Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
I lifted my immediately to the scent of leech. Though I was completely worn and tired, I was not done fighting. From a distance, I could still hear the battle roar on, the battle was not yet done.
I turned around furiously just in time to see a flash of red hair fly through the air. Irritably, I chased after Victoria leaving Aaron and Brett’s managed bodies on the ground to rot. Though I couldn’t help want to stay with Beth. I worried about her as I always did, but I would be right back for her. First I needed to make sure that my mother and Molly were in safe hands. I silently apologized to Beth as I went off.
I ran to Victoria in seconds, expecting her to either fight me, or try to make a sly deal with me as she usually did, but she kept going. I chased her madly, but had a hard time keeping up with her, swinging from the trees.
I wanted to yell at her and just get her to come down and face reality, but I wasn’t shifting back to a human, I wasn’t an idiot. Instead, I barked up at her, but she only moved quicker. Where was she-
Then I got it. When I looked back down to ground level, I saw my mother carrying Molly in her arms at a very high speed, just less then a half a mile away from me. I howled out madly, desperate for her attention. The very second she turned around to see me, Victoria sore down from the trees, aiming right at my mother and Molly.
I leapt at Victoria mid air as quickly as I could, and stopped her from hurting my family. I knocked her to the ground and growled at my mother, urging her to go on with Molly. She took off with her, no longer being chased by Victoria.
“You’re too stupid for your own good. How can you trust anyone, anymore?” Victoria asked with her small squeaky voice. The sound of her talking made me want to throw up, but I resisted the urge. Now I had a chance to finally get my revenge and I wasn’t going to let it go.
Victoria laughed, loudly. It took me off guard just the slightest at how loud she laughed, as if she were insane. “Your own pack abandoned you!” she scoffed, then grinned evilly. “Your weak. Just like the girl who begged for her death”
I wanted to go ahead and kill her, but her words sent a chill down my spine. Who was the girl she was talking about? I struggled to think of all the legends I’d been told, but couldn’t remember any story about a girl wanting to die… Had my mother…
She laughed insanely again. “You’re so naïve, Ryan.” She said, and just like that, I lost my chance. Victoria threw me 20 feet up at a tree, bending it right it half. I sat up and chased her without even shaking off the leaves and splinters.
In seconds, Victoria had already caught up to Bella. I chased her, but she was fast, probably the fastest leech I’d seen. Before I caught up to her, Victoria jumped onto my mothers back, throwing Molly’s body forward a few feet. I winced when I heard her whine quietly, unable to move.
Victoria grabbed my mother by the leg and slung her across the forest, then got to her again before she had a chance to stand back up. I pushed off of the ground with all my might, aiming right at Victoria. Right as I was about to hit her, I turned slightly, jutting her with my side so that she couldn’t reach my chest.
I was able to keep her onto the ground, even as she struggled, but she was nowhere near done fighting. Angrily, I leaned my muzzle down and pulled out a large chunk of her red hair. Her eyes widened and were suddenly even more fiery then her long hair.
She flipped me over, then braced her arms and immediately began choking me.
I tried pulling away, but she was too strong. Her lips stretched into a sick grin as she watched my air circulation being cut off.
My mother came to the rescue then, grabbing Victoria by the hair. Before she could retaliate, my mother wrapped her hands around Victoria’s neck, doing exactly what she’d just done to me.
I wanted to get up and help, but the lack of oxygen made me dizzy. I lay on the ground in a daze, trying to put myself together. I watched dizzily as my mother held her there, about to take her life.
“You’re weak. So weak it disgusts me!” Victoria screeched at my mother, her voice enough to blast an eardrum or two.
My mother hissed back at her, gripping her even more tightly. She pushed Victoria into the ground, only getting a better grip on her. Though I was dizzy, I was able to see that Victoria was very powerless at the moment. I smiled slightly, feeling relieved that it was finally all about to be over.
“Now, now, you wouldn’t want to kill me without knowing the truth…” Victoria smiled, only teasing my mother further. I whined back, wanting more than anything to be able to speak to my mom.
Don’t listen to her! I thought to her. She’s tricking you! She’s only going to try and kill you again! I considered shifting, but knew that in this situation, that would only lead to disaster. I stayed both in my wolf form, and on the ground. The moment I moved, the fighting would begin again, so I stayed where I was.
Victoria laughed out again, making me wonder how no one else in the forest came to see what the noise was. It sounded like a bloodsucker scratching his own teeth across a chalkboard, times a thousand. I couldn’t even begin imagine what her screaming must sound like… I shivered.
“I knocked down the house.” Victoria sang, and continued laughing again. I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand what she was talking about. But in that moment, the look on my mothers face explained it all.
The house. The one I lay in as a baby… the one that the leeches were blamed for knocking over… the one where my father used his last breath to save my life…
Victoria knocked over the house that killed my father.
In that moment, a fiery hot rage filled my bones. It was so much, no, too much. I didn’t know whether I was going to explode into a million tiny bits or if I was going to pass out from all of the anger. And to think, I’d thought this bloodsucking freak had convinced me she was my mother!
“It should have killed your weak son.” Victoria growled at my mother, angry now.
I was no longer dizzy. Not even slightly light headed anymore. I was so angry at the moment that I had enough energy to knock over the entire forest if that’s what I wanted to do. I could kill an entire army of newborns and they would fall to their knees begging for mercy. My mind was a big bowl of hot rage, and it was strong.
My mother was shocked, so shocked that she forgot where she was, or how to move. Before she could do anything about it, in less then a thousandth of a second, Victoria had her teeth out and went right for her neck.
It was only the rage that filled my veins at the moment that was enough to make me go fast enough, but I did it. I knocked Victoria right out of my mother’s shocked arms and through two trees. Entirely focused on how much power I had at the moment, Victoria suddenly threw me up into the air and ran straight for Molly.
But before Victoria had the chance to touch a fur on Molly’s body, Bella punched Victoria with everything she had. The noise was so loud; that I knew everyone had heard it. It was the sound of lightening.
Though it was only a punch, it was traumatic enough hat it made Victoria fall to the ground. My mother punched her again, this time even harder, and I knew that Victoria was in definite pain.
“You killed Emily.” My strong and powerful mom said, and punched Victoria again. “You killed my Jacob.” Again, she punched Victoria. I could see the pain in Victoria’s face, the realization that she wasn’t getting out of this one. My mother looked Victoria straight in the eyes, fury loaded within her. “But you will never kill my son.”
This time, she didn’t punch Victoria in the face. Instead, she logged her teeth within Victoria’s neck and beheaded her, disconnecting any life that was left within her.
I am so sorry if this is at all confusing guys. I'm trying really hard not to give anything away, but don't worry. Everything will be explained by the time the last chapter is posted.
If you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them without giving anything away. :)
GO BELLA!!!! its about friggin time some one killed tht b*t*h! and I so love ryan makes me want to be a wolf in this story lol :) i would listen to ryan no matter what! <3 PerciAnne
I apologize. I know I should have updated long ago, but lots of stuff is going on.
I'm going to try and update soon. Thanks guys :)
I won't :)
Thanks Kiowa! I'm going to try really hard to update today.
Great chapter! I love it! It explains so much!
At last Bella is taking charge, and now Ryan also knows the truth.
Well done, can't wait for the rest!
I like this chapter a lot because I finally got to tell you guys what I've been dying to say for so long. I'm glad you like it :) thanks
Thank you Ashley! I'll update as soon as I can!