Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Leah proceeded to have the baby, but Sam didn't want anyone knowing who's baby it was, so he had Paul and Rachel take care of the baby. Thanks for the comment, and again I'm sorry it took so long.
You know what? I couldn't agree more. Ryan has become much stronger and more mature through this process, and he deserves it so much more than Sam ever will. I was a little hesitant at the beginning of Secretive, making a new character and all, but now I'm super glad I did it :]
Jesse you're so good about your updates my updates are always crappy and late! Ugh i need to get working on that. I loved the update! Its amazing. I didn't think it was Rachel.
I haven't updated since August, don't worry I'm bad about updating too. And I'm even worse about keeping up with all of the stories I'm reading, so I apologize for that. Being so close to the end of the story though, I really need to update, so I'm going to work on writing tonight, while I'm still thinking about it. :)
I have read the entirety of this story in one sitting. The plot is so addicting. The characters are addicting.
You are a fantastic writer. Please update soon! :)
I feel bad now. There's only one chapter left! :) I'll work on it so you can see how it ends, I promise! :D
can't wait to read your next chapter....i have read this story since you started writing it and i love it.
I truly appreciate it with all of my heart :)
I crept quietly, the souls of my feet hardly making any noise as they carried me to my destination; away from here. Once I was far enough away that the voices of the victorious were silent, I began to run. Even with all the fighting and destruction that had occurred lately, this was still the fastest I'd run in my existence. It was faster than any human would ever go, no matter how badly they craved it, but it still didn't feel like enough, for it wasn't a human I was running from.
I knew that if there were a living heart in my chest, it would be thumping with nerves now, Even after all of these years I could still remember what it felt like to have a thumping so loud you could feel it in your ears. I still sometimes even felt odd not having the feeling in nervous situations, like now for example.
The wind forced my hair to blow back, leaving an obvious scent behind me with every step I took. This would never work if I kept running. I needed to do more. I needed to climb.
With that I leapt into a nearby tree, then into another one. I knew the trees would slow me down a little, which was unwanted, but if it hid my scent then that wouldn't really matter so much. I continued from tree to tree, keeping my hair tucked into the back of my shirt to keep away falling cells that would reveal my presence. There was nothing-
I stiffened the way a dead cat would mid jump. As I landed upon another tree, I froze, holding myself to the branch as if it were a dying friend. I stopped breathing, not allowing even the slightest movement from my body. I was not hanging on to the tree, I was the tree. Just part of a tall tree, left to be unnoticed. That was all that I was.
Several minutes of pure silence passed by, only the sound of nature taking its course hit my ears. perhaps I was just hearing things? Did vampires hear things? Was it actually possible for a dead lifeless creature that never matures or changes to become insane? No, I wasn't insane. It had probably been a squirrel, or a deer or... something else. It had to be something else.
Sighing, as I reassured myself that no one had followed me up to this point, I dropped to the ground as easily as I human could drop from just a few mere inches. I still waited cautiously once I had returned the forest floor before taking off once again to my destination, which was anywhere but here.
I tried to distract myself from the animal I'd heard running, but it was all I could think about. It had run so fast, so swiftly. It's breathing had remained regular even as it ran at such a fast speed... But it was just a deer. That's all that it was. It was a deer trying to trick me into thinking that I was being followed...
Except that it hadn't been a deer. I'd known that from the second I'd heard the sound that it wasn't a deer. And it definitely hadn't been a squirrel. It was someone, not a human, but a creature that could somehow match the speeds at which I was going.
Though it wasn't really so, my stomach began to feel sick as I froze once again. I needed to get back into the trees. Perhaps stay there for a while until-
I heard the running again. My eyes widened as my brain racked for something to do. I can't run to the left, not to the right, and not toward them. The only way to go was up.
It only took me a thirteenth of a second to decide to retreat back to the trees, but even in such a small amount of time, it still had not been enough. I was caught. I could hear now, the footsteps were just close enough that they would be able to see my jump. I could only run away from them now.
I dashed in the direction at which the footsteps were running, hoping that i could outrun them. My breathing increased ragged as I ran faster, not out of lack of energy but rather fear. I took even larger steps, forcing myself to run harder, but the footsteps only seemed to increase in speed as I did.
"Damn it." I muttered under my breath as I slowed down to a walk. This was my defeat; I'd been caught, and could not outrun my follower. I hadn't wanted it to come to this. I;d known that it was probably going to end up like this, but I still tried to avoid it. To no avail. I could not outrun him, therefore I was left with no other choice but to make him run away. Run away from me.
