My fanfic appears to have been deleted....so he is the updated version. Hope you enjoy it! all feedback welcome!
I don't claim to own any of the part in italics – they are direct quotes from stephenie meyer's eclipse
“The worst part....” I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. “The worst part is that I saw the whole thing – our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, its killing me...”
“You can't or you wont?” Jacob whispered in my ear.
I could hear the tears in his voice, the hesitance. It killed me to hear him like that. The truth was that I loved him. I was in love with him. I loved him with every part of me.
“Just hear me out. You said yourself, you love me. And you know that I love you. I would go to the ends of the earth for you. I would give anything for you. My heart, my soul...”
I froze, those two words stunned me like a punch to the chest. My soul. If Edward was right my soul would be gone soon. It suddenly hit me how nervous about that I was.
“....we were meant to be Bella, we're soul mates. I know it.”
I lay there still on his chest, considering his words.
“Jake, I know you love me, and I know that what your saying is probably true, I just need time....”
“Well I'm not going anywhere Bells, you know I'm here for you, just like I always have been.”
I pulled away sharply, after all he had said he was making a dig at Edward for leaving me.
“Your really trying to score points over Edward at a time like this?” I asked as I stood up and straightened my dress down. “You know what Jake, you nearly had me, for a second I questioned myself. For a second I thought you'd been right all along.”
I headed for the door and grabbed the handle. Suddenly his warm hands were on my shoulders as he leant to my ear to whisper.
“You'll always have me Bella, take all the time you need. I'll wait as long as it takes.”
A wave of heat ran through me. Passion or fury, I didn't know. I felt my eyes fill with tears. I didn't want him to see me cry. I needed to get out of there. To breathe.
I shrugged Jake off and pulled the door, headed for my truck.
The tears came sooner than I expected. I fired up the truck and headed out of La Push.
When I couldn't see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. But I wasn't alone for very long – just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open....
“Don't” I sobbed as Edward tried to scoop me into his arms.
“Bella...” he whispered
“No!” I tried to shout through the sobs but it sounded more like a muffled whisper. “I need to be alone, just, please”
“Let me drive you home at least.” Edward replied.
I scooted over and let him take the drivers seat. Hoping that for once he would drive the speed he usually drove in his Volvo. No such luck.
He was silent all the way home. I could feel his usual confident composure slipping away. I knew my state was scaring him. It added to the hurt to know I was hurting him.
I was hysterical. The tears wouldn't stop pouring from my face and I couldn't do anything to stop it. The pain ripped through me. How could I do this to Jacob? Although I knew he was trying to point score he was right, he had always been there for me. I knew that until my dying breath he would be. Whether that was out of old age or out of being...changed.
After what seemed like a lifetime the house came into sight. I needed to be alone.
“Bella, I don't know what to do. Let me help you. I've never seen you like this...”
“No because last time you abandoned me” I spat back. I didn't know where the anger was coming from. Suddenly the rage inside me grew. “Last time I was in this state it was because of you. And you were nowhere to be found. You left me Edward. Do you remember that?”
“Of course I remember that” he whispered back looking down at the key in the ignition as he turned it off. “And I'll apologise for the rest of your life if that is what it takes. I was trying to protect you...”
“Protect me? Protect me! By leaving me to fall into depression? Wishing I was dead? Risking my life for the chance of seeing you again? Tell me how that was protecting me?” I shouted. My emotions were running away with me now. I knew my words were hurting him but I couldn't stop.
“Bella I...” he began. His voice was frantic now as he leaned towards me to try and get hold of my hand.
“No!” I pulled quickly hitting my elbow on the door. “No. Just....don't touch me. I need time.”
“What?” I demanded “what's so funny?”
“I'm sorry” he replied, immediately his voice returning to the frantic state. “It's just now you need time? You wanted to be changed as quickly as possible. Now you need time?”
“Oh so you as well now? Now you're trying to point score? Well good for you!”
Don't come to my room tonight. If you don't want to give me time then …. then don't. You left me once. And I'll be dammed if I let you do that to me again.”
I jumped out my truck slamming the door and stormed up the path way, knowing that my last sentence would be cutting through him like a knife.
In that moment I wanted to turn and run to him. Comfort him. Tell him I didn't mean those words.
I turned to the truck and he had already gone.
Luckily Charlie had fallen asleep on the sofa. Trying to hold back the tears and remain quiet I turned off the flat screen and gently threw the blanket over Charlie before retreating to the safety of my room. I knew he would be waiting. Regardless of my wishes.
“I told you not to be here” I muttered as I closed the door behind me.
I was shocked to see Alice in front of me.
