I've been working on this fan fiction for about a month I suppose and I've been posting it on Fan Fiction.Net. It's called The Twilight Saga - Solar Flare. It's basically the story of what would have happened if Jacob and Bella had kissed in New Moon without that phone call interrupting them. It's the story of what would happen if Jacob and Edward's roles were reversed. I've already got 3 chapters made and I'm working on chapter 4 now. I thought I might as well post them here as well.
The story begins right when they're about to kiss.
"Bella," Jacob whispered.
I was frozen.
No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.
Maybe it would feel nice. Maybe it wouldn't feel like a betrayal. True love was forever lost, so who was I betraying? Only myself.
Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. The closer he got, the more unsure I became. Was I really going to do this? How badly would this end up? Would this end badly? He held my face still and closed his eyes as his lips met mine, my eyes shut as well, a little too tight.
As his mouth had discovered my passive resistance, he moved his right hand to the back of my head and his left gently around my waist, pulling me closer now. The closer I became, the more my lips would resist. I wasn't trying to pull away, but wouldn't respond back, I couldn't. Jacob could see this now, he started to rub the back of neck trying to get a response out of me; I just couldn't.
That's when Jacob stopped, his right hand slowly releasing my neck, his left unwrapping around my waist, and his lips fading away. I didn't need to look at Jacob to see the hurt, I could feel it, and his pain was my pain. Something in me broke free just then and I couldn't hold it back. My hands reacted before I could realize it, my left arm wrapping around his waist, my right hand grabbing the back of his head, pulling him closer to me now. Just as I could feel his pain, I could feel his joy now too. Jacob responded almost instantly; he wrapped his arms around me and began kissing me back, his warm lips gentle. I couldn't tell how long we were kissing, it felt like forever, and I didn't want it to stop.
That's when it hit me; I'd been wrong all this time, I'd been lying to myself. Jacob was more than just my friend, he was more than someone I could rely on to make me feel better. I knew I needed him more than I needed most people, but I had no idea just how much until now. I've never felt happier before, after being so abnormal for so long, it's like a breath of air after being underwater for hours. The hole in my chest is completely gone now, I didn't think it were possible, but Jacob cured everything. He is everything to me, I was in love with him. I'd loved him all this time, but I was too afraid to get it through my thick skull. I was too afraid of betrayal, too afraid of him. I wonder if I'll ever hear his voice again, not that it mattered anymore.
Suddenly I felt Jacob stiffen up, he jerked away from me and released his arms. I opened my eyes, ready to pull him back, but he was shaking again. The expression on his face was half angry and half horrified.
He jetted for the front door, grabbing the handle with a little too much force. I stumbled after him with my arm out in front of me.
"No!" I shouted. It was a reflex.
Jacob stopped then, releasing the handle. He looked at me distraught, still standing right next to the door. He took a quick glance at the door handle and back at me, like he was deciding something. I didn't want him to leave, now more than ever. Did he have to leave now? If he did leave, would I go with him? What about Alice?
Jacob turned his entire body in my direction. He slowly walked toward me, wrapped his one arm around my waist, and positioned himself in front of me, as if trying to protect me.
Protect me from what, was Victoria nearby? Did she get past Embry and Jared? Was she attracted her by Alice? That's when it hit me, Alice, of course. Alice came through the back door and walked gracefully into the kitchen, resting her arms onto the kitchen table. Jacob backed us away toward the sink, he was shaking again and his teeth were clenched. Alice's face did not look approving either.
"I see you two get along well," Alice judged, staring directly at Jacob.
I nodded gently, a little embarrassed. Jacob pulled me closer to him.
"Alice this is Jacob. Jacob, Alice," I said, blushing now.
Jacob stabbed me a disgusted look and growled. Alice rolled her eyes at me.
"Bella, I think it's time I left."
Jacob gave a brief sigh of relief, while still holding me tight.
"No!" I shouted. Jacob stabbed another look at me, a look of betrayal.
"Really though, Bella, I think it's time I left. If Edward finds out I'm here…" Alice explained, looking a bit nervous, "He can get really angry sometimes."
I flinched a little and Jacob growled again.
"Do you have to go now? Just a few more weeks, please?" I begged.
"I'm really sorry Bella, but it has to be tonight," She said, looking truly sorry.