I sighed, not turning to acknowledge his presence. It was I that had been chased, if he wanted to talk then he could say something first. I would hold my tongue from saying what I did not want to say for as long as I could put it off.
But unfortunately it wouldn't be that long. For now wad the time to say it.
"Bella..." Edward spoke then, no hint of anger, nor happiness. I was hoping that I would be able to predict his mood within his voice, but perhaps it would be better not knowing how hurt he already was. If I saw even the slightest bit of sadness, I don't know if I would be able to do this...
"Bella, where are you going?" he laughed it off a little, trying not to seem like a big deal, but I could hear the worry in his voice. That block of concern that layered almost every word that left his mouth. I closed my eyes, my brows narrowed in frustration. Remember why you're here, That little voice in my head said to me. Remember why you're here.
As I reopened my eyes, I sighed, staring at the day-old snow that lay on the ground. "I'm leaving." I said simply, still having refused to look at him. He took a step toward me, crunching the snow as he stepped on it.
"Where are you going too?" he chuckled, and my face scrunched in annoyance. This was going to be harder than I'd ever imagined...
"I don't know." I said honestly. "I just need to leave."
There was no chuckle that time. We remained in silence as he began to realize that I was not telling a small joke. I remained in the same position, staring at the small details of the snow and how it clumped together so softly. I would probably have to remain somewhere with snow. The more snow meant the less sun. Maybe England. It snowed in England, didn't it? Maybe I could just go to Alaska. Perhaps even-
"Why?" Edward interrupted my forming plans. More annoyance.
I shook my head, then shrugged. "Because I just have to go." I said simply, hoping it would be enough, knowing that it wouldn't be.I searched the snow, wishing that it would give me something to say that could just end this now without hurting him. But of course, the snow provided nothing. Stupid snow.
Edward took another step, closing the distance between us, but I still refused to turn and embrace him. It was easier this way.
"You don't honestly believe I'd let you leave, do you?" I dropped all of my previous thoughts and turned sharply toward him, my eyes now burning into his with my furious. As it turns out, I would face this directly.
"You never do anyway." I muttered and turned away, beginning to walk again away from where he stood. He was in front of me in less than a second, something I had been expecting.
He watched me carefully, pain in his eyes. "What is wrong, Bella?" he asked concerned.
I answered in the most revealing way I could think of. "Nothing. I'm fine." It wasn't very good, but I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could realize that I was trying to find peace and leave me alone before I had to... hurt him.
But this was Edward, and he knew better. "Bella, what is this about? Are you hurt?" he asked, scanning my body briefly for any sign of damage. When he found nothing, he met my eyes again. his face became even more concerned. There was something else, something besides physical pain that was going on, and he knew it. We both knew it, and we both knew that we both knew it. It was like some unspoken connection, a connection of mutual sadness between the two of us. I had to look away to avoid letting him see the pain in my face.
He reached for my hand and gently pulled it into his, trying to meet my eyes again. I refused to see his eyes one more time, the pain would be too much. I would crumble under his utter beauty and give in. I had to be able to resist his eyes if I was going to make him go away. I had to forget about all of our memories and shared love if I was going to hurt him. And knew then that, even after my feeble attempts, this was the only option I had left. I could not make hi leave with this mere small talk. Now was time to make him go away. Forever.
He squeezed my hand harder, yet still softly. "Bella pleas-"
"Edward I don't love you." I said, staring at a different patch of snow.
Slowly, I felt his grasp on my hand release and I closed my eyes, reminding myself that I was safe; it wasn't possible to produce tears. It hadn't been for a while.
I felt Edward's gaze on me, frozen in place. In his moment of complete silence, I took the opportunity at large before his words took it away.
"I don't want to be with you. I don't love you. I... I need to be somewhere else." I said, opening my eyes to find that I was correct, I was all that Edward could see in this moment. His eyes were stuck on my face, his entire body still as if he'd turned to stone. At least, a different type of stone than we already were. Without meeting his eyes, I turned around, my hands in my coat pockets and began to walk away. The pain was so great that it made my entire body numb, but my legs somehow continued moving me away from him. At least now it was over-
"I don't believe you." he said then, making me freeze.
I should have kept walking. If I'd just kept walking, if my feet had just continued to take step after step, he would have believed me. He would have let me go. He would have. But I didn't keep going. My feet stopped. And I knew in that moment that there was no way he would believe me, just because I'd stopped.
I turned around to see him still in the exact frozen stance I'd left him in, a statue in the snow. I stared him in the eyes, though it hurt my soul. "It doesn't matter if you don't believe me. I don't love you" I said coldly, somehow remaining to keep the pain out of my voice. "I'm finding a new home." I turned around again to leave, only to be interrupted again.
