Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
“Where did they go?” I asked Seth. I stood on his porch, awkwardly standing. With every second that passed, I worried that Beth would come up and see me. After all, I was at her house. This was the last place I wanted to be, but Seth was the only one I could trust, so I had no choice, I had to find the Cullen’s.
“Yeah.” He said, leaning against the doorframe. He seemed perfectly comfortable around me, and I wondered if he ever knew about his daughter and I. I shifted my feet uncomfortably, the thought of him knowing I had ditched his daughter. He had been a wolf too, so if he did know, I hoped he understood.
“They moved when you were four.” He said. He needed a haircut, I noticed.
“Why?” I asked, looking behind me to make sure Sam, Beth, or anybody was around.
“They don’t age, people would notice if they were the same for 16 years straight.” Seth explained. “They didn’t move too far though, you er… mom didn’t want to be too far from you.” He said, a little awkward himself now.
Confusion made my eyebrows pull together, then I realized, none of them knew that my mother had left them. They probably didn’t know that my mother was planning on killing the Cullen’s soon.
“That’s right.” I mumbled. “So… Where do they live now?” I asked, hoping and praying he didn’t start asking me questions. His face dropped and I knew I was done for.
“Ryan, you’re not planning on visiting them, are you?”
Yeah, I’m visiting them all right. “No, I’m just curious.” He still didn’t seem to believe me, so I added, “I mean, I guess it’s just so I know where not to go, you know?” I said, putting my hands in my pockets.
Seth knew I was alpha now, so I hoped he would think I only wanted to know where they lived so that if I ever got near their territory, I would know not to get too close. I knew Seth was peaceful, and he didn’t want the treaty to be re-broken like the rest of us wanted.
Seth nodded, still looking suspicious. “Well, they lived somewhere west of Neilton a little over a year ago, so I assume they’re still there. Daisy had just shifted before we went out that way.” He said. “They look for their scent every few years or so, just so we always know where they are. Just in case.” He said, flinching just the slightest.
I nodded. “Thank you, I-“ I stopped dead when I heard Beth’s voice from behind me.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. It wasn’t in too mean a tone, but I could hear anger in her voice. I wanted to dissolve so that I didn’t have to face her. I hadn’t talked to Beth since I broke up with her.
“Oh, hey.” I said, looking at the ground. Seth crossed his arms, obviously as awkward as me. So he did know about Beth and I.
Beth stood there for a second, probably waiting for me to look at her. I would rather stand here for hours than look into her eyes.
“Well?” she demanded, a little angrier. I knew she was only going to get angrier the longer it took me to answer. “Just talk. I was just leaving.” I said and took a step down the porch, wanting to run.
“Hmm.” She growled quietly, though it wasn’t a wolf growl as I wished it were, it was simply a human growl. I sighed and awkwardly walked passed her. She stayed where she was, her arms crossed. I knew she was waiting for me to look at her, but I didn’t. I simply walked away and into the forest.
I stood near the edge of the forest, quiet so that I could hear her voice. I didn’t want to eavesdrop; I just wanted to hear her. I missed her voice so much.
“What did he want?” she asked Seth bitterly.
“Nothing. How are you, honey?” Seth’s husky voice responded, not wanting to give anything away. I was positive Seth knew that I would make a visit to the Cullen’s, but I was pretty sure he didn’t know that I was planning on killing them rather than talk. I scowled at the thought of talking to the bloodsuckers in peace.
I didn’t see her face since her back was to me, but I would have bet a large amount of money that she had rolled her eyes. Her arms stayed crossed and her posture still stiff.
“What was he doing here?” she asked again, not moving until he said something. I chuckled to myself, suddenly missing her sarcasm.
Seth sighed. “He just wanted to know where the Cullen’s lived, nothing much. So how was your-“
“What?” she asked. I cocked my head to the side. How much did she know about my relation to the Cullen bloodsucking freaks? Obviously she didn’t know they were leaches, but I was curious to know how much she knew about them.
Seth just looked at her.
“You didn’t tell him did you?” she demanded.
Dad, why would you do that? If he goes to them, he’ll try kill them, if they don’t kill him first. Why would you do that?” she demanded.
I froze, stopping every movement and breath.
How much did Beth know?
I didn’t make sound as I listened to who would speak next, and what they would say.
It was Seth that finally broke the silence. “Beth, you’re not involved in this so just-“
“It’s Ryan, of course I’m involved.” She said shot back at her father.
Seth sighed again. “Beth, just let him do what he wants. He’s alpha, he knows what he’s doing.”
“Does he?” Beth demanded back, unbelieving of what Seth was trying to tell her.
