Bella tries to hide her secret from Edward, but when she becomes pregnant with Jacob, that becomes a little complicated. Realizing that life has whole new plans for her, Bella must face many disasters including loss, betrayal, pain, and tears. Will Edward find the heart to forgive her? How will Jacob react to the news? And what happens when it seems that the earth itself is determined to punish Bella with everything it has? Find out in Selfish, the first in its series.
***This banner was made by Claire J Darling***
The time was 6:45
So there I was. Kneeling on the floor like a pathetic, useless piece of nothingness. I was trying to imagine what my ceiling fan was seeing right now. Of course I should be focusing on the more important thing, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. How could I bare the thought of what I was about to face? Or better yet, how would Edward take the news that-
It doesn't matter, I told myself. I focused on the spinning ceiling fan. As it whirled around in the same daily circles at the same pace, never having to face problems or worry about what tomorrow will be like… it watched things. I had always thought of fans as watchers. A cruel lifeless soul, the fan had a full view of the area surrounding it. Silently judging. They can't speak, and they can’t make their own choices, so all it can do, is just keep its place at the top of my room and watch. Listen to the numerous phone calls I made, to all those stressful, homework-overloaded nights, and even to the smallest of snores as I slept.
It was always watching as I checked emails, got dressed, starred out the window, and most of all, it watched me at nights. Those precious moments where I sat there, in my bed alone, waiting, then, he would be there. As if I ever deserved him, or as if I was worth his time, no matter what I did or said, and even if I was already asleep, he would always give up his night and come to me. He was so wonderful. The fan had watched all of those nights that I sat in bed with what I didn’t deserve. And now he would leave. After today, there would be no more.
Fan, I reminded myself for what seemed like the thousandth time. The fan was always there. It watched my life and knew what happened. Sure the fan didn't have eyes or ears or even a life, but it was like a live object. It gave me fresh air, and did things at my command, just by hitting a light switch. The fan was like my personal slave; it listened to everything quietly, as it moved swiftly.
I breathed in a big breath, hoping the air would cool me down enough so that I could stop sweating, but that was not going to happen. I had experienced so much in my life. Deaths, evil vampires, betrayal, and pain... pain. So much pain. But nothing was like this. I hadn't even talked to Edward, yet I was already stressing as if he were here now. He said he'd be here in ten minutes, but he probably heard my stress through the phone and decided to run here rather than drive. He was always over protective. Always worried and concerned for me. He never stopped paying attention when I told him about my same, casual day. He cared so much.
So why did I have to get in a truck, and drive into it all, knocking it down to it's very foundation, never to be rebuilt again?
I swallowed. I'm not going to cry... I'm not going to cry... I'm not going t- I checked my watch. It read 6:48. Edward had to be here by now. Our call was exactly seven minutes and 35 seconds ago... But I didn't want him to get here. I wanted him to decide he could get someone better than me, run off never to be found, and never speak to me again. Losing him like that would be so much easier than what the future held. I kept imagining he wouldn't show up, for whatever reason, but I knew he would. He always did.
6:50 Time was going by faster. The fan was spinning faster. It kept going and going, it was so fast.... A small squeak left my voice. I said not to cry! Don't cry, whatever you do! I gulped down a bunch of air, still not helping. It had to be ten minutes by now. Maybe he's no-
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see someone standing right at my door. As I lie on the bed, looking up at the fan, that stupid, judgmental fan, I noticed the dark black shape of a human. Though it wasn't a human. It was a perfect wonderful, beautiful person. The next second, he was there, beside me. Laying on the bed with me, cradling me in his perfect, sturdy arms.
Suddenly I let out a small cry. No, no crying… Luckily. I was able to keep the tears in my eyes. I was surprised at that. I could never hold back tears. If only Edward hadn’t heard the squeak in my voice… maybe he won’t know I’m sad, and maybe I will be able to stall long enough… Long enough to get one last amazing moment from him…
“Bella?” Edward asked, his voice was clearly pained. He had that little croak in his voice, something usually only humans experienced. It was as if he were in so much pain, that he had to let some of it out with his voice. And sure enough, it was coming out. I hated that sound; the sound of him unhappy. Quite frankly, it made me unhappy, knowing Edward was not comfortable with the current situation. What pained me even more was the realization that I had, and would cause this pain that made his voice the way it was. It took me a second to arrive back in reality, and realize that he had said something else. What had he said?
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked. I froze. That sounded rude, didn’t it? Great. I was already going to upset him- no, piss him off was more like it. Now I sounded like I had a smart attitude? Luckily, Edward didn’t seem to take notice.