I didn't let him finish another word. I took a step in front of him angrily and let it all out. I wasn't angry with him, no, I loved him. I was only leaving him for his happiness. But I was angry that he couldn't just believe me. I was angry at myself for not being able to convince him, I was angry at myself for feeling pain at this to him, and I was angry at myself for not being a better person for Edward. Someone that he could actually deserve to be with. Someone who could stay with him forever and live happily, without so many problems and so much stress to be the right person for him, and I was angry with myself for not being that person.
'This is why I can't stand to be near you!" I started out, forgetting my own pain in that moment. I would mourn later, for now I would just convince him that i didn't want him. "You're always so controlling! And demanding! You won't just let me go Edward! It's like... like-"
"Bella please-" He finally reached out for me, but I kept going.
"See? you won't even let me finish my sentence! I can't take this anymore!" I gulped. "I'm leaving. I'm leaving Edward, and I don't want you to ever talk to me again. I don't want to see you. Please don't follow me, and don't call me. Just... leave me alone." I hadn't realized how much it would hurt me to say this. The pain was so overwhelming that I felt I would honestly choke on it. All I wanted to do was tell him that I was lying, say that I didn't mean any of it and that i didn't want a life without him. Even for a second. I just wanted to fall to the ground and weep with my internal frustration.
I turned to go again, but he spoke this time before I even made it a step away.
"Don't go." he said. More pleaded to me. The pull then was so strong that I felt as if I were being forced by the wind to go to him. He was my god, and what he said, I honored. Except for now. It was ironic really. Never more than now have I ever wanted to do what he said. I didn't want to go, I just wanted to weep in his arms and beg him to forgive my selfish and foolish acts and all of the pain I'd caused him for silly reasons. But this was not a silly reason. It was for his happiness, my gods happiness. There was nothing more important to me than that.
I shook my head. "It's too late for that Edward."
He closed his eyes, soaking everything in, then sighing, asked in a small voice "May I at least have a proper goodbye?"
It was as if he was trying to make this as hard as he possibly could. I wanted to crumble into the ground and become the snow. Why couldn't he just accept this and be on his way? Why did he have to make this so complicated?
I just stared at him, almost as if asking him if he was serious.
"Bella, I don't want to give up on you. You mean everything to m-"
I shook my head, unable to take this anymore. If I was here for any longer than another minute, I wouldn't be able to keep this up. "I. Don't. Love. You. Why can't you just understand me? I can't make myself any clearer-"
"Fine." he said. He didn't say it in an angry way, or even a hurt way. He just shrugged as if it were nothing as he said the small word 'fine' that wasn't really so small. Though I didn't reveal it on my face, I was hurt. Beyond my wildest dreams, I didn't know it was possibly to be this.. hurt. Hurt didn't even describe it. It was... it was...
"Fine." he said again. "Just tell me to stop, and I'll leave you." He promised. "I'll never bother you again. I'll... let you go." he said, taking a step closer toward me. He was right in front of me now. I shook my head, my mouth open but not saying anything. I closed my mouth, then reopened it to say something, but couldn't get the words out. I felt drowned. Drowned in my own pain, leaving me completely and utterly speechless.
I didn't... I... I... I can't...
"Too late." he said. Then, before I could protest, he pulled my face to his and pressed his lips to mine. I tried to protest, tried to pull and push him away, but my arms quickly gave up. No! You are not giving up this quick! Leave! Now!
He pulled away then, watching my eyes carefully but with love. I backed away, shaking my head. "Edward, I have to-"
"Don't speak my love." he smiled, softly brushing my hair out of my face with his hand, his eyes staring into mine with gentleness and love.
"E-Excuse me?" I stuttered, hardly concentrated on what I was even supposed to be doing. He chuckled, smiling still, and kissed me again. And then, through all of my inner protests, I kissed him back.
Authors note: Don't forget, there is an epilogue to come soon! :) Thanks to my amazing readers!
Oh Bella, you can make him happy! And you can also have that happy ending with him and Ryan in your life!
I am looking forward to see how everything turns out in the epilogue. Do you have any new stories (or continuations of old stories) in mind?
Yes. It's an Edward and Bella story. It should be up within a few weeks. I won't update it constantly, since I have work, the trailer shop, and other things, but I will when I can because honestly, I just can't stop writing yet :) I want to eventually finish Fierce too. When I find the time.
Thanks for reading, and being such a committed reader with that. It warms my heart :)
so sad to see this story ending....can't wait to read your epilogue!