My mouth fell open. I couldn’t take anymore. I was just stuck on the fact that Beth knew. I didn’t know how, or why, but Beth knew.
I turned around and ran, ran as fats as I could. Within seconds, I was running with different legs. I tried to keep my mind off of what I saw until I knew whom else was shifted. I listened, but there were no other voices. Only silence.
Glad that I was alone in my own peace, I ran south. I ran and ran, thinking nothing but the fact that Beth knew. How could she know? Who told her? Did she see someone shift? Did Seth tell her?
I shivered. No, Seth wouldn’t tell her, he knew better than that. So how on earth did Beth know so much about us? She wasn’t a wolf, and she didn’t hang out with anyone who was a wolf, so it made no since that she knew so much about my pack, and me and her father acted as if it were nothing.
I ran, furious at whoever had told her. Now Beth knew why I had left her. Sure she knew now, but that didn’t mean I could be with her. If Sam knew that she knew, he would tear me apart, no matter who told her. He would blame me for telling her and probably kill me. I didn’t want Beth to know what I was, and what I did.
Growling, I ran farther and farther south. It took all I had to get Beth off of my mind long enough to think about where I was going.
Neilton. I was going to Neilton.
I got close very quickly. It may have been sixty miles away, but for me, that was nothing. I rushed to get there as quickly as I could. If someone shifted while I was out here, they’d know what I was doing and I’d be caught. That was one thing I hated about being a wolf; they could read my mind.
I began to smell the scent of leach near, and I knew I was close to where they stayed in probably coffins. I stopped and smelled the air, trying to pick out where each of them had been, and how long ago.
I froze; my anger rose rapidly, letting a growl out of my mouth. My mother had been here… I smelt her scent. So she was with them after all! I was about to follow her scent and kill her when I suddenly heard someone behind me.
I whipped around and growled, ready to take down whatever it was. My growl stopped when I saw my mother, her curly red fire hair thrown behind her ears.
She crossed her arms and smiled. “Hello Ryan.” She smiled.
I growled at her, wanting to be able to talk to her. I would kill her for betraying me. All this time she had betrayed my father and now, she only continued to betray.
“I’m not ready to take them down yet, and it looks as if you aren’t ready either.” She snickered, a sly grin crossing her bloodsucking face.
I growled at her, anger rising in me. I would have no difficulty killing her.
She simply laughed, though she didn’t understand what I was trying to tell her. I wanted to know what she was doing here, and why she was so evil. She turned around and jumped high up in a tree. I was about to jump up and take one killing swipe at her when suddenly; I heard Cody’s voice. She was at La Push, but still, she had shifted, and could hear my thoughts. Before she could ask where I was, I shifted back to a human and looked up the tree.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I growled.
Without looking down, she climbed higher and said back. “Same as you, just getting used the premises. Making plans and strategies.”
“How do I know you’re not lying?” I demanded. Cody or not, I would shift back and kill my mother if she even thought about lying to me.
She simply giggled, now at the top of the tree. “How do I know you’re not lying.” She challenged. Before I could answer her smart remark, she continued. “Ryan, you can trust me,” she jumped to a different tree. “Because I’m going to show you the army I’m creating. Would you like to go?” she asked, smashing a branch between her fingers, crushing it into splinters.
“Maybe later.” I said bitterly. “I have somewhere to go.” I mumbled.
“Fine. Until later my son.” She said, jumping to another tree. I did not see her anymore. Immediately, I shifted back to wolf form, preparing to attack at any moment incase she decided to betray me.
I still did not really trust my mother, but she was my only chance at killing the bloodsuckers, and even if she tried to betray me, I could simply just kill her and all problems would be solved, so what did it matter? The chance was worth taking.
Luckily, Cody was back in human form for whatever reason. Sighing, I quietly crept through the forest until the smell of leach became too strong for my nose to take. I began to breath through my mouth so I didn’t have to suffer through it.
“Please.” A male voice begged quietly, pleading. I jumped on a large thick branch above me, hiding behind the green brush. I breathed quietly so that I could hear the conversation without getting caught.
“I’m fine. Besides, I went a week ago.” The woman said back. I heard her lightly walk out of the room she was in and into another. It was a big house, a mansion in fact. It was nicer than any house I had ever seen.
I listened as the man followed her, and then heard the sound of him touching fabric, probably her shirt. He sighed impatiently. I leaned my head a little closer to the house, but it was far off in the distance. I wanted to get closer, but it was probably better to stay like a mile away from it, incase the leeches could hear me.
