Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Beth told Ryan she's not going anywhere, she meant that she's going to be okay :)
love it! please update again soon :-)
I sure will :) I'm almost done with the next chapter already :)
I probably asked a thousand more times if Beth was sure if she was all right, but every time she insisted she was all right. Daisy and Alice finished what they could do for her wounds, and then carried her to the Cullen’s house to give her a place to rest.
I watched as they walked away, and smiled to myself a little, so relieved that she was okay. Beth really was okay. When just minutes ago I had held her in my arms, sobbing, almost sure that the words I spoke to her were the last words she would hear, and now I knew that she was going to be okay. It was so relieving that I wanted to lie on the ground and rest as well, but I had duties as alpha.
I looked around to see if anyone needed help, and stopped when I saw Edward, stiff as a statue, staring at the pile of dead bodies that both the Cullen’s and my pack had helped gather together. Everyone else had moved on, helping others with wounds and what not, but Edward remained there, staring at the bodies.
I slowly approached him, wondering if he just needed a moment of peace, or someone to talk to. I kind of hoped that he wouldn’t want to talk since I wouldn’t exactly know what to say to him, but I went anyway.
I joined in beside him and observed the bodies, thanking my lucky stars that none of them had paws, but instead were just mangled Volturi and newborn bodies.
“Victoria is dead.” I said to him, thinking that he would probably want to know. Bella…. Er my mother killed her. She’s pretty good.” I said, staring at the bodies. It was slightly strange that there was no blood; just small pieces that looked like chips of ice. I had bonded and learned to accept my vampire family, but that didn’t change the fact that vampires still grossed me out a little, I don’t think that will ever go away.
I waved my arms beside me awkwardly, wondering what else to say. “Aaron was killed too. Brett… I think he got away though. Jasper said his body was gone, and he lost his scent four miles out so…” I sighed, not allowing myself to worry about Brett. I knew that he would never come back, he knew now what power my pack and new family was capable of. If he ever did come back, it would practically be his own suicide. I still however couldn’t fully get him out of the back of my head until I knew he was officially dead.
I turned around, hoping there would be someone to help me out here. I saw Cody, his head pointed at the ground in apology just as we did when we were in wolf form. His brother, Brandon took a step toward him. I wondered if Brandon was going to hit him or yell at him for joining Brett’s pack, but I was shocked by what I saw. Brandon stepped toward his brother, and put his hand on his shoulder. Cody looked up at him, in as much shock as me. Then, all at once, they hugged, like the good old brothers they were.
I smiled to myself, glad that they were oaky, physically and emotionally. It had been pretty sad seeing the two of them split into different packs, but Cody had learned his lesson, and he had his brother back. I was glad.
I turned back to the bodies, which were still laying in the same mangled position as I had just seen them, yet Edward still seemed very interested in them.
“What are you going to do?” I asked him, hoping he would actually say something this time. Perhaps he was in a state of shock, could that happen to vampires?
But Edward did respond, luckily. “We can out them back together…” Edward mumbled, almost as if he were talking to himself rather than to me. “Or we can burn them…” he said.
A chill ran down my spine. I’d been perfectly okay with killing and burning the Volturi down to the last crumb of what they were, but I had not until now considered what that meant. The Volturi made the rules for all of the vampires; they were the kings. If they were burned... All vampires would need new kings. Which would mean…
“Well you have to burn them.” Is said, making Edward finally move his eyes away form the bodies. He looked to me, probably wondering if I realized how much impact my words truly had.
“There must be leaders… There has to be” Edward said, shaking his head as if in the biggest pickle of all time. I guess he kind of was.
I shrugged, as if it weren’t as hard as he was making it out to, because now that I thought of it, it really wasn’t. “Who better to make the new leaders?” I suggested, wondering how this would settle with him.
He looked to me again, this time with some kind of look in his eyes. I couldn’t really define it, but I’m pretty sure it was a good kind of look.
“Leaders that aren’t evil.” I continued. “Leaders that don’t harm the innocent. True leaders…” I stopped then, wondering if what I was talking about was far from even being possible. I’d been told about the Volturi when I first turned to a wolf, but obviously I didn’t know as much about them as I thought I had. There were still many things to learn about the vampire world.
