Shattered Dreams

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Permalink Reply by Carmen on July 18, 2009 at 3:59pm

Thanks For The Many Compliments!
Will Try My Best To Keep Up The Good Work=D

Permalink Reply by Twilight<3 on July 18, 2009 at 2:20pm

wow...you're good at writing...
its soo sad

can't wait for the next one

Permalink Reply by Olivia(Olive) on July 25, 2009 at 1:12am

:'( i want him to be happy!!! hes like my fav wolf!!!! he has to be okay!!

Permalink Reply by Carmen on July 24, 2009 at 4:59pm

Hey Everyone! Ok, So Tis Chapter Is The Longest So Far, And - Don't Hate Me - Is Still Sad;-(
There Were Quite A Few Difficulties Writig This Chapter Seeing As I've Not Been Emotionally Tramatzied (Lol), But Things Will Start To Cheer Up Soon! Hope You All Enjoy!!=D
5 Moving On

It was the day of the funeral, and I had to admit that I was getting cold feet about going at all. Everyone had got their best suits ready and was almost about to leave. I knew the car was coming at 10 o’clock to take us to the church and it was half past nine and I was still not ready. Mum had woken me up two hours ago, but I was still lying in bed staring at the wall.
“Seth, darling,” I heard mum call from outside the door.
I wiped my face clean of tears.
“Come in,” I croaked back.
“It’s time to leave now. The car’s waiting outside.” She said softly.
“I…can’t…I…I don’t know what to do,” I finally admitted.
She came to sit on the edge of my bed. “You can’t keep blaming yourself for what has happened Seth. You loved Tahlia, and you did everything in your power to keep her safe.” That obviously wasn’t enough, I thought to myself.
“I can’t come mum. I’ve tried, but I don’t want to see her like that.”
She sighed, “O.K. Are you sure you’ll be alright by yourself?”
“I’ll be fine,” I said, though I knew it was a lie.
She got up and headed for the door.
“Mum,” I called. She twisted her head to see me. “Thank you,” I managed to whisper. She smiled weakly and left the room.

With three hours on my hand it was hard to find something to keep my mind off everything. It wasn’t the right thing to do—not going to the funeral—but there was no other way round it. Everyone was probably expecting me there. I was letting them all down. Tahlia’s family would be heartbroken too, yet they weren’t strolling aimlessly around the house. My reasons to go were overpowering my reasons not to go. Of course, if I left the house now, I would end up barging into the church half way through the ceremony. But, half way was better than nothing.
Come on, Seth! I urged myself. You can do this, be brave!
The heat of the water in the shower helped me think clearer. I was wasting time. Every second counted. I had been asked by Tahlia’s mum to write a speech but I couldn’t seem to hold the pen steady in my hand and the piece of paper would be destroyed with tears each time I tried.
I was too late now anyway, they were probably carrying the coffin out at this moment. Even with the knowledge of this, I continued to get ready in a hasty speed.
I grabbed my cufflinks from my drawer and shut it quickly. I did not want to see what else was inside it. It was like the small black box was screaming at me. Inside the box was the engagement ring had bought for her. The one I was going to give to Tahlia. I opened the drawer, picked it up and placed it in my pocket. She still deserved to have it.
Now, all I had to think about was how I was going to get there. I couldn’t phase, there were no forests to blend into and I would have to undress and re-dress, allowing more time to be wasted. I could order a cab, but it would take forever for it to get here and I would be late anyway. Then I remembered my birthday present. Edward had left my car parked outside my mum’s house in case I ever decided I wanted to drive it. I was pretty sure he would have insured it for me and that there would be enough gas in the engine. I grabbed my keys from the coat hanger and left the house. I fiddled with the keys, struggling in my haste, to start the ignition. Once it was in, I stomped on the gas pedal. The car lurched forward and I smacked my head against back the seat. I put the car into gear and tried again, smaller pushes this time. The car moved steadily forward and I began to make my way towards the church.

