Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
chapter five... enjoy!
Just so I can clear some confusion out of the way in advance, here is some updated information that might help a little:
(*) = Vampire (**) = Wolf (
Slash) = Dead (>) = Child of couple **Jacob- *Bella > **Ryan (Main character, russet coat, under the care of Sam)
**Seth- Hayely > Beth (Ryan's ex-girlfriend)
**Paul- Rachel > **Brett (Is very obnoxious, black coat, Ryan does not like him very well.)
**Embry- Lisa > **Daisy (Female, light tan coat)
**Jared- Kim > **Rahul (Male, grey coat with white stomach)
**Quil- Claire > **Brandon & **Cody (Male twins, both have brown coats)
**Collin- Ina > Aaron (Male)
•Sam has told Ryan to stop seeing Beth because they must protect their secret from those who are not a wolf themselves.
•Ryan has not imprinted on Beth, and he is not going to.
•Ryan is alpha because Sam never had any other kids, and Jacob had alpha in his blood.
•The only characters from Selfish that are dead are Jacob and Emily
•The Preface is in present time to chapter 5.
•Bella and the rest of the Cullen's will be in this story a whole lot, just be patient… They’re coming very soon. J
•Ryan turns sixteen in chapter one. This does not logically make since simply because the other wolves are the same age as him, but just go along with it.
I hadn’t talked to Beth in three weeks… possibly four… I wasn’t sure. Lately, I had been so distracted with the clan. Sam stopped shifting two weeks ago and left me in charge of the pack, and in that two weeks, I had learned more things than I ever had in a small amount of time
I had learned so much crap about our past, the “cold ones,” imprinting, eating in wolf form, coming home at certain times, places with clothes, border lines, scent marks, tribes, and so much more. Being a wolf was far harder than I had ever would have guessed. There was so much history that I didn’t even care about!
Of all the things I had learned, several things stuck out, but not many things. One of the things that caught my attention was a problem, and its name was Brett.
Of course, I was forced to pretend I liked Brett, and not think about my hatred for him in my head while I was in wolf form, but it was so hard. He was constantly giving the other wolves orders and trying to separate them away from me. He always tried to find the scent first, always tried to impress the girls, and always tried to best at everything.
At first, I had had no idea what his problem was with me, mostly because he was good at hiding his thoughts from me, but I really didn’t know why he hated me. After weeks of watching him try to lead the pack, I had learned why he had beef with me.
I tried, as often as I could to avoid him so that I didn’t lose my temper, but it was so hard. I had no idea why, but Sam was very insistent that I be exceptionally nice to Brett. Sam had grown angry with me when I told him I avoided Brett. He told me that I must treat Brett nicely. I assumed Sam was probably just in one of his moods, trying to find something to get angry with me about.
But Sam had stopped shifting, which meant that I was free to try avoiding Brett again, as long as I didn’t tell Sam. It was so aggravating being near Brett, his presence just annoyed me. Every time I listened to his cocky self-centered mind, I wanted to pounce on him and leave him walking with three legs.
Unfortunately, Sam had sent me out with Brett today to check the borders and make sure there were no bloodsucker scents around, something that was a weekly routine ever since my retched mother had first broken the treaty. Not that I wanted to live around a bunch of leaches, but I was disappointed that my mother hadn’t kept fighting for me. Every one of my friends had a mother that would break any treaty a thousand times over to get their child, and I didn’t even have one of my parents. Everyone was close with their child here; Claire had a close bond with Brandon and Cody, Paul was tight with Brett, Seth was close with Beth…
Beth. I remembered the scene, about four weeks ago when Sam had told me to stay away from Beth. I didn’t want to listen to him; simply because I loved Beth, but I was very threatened by him, and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he was right.
Daisy had told me the story of Sam and Emily about a week ago. She said Emily had been to close to Sam while he was angry, in his wolf form. It didn’t surprise me that Sam was angry in this story, since he was always angry. Daisy told me that he had scratched her face, forever marking it with a large scar.
Inspired by the story of Emily’s scar, I listened to Sam and broke up with Beth a few weeks ago. It had hurt, but I never let it show. We hadn’t talked since.
I froze, smelling something. I had not yet smelt the scent of a bloodsucker, but this had to be it. Sam had gone into detail about how a leach would be the nastiest smell I ever came across, and so far, this was the worst.
I looked around, looking for Brett incase I needed back up. Would I really need back up?
“What?” he spit, a growl escaping his lips. Oh how I wanted to rip his stupid face off.