“Why are you crying, love?” he asked. He held his right arm around the small of my back, holding me up I realized. His left arm was stroking the lose pieces of hair that had managed to escape my ponytail. Wait- crying? What did he mean? I wasn’t crying! I’m doing a good job of-
I pressed my skinny pale fingers to my cheek. It was right under my eye that I felt wet drips of water, emptying them selves from my eye. Another way for pain to escape the body- through little drops of salty liquid.
I quickly wiped my eye, but what use was it? He had already noticed my crying.
“Bella!” he said, quietly, yet anxiously. It was killing him. Oh just tell him already!
“Edward…” I searched his eyes. They were a dark golden, a deep color that had no name. He needed to hunt. He needed the very thing that kept him both at peace, and slightly satisfied: blood. That was the thing that marked the very boundary between being human or vampire. I couldn’t stand it, the love in his eyes. But I needed to tell him.
He reached up, catching a tear with the tip of his index finger. He then let his hand go back to my hair, but made a different decision and placed his hand around my face. Holding me there, not letting me go. How I would miss this…
“Edward” I said, and pulled my face away from him. He looked at me, very silent, ready to listen. I took one last chance at a big breath, hoping it would work this time. Instead I felt a sharp pain in my dry throat. I ignored it and looked into Edward’s eyes once more. “I need to tell you… Okay first just listen. I did something… something I should have told you about a long time ago. But I didn’t, and I’m terrible for that. I can never be forgiven-“
“Bella, don’t be ludicrous. Whatever it is, I’m positive it will be okay. I won’t be mad-“
“Oh but you will.” I said quickly. I could feel the pain in my eyes, and knew Edward could see it. Was he really in pain, or was the pain in my eyes reflecting off his eyes, just to confuse me? He looked bewildered at what I said.
“What could you have possibly done, that cannot be forgiven?” he challenged. “I’ve done enough wrong in my life to you, that you’ve forgiven and shouldn’t have. I’m sure that whatever you did, it’s not that-“
“Just listen.” I whispered, simply because if I let my voice grow any louder than a whisper, he would hear the distress. My voice would probably crack and never work again.
“Edward I…” Oh. My. God. How was I to say this? I couldn’t identify whether or not this was more awkward than it was terrifying. Would he get angry? I knew the answer to that, prior to finding out.
Yes. But how mad would he get? Would he curse and spit at me, until I cried in shame? Would he hit me or throw some of the items lurking around in my room? What if he tore the fan out of the wall? Suddenly I liked the fans presence, and hoped it stayed intact in the wall.
You’re being ridiculous. My conscious whispered to me. Something only I could hear, since Edward had some mystery problem with hearing my thoughts. So I was being ridiculous… or was I? What if he really did become as angry as my thoughts had allowed me to picture, or even worse than that? What if…
I made myself drop the thought before it even processed into a thought. Edward was still waiting for me. I couldn’t leave him waiting anxiously, wondering what it was I was about to say. After all I had done… he deserved to know. But could there have been a better way? Could I have done something differently or went someplace better to tell him. For Gods sake, tell him already!! NOW!!!
“Edward I’m pregnant.” I said. I gasped. Had I just said it?
Yes. I got it out. The words that had been resting on the very tip of my dried tongue took a leap, and landed right out in the open. Right there for everyone to hear and see. Edward just looked confused.
“But Bella.” he said. I knew how he was going to finish this sentence. I had played this conversation out a million times in my head, and I knew Edward best. This was exactly the way I thought it would go, and I was right. But for a reason I didn’t want to think, I knew it was not a good thing in this case, that I knew Edward so much.
“Bella we never-“
“I know Edward… I know.” I spoke softly. Here it comes… the grand finally. The moment, we’ve all been dreading. I could hear the terrible music playing over and over in my head, taunting me. It was as if the music was saying ha ha time to talk! Why didn’t the music have a stop button?
Another breath. The final attempt at what little comfort I could possibly get from filling my lungs with air. It just wouldn’t do it. “Edward…”
“Bella sweetheart, we never… Bella there must be some mistake.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a laugh. I had no name for the noise that sounded like a laugh, but wasn’t one.
“Edward we never did anything…” gulp “But me and Jacob did…”
I stared into his eyes and saw the most amazing thing. What had seemed like his regular eyes just seconds ago, was nothing compared to what they had turned into, just now. In a split second, I watched his eyes change from an aged gold, right to a jet black. That quick, as if my one, stupid little sentence had drained all energy that remained within him. His eyes…
Oh, How I was going to miss those eyes…
***This banner was made by Mollyy Greeves***
I’ve always wondered what happens to us once our bodies aren’t strong enough to keep us in this thing called life.