It took me a second before the panic set in. Had I made the decision? In my subconscious? Had she seen it before me?
“Edward wanted me to comfort you. You know that you're like a sister to me. Nothing could change that. Not even if you were not sure that you wanted to become one of us anymore.”
“Alice wait, I just....”
“Bella if you want to stay human we will all understand. We want you to be happy. I love my family, I love Jasper, this is what the powers chose for me. Fate I suppose. But if I were in your position...” she hesitated “I'm not sure I would put myself up for this.”
The confusion of this was too much to bear. I put my head in my hands. I needed to be alone.
“I will leave you to your thoughts. I just wanted to let you know, to make sure you knew that I will be here for you no matter what.”
He voice was barely a whisper “Edward needs me now.”
When I looked up she had gone. Leaving just the flutter of my curtains behind her like a cool breeze.
I dropped to the bed and the pain hit me once more. I pulled my knees to my chin and let the tears fall from my face. How could I chose? How could I let one of them be in this kind of pain? I wouldn't wish this hurt on anyone. How had I managed to fall in love with two people?
From the moment I had set eyes on Edward I had known that he was the one for me. It had been embedded on my mind, on my heart. How could I question that now?
On the other hand Jacob was my life line, for a better choice of words. My best friend. My soul mate. Part of me wanted to take the kiss back, so that I would never be in this position. But I knew I couldn't. And if I was honest, I didn't want too. It was done. Jacob knew how I felt and even worse, Edward would know. Even if he didn't know already, I knew that Jacob would push it to the forefront of his mind next time they came into contact. So that he could torture Edward with it. Did I really want to be with someone who would cause that pain on someone else?
Yet I would cause pain for one of them. Whether I wanted it to happen or not.
All Edward had ever wanted since we met was too protect me. I knew that. But I also knew that he had left me. And I could never forget that. I didn't know if I could forgive him for that not matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.
I stared down at my bracelet letting each charm slide through my fingers. The beautiful wolf that Jacob had carved for me. The exquisite diamond heart that Edward had given me.
For hours the same thoughts pulsed through my head as I held each charm in turn.
When the tears stopped I gave in to the exhaustion and allowed myself to sleep. Knowing that in the morning, I would break someone's heart. I only wish that I knew whose that would be.
I woke to the sound of an engine running. I walked to the window to see Charlie pulling away in his cruiser. Headed for the station no doubt. Part of me was glad to have him out of the way today.
It took me a moment to realise that my head was pounding. I looked around the room for pain killers before deciding that a shower was probably the best medication.
As I let the cool water rush over me I knew that my decision had been made. And that I had to stick with that decision. I could not continue to torture Edward or Jacob in this way. I loved them both more than my own existence.
I dressed slowly. Part of me was in no rush to get the day over with. But part of me wanted to run to him. To hold him. To tell him that I knew for sure now. He was the one for me. And that this time it was forever.
As I made my way to the truck I caught a glimpse of movement in the woods. A wolf? A vampire? I couldn't be sure.
This was it. I had to stand by my decision.
I climbed into the truck and headed out. The window down allowing the morning air to wash over me. To clear my mind. The silence of the open road calmed me.
But not for long. As I reached the boundary line I saw him stood by the road side.
I pulled in beside him, my heart in my mouth, and got out of the truck.
“Alice told me.” he began as he enveloped me in a hug, his cool cheek resting against the top of my head.
“Edward, I have to tell him...” I began.
“I know my love” he replied as he tilted my chin to look into his eyes. Dark now I noticed. Darker than I had seen since the first time I saw him in the chemistry lab if that was possible.
He kissed me, hard, cold. I surrendered to his touch and kissed him back. It was electric. Tears welled in my eyes, the kiss brought memories of our good times together. But it also reminded me of the time when I couldn't kiss him. When he was no where to be found.
“I had to make a decision.” I whispered as he twined his fingers through mine lifting my wrist so I could see my bracelet.
“Alice saw the charm drop just after midnight. I knew your decision had been made.”
For the first time I noticed that the charm was missing. It wasn't intentional. Or was it?
“This decision is forever Bella, you know that? Right?”
“Yes” I murmured in response. “I'm sorry that you had to see my like that last night. I'm sorry for the words I said. You know that I didn't mean to hurt you.”
“I know, I know my love” he whispered quickly as he pulled me to him and kissed my hair holding the back of my head with one hand and my waist with the other. Tightly. Tighter than he had held me before.
“I love you Bella. More than you will ever know.”
And with that, he was gone.
I stood for a moment, staring at nothing. Letting my thoughts run with me. Had I made a mistake?