“I… smelt something…” I said, looking around for the scent again. It was now gone, not a smell in sight. Had I imagined it? No, it had been to real for I to have made it up with my mind.
“Whatever.” He rolled his eyes and hopped over a large log. His leg caught on some thick weeds, causing him to lose his balance. He swiftly landed on his hands and bounced back up as if nothing had happened. I snorted and turned away from him. Now that had made my day.
After wandering around for a couple of minutes, I began to doubt whether or not I had actually smelt anything. Maybe I was so bored of patrolling the border that my mind was-
I froze again, growling under my breath. There was defiantly a bloodsucker around; I knew the smell was for real.
“Brett.” I muttered. He walked behind me, taking his stupid time.
“What?” he demanded.
“I smelt it again.” I declared, looking at all directions, trying to find the scent.
“What ever.” He rolled his eyes and began to head away from me again.
I stood, motionless. I knew that I had smelt a leach, what else could that scent be?
“I’m telling you, I smelt something. It smelt like a leech.”
“I still don’t smell anything! Maybe we should-“
I know what I smelt!” I said angrily. “Let’s split up. I’ll prove to you that I smelt a leech.” I said, suddenly excited. I couldn’t wait to kill the leech trespassing onto our territory. He would get it for sure, and then, I could show Brett the dead bloodsucker, full with pride. I puffed my chest out, ready to kill.
“Fine.” He mumbled and went south.
“Good luck.” I muttered, though I didn’t mean it.
I ran toward the scent, ready to shift and kill, all in one big swift movement. I had practiced this with Cody over eighty times this week, and at the time I hated it, simply because I felt like he had been wasting my time, but now I realized why he had made me practice so much; for when a moment like this presented itself.
I growled, already feeling the wolf in me crawl out. I knew I was a good way away from Brett, so I stopped, smelling for the scent again. When I killed the bloodsucker, I could take it’s mangled corpse to Brett and prove to him that I was the only one who could give rules to the pack.
“Hello Ryan.” A quiet voice whispered. I froze.
I crouched down, feeling the wolf in me.
“Wait- now you don’t want to do that.” I now realized that it was the voice of a woman.
“Come out, you coward!” I yelled at the leech. I tried not to be too loud, because I was going to kill this monster, not Brett.
The lady stayed up in the trees where I couldn’t see her.
“I’ve been watching you for a long time, Ryan. I’m proud of you- you’ve truly become a strong alpha.” She said.
“Who are you?” I growled, ready to shift any second.
The woman laughed quietly to herself.
“Really Ryan- I’m proud of you. So proud- that I want to make a deal with you.”
“I make no deals with leeches.” I growled. “Come out!” I added, hearing my voice echo through the trees. I wanted to check and make sure Brett hadn’t followed me, but I didn’t want to lose focus. I was going to kill this bloodsucker, and then I would truly be alpha.
“Here’s my deal- I’ll tell you who I am. I’ll tell you all about me. I just need a favor from you, my dear Ryan.” She said. I heard a smile on her face. I did not trust her.
“I will make no deals with you, you evil-“
“Fine. Let me explain who I am, then you can decide if you want to make the deal with me.” She suggested.
I crouched down and curled my hands. I began to shake as I felt the wolf begin to come out.
“Wait!” the bloodsucker piped and placed her hand on my shoulder.
I backed away from her touch immediately. “Don’t touch me, you beast!” I spit and looked around angrily.
“Where are you?” I demanded.
“I mean no harm, Ryan. I only want to talk to you.” The leech said.
I growled, crossing my arms. That beast touched me!
I heard her chuckle. “Tell me Ryan, how have you been lately?”
“What’s it to you?’ I growled.
Finally, she made her way out of the thick bushes and trees, and showed herself. “I’m your mother, that’s what it is to me.” She smiled.
I wanted to throw up. All the stories of my mother’s abandonment she had shown to everyone by leaving my father, leaving me, I remembered how she gave up everything and everyone to be a damn bloodsucker. Anger shot through my veins and I only wanted to kill her even more. If Brett tried to kill her, I would kill him, and then I would kill this pathetic excuse of a being.
“Don’t get angry Ryan, please.” She said, wanting to clam me down. I stared at her red eyes, disgusted. People had died to support those eyes… innocent people…
“You’re disgusting. You’re lucky I don’t kill you!” I threatened.
“But you won’t.” she smiled, “Because you and both know you wouldn’t kill me, knowing you’ve never had either of your parents.” She smiled a sly smile, knowing she had me.
I was suddenly angry, because she was right. Though I did want to kill her simply because I knew she was responsible for my fathers death. Should I kill her?