Is there really a heaven to celebrate in? Do we roam the earth as tireless ghosts, sighing as we watch our loved ones move on without us? Or do we go nowhere. Are our bodies the only thing that connects us to life? Is there nothing else, no more thoughts or memories or words of love once our bodies can no longer do so?
It scares me really. Even having been so close to death, I’d never actually taken the time to think about that moment when you feel yourself detach from your body. That moment when your brain stops comprehending things, and you feel that you are falling asleep.
But it’s not sleep. Sleep isn’t permanent. Sleep isn’t so scary and sleep isn’t what’s happening to me right now. Sleep... isn’t this painful.
But then again... sleep isn’t this peaceful either...
Anyone- Look for a picture that you think Ryan looks like and post it!!!!! :)))
(Thanks Molly for this idea) :)
chapter 7---- hope you LOVE it :)))
The bloodsucking Cullen’s stopped right where they were, their dark eyes wide. They clearly needed to take that hunting trip they were about to take. I remember Daisy telling me about the colors of their eyes and what they mean, and I remember her saying that the black eyes meant they were weaker. It couldn’t have worked out better.
I snickered at how easy this would be. They’d be dead in less than a minute, then, I could kill my mother if I wanted to. I stood up now, my chest puffed out proudly at my mother. I turned around and looked at her, her hair flaming as it always did. She had gone through with her deal; maybe I wouldn’t have to kill her.
Oh my oh my… Hold on Ryan. We’re coming.
I rolled my eyes. Guys, I’m fine. Trust me. You don’t even need to come here; I’ll be at La Push in a little bit.
Though I was alpha, they continued to make their way to me as quickly as they could. I rolled my eyes again.
The one named Edward, someone I really wanted to kill myself, took a protective step in front of the girl he had been fighting with. She growled lowly, but he stayed where he was, glaring at Victoria.
“Go.” He muttered to her.
“No!’ she argued back. I could see her cross her arms, but I didn’t see her face.
He growled but didn’t fight anymore as some of the red-eyed newborns circled around the Cullen’s. I barked out in happiness as I crouched down to pounce.
Edward turned to me for a second, confusion in his eyes as first. The confusion was gone in a split second, now replaced with a look of shock as he stared at me. I stood up from my crouch and growled angrily at him. He, I wanted to kill so badly it hurt.
“Is this really necessary?” Edward growled angrily at Victoria. The other bloodsuckers were also clinging to one another, growls escaping them as they watched the newborns. I didn’t know how my mother did it.
My mother smiled evilly. “Why of course.” I thought I might as well end this with a little fun…” she walked up to him, a sly grin on her face. Edward backed up from her, pushing the girl behind him away from her.
Immediately, my mother jumped into the air, trying to get around him to the girl. I growled. So this was about her boy friends new girlfriend.
Edward pushed the girl away from him and reached up in an attempt to rip my mothers arm off. I jumped at him, knocking me to the ground. I pushed him into the snow and growled right in his face, suddenly feeling a little dizzy that this moment, one I had been waiting for, for months, finally presented itself.
“No!” his girlfriend yelled, hitting my side, knocking me off of Edward. I stood up, facing her, ready to kill her. The moment I saw her face, a strange feeling shook within me, but then left. I ignored it and dug my claws into the ground. I leaned down to pounce at her.
The newborns and the other Cullen’s were fighting now, and we were winning.
Edward ran at me, about to keep me from pouncing at his girlfriend.
“Wait!” she yelled, putting her hand in front of him. He stopped, blocking her from me so that I didn’t hurt her.
She put her hand on his shoulder and walked around him. He tried to stop her but she just shook her head. She looked at me, a strange look on her face.
“Ryan.” She whispered, her voice cracked
I felt a little strange that she knew my name, but I wasn’t surprised. I pounced at her, smashing her to the ground. Edward tried to protect her, but two other newborns grabbed him and threw him to the ground as well. Perfect.
I saw Victoria struggling to catch a spiky haired girl a ways off, but I focused on the woman I was about to kill.
“Please… Ryan.” Again, the shock was sent through my body, making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Edward struggled with all his might, but there were three holding him down now, making it impossible for his weak body to stand up and save her. He hissed at me furiously.
I lifted my claws up, about to rake them across this woman’s face. I was going to make her suffer right in front of her boyfriend.