When I arrived I was greeted by my family and friends. Leah had chosen to stay for a while and the Cullens had also come back. I was surprised to see them there, but had guessed that there had returned to also say their goodbyes. I was hard not to love Tahlia.
“Thanks for coming,” I managed to say.
Bella put her arm around me, “We’ll stay as long as you want us.”
“Thanks,” I whispered back.
I didn’t want to be rude but I couldn’t be around people right now. There was only one person I wanted to see.
“Come on guys, we’d better head back,” Edward said. He had obviously heard what I wanted. I was grateful for this.
I felt a wave of calm—only a small wave—wash over me. I looked in Jasper’s direction. His face was pained. It must be hard for him, surrounded by people whose emotions were distraught.
I smiled half-heartedly at Jasper. I was thankful, for once, of his power. I made it feel easier for me to do what I was about to do. But no amount of emotional gifts would ever wash away the hurt that I felt.
The Cullens headed off in the opposite direction. I walked through the graveyard till I found the right one. It was covered with freshly picked flowers. Different colours and smells. There were cards sheltering the top. Messages of love. It was made of a marble, the writing, intricate. On the front was a small message:
Tahlia Cassidy
May 3rd 1991
September 21st 2014
Your memory will be imprinted in our hearts, always
“It seems like only yesterday we were burying your dad,” a voice came from behind me. Mum’s hand grasped tightly around mine. “No-one could ever replace him—you know that—but because I’ve moved on, it doesn’t mean I still don’t love him.”
I turned to face her.
“You’ll be O.K Seth. You’re strong enough to get though this.”
I sighed. I used to be strong. When Tahlia died that part od me died too.
Mum’s words were having the opposite effect. Instead of consoling me, she was reminding me of all the things I had lost.
“Can I be alone with her for a minute?” I mumbled through the tears.
“Of course. I’ll be in the church, waiting.”
I waited for her to walk away before kneeling down by the side of the grave.
I wasn’t sure of what to say but I decided to say whatever came to mind.
“Ummm…it’s me, Seth. I'm not sure of you can hear me, but I just wanted to say goodbye. I didn’t get enough time to say all I wanted to. Sometimes I feel like someone was against us, someone didn’t want us to be together. There were so many things I wanted to do.” I pulled the box out of my pocket. “I know it’s a bit too late for engagement rings,” I laughed once, “but I’d still like you to have it.”
“I was thinking of the Bahamas for our honeymoon. I know you don’t like the cold very much. They have beautiful beaches there. I was saving up for ages, mum even agreed to help me pay for some of it. All I ever wanted was the chance to make you happy.” My voice dropped and became serious. “If I could have another chance, I would make sure that I could keep you safe. I’m so sorry I let this happen to you.” I embraced the tears as they fell down my face. “The moment I stop breathing is the moment I’ll stop loving you,” I vowed. “Take care, my love.” I kissed the top of the velvet box and gently placed it on top of the casket.

I, somehow, found a way to walk back to the church. My tear streaked eyes were impairing my vision so I couldn’t see who was calling me. I found the arms of my mother and wrapped my arms tightly around her waist. Even though I was much taller than her, she was able to place of her hands on either side if my face and stare into my eyes before I buried my head on her shoulder. It felt like I was a child again. I had fallen over and come to find comfort in my mother. And it was true; I had fallen.
“Shhhh,” she comforted me. “Shhhh, my baby.”

When I had found a way to stop the tears, I saw—from the corner of my eyes—Tahlia’s parents. Tahlia’s mother looked distraught. Her bones looked as if they were about to cut through her skin, like she hadn’t eaten in days. Tahlia’s father had big purple bruises under each eye, his expression half-crazed. I hadn’t fully taken into account what this had done to them. Tahlia was their daughter; of course they would be upset. I removed mum’s arms and got up.
“Where are you going?” She asked, worried.
“You’ve helped me, now it’s my turn to help someone else,” I replied simply.
I walked over and stood in front of them, not knowing what to say.
Tahlia’s mum, Dawn, looked up and smiled feebly at me.
“Hello, Seth. It’s nice to you again.” Her bloodshot eyes stared curiously at me.
I sat down next to them. She continued. “It’s a shame we couldn’t make it for your birthday. We were going to come but the car broke down,” her voice broke. This information sickened me. If they had come, they would have seen her the night before her...
“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
“We don’t blame you,” She responded, placing her hand over mine “You made her very happy. We both appreciate that.” Her vary eyes looked over me. “How are you?”
I had heard this question so much in the last few weeks it had become clichéd.
“Better…after today. It wasn’t easy though. It must have been hard for you too,” I amended.
“You don’t need to worry about us, Seth. You were like a son to us; you still are. Your welfare is important to me.” She answered back. “If there is anything—anything at all we can do…”
I was confused. Hadn’t I come over to comfort them?
“Dawn I—”
She cut me off, “It’s what Tahlia would have wanted.”
I thought about this for a moment. I needed a lot of things—none of them could be given to me. I needed a world where memories didn’t hurt so much, where happiness was much easier to grasp. A world where people knew exactly what I was going through. No more sympathy. I didn’t want to grieve over Tahlia anymore, I wanted to be glad of the time I had with her. Be around people that knew her the way I did.
“Could I come to stay with you? Just until I get my head sorted out. If you don’t have the room then…”
“Of course you can move in! If… it’s really what you want,” Dawn said. “Adriana, Alicia and Carl would be over the moon to have you with us.”
Adriana and Alicia were Tahlia’s younger twin sisters. i had neevr seen two people more unalike. Alicia was the more extravagant twin, whereas Adriana was quieter; more demure. Carl was her younger brother, the one who - despite my prying and the obviousness of his actions - would not admit to being gay. They all still lived with there parents in Ohio. Last time I had seen her siblings I had felt a real connection between us. The thought of being around them again made me smile for the first time in what felt like years.
“When can I move in?”