I shook myself and took in a deep breathe. I needed to hold myself together. Deep down I knew that I had made the right choice. It was the only choice. It was my destiny.
And then I heard them. The wolves. Their howls loud and clear. Happy. Triumphant.
I looked down to the bracelet, held the wooden wolf tightly in my hand and finally let a smile spread across my face.
I turned and walked towards the truck, the anticipation took over me, forching me into a run before jumping into the drivers seat.
As I closed the door I saw Seth appear in wolf form through the woods at the road side.
“Is he transformed Seth?” I asked nervously. I wanted to be the one to tell Jacob. I didn't want him to hear this from the pack.
Suddenly it hit me that he couldn't answer me.
“Lay down if he is Seth” I said, I could hear the desperation in my voice. He stood tall and made a sharp grunt at me.
“Okay okay, I know your not a pet. But please, just this once?” I spoke quickly. He cocked his head to one side and stood tall again.
“If he transforms think about something else Seth, I want to be the one to tell him.” I shouted out the window as I pressed my foot to the floor and headed to the reservation.
As Jacobs house came into sight the nerves kicked in. My palms were sweating. I glanced at myself in the rear view mirror. I looked awful.
As the van rolled to a stop I took another deep breath before sliding out of the truck.
“Billy...” I began as he rolled himself onto the porch.
“He's waiting for you” Billy replied impassive. I couldn't work out whether he was pleased to see me or not. Darn Seth... had he told already?
I headed for Jacob's room. It was empty. I looked out the window and saw him pacing out the back. One arm folded across his chest, he was chewing his thumb nail on the other hand. He looked so nervous. I'd never seen him like that before. Brows furrowed deep in thought.
“Hey” I called to him. He immediately came to the window and lifted me out. His old smile creeping across his face for a second before he seemed to force it to disappear again. His warm hands against my skin felt different now.
“I had a feeling you were coming” he said as he placed me gently in front of him. His hands dropped from my arms as soon as I was safe on the floor.
“Jake...” I began.
“Bells, please, let me first” he pleaded.
I stood confused. This was not the way I expected things to go. He looked so... tortured.
“I love you.” he declared. Confident and clear. “I love you more than words can describe. Those 3 words don't do how I feel justice. When you left yesterday I ran. I ran and ran for miles just thinking about you. About us. And I realised, I don't need to imprint. The way I feel about you is bigger than that. Its euphoric. You are my heart, Bells. I cant let you go again. I cant bear it.”
A feeling of relief washed over me. I stared into his dark eyes for a moment taking them in.
“Say something” he said pleadingly crouching slightly so he was face to face with me. His eyes full with tears. “I cant bear this any longer, I need you to...”
“Jake stop” I said
“No Bella” his hands on my shoulders now, shaking me slightly “I need to make you see, you're my everything”
“Sssshhhh” I replied, allowing myself a nervous giggle. “Jacob, just kiss me”
His hands left my shoulders like I had shocked him. He stepped back. Looking confused he ran a hand through his thick black hair. It felt like a lifetime had passed when finally his eyes locked on mine and he asked “huh?”
I smiled again.
“I said, kiss...” but before I could finish his warm lips were on mine. And it felt right. I kissed him back pulling myself onto my tiptoes wanting to get closer to him. He felt warmer than his 108 degrees now, almost to hot to bear.
Our past flew past my eyes. How had it taken me so long to realise. I loved Jake. I was in love with Jake.
I felt Jake giggling against my lips and pulled back still in his arms. Had he changed his mind? Jake read the confusion on my face. I was an open book to him.
“We have an audience” he whispered. I turned to see the wolf pack in the tree line. On queue they began to howl again.
I giggled and turned back to Jake letting my face rest against warm dark chest. I stood there for a moment taking in the heat before looking back into his chocolate eyes.
“Jake” I began, “I don't need to imprint on you, because you've already imprinted on me...in my own useless human kind of way” I smiled.
For once Jake seemed speechless. He pulled me into a kiss again, I could feel his smile against my lips and smiled back.
“I love you Isabella” he murmured warm and sweet into my ear.
I giggled knowing what he wanted to do. “Go ahead” I said. He smiled at me again. The old Jake smile? I wasn't sure. It was just Jake's smile to me now.
His face was beautiful as broke away from me into a run and transformed mid air. Show off. I laughed as he ran to his pack and they ran around excited, like a soccer team that had just scored the winning goal. Billy was at my side within seconds. He gently touched my hand and we both broke into laughter again.
Charlie was right. Sometimes you've got to learn to love whats good for you. And I knew Jacob Black was good for me.