I sighed, and then turned away, assuming I had probably just embarrassed myself talking about all of that nonsense. I needed to move on and check on the rest of the pack.
I looked around again, and stopped when I saw Molly. I smiled a little, and blushed, then prayed silently that I wouldn’t embarrass myself again. I opened myself to say something, but ended up gasping when I noticed her cheek was bleeding.
Immediately, I ripped a piece of from the pants I was wearing, careful not to rip too much, and softly pressed it to her cheek. For a moment, without saying a word, we just looked into each other’s eyes. The moment was over as soon as it had started however, and Molly blushed so hard that she almost matched the blood that oozed from the small scratch on her face. She was breath-takingly adorable.
She looked to the ground then, the smile wiped clean from her face. She bared a sad look now, which of course concerned me.
“I’m sorry I took Beth away from you.” she said, studying the grass in front of her. I flinched when I saw a tear shed from one of her eyes and begin to make its journey down her beautiful cheek. I felt absolutely horrible in that moment, so much that it hurt in my chest, for making Molly cry.
I shook my head, knowing that this was anybody but Molly’s fault. “You didn’t take Beth away from me.” I told her, and she looked up to me with her cute, watered down eyes. “You gave me something better.”
She stared at me, as if debating whether to break down and cry or… I couldn’t tell. She had this anxious look about her, like she wanted today something, but decided against it.
I held my hand out to her, hoping she would take it. I loved Beth, I did. I had always loved Beth in a way, but I had never truly realized until what love really was. I loved Beth as a friend, but I loved Molly as a best friend. A best friend that I wanted to stay my best friend until the day I died.
Then, just as I had hoped, she took my hand in hers. I pulled her up carefully, wiped the scratch on her cheek with the piece of cloth one more time, and began to walk toward the pack with her. Making me smile like a small child in front of a Christmas tree filled with many wonderful presents, she didn’t let go of my hand. She kept her hand in mine, and I knew that the most beautiful girl in the world was mine. It was a feeling that could not be explained with words.
As we walked, I turned to see if Edward had moved even an inch. Both Molly’s eyes and mine widened, as we watched him throw a lighter into the pile of bodies, choosing to forever end, the life of the undeserving Volturi family.
I opened my mind so that Edward could hear my thoughts and said to him Good Choice.
Edward turned back around toward me as the flames roared on, engulfing the Volturi once and for all. He nodded, as if to thank me for talking to him before, and suddenly, I didn’t feel so stupid for suggesting it in the first place. I couldn’t believe it. My vampire family, the ruler of all vampire families…
I realized then, for the first time that I was proud of them. I’d been taught to hate all vampires, especially the ones that were related to me, and yet, now here I was, smiling about how proud of them I was. Walking with my love in hand, after fighting along side my family. And best of all, I was proud to have them as a family of mine, even if they were vampires.
Authors Note: There are only 5 chapters left and an epilogue, so sadly, we must prepare for the end of Secretive. I would like to ask though, if you would take the time to take this short poll, it would mean a lot. Thanks guys!!! :)
Not may, but will be. The Cullen's just killed off what was the Volturi, they have no choice now but to step in their shoes :) *Excitement*
It's okay. I say things out loud sometimes when I read your story, then I look around awkwardly to see if anyone heard my mini-rant. In fact, I think everyone in this group would agree that they do this.
Thanks for the wonderful comment! I'll be putting up more as soon as I can get it on here... I just have to write it first. :)
Great chapter! Beautiful scene with Ryan and Molly! It explains so much. I also like the interaction between Ryan and Edward where they have to decide what to do. One can see that they really learned to respect each other and can now work together as equals. Ryan is really coming into his own, and Edward also turned a corner with his help. The reconciliation scene between the twins Brandon and Cody is also very touching. Can't wait to read the rest of the story!
See Seugnet, every time I have a doubt about my story, it's like you just know what it is, and you reassure me. I've spent many chapters trying to slowly connect the two, (Edward and Ryan) but wasn't very sure if I had done just that yet, and your words have calmed me down a bit. So thank you for that, thank you for all of the times that your words have not only put a smile on my face, but relief in my brain as well :)
I really feel sorry for Molly and her cheek,but i still LOVE it.
Aw thanks Azaria :) And Molly's cheek will be okay :)