Permalink Reply by Olivia(Olive) on July 25, 2009 at 1:19am

im crying!!!!!! ugh carmen you made me cry twice tonight!!!!!!!!! i want him to be happy!!!!!! please???

Permalink Reply by Amy Victoria ~I Am Alice Cullen~ on July 25, 2009 at 5:59am

O...M...G
This is amazing!
I'm nearly crying (and I don't often cry)
I LOVE it, you are such an incredible writer!
xxx

Permalink Reply by Carmen on July 29, 2009 at 4:48pm

Thanks!!!

Permalink Reply by Carmen on July 29, 2009 at 4:48pm

So Sorry For The Tears, I Want Him To Be Him To Be Happy Too! Sorry Again!!=D

Permalink Reply by ♥vamplvr27♥ on July 30, 2009 at 11:45pm

omg!!! poor seth!!! please post more!!!

Permalink Reply by Carmen on August 23, 2009 at 8:12am

Sorry guys, have been away for a while. Promise to post chapter six as soon as i get back. :)

Permalink Reply by Carmen on September 14, 2009 at 10:54am

6 Ohio (Complete)
One month – four weeks, to be precise, Dawn had said. “Just enough time for us to sort out where you’ll be staying,” she had replied when I asked her what the delay would be, “the attic would be preferable—lots of space, a double bed, nice view—though it does get a bit chilly in winter. There’s the study,” she had suggested, “that’s a bit cramped though. I would offer you Tahlia’s old room but that’s been out of use for a while now…”
“The attic will be perfect,” I replied thankfully. It never ceased to amaze me how much she cared for others. In her world; every cloud had a silver lining—in mine; every cloud was overshadowed by another. It had been four weeks since I had that conversation, and every day since I had thought about the pros and cons of leaving. The latter’s list was almost non-existent. Almost—but not completely. I would miss my mother if I left, including my pack and my friends. I had built myself within the sturdy boundaries of everyone I loved. The safe security of family, yet it all seemed lonely and pointless without the only person that could complete it. However, the pros of my imaginary list were nearly as unsuccessful. Of course leaving would be good—I had already figured that out. But what would I be walking into. I had no real plans in Ohio. No job. No-one to fall back on. No friends across the street. No Mum two minutes away. But Ohio would be home now; I would have to find a way to make it.
I checked the time. The clock flashed 01:27. I would be leaving soon.
I carried my bags downstairs, careful not to wake anyone. Right on queue, the cab driver beeped his horn twice to show that he had arrived. I scowled into the darkness. Listening carefully, I waited to hear if Mum or Charlie had heard it. After not hearing anything, I walked over to the door, turned the latch, raised my hand and mouthed 5 minutes to the driver. I grabbed a pen from the kitchen table.
Mum, I began writing.
By the time you read this, I will be gone. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. Don’t know when I’ll be back. Stay safe and I promise to stay out of trouble.
Seth.
I picked my suitcase, closed the door and left.
“Going anywhere nice,” the cab driver asked.
“Home,” I replied instantly, “I’m going home.”
***
Soon later, I found myself outside the Cassidy’s house later the same morning.
“Welcome to our home, Seth,” Dawn called out. I was glad to see she looked healthier than the last time I had seen her.
“Thanks for having me,” I called back, exiting the cab and entering the arms of my new family.
“Our pleasure. We’re just happy that you’ve come,” Patrick said whilst lifting my suitcases out of the boot of the cab. His beefy framed body turned to face me and gave me his signature smile.
“Nice to meet you again,” a tall figure exclaimed. As usual, she was covered in designer clothing—most probably fakes—and layers of make-up. She clasped her arms around my waist, the smell of cheap perfume, overwhelming me.
“Um…hi Alicia,” I gasped, once she had let go. Her twin, Adriana—the less exuberant one— was standing at the back, quietly waiting her turn to greet me. She constantly fidgeted, playing with her hair and biting her nails. Carl, the youngest, had already said his ‘Hello’s’ and headed back inside to catch the rest of the Sex and the City re-runs.
“Hey, Seth,” she said, deadpan. She lifted her gaze from the floor and met mine.
I felt myself smile. It was like there was a glow coming from deep inside her. She smiled warmly back.
I could not look away from her. I hadn’t noticed that everyone else had gone inside. She dropped her eyes again, blushing deeply into the ground. The light was gone and I was shut off from the source of beauty. I blinked several times, trying to adjust them after seeing such brightness.
“Well, err…we’d better get inside.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, though I didn’t hear what she had said. I was still looking at her. Her heart-shaped face. Her deep brown eyes. Her full lips, her singing-like voice. Unknowingly, I walked inside. In the living room were Alicia, Carl and Mr and Mrs Cassidy. Alicia looked warily at me, probably wondering what took me so long. Dawn was laying dinner on the table and Patrick was helping. Carl was oblivious to anything happening around him. He was sitting on the sofa, laughing hysterically at the TV while wearing Lycra shorts. I felt like also laughing.