“Ryan...” she whispered. I tore my claws into her face, leaving smaller marks than I intended. I growled in frustration.
“Stop!” Edward yelled at me as he violently kicked one of the newborns in the face. It only made the other two hold him down tighter. He growled, trying to pull free from them. It was useless. He was weak.
“My son…” the woman under me whispered very quietly, her eyes gentle and… almost crazed like. I stared at her with confusion. What? Maybe it was possible for a vampire to go insane…
My redheaded mother looked up from holding the spiky girl with a scared look on her face. She dropped the girl and came closely to me. I didn’t understand what was going on, but Edward stared at her with a look of disgust. He turned to me and spoke.
“Ryan, that’s not your mother, she is.” He said gesturing to the woman I was attacking. Were they all crazy?
My mother’s eyes widened just the slightest. She shook her head back and forth as if to disagree with what the crazy leeches were saying. “They’re insane.” She mumbled, repeating what I had thought in my head.
Growling once again, I bared my teeth picking out the spot on her neck that were hurt her the most. If I tore her head off slowly, she would have to go through more pain. I through my head back only a second away from snapping her neck.
“Ryan! Don’t believe her… I’m your mother.” She said. There was little fear in her eyes, instead I saw… well, I didn’t know what I saw in her eyes, but it was gentle, and anything but evil. She was trying to trick me into sparing her life. What a crappy way to do it, I scowled.
I could hear the voices of the other wolves in my head, but they were still nowhere near. They lost my scent about 30 miles away and got lost. How much they needed me.
“Don’t listen to her!” my mother hissed at me, anger in her eyes.
“You don’t have to kill Ryan, you don’t know everything you think you do.” Edward said to him. I turned to him and growled angrily. I wished that I could tell the red-eyed leeches to rip one of his arms off. They must have had a specific order from my mother.
“Please…” the woman said.
“Ryan.” Edward growled. One of the leeches punched him in the face with much force. He hissed and struggled, but again, it was to no avail.
“I’m your mother.” The woman continued. “I was with Jacob.” I flinched at the name of my father. “He was a russet wolf like you, Ryan. He was so proud of you; he never stopped fighting for you. I miss him so much.”
“Kill her!” My fire hair mother snapped at me, taking a step near me. I just stared at her for a second, confused. Why did this woman seem so real and serious?
My mother took another step toward me, shaking slightly. “Take her already!” she screamed at me. I didn’t understand why she was so insistent on me taking the woman very quickly. Was the woman about to reveal a secret my mother didn’t want me to know?
I looked around for a second, considering my options. The other wolf’s miles away listened intently to see what I did. They were getting closer by the second, taking the miles with ease. They would be here in less than a minute.
“Well?” my mother screamed.
“You don’t have to kill anyone Ryan, why would your mother be redheaded. You look nothing like her.” Edward tried to persuade me. Again, one of the leeches scolded him by biting his arm. He hissed in anger and tried to pull away.
We’re almost there, Ryan. Daisy spoke to me.
I didn’t need them. I may never again get the chance to kill the family that took everything away from me. Why would I let that chance go with their dirty tricks? I would never forgive myself if I didn’t kill them.
“Ryan.” The woman below me said as I through my head back, spreading my sharp teeth to rip off her neck. “When I thought something happened to you, I told Jacob I lost you.” She struggled to get her hand up and through her wrist in my face. I froze for the slightest second as I saw a scar on her arm, the size and length of wolf claws. My red headed mother did not have claw marks like Daisy’s story told.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I through my head back then quickly aimed for her neck.
“NO!” Edward yelled and miraculously gained the strength to throw the leeches off of him. He pounced at me with all his might, furiousness burning in his dark eyes. Right as he was about to hit me with all his might, I jumped off of the woman he so much treasured, my mother, and pounced at the redhead. At that moment, all of the wolves from my pack pounced on the red-eyed newborns.
All I could do now was hope I was fighting for the right side.
Sorry, I meant to explain it this chapter, but totally forgot. Edward can't read his mind because Ryan has inherited his mothers thing where nobody can read her mind. lol
And Ryan was about to go ahead and kill Bella, but Edward leaped at him, so at the very last second, he decided not to kill his real mother. He doesn't know why, but he decided not to kill her. At the last second, he jumped at Victoria, and he's going to try and kill her. The wolves saw that he leaped for Victoria, so the wolves are now going to try and kill the newborns. Therefore, Ryan is on the side of the Cullen's now. Does that help?