Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
This is sooo not boring me
This is AWWWWESSOOOMMEEEEE
Chapter 3- This was kind of hard to write so don't be so hard :)
Madly, I began to run again. I ran as fast as I could, trying to get away from the voices in my head. This is just a dream… this is just a dream…
Bro, this isn’t a dream. Would you stay still so we can find you?
It was Rahul’s voice that I heard now. I froze again and looked all around, but didn’t see him. I made sure to keep my eyes up so that I didn’t see… Paws again.
I began to hear footsteps from a distance. There were several sets of them, and they were heading my way. With wide eyes, I ran away from them. I ran as fast as I could, surprisingly not running into trees.
Ryan, stay still.
Now it was Sam’s voice. I didn’t want to listen, I just wanted to keep running, but for some reason, I felt some instinct that told me to listen to him. It was Sam after all. I could trust him. He would be able to help me get back to normal…
I stopped and looked around again. The footsteps came closer and closer until a large pack of wolves made them selves clear. I eyes widened in fear at the wolves. They were huge!
I turned around and began to run again, hoping to get away from the large monsters. Suddenly, one of them jumped on me, pinning me to the ground. I tried to yell out, to beg for mercy, but all that came out was a bark.
Ryan, it’s me, Sam. Calm down, and I’ll let you go…
I was still screaming within my head. Where was Sam? I heard his voice, but he was nowhere to be in sight. I searched with my eyes, but I couldn’t move much with the giant wolf on me.
Ryan, I am Sam. Look at me…
I desperately looked around, searching. Sam could see me, but I couldn’t see him. Where was he? If he didn’t come quickly enough, this wolf would hurt me!
Ryan! It is I! Look at the wolf!
Not wanting to, I looked at the wolf pinning me to the ground. It looked nothing more than a wolf, until I noticed the wolf… had Sam’s eyes.
What did you do with Sam? I tried to yell at him, but again, only a bark came out.
My head flipped around as I noticed a light tan wolf standing beside me now. I struggled even more to pull myself free, but the wolf holding me down was strong, and I was weak compared to it.
Ryan? It’s me Daisy. The tan wolf said. I noticed then that the tan wolf had both Daisy’s voice, and her eyes. No! They had gotten to Daisy too!
No Ryan, It’s me… Don’t be afraid. It’s me. She said calmly, looking into my eyes. Finally, I settled down and stopped struggling. With that, the wolf climbed off of me and stood beside Daisy and looked at me. The wolf that had been on me was a huge, black wolf. He had anger in his eyes, and just the look of him was frightening. He had to be the leader of these wolves.
That’s right Ryan, I am the leader, but not for that much longer… Said the black wolf with Sam’s voice. I realized then that his eyes looked a lot like Sam’s.
I stood up and looked at the other wolves, staying behind watching everything. What was going on?
Ryan, It’s us. You don’t need to be afraid. We’re going to explain everything to you. The tan wolf said. I felt the erg to trust her, not only did she have Daisy’s voice, but she was calming, and it didn’t sound like she would attack me like the black wolf did.
The black wolf took a step toward me. It took all I had not to try and run again, but his eyes were threatening, and I knew that if I ran, he would catch me and attack me again.
Ryan, the black wolf spoke to me, yet his mouth didn’t move. How had I heard him?
Ryan, you can hear me because we can read each other’s minds. We all can. He spoke, motioning to the other wolves staying behind. He turned back to me. Try to read their minds. He ordered me.
Not believing him, I turned around anyway and stared at the other wolves. One of them, a black one, shifted uncomfortably. I looked at them, trying to focus on them individually.
The first one was a brown wolf, no special color, just brown. I focused on looking at him carefully.
Hey Ryan! It’s me, Cody! He thought happily. I jumped back, alarmed.
Go on, Sam ordered me. Shaking a little, I sat back down and looked at the next one. This one was brown as well, exactly like the other one.
It’s me, Cody’s brother, Brandon. He nodded his head to me casually, then, ducked his head in a sign of respect. I briefly wondered why he had done it, but moved on to the next wolf, the black one.
As I looked at him, he shifted uncomfortably once again, as if my presence bothered him. I studied his brain, but all I saw was random images of different places in the forest.
Brett. Sam growled at him.
The black wolf in front of me made eye contact with me now. I’m Brett. He thought, and then began to picture more parts of the forest. A little confused, I moved onto the last wolf. He was a gray wolf, with a white stomach.
He squared his shoulders, and looked me in the eye. I’m Rahul. We didn’t talk much on the res, but I think we’ll get to know each other well. He thought, and once again, ducked his head In respect. I began to wonder if it was some sign, so I sucked my head as well.
He looked confused that I had done that, but thought nothing towards me. I was suddenly embarrassed. I knew nothing about all of this, and I was doing everything wrong.
Ryan, they’re dipping their head’s in respect to their new alpha. Daisy thought to me. I turned back around to the tan wolf.
Was it possible that everyone really was a wolf? I wondered.
Yes. Sam thought. We all are, and there are more to come.
Again, I was caught off guard that he ha heard my thought something that until now, had been a personal thing that only I could hear.
You’re going to have to get used to that. Sam thought to me. As you can heal all of their thoughts, they can all hear yours.
I was suddenly embarrassed. Could they hear every thought I had ever had? I looked to the ground in frustration, not wanting them to know about Beth and I meeting up late every night.
