Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Thank you Zippora! :)
I agree! Go Bells!
Way to go Bella!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great update!
Thank you Kelley! I'm updating again now!
been trying to catch up on everything i missed but i hope you update soon i love this story
I've been needing to update for a while so it's given the chance for people to catch up, i hope.
But I'm updating now :)
I'm sorry my friends. I haven't posted in months, and it feels like years. I'll see to posting soon. Sorry.
please do post soon :) pretty please with a cherry on top c:
Updating now :)
As if she had not just beheaded a bloodsucking maniac, my mother ran straight to Molly, felt for a pulse, and picked her up. I watched in amazement as she began to take off. I let out a small yelp, motioning for her attention. She turned around for just a second, and then turned right back around and continued on.
I’d always dreamed of being in a fight like this. When I stayed up late at nights thinking about Beth, I also thought about how much I wanted to be in a fight. I wanted a challenge so hard that when I mastered it, it would prove once and for all that I was the strongest alpha, and could never be brought down.
Now that that had happened, I begged for it to all go away and be a scary dream. But it wasn’t. All of this was real, and still happening, and my pack was fighting… they needed me.
I was still shaking from what Victoria had announced back before my mother had ended her life. I’d been convinced for so long that these leeches were pure evil, and lived to make others suffer and die. Some like Victoria were this way, sure, but not the ones I was connected too.
And all of this time, I’d thought that my mothers sick boyfriend had been the reason my father lost his life. I had listened to what I’d been told about that day, when everyone had been wrong. My mother had not knocked down the house, and neither had Edward. It was Vitoria. She’d been ruining my life even before I could feed myself…
The thought sickened me so much that I shook violently. It was the shake I’d get before I shifted into a wolf from anger, but I was already a wolf, so now it was just pure anger. I couldn’t have arrived at a better time, because now, I needed to get that anger out.
As I met with the battlefield where my family and foes fought, I took in the sight. It’s everything I’d ever wanted, a large field day of leeches to kill freely. It was given to me in a sick and twisted way, but it would have to do.
I leaped into the air, energized as ever and tore through every leech that got anyway near me. I was unstoppable.
Though I’d just arrived, I could already see that the fight was dying down. There were many dead bodies lying on the ground, and I hoped mightily that none of them belonged to my family.
After ripping the limbs away from a hippy looking leech, I saw Edward off to the side of the battle, surrounded by the tallest member of the Volturi, Demetri I think his name was, and the small girl with the freaky eye thing.
I raised an eyebrow for a split second. Hadn’t I killed her earlier? But as quickly as the thought had came, I let it go, knowing it didn’t matter whether I had taken her life already today or not.
I rushed over to him and immediately leaped onto Demetri, ready to take him down. Though I was completely powerful, I’d taken for granted the fact that these vampires had gifts that I was no match for.
I yelped out in pain when Demetri threw me to the ground with a small, simply swipe of his hand, but healed quickly. Demetri turned right back around to finish Edward off, as if I’d been nothing more than a mere fly to him.
No, I’d leave my mark. Until the day that his worthless life was finally taken, he would not forget the mark I would leave on him. I aimed for his feet now, prepared to take his large body down to the ground, but this time he punched me, breaking my muzzle.
Painfully, I pressed my muzzle against the ground, setting it back in place. I wanted to scream out in pain, but I kept myself from doing such a thing.
As my eye shot to Edward, in pain from the girls stare, and from Demetri, about to rip him limb from limb, a thought came to me. Molly suddenly crossed my mind, and I couldn’t help but think about how much I loved her, unconditionally. If anything happened to her, I’d have to die, there would be no choice; I couldn’t live a life of pain and grieving from her loss.
But as I thought about it, I was reminded of my mother, and the creature that lay before me, dying. Just the way Molly and I were, they were each other’s imprints. I knew they were, and just like me, neither one of them would stay on this earth if it weren’t for the other one…
If I couldn’t live without my imprint, then how could they?
I’d killed, ran, yelled, and been beaten to the ground more times than I could remember all in one day, but I still found the last bit of energy within me to save Edward… to save my mother.
I leapt onto the little girl, even through the pain she was putting me through. I smiled at the shock on her face as I leapt onto her, but her shock was swept away quickly by my fierce claws. Taking the one chance he had, Edward leapt at Demetri, now able to fight for himself.
I told my brain to help Edward fight off Demetri, incase he needed the help, but my legs were far too weak to carry me any farther. I fell to the ground, but did not try to get back up. I’d gotten back up too many times today… I just needed a break.
As my vision began to blur, I could just barely make out the image of Edward taking Demetri down. I smiled to myself, now suddenly realizing that we’d won. Finally able to rest knowing that my family was safe, I closed my eyes. I did not think about the great kills I’d had today, or the people I’ saved. All I thought of was my father, and how proud of me he must be.
I led the pack dad… I told him before I fell under to sleep. We did it… we won.
Wonderful! I'm so glad you updated again! This story is really great! Can't wait for the next installment!
Actually it's not quite over yet, Secretive will end up with 37 chapters and an epilogue.
Still not sure if I'll write another sequel.