“Has anyone seen Adriana?” Dawn asked her children.
“She’s probably in her room…again. Honestly, that girl is so melodramatic all the time.” Her twin sister replied instantly.
“Alicia!” Patrick scolded.
“I think she went for a walk,” Carl observed.
“Maybe I should go and find her?” Patrick said.
“I’ll go,” I offered, excitedly. “I was going to go out anyway,” I said more calmly. Mr Cassidy looked puzzled, but otherwise did not object.
*
It didn’t take me long to spot Adriana sitting alone by a pond alone, carelessly throwing pebbles into it.
“Hey, Adriana.” She turned round to see me walking toward her. She pulled on her sleeve and used the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. Her make-up was smeared across her face.
“Hiya, Seth,” she croaked. “Whatcha doing here?” she turned back round and continued tossing the pebbles into the pond.
“I like the fresh air,” I answered, “and, there’s only so much Will and Grace one person can take.”
She smiled weakly and nodded. “I’m guessing Carl’s stolen the remote then?”
“Yeah. What about you? What are you doing out here?” I sat down on the bench next to her.
“Just chilling,” she mumbled.
“So why were you crying?” I pressed.
“I’m not. I’ve got hay fever, that’s all.” I’m sure she could have seen my face change and knew that I didn’t believe her. She quickly changed the subject, obviously bothered by my prying. “You know, I should be getting home.”
“Why so soon? It’s only three o’clock,” I insisted.
“Thanks for caring, but I have stuff to sort out.” She sniffed and blinked back a few more tears from occurring.
“How about we go on the swings,” I offered, worried about how she was, but to afraid to ask.
“The swings?” she asked, as if questioning my sanity.
“Yeah! I promise not to push you too hard,” I teased. Something about the fact that she was so hurt troubled me. I wanted to erase all the pain from her face, to hold her and tell her it was all OK.
She thought this over and then said, “Go on, then. I don’t think I’ve been on them for years now.”
I jumped up and tugged on her arm. She fidgeted, trying to make me let go.
“Come on!”
I began running in the direction of the play park and she followed, the wind blowing fallen leaves in our faces. The park was practically empty, so no-one was there to witness to my childish behaviour. I sat down, bended my knees and kicked my legs out to allow me to go as high as I could. The swing creaked in annoyance, but I ignored it.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Adriana moaned. “What are people gonna think?”
“Who cares?” I replied nonchalantly. “Have some fun! Jump on!”
She sat down on the swing next to me and began to push herself forward and back. We both giggled and laughed erratically whilst swinging. I was glad to see that Adriana had cheered up, even if it was only temporary. I tried my best to steer any conversation that erupted from anything that might upset her again.
“My legs are aching,” she whined after about 15 minutes.
“Urgh, you’re such a girl,” I joked.
She burst out laughing, a scene which made me smile too. “Talk about stating the obvious,” she said through her laughing fit.
I nudged her playfully in the side. “Fine then, Einstein. What should we do next?”
“I was hoping I could go home, unless you’ve got any better ideas.”
“Yeah,” I lied. The truth was; I didn’t want her to leave. Not yet anyway.
“What are they?”
““Ice-cream?” I offered. “There’s an ice-cream van down there.” I pointed to the van parked further down the pathway.
“Pathetic,” she laughed. “I’m leaving.” I grabbed her arm and twisted her body round till she was in my embrace.
“Are you always this stubborn?” I found myself asking. “Just like your sister.” I froze. I desperately wanted to un-do what I had just said, but it was too late. The stitches around the wound in my heart broke and the pain came gushing out. From my expression, I could tell Adriana knew what sister I was referring to.
Gently, with her fingertips, she traced each crease in my forehead and my face muscles relaxed minimally. Placing each of her palms on either side of my face, I found that my face fit perfectly in her hands. I healed for a moment, and for that same moment the glow was back. The one that only I could see. The one that was bright enough to out-shine the sun.
“Don’t worry Seth. It’s all going to be alright,” she whispered against my cheek.
“Will it?”
“I miss her too. More than you could ever imagine,” she murmured, burying her head into my shoulders. I tried my best to comfort her; after all she had lost her sister. But feeling her close to me like this felt better than it should. Like I didn’t want to let go
Then suddenly, unexpected things began to happen.