Sam chuckled, and I suddenly became more embarrassed.
We can only hear your current thoughts, which means it would be a good idea to begin practicing hiding thoughts that you don’t want us to hear. Sam thought.
I sighed and began to think of other things, trying to keep my mind off Beth. It was suddenly an impossible task, now that I knew they were watching everything in my brain.
Come, Sam ordered. I’ll show you around while we tell you about everything.
I was suddenly relieved that I would finally have everything explained. I needed to know what was going on, and why I had paws.
Still avoiding the sight of my furry legs, I followed Sam through the forest. At first, we walked, but then he began to run, fast. I didn’t think I could catch up with his speed, but Daisy nudged me encouragingly, so I followed. Surprising myself once again, I caught right up to Sam, running faster than I’d ever went in my life.
Running was exhilarating. The wind hitting my face normally would have hurt, but it didn’t. I was running so fast… I suddenly couldn’t wait to show Beth what I could do.
Sam stopped by an oak and looked at me. It took strength to stop right where I was. Once I had stopped, I waited for him to further explain what was going on. The others stood near, watching curiously.
You will not tell Beth. You won’t tell anyone unless that person is a wolf as well. You can’t tell, show, or even hint around that you are a wolf to anyone else. Do you understand, Ryan? Sam asked, seriously.
I was suddenly upset. Why not? I asked.
Others aren’t supposed to know. Daisy thought from behind me. Even your closest friends can’t be trusted; it’s just safe not to tell.
I tried to think of an excuse, something that could back me up, but found nothing.
Will I be… human again? I thought to Sam.
Yes. All you have to do is imagine being a human, and you’ll shift back, and vise versa.
I thought of how painful it had been shifting to a wolf, and suddenly didn’t want to be human again.
That won’t happen again, it’s only the first time that you are caused pain in sifting. Sam told me, and I suddenly wanted to go back to being human. Curiously, I closed my eyes and thought of being human…
No, don’t just now. I still need to tell you some important things. Sam thought.
Should have went ahead and let him shift… Brett thought angrily.
Brett, that’s enough. Sam growled at him. He turned back to me. First of all, when you shift back into a human… your clothes don’t stay with you. You tear them apart when you turn into a wolf. He said.
I sat there for a couple seconds. How would I turn into a human again if I didn’t have any clothes on? Again, I didn’t want to be human again.
We have clothes scattered about the place, in various places. Brandon thought. I turned around to him, and saw images in his head of pairs of pants hidden under bushes and by trees. We have some shirts too for er… Daisy. He thought awkwardly and then thought back to the places they had hidden pants.
Daisy rolled her eyes. Oh grow up you guys! She thought.
Suddenly, I understood, and like the others, felt awkward.
Anyway, Sam began, Incase you haven’t figured out, you’re a wolf now.
I shivered. A werewolf… I thought madly.
Well… more of a shape shifter, but you’ve got the right idea. Brandon thought.
I looked up to Sam then. But… Why? I didn’t understand why I had been turned to a wolf. Was it some punishment for something I had done, or had the others done this to me for some reason?
It’s in our genes. Sam responded. We do have a purpose. See, whether you are in wolf or human form, you are now a lot stronger, and faster than any human on this earth, and there’s a reason for that.
I waited; ready for any explanation he gave to me.
Not everyone on this earth is human, Ryan. There are some out there, monsters, that survive by drinking the blood of others… they are evil, and they must be killed. Sam warned me, fury in his eyes as he explained the evil.
So… like… vampires? I wondered.
Yes. They are vampires Ryan, and they must be stopped. He suddenly growled, fury pulsing within him. I could hear the anger in his thoughts, feel it.
Maybe I should finish telling him… Daisy thought, stepping up to him.
With that, Sam ran away with great speed. After a few seconds, a felt a strange feeling in my head as Sam’s thoughts suddenly went away. What was wrong with him?
You’ve heard of Emily? Daisy asked. I nodded to her, and she went on. One of those bloodsuckers killed Emily, before we were born. He still isn’t over her…. He imprinted on her. She thought sadly.
What? Imprint…? I wondered curiously. She shook her head.
I’ll explain that later. Anyway, as he was saying, these vampires are very strong, stronger than any human. The only thing stronger than a vampire is us… a werewolf. We are born, so that we can kill vampires.
I nodded, enjoying the story.
She continued on. There are some out there that feed off of animal blood instead of humans so that they can be good, but don’t be fooled! They are just as evil! She warned her eyes wide.
Why don’t we go kill them now? I wondered, standing up suddenly, Adrenaline and anger pulsed through my veins as I thought of Sam’s loss, and how evil these creatures were.
She frowned. Because we have a treaty. It’s stupid, but we have made a treaty with local vampires. As long as they don’t trespass on our land, they won’t go on ours. It was broken a long time ago, but they came back and settled it since then. I personally think they should have been killed the first time they trespassed, but that’s just me.
I looked at her curiously. What did they trespass for? I wondered.
Daisy looked to the others, wonder in her eyes. Should we tell him? She wondered. Hey, I can hear you now remember! I said. So why did they pass onto our territory? I wondered.
Daisy looked to the ground for a couple seconds before finally looking at me.
Because of you. She said. A shiver rattled down my spine as I suddenly realized there was a lot more story to be heard.