Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
“Ryan? Ryan, please. Ryan…” My head bobbed a little as I felt the presence of many bodies surrounding me. I thrust my claws into the air, protecting myself from whatever was about to attack me, only to realize that I no longer had my claws. I peaked one of my eyes open to see if I had on pants, and thanked the heavens that I was clothed. I closed my eyes once again, wanting to go back to bed.
“Ryan? Please get up” my mothers voice said to me.
My eyes shot open immediately, taking in all that was around me. I sat up immediately, in a brief stage of shock. For just the smallest fraction of a second, I wondered why there were both vampires and wolves together, but for only a second. My memory came back to me like a dam suddenly breaking under the pressure of too much water. I fought Brett… Aaron helped Brett… Molly is hurt… I fought Victoria… My mother helped… then went after Molly… Victoria knocked down the house… She killed my father, and my mother killed her… Revenge… Molly…
“Molly!” I shouted then, my eyes very wide. A stone cold hand touched my shoulder soothingly. I jerked suddenly, and looked to my mother, who looked back at me with… eyes of sadness.
“Where’s Molly?” I said immediately, paying attention to absolutely nothing else. She sat there, saying nothing, only looking at me with that look. For a second, I didn’t say anything. Her look told me all I needed to know, but then just as suddenly as I was speechless, I suddenly had a thousand words to say all at once.
“What did you do to her? Where is she? Tell me! Where is Molly? What did you do-“ My body began to shake with my anger, the wolf in me violently struggling to tear its way out.
“Ryan!” Rahul said then, grabbing my shoulders in an attempt to steady me. He watched me with stern eyes, waiting for me to calm down. I took a deep breath and slowly felt the shake leave me.
“Just tell me straight man.” I said, looking back with pleading eyes. “Just tell me what happened.”
Rahul shook his head. “Molly is okay.”
I stared at him, not believing him at first, because that look on his face still had not left, but I realized that he would have told me if something had happened to her. I sighed in relief, so calm now that I could hardly feel the wolf in me, if at all.
“Thank you.” I said, putting my hand to my head. Alpha, what does the alpha do next? I thought, then remembered Molly wasn’t the center of everyone’s universe.
“Is everyone okay?” I asked, wiping the sweat and dirt away from my face and rubbing my hand on my pants. I looked up to Rahul then, but he was awfully focused on the ground below him, as if there were something interesting happening that no one else could see but him. “What’s wrong?’ I asked, confused now.
My mother and Daisy exchanged a quick look, one they didn’t think I would see, then turned back to me. I narrowed my eyes, frustrated at this game of not telling Ryan anything. Before I could ask another question, Bella stood up and went to Edward. I felt even more confused then.
I looked back to Daisy, and she gestured her head behind her toward something. I studied her suspiciously for another second before turning to see what it was she had gestured toward. My breath caught then, at the sight of Beth, in her human form, lying in a pile of blood. Her own blood.
“Beth.” I mumbled, hardly audible as I ran toward her. I kneeled beside her and placed my hand on her cheek, turning her head toward me. Someone had put her in clothes, but her blood had soaked them, making it look that much worse. Her leg was bandaged with a dark shirt, which was also soaked, and one of her hands was held up to her neck, hiding some other injury. I just stared, horrified, with no idea of what to say to her.
“Beth…” I said, feeling that headache you got when you tried to fight away tears that were just bound to come.
“Hey Ryan.” She said hoarsely, and then coughed. It wasn’t the kind of cough you got with a fever; it was the kind of cough that made everything stop because you just knew, that it was not a good cough.
“Oh Beth…” I said, one of the damn tears escaping out of my eye and down my cheek.
“We… beat them.” She took in a shaky breath, and I could her the catch in her chest as she struggled for air. Why wasn’t anyone helping her?
“We beat…” she tried to take a deeper breath this time, and squinted her eyes in pain.
“Don’t talk.” I said, and then turned around to Rahul. “Well? Why isn’t anyone helping her?” I asked, but every remained where they were, silent, unmoving. I growled deeply, anger pulsing through my veins once again. “Are you death? Help her! I demand you to! As alpha!” I barked, and then turned back to Beth.
“Let me see your neck.” I said to her, but she just shook her head.
“I’m fine. Don’t need…” she took a shaky breath. “Help…”
“Yes you do.” I turned back around to my pack, who still had not moved. “Get up NOW!” I screamed, trying not to change into a drawling wolf for Beth’s sake.
Beth rested her head on the ground and closed her eyes, making no noises except for the loud gasp of air she breathed out.
“No! You’re not going anywhere Beth! Stay awake!” I growled, picking her head back up off of the ground. My air was coming out in gasps now, and my anger only became worse as another tear betrayed me and escaped my left eye. I wiped it off quickly and turned back to my pack once again. Before I could scream my face off at them, Daisy spoke up.
“She won’t let us help her.” She said. “We tried, we were barely able to get that shirt on her leg… she doesn’t want help.” She said, and then swallowed nervously.
