Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
I realize that I don't comment a whole lot but I enjoy reading each chapter that you write. The way you make the characters come to life and draw me into to the story like I am really there is amazing.
If taking a break is what you need to do, then I will patiently wait as long as needed until you are ready to write again.
I'm sure that several others feel the same way.
Aww that means more than you know Patricia.
You guys are the reason I've come back, I have to finish this story.
Again, thank you so much. Everyone of you rock!
Omg that was great srry took a while was busy but if u need the break then I'm waiting patiently I hope ull b back soon. :'(
Thank you Yesenia! I'll update asap.
I'll let you know! :D
OMG!!! NOOOO!!! Why would he do that?!! I really hate Brett!!! Awesome chapter though!!! I loved it and can't wait for more!!!
Thank Rachel! Everyone who reads says they hate Brett, I guess that means I'm writing him in character... that's good. lol, thanks for the awesome comment. I'll update you when the next chapter is up. Sorry if it takes a while.
yay :) i cant wait to read the next chapter
Thank you Amethyst! Glad you're excited!
I really meant to post soon, but things are so busy lately...
I've got most of the chapter written. I'll post it as soon as I've got it done.
Sorry for the wait. =)
I struggled with all my might and tried to gain the strength I needed to save the both of us, but it was to no avail. I was powerless against Aaron’s body holding me down. I normally could have taken him, but after all of the fighting and worrying I’d done today, my body was pretty warn out.
I’d heard many times that when something important to you, more important than breathing, was getting hurt, you could suddenly find the strength to move whatever object blocked you from them. I’d heard of moms lifting cars to save their children, when realistically they couldn’t really do something like that. I thought briefly that I would be able to do that, but I still lay weak under Aaron’s mighty weight.
I hollered out in pain, not physically, but mentally, for Molly. I saw her panic stricken eyes as Brett dragged her across the ground forcefully, torturing her to her death. No, Was all I could think. This isn’t happening. This is all a dream… It has to be-
Right as I thought it, my mother suddenly slammed into Aaron, probably using all of her might. I knew that it took her a lot of effort because the crashing sound they made when they hit was unbearably loud. I heard the bones in Aaron’s body as they crumbled under the pressure.
Brett suddenly looked up from Brett, distracted by another person’s presence. In that second, I leapt onto Brett, pushing off of the ground as hard as I could with my legs. As I hit into Brett, I bit down into his muzzle, leaving my mark forever.
He wined noisily as he fell to the ground, attacked. Before he even lay to the ground, I raked my teeth into his neck, not letting a second go to waste. From the corner of my eye, I watched my mother keep Aaron down with no effort. For a split second, I thanked her in my head, not wanting to imagine what the scene what look right now had she not come.
I dug my teeth into Brett’s neck even deeper, and slung him across the ground. Everything he wanted to do to Molly, to Beth, to my life, I was now doing to him. This was what he got for taking my pack, for taking my leadership, and for attempting to take my pride.
Brett now lay motionless on the ground, his neck bleeding. I immediately went to Molly, scared of what I might see. Before I got to her, my legs crumbled below me as a wolf leaped onto my body. I swatted my paws around, trying to fight back but Brett held me down once again.
As I struggled, I suddenly heard a small whimper. It came from Molly, who was lying in a pool of her own blood. With that, I’d had enough. I leaped into the air, throwing Brett off of me. He got right back to his feet, but not in time. I hit into him again, putting forth much of my force. I thrust him into a tree, knocking it completely to the ground. Brett did not get back up this time.
I felt as if I knew exactly what hell would be like as I watched Molly groan quieter and quieter. My mother went to her, shaking her very lightly. She tried to get Molly up, but she did not respond. She must not have even been conscious. I looked back to Beth, but she was also unconscious. I shook my head, unable to believe all of the events taking place. It was too much; too much fighting, too much hatred and lies, so much desire and want. Why couldn’t we all just be happy with what we had and be friends with everyone?
As I dozed off into my thoughts, Aaron leapt onto Bella’s back, bringing her down at the same moment that I was thrown down as well. As Beth and Molly just lie there, my mother and I were both attacked, and were both drained from energy.
I struggled, still putting up the best fighting I had, but it wasn’t much.
Give it up, Ryan. Brett growled by my ear, his growls meant to intimidate me. I pushed as hard as I could, but was still unable to get him off of me. I switched to a more desperate attempt and being to howl madly. I knew it was ridiculous, but I had no other choice.
As loudly as I possibly could, and with all that I had, I managed to howl several times before Brett pushed my muzzle into the dirt.
Your weak pack isn’t going to help you; they’re all dead. Brett growled, angry as ever. I shook my head, not giving up. I thought of my dad. I didn’t know him, but he would probably say something like ‘There’s still a fight in you… use it. For your family.
I had a fight in me… it was there. But it felt physically painful to find it. I dug my claws into the dirt, pushing my body with what little energy I had left. I could do this; I can fight Brett off. He will not take my pack and my family…
I suddenly looked when I heard Aaron yelp. My mother had her teeth anchored into Aaron’s neck, holding him tightly around the neck. I realized she was spitting venom into him, and shivered. The thought absolutely repulsed me, and for a second I forgot she was my mother. But I had amore pressing topic to focus on; Brett.
Getting the idea from Bella, I turned my muzzle as far as I could toward Brett’s paw and dug my teeth in. He yelped and pulled away, but I only bit down harder, not allowing him his paw back. In the same second he leaned down to tear my face off, I leapt at him and pushed him into the dirt.
Bella slung Aaron’s dying body into a bush and picked up Molly with no effort, all in only one second. She ran away in super fast speed, carrying with her my meaning for life.
I became too distracted watching Molly being carried away, that I had forgot for just a second where I was, and what I was doing. Brett flung me off of him and threw my body into the dirt. My breathing was so heavy that my chest began to hurt from trying to support all of the air.
I continued to push on though. I leapt up, aiming for Bret’s throat, when he suddenly pushed me back to the ground. I was surprised then, that he was suddenly over powering me. I hadn’t expected it at all.
Perfect example. Brett growled, a small string of saliva hanging from his vicious jaw, his teeth anchoring out. This is why I am true alpha. I’m stronger. He grabbed my neck with his jaws and thrust me away from him, but returned in an instant.
I’m faster… He towered over me, his golden eyes challenging me to say a thing. And I’m better than you. He said, sure of everything he said to me.
Enough. I had enough.
I don’t know where it came from, but I suddenly felt as if I had gained all of my energy back. I felt powerful and unstoppable. Even if I could be defeated, it wouldn’t be by Brett.
I pushed off of the ground and grabbed his throat once again with my powerful teeth, giving Brett, no mercy. He growled and threw his claws around aimlessly, but he was suddenly powerless against my strength.
When I finally let go of his throat, blood was tinkling down onto the dirt ground. He dark eyes were still alive, but slightly more motionless.
You will NEVER be alpha of my pack. I howled and tore into his neck again, proving to Brett that I was alpha, and always would be.
I am sooo sorry that it took so long, and I apologize in advance for any errors/mistakes.
It's been hard to find time to update.
I hope you guys like it, really :) Sorry for the wait.
Thanks! That's sweet :) I'll probably update by Friday, or at least that's what I'm hoping for.
Thanks for the comment!