“Edward, I’m fine.” The woman said back bitterly. It took everything I had to suppress a growl. The name Edward made my claws dig into the branch I was on, making it wiggle. I leaned on it carefully, and heard it bend awkwardly in protest. I froze for a second, hoping it wouldn’t snap. Luckily it held, so I put my attention back to the leeches.
“Sweaty, you need to hunt.” He said back, trying to be kind but the woman obviously had problems, whoever he was
She hissed quietly and I heard the sound of her turning around very quickly. “Please don’t call me that.” She mumbled.
The man sighed again. I was suddenly frustrated. Was this why my mother wanted to get back at the family? Because her leech boyfriend found some other chick that obviously wasn’t found of him.
You’re going to kill her anyway. I reminded myself.
Kill who? A voice asked making me jump. The branch wavered a little, protesting again. I looked around, but realized that it was the voice of Cody, from la Push. He had shifted back without me realizing it.
“Don’t touch me!” the woman said.
Kill who, Ryan? Cody demanded again.
“Bel-“ I briefly wondered why he was going to say something about a bell, but let the thought go.
“Just leave me alone.” The woman hot back.
Ryan who is that? Suddenly Brando was a wolf now. The branch began to shake under my weight.
“I’m not going to do that.” The man said back. I could tell he was getting angry, but was trying to keep himself under control.
Ryan? Where are you a? Now Daisy had shifted. I ignored the branch when it shook a little more and tried to focus on the leeches.
Yan, get home, please?
“I said don’t touch me!” the woman said. I saw the man and woman suddenly in front of a wall sized window. It was dark in the house, but they seemed just fine. I was not able to see them very well, but I knew they were In front of the window.
Ryan, who is that?
Where are you Ryan?
“No,” the woman said, jerking her hand away when he tried to take it.
“you haven’t hunted in three weeks.” He said calmly.
“I hunted a week ago!” she said back.
Ryan, are those leeches?
Get out of there Ryan!
Ryan, bro, I’d get away form there.
“No, sweaty, you hunted three weeks ago.” The man chuckled, trying to calm her down.
“I said not to call me that! Just leave me alone Edward.” She growled.
“Please, if you don’t hunt-“
“I don’t want to.” The woman was very stubborn.
The branch made a tiny cracking noise, but not a big one.
Ryan, you must leave! They’ll kill you!
What are you doing?
Oh no…. oh no…
I became angry. I can take care of myself! I yelled back and tried to focus on the leeches.
“You need to go, it’s not safe to wait this long.” The man growled. His temper was beginning to show now I assumed he had enough of this woman’s stubbornness. “I. Don’t. Want. To go.” She said, still in front of the window. I squinted and could see her cross her arms.
I found Ryan’s scent, everyone follow me! Daisy commanded everyone. They all followed.
Crap. I thought.
“You need to.” He took her hand again. “It won’t take long, I promise. Three weeks is long enough.” He said. Now that I squinted, I could see stress in his eyes. It looked like what Sam had, years of stress just piled up under his eyes, almost like bruises.
I wanted to get a better look. I took another step toward the end of the branch. It protested a little, but not loud enough for the leeches to hear it.
The woman just stared at him, but I couldn’t see her face because it was hidden behind her hair.
I leaned a little closer.
“Come, we should-“
She began to yell at him, “I’m not-“
Before she finished, the branch I was on broke under my weight, causing me to fall to the ground. It made a loud enough crack that it sounded through out the forest. Immediately, the man turned and looked directly into my eyes. I froze where I was, fear welling up inside me.
I knew the voices were yelling in my head, but I was so focused on the mans black eyes staring at me to even notice what the loud voices in my head were saying. Immediately, the man pushed the woman away protectively. He yelled for someone named Carlisle and took the woman into another room.
RYAN!!! Get out of there!
My eyes widened as I heard one of the leeches step outside.
I could try to run as much as I can, but I was no match to all of these bloodsuckers.
Guys, please get here. Fast. I thought as I listened to the leeches run toward me, anger in their eyes.
I closed my eyes. I knew this was the end, the wolves were just leaving La Push, there was no way they'd get here in time.
Suddenly, I heard running behind me. I turned my head around to see my red headed mother with many, many red-eyed vampires running right behind her. There had to be at least forty, maybe fifty. I have to say, I was impressed. Anger was in their eyes as well. I smiled to myself. Maybe this wouldn't be the end after all.
*I meant to write SWEETY in this chapter, not SWEATY. Sorry guys :)
I can't wait for half term. Today is my last day, and then I can read without interruption. (apart from this weekend when I'm busy) So I will read later! :)
GAH! why did u stop THERE???? i need more !!! this has become an addiction!!!