I turned back to Beth then, knowing I would have to help her myself. I shook her again to make sure she stayed awake. “We need to get you help Beth. I’m going to pick you up so-“
“I don’t need any… help.” She coughed horribly again, making me flinch.
“You don’t have a choice Beth, you need help.” I growled at her and grabbed her hand in mine. “You’re staying here, you hear me? You’re going to be fine.”
“Ryan shut up.” She growled, and then coughed again. “I don’t…” she couldn’t talk through her gasping for air. I was freaking out. I had no medical experience and my pack was not pulling through at the moment. What did it matter if Beth didn’t want any help, she was hurt enough that she couldn’t do anything about it anyway so-
Then I got it. She was hurt to the point that she couldn’t do anything to help herself. Beth was hurt so much that nobody would help her, because they knew there was nothing they could do… Beth was hurt… bad.
“No…” I whispered, holding her hand tighter. “Beth, you can’t…” I shook my head and sniffled, aware now that any tear that wanted to drop was doing so at the moment. “Please don’t do this to me Beth…” I sobbed, leaning my head on our hands.
I looked at her again, and could tell that she’d gotten worse just in the time that I’d sat beside her. I shook my head, unable to except what was happening. Beth wasn’t dying; she wasn’t lying in a pool of her own blood, gasping for air. Beth was sneaking into my bedroom window, making some smart comment about how I needed to clean my room... This was not happening. It couldn’t be.
“Beth I’m…” I stared, but my eyes were so watered that nothing was completely clear. But even through the fuzziness, my eyes could not miss the darkness of the blood on the ground. “I’m so sorry Beth. I’m sorry for leaving you… I didn’t mean to imprint on her it just… I’m so sorry for putting you through all of this. None of this was supposed to happen.”
A single tear rolled down Beth’s cheek. “Ryan…”
“No… I’m sorry. I was rude to you and all you wanted was your friend… al you wanted was your friend back and I denied you. I’m sorry for that Beth. I’m sorry for everything. I caused all of this and this wouldn’t of happened to you if it weren’t for me. This is all my-“
“I’m sorry I imprinted on her Beth. I loved. I should have told you every second that I had a chance, but I loved you. I did. And I still do. So you can’t leave me. I don’t deserve you, and I know you never want to see me again but you need to be alive. I need you to stay alive so please…”
I rested my head on our connected hands again, sobbing in denial. I didn’t want to think about which vampire, or which wolf that used to be in my pack had done this to her. Why did it always have to be fighting? What was the purpose? All of this to end up with such an innocent girl hurt, damaged, dying… I should be the one paying for all of this; it was my entire fault. Everything that had happened since my birth had been bad, and it had all been caused by my birth…
“Ryan… I forgive you.” she said hoarsely and tightened her fingers around mine. I peaked over our hands to see her smiling at me, the smile that I loved so much. “I’ll love you… no matter you do, Ryan…” she whispered to me.
Unable to help myself, I leaned down and hugged her, trying not to hug her to tightly given the situation. Nonetheless, it was still a hug filled with meaning, history… and love.
“Don’t leave me Beth…” I sobbed as I held her to my chest, hoping, wishing and praying for her to just survive. That was all I needed, was just for her to survive.
She sighed heavily, struggling to form words with her condition. I slowly rocked her, trying to sooth her in this time, even though I needed soothing as well. But I needed to be there for Beth, had to.
“Ryan…” she whispered to me. I felt her tighten her grip on me, holding me even closer with what little strength she had.
“Yes?” I asked, knowing that whatever it was she needed, I would give it to her. Anything, if she named it, then I would have it for her. If she wanted the moon itself in that moment, I literally would have tried to get it for her, even though it would have been a hopeless act.
She took in a deep breath, pulled herself so that I could see her face, and smiled at me weakly. “I’m not going anywhere…”
If you are a Selfish/Secretive fan then please take this poll. I appreciate it :) CLICK HERE TO SEE POLE
Thank you Lauren :) Ryan is a little confused, but he'll have it figured out soon, the story is soon coming to a close anyhow. Thanks for the comment :))))
I was thinking of ideas for a sequel and honestly, I feel like I'm stuck. I'll inbox you, but I'm still not sure what to do :/
Tears:( This is so sad... Poor Ryan!!!
Jesse am rocking on the floor crying. this was beautiful! if you want to catch up on through the eyes of a vampires child the link is on my page and I'd be honored to have you as a reader again!:))))
Oh no, please don't cry! I gotta stop making you guys cry :)
I've already begun to catch up and I really am liking your story. I'll try to finish it up tomorrow :)
Ha, You left me with a big cliff hanger and I couldn't help but remember how many times I've done that to you guys. Must be karma :)
Sorry if I made you cry too, I didn't mean to. Thanks for the comment Ashley, I'm updating again soon :)
So sad... What did Beth mean at the end of the chapter?