Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Glad to hear it Ashley!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVED IT!!! IF I COULD SHOW MY ENTHUSIASIM MORE, I'D GO HIGHER THAN CAPS... WAY HIGHER!! LOL ;)
ha thanks so much Lauren! That means a lot!
I didn’t even focus on where I was going. I just ran, faster than I think anyone had ever managed. I didn’t want anyone to chase me or try to comfort me. I just wanted to get away from everything, as if none of it had ever happened.
An idea hit me as I thought of how Edward had once tried to take his life. I knew I would be stopped by the time I got to the Volturi, but there was something else, something closer.
I turned and ran as fast as I could back to the reservation. Sam was the first to notice me, giving me an evil glare, silently warning me to leave. I ran straight at him, throwing him to the ground with all the force I had.
“Bella!” Alice yelled from behind me.
Immediately, the other wolves took action and ripped me off of Sam’s body. I began to hit them, feeble attempts that were stopped. Just as I expected, one of them shifted before my eyes, and gave me an evil look. I knew they blamed me for Jacob’s death, which would only give them more reason to get it over with.
The wolf jumped at me, throwing me to the ground. I made to no attempt to try and stop him, or protect myself.
‘Bella!” This time it was Edward’s shocked voice. I heard footsteps come near. No! Leave me to die! I wanted to shout.
The others shifted as well and stopped the Cullen’s from protecting me. This would be their final attempt to save me. Soon, it would all be over.
Edward’s body hit the wolf about to take my life and knocked him off of me. Immediately, Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me up.
Before I could finish, we were running. I pulled away, but Emmett and Jasper ran beside me, blocking me from any attempt to run away. Edward quickly caught up to the rest of us, running back home.
I had thought when we left today that I would come home with Ryan.
Instead I had come home without Ryan, broken.
I fell to the ground as my knees gave way to the pain I felt. It was practically unbearable. I covered my face in my hands, not wanting anyone to see me.
“Bella…” Edward knelt down beside me, his hand on my arm. I dropped my hands from my face and stared at the dead grass all around.
Edward waved his hand for the others to go on, and silently, they did. I sat there in silence for a few minutes before Edward said something.
“We’re going to get Ryan. I promise-“
“What?” I demanded. He was silent. “Jacob’s dead! Jacob lost his life so we could get Ryan, and we didn’t even get him!” I sobbed again, suddenly in pain from the memory of seeing in motionless body.
Edward just watched in pain, no idea what to do or say…
“I just need some time alone…” I said, pulling my hands to my face again.
He lightly took my hand and pulled it from my face. He looked into my eyes, clearly seeing that I was in great pain. “I’m not going to do that, Bella.” He said.
I looked up to him, watching him, and then shook my head.
“It’s not like you ever do.” I said and stood up.
“Bella-“ he reached out to me.
I jerked away from his hand and looked into his eyes. “They won Edward.” I said. “They won.” I admitted, officially defeated.
Edward could only stand there, watching me in pain as I walked back to the house.
“Bella, we can still-“
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not risking anyone else’s life to get Ryan back. They’ve won, Edward.” I said. I turned and ran back into the forest.
I didn’t know where I was going; I just knew I needed to run. I would return home soon again, but for now, I just needed to run.
“Oh Ryan!” I whispered once I was far enough into the forest that I didn’t hear a sound. It watch pitch dark now, the dead of the night. All I could focus on was the fact that Ryan was somewhere else right now, both motherless, and fatherless, all because I had been selfish enough to try and take him all for myself.
I had once heard a saying “A selfish man is a thief,” I had just never truly understood it until now.
All of this time, I had done selfish things; I had been a thief, just taking and taking. I took a second life when I didn’t deserve it, I took Edward back when he shouldn’t have forgave me, and then I tried to take my son back, though I was to terrible of a person for me to deserve him either.
And last of all, I was such a thief, that I had taken Jacob’s life, which could not be given back. I was a selfish person, and I was a thief. When will the torture end? Will it ever…?
“I’m telling you, I smelt something. It smelt like a leech.”
“I still don’t smell anything! May be we should-“
I know what I smelt!” I said angrily. “Let’s split up. I’ll prove to you that I smelt a leech.” I said, suddenly excited. I couldn’t wait to kill the leech trespassing onto our territory. He would get it for sure, and then, I could show Brett the dead bloodsucker, full with pride. I puffed my chest out, ready to kill.
“Fine.” He mumbled and went south.
“Good luck.” I muttered, though I didn’t mean it.
I made my way through the trees easily, running toward the scent. It wasn’t one I had smelt before, though I had never come into contact with a leech before. I knew what it was though- Sam had told me specifically that it was the most disgusting thing I would ever smell.
Suddenly, the scent was closer, and I knew I was near. I clenched my fists, in the position to shift, and kill.
“Hello Ryan.” A quiet voice whispered. I froze.
I crouched down, feeling the wolf in me.
“Wait- Now you don’t want to do that.” I now realized that it was the voice of a woman.
“Come out, you coward!” I yelled at the leech. I tried not to be too loud, because I was going to kill this monster, not Brett.
