamed in pain.
Suddenly, one of the windows to the living room crashed loudly, glass shattering everywhere. Jacob was suddenly thrown off of me and into another wall, immediately opening up the living room to the outside world. Jacob was outside somewhere, and was probably coming back to get us any second.
“Bella, are you-“ Edward gasped as he saw my hand. I looked at it in pain. My eyes widened as I saw pure diamond that had been ripped apart. Jacob would have killed me for sure.
Edward quickly grabbed my hand that Jacob had torn off and spit venom onto it. I watched in horror as he placed it back to my arm, and my skin reconnected, healing immediately. I now had a small dark line, the same that Edward had around his neck.
Jacob retaliated, and jumped back at us. Edward got up immediately and went into a fighting mode. At first, I thought Edward had slipped as he suddenly fell to the ground, then I realized that he had done this on purpose. Jacob was suddenly confused as he watch Edward fall to the ground. By the time Jacob stopped, Edward was underneath him. Edward took his chance, and reached his arms up, crushing Jacob’s chest.
Jacob howled out in horrific pain, a howl that I had never heard before. Was he going to…?
“Come on.” Edward said, grabbing my hand and jumped through a whole in the wall.
“Wait.” I said and turned around, facing the house. It did not look like a house anymore. I listened closely, and all I could suddenly hear was the small beating of an infant.
Suddenly, I heard another noise as a few pieces of the house made a cracking noise. Then before me, the roof of the house collapsed, giving out under the weight of Jacob’s ruined house.
“No!” I screamed and leaped at the house, crashing through dry wall. But I was not fast enough before the roof crashed onto me, throwing me to the ground. I got up immediately, throwing pieces of wood and furniture away from me.
“Ryan!” I screamed, but I did not hearing crying, and I did not hear the small heart beat. I suddenly realized that there was no more battling. Everyone had stopped, not making a single noise.
“Ryan!” I screamed again. Still nothing. Sobbing, I rushed over to where Jacob’s room used to be, and began throwing pieces and things out of the way. I prepared for the worst, already sobbing loudly, as I knew what I would see under all of the pieces of wall.
Gulping, I picked up a large headboard and tossed it several feet away, then looked to see the worst. I gasped.
Jacob was there, in his broken, bent, human form, lying over Ryan’s crib, protecting it from the crash. I now heard Ryan’s heartbeat and cry, muffled from Jacob’s body. Ryan was okay.
“Jacob?” I asked... no answer.
Oh you seriously shouldn't have stopped there! I need more. I cannot wait for more Jesse. Post soon.
Lauren isn't the only one hyperventerlating... that was so good. By far the best chapter.
This is the best fanfic I have ever read. I am spechless. I am literally on the edge of my seat, and I can't wait for more :D
PS: This is even more dramatic then when Bella through a rock at that fish...
an original story, like not involving Edward and Bella??? You;re giving me good ideas!! I'll try that :)))