Our eyes locked, as did our lips.

The bright light of the summers day shone in, illuminating Adriana’s beauty in ways I had never before seen.

“Oh, Seth.”

I couldn’t answer. Instead I found myself completely engulfed in the moment.

Time stood still as I let myself love—and be loved.

My mind and reason were not together at this moment, so I saw no point for her to stop—or want to.
But then, abruptly, she pulled away. The light was still there but, in the blink of an eye, it was gone.
“What’s wrong?” I breathed against her chin.
There was a pause.
Adriana’s hands had dropped to her side and she was staring down, as she usually did. The light, the only way to see deep inside her, was dead. I had no idea what she was feeling at that time.
She held up her hand delicately and the sunlight caught on the strip of gold tied round the fourth finger on her left hand.
“Married?” I repeated stupidly. Of course she was!
“We really should be getting back now,” she spoke to the floor. Her face was as broken as it had been earlier, like all our time together had had no effect on her at all.
We started to walk home, slowly, step by step. The silence gave me a lot of time to think. Thinking was exactly what I had been avoiding.
If only she knew what she was doing to me? How was it that Adriana had so much power over me? With one look, she could wash the pain away. Was it…love? It couldn’t be! I wouldn’t allow it…could I? I knew perfectly well how unpredictable love could be. It could take you at your most vulnerable moments and give you hope. What else could it be…?
Pity. She pitied me; that was all. I was broken, why would she want me? I couldn’t let myself get deeply into thinking this. It was foolish of me to feel hope. I was a magnet for pain.
A poem sprung to mind. He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven.

I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
At that moment, my dreams were completely shattered.

Playlist.com HAs Decided That It Doesn't Want To Work On My Computer Anymore, But The Desired Song For This Chapter Was Use Somebody By Kings Of Leon.
Hope You Enjoyed!!=D

Permalink Reply by Georgia on September 17, 2009 at 2:08pm

Omg Carmen. Ii'm Practically Crying You Spaz!

Excellent Chapter. Honestly. Very Powerfully Written. Hark At Me, The Dumbass Commenting On This Genius Bit Of Work.
Yes, I Am Licking Your Arse So You'll Call Tonightt! I Need To Talk :]

Awesome Chapter Though Babe!
I Was Listening To Happy By Leona Lewis When I Was Reading This. That Also Fits :]] xxx

LoveeeeYouuLardooo :D xx

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