The lady stayed up in the trees where I couldn’t see her.
“I’ve been watching you for a long time, Ryan. I’m proud of you- you’ve truly become a strong alpha.” She said.
Since my father had died 16 years ago, protecting me from a house collapse, I had been taken under the care of Sam Uley. I never knew my father, but I knew that he was a good guy, unlike the disgusting leeches that infested this earth.
Sam’s imprint, a girl named Emily, had been killed by those evil bloodsuckers long ago, so Sam stopped believing love, and never had any children, but me. Making me alpha. When I thought about how I was alpha, and that Brett wasn’t I smiled.
“Who are you?” I growled, ready to shift any second.
The woman laughed quietly to herself.
“Really Ryan- I’m proud of you. So proud- that I want to make a deal with you.”
“I make no deals with leeches.” I growled. “Come out!” I added, hearing my voice echo through the trees. I wanted to check and make sure Brett hadn’t followed me, but I didn’t want to lose focus. I was going to kill this bloodsucker, and then I would truly be alpha.
“Here’s my deal- I’ll tell you who I am. I’ll tell you all about me. I just need a favor from you, my dear Ryan.” She said. I heard a smile on her face. I did not trust her.
“I will make no deals with you, you evil-“
“Fine. Let me explain who I am, then you can decide if you want to make the deal with me.” She suggested.
I crouched down and curled my hands. I began to shake as I felt the wolf begin to come out.
“Wait!” the bloodsucker piped and placed her hand on my shoulder.
I backed away from her touch immediately. “Don’t touch me, you beast!” I spit and looked around angrily.
“Where are you?” I demanded.
“I mean no harm, Ryan. I only want to talk to you.” The leech said.
I growled, crossing my arms. That beast touched me!
I heard her chuckle. “Tell me Ryan, how have you been lately?”
“What’s it to you?’ I growled.
Finally, she made her way out of the thick bushes and trees, and showed herself. “”I’m your mother, that’s what it is to me.” She smiled.
I wanted to throw up. Sam had told me about my mother leaving my father long ago to be with a bloodsucker, and how she changed into such a beast. I only growled louder with anger.
“Don’t get angry Ryan, please.” She said, wanting to clam me down. I stared at her red eyes, disgusted. People had died to support those eyes… innocent people…
“You’re disgusting. You’re lucky I don’t kill you!” I threatened.
“But you won’t.” she smiled, “Because you and both know you wouldn’t kill me, knowing you’ve never had either of your parents.” She smiled a sly smile, knowing she had me.
I was suddenly angry, because she was right. Though I did want to kill her simply because I knew she was responsible for my fathers death. Should I kill her?
“Now that you know who I am, I would really like to get to know you. But first- I have a proposal. I understand you want the Cullen’s dead, correct?” she asked.
I put my guard back up, ready to shift. This was a nasty trick… I could tell it was.
She smiled at my anger. “I want them dead too.” She said to me, waiting for my response.
“That’s a lie! You left my father for those bloodsuckers!” I shouted evilly at her.
“Yes.” She frowned, looking to the ground. “At the time, I made stupid decisions. But I left them long ago, and I’ve wanted them dead for a long time.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Let’s just say, I have some unfinished business with them.” She growled angrily.
I suddenly believed her. She had that evil look of wanting to kill, right in her eyes. I knew that look well; I saw it in Sam’s eyes when he spoke of the Leeches.
“I need your help though, Ryan. If you can convince your pack to come along, I can have an army, that combined with your pack, will be stronger than 30 Cullen’s.” she smiled evilly.
I hesitated, watching to see if it was a trick. I wanted to deny her and kill her already, but I couldn’t help but see that look in her eye, that declared she really did want the Cullen’s dead. Besides, how often did I get a chance like this? I could finally take down the enemies that were responsible for my father’s death, and maybe, just maybe, I could make bring myself to forgive my mother. Maybe.
“Come on my son, please help me. I am your mother, and I would never lie to you. Please, see that.” She begged, pleading in her eyes.
I could not deny her wishes. It was too tempting! We both wanted the same leeches dead!
I smiled. “Alright, mother.” I said the second word bitterly.
An evil smile crossed her face as I became excited. Finally, after all these years of hearing of these evil Cullen’s I could finally see them, and take the pleasure in taking their lives. I wanted to go for the one named Edward. I made plans of beheading this leech I had heard so much of, how terrible he was.
My mother smiled at me. “Thank you, Ryan. So, tell me about yourself.” She smiled, the evil still clear on her face. I was cautious, still not sure if I could fully trust her.
I was honestly curious about her, since she was the only parent I had left. I looked at her briefly. She was tall, not too tall. She was pale and had dark red eyes as all leeches did, and had curly, long, bright orange hair. It almost looked as if her hair were on fire.It almost hurt to look at her hair... it was so orange like fire!
I realized then, I had defiantly inherited my looks from my father.
My father... I couldn't wait to avenge him...
I'll update as fast as I can.
This can't be happening .... Don't fall for Victoria's tricks Ryan......