“Now that you know who I am, I would really like to get to know you. But first- I have a proposal. I understand you want the Cullen’s dead, correct?” she asked.
I did want the Cullen’s dead, in fact, I had secretly planned trips to hunt down the bloodsuckers and kill them, though I know I would never go through with it, simply because I could not take down a whole family of leaches. Family of leaches… disgusting.
I put my guard back up, ready to shift. This was a nasty trick… I could tell it was.
She smiled at my anger. “I want them dead too.” She said to me, waiting for my response.
“That’s a lie! You left my father for those bloodsuckers!” I shouted evilly at her.
“Yes.” She frowned, looking to the ground. “At the time, I made stupid decisions. But I left them long ago, and I’ve wanted them dead for a long time.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Let’s just say, I have some unfinished business with them.” She growled angrily.
I suddenly believed her. She had that evil look of wanting to kill, right in her eyes. I knew that look well; I saw it in Sam’s eyes when he spoke of the Leeches.
“I need your help though, Ryan. If you can convince your pack to come along, I can have an army, that combined with your pack, will be stronger than 30 Cullen’s.” she smiled evilly.
I hesitated, watching to see if it was a trick. I wanted to deny her and kill her already, but I couldn’t help but see that look in her eye, that declared she really did want the Cullen’s dead. Besides, how often did I get a chance like this? I could finally take down the enemies that were responsible for my father’s death, and maybe, just maybe, I could make bring myself to forgive my mother. Maybe.
“Come on my son, please help me. I am your mother, and I would never lie to you. Please, see that.” She begged, pleading in her eyes.
I could not deny her wishes. It was too tempting! We both wanted the same leeches dead!
I smiled. “Alright, mother.” I said the second word bitterly.
An evil smile crossed her face as I became excited. Finally, after all these years of hearing of these evil Cullen’s I could finally see them, and take the pleasure in taking their lives. I wanted to go for the one named Edward. I made plans of beheading this leech I had heard so much of, how terrible he was.
My mother smiled at me. “Thank you, Ryan. So, tell me about yourself.” She smiled, the evil still clear on her face. I was cautious, still not sure if I could fully trust her.
I was honestly curious about her, since she was the only parent I had left. I looked at her briefly. She was tall, not too tall. She was pale and had dark red eyes as all leeches did, and had curly, long, bright orange hair. It almost looked as if her hair were on fire.
I realized then, I had defiantly inherited my looks from my father.
I suddenly heard Brett running toward me, he was getting nearer every second. My eyes widened, he couldn’t know about the deal I had just made.
“I’ll be back for you.” The leach said and disappeared. I was suddenly angry, wondering if I had just made the stupidest deal of my life. No, I had seen that evil her eyes, the one that matched Sam, I knew that look well enough that I knew the one she wore was real.
“I smelt it! I smelt it, I wa-“ Brett froze and wrinkled his nose. “He’s near!” he said and crouched down, shifting into a wolf before my eyes. Maybe I could get this bloodsucker to kill Brett too… hmm…
Brett’s black coat shined with silkiness in the sun, I could see its darkness. It was slightly intimidating, but I let the thought go.
“I chased him off, he won’t be coming back.” I growled and turned to go back home. Brett growled at me, demanding more information, or probably just angry that he hadn’t gotten to come in contact with the leach.
I turned around to him. “Look, I tore his arm off and told him not to come back. He went running away carrying his arm away with him. You should have seen his face!” I laughed, only teasing Brett.
He growled and turned around ready to chase the bloodsucker down.
“Leave him alone.” I commanded, suddenly full of pride that I was able to tell Brett what to do. He turned around, glaring at me with an evil look, a look of hatred. I stared back at him with the same look for a few seconds before turning around and heading back home.
I smiled, filled with pride, happiness and eagerness. Sure, I wasn’t with Beth anymore, but I had been presented the opportunity to take the death of the stupid leaches, and who knows? Maybe after we kill all the leaches, I could surprise her, and go ahead and kill my mother. She didn’t deserve to live after what she had done, so I wouldn’t let her live, I would just get her help first and kill the other leaches.
And all I would have to do is lie to the pack and lead them to the lair of leaches to kill. It couldn’t be too hard too keep off my mind.
I smiled. Maybe I wasn’t the best alpha since I was preparing to lie to the pack, but for once in my life, instead of worrying over everything, I just relaxed. So what if I lied to them? They’d get over it.
*shoots tiny flaming arrows at victoria*" VICTORY!!!!!" sorry lil things tht happen in my head
lolz.... i am sad... Beth is not coming back! she isnt gonna love him...