"Tonight. Good," Jacob muttered under his breath. Alice seemed to hear that and glared at him again. She looked back at me, suddenly cheerful.
"How about we spend the entire day doing whatever you want together. We could drive around, catch a movie, go to the mall, I'll buy you whatever you want. We won't separate for a second," She said, smiling wide.
I nodded sadly. "Yeah, that sounds good."
"You don't look very happy."
"No, I am. Really."
Alice pouted. "It's the best I can do. All the clothes you want, on me."
Jacob's shaking began to increase, his teeth clenched, and his eyes shut tight. I embraced him, it was almost instinctual.
"Jake, please. Calm," I whispered.
"Right…calm," He whispered back, his body going stiff now with only his hands shaking.
"We can go as soon as you put the dog out," Alice said critically. Jacob began to shake again.
"Calm," I reminded. His shaking only slowed down this time. He released me and started to back away.
"Don't worry, leech. I was just going," He hissed. He looked at me, his expression broken, "Bye, Bella."
Jacob began to walk towards the front door. I wrapped me arms around him, trying to get him to stop. "No, please. Stay. Please," I begged.
Jacob turned to look at me. "Bella, I have to go. I was only supposed to come here and get information. I have to report back."
My face fell, of course he was right. He was a werewolf, she was a vampire, and Jacob had responsibilities. But I didn't want to let him go, it was either go with Jacob and abandon Alice or go with Alice and leave Jacob betrayed. Stupid conflict. Why couldn't they just get along?
"Can't you just tell Embry and Jared, and then come back?" I insisted.
Jacob made a disgusted sound. "I don't think so, Bella. Besides, we've been neglecting treaty lines enough as it is."
Alice sighed. "Well, I'm the only Cullen here. So I guess if I say it's okay for now, than there shouldn't be a problem. For now." She grumbled.
My face lit up giving Alice a look of thanks. Jacob looked at her half angry, half confused, and back at me.
"You seriously want me around her? Remember what I said earlier, Bella."
I hadn't forgotten. This could end badly, very badly. By the end of the day, both of them might end up… I couldn't even think about it. I'm not going to let my selfishness hurt them both. I had to choose.
Before I could say a thing, Jacob wiped a tear from my eye. I was crying, I hadn't realized. He stood there for a few seconds, once again distraught. He then grabbed my arms and freed himself from my embrace. He stomped out the front, slamming the door behind him. My legs started to shake.
Alice made her way next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. "Sorry." She mouthed the word.
I rested my cheek on her head trying to fight back the tears that were welling up. This was for the best, right? I can manage to be away from Jacob for today, couldn't I? Just then, Alice groaned and released her arm from around me, folding them over her chest.
"Great. Just wonderful," She said with heavy sarcasm.
"What? What's wrong?" I asked, my voice breaking.
"The dog's tagging along."
I gasped, my eyes widened at the thought. I then heard a shout coming from outside, followed by angry and irritated voices. Were they arguing? My eyes were locked on the front door now. After a minute, I heard the sound of an engine starting up, followed by the squeal of the tires driving off, all a little too quickly. My eyes were still locked onto the door, my heart was racing.
The door slowly opened and Jacob came through. He looked at me and smiled, I smiled back wiping the tears that had escaped my efforts. Jacob glared at Alice, eyes very distrustful. Alice stared back at him with the same eyes.
"You better watch yourself," Jacob warned.
"Oh please, I should be saying that to you." Alice turned toward me, changing her expression to cheerful again. "So, where to first?"
"Really, you should decide. I'm sure you have better ideas than me."
"Oh, but I'm doing this for you."
"I think your last day here," I grimaced at the words, "Should be exactly what you want."
"Hmm…" Alice looked far off in concentration. Jacob put his arm around me again and backed away from Alice.
"It's okay," I whispered to him.
"Don't wanna take any chances," He whispered back through his teeth.
Alice groaned loudly, suddenly very irritated. She glared at Jacob.
"This would be so much easier if I could see our plans and go by those." She put extra emphasis on 'see'.
Jacob raised one eyebrow in confusion, but his face quickly lightened into one of understanding. He laughed once mockingly. "What? The future to blurry for you?"
Alice's mouth fell open for a split second, she gave me an accusing look. I let my head fall, looking up at her with apologetic eyes.
Alice sighed. "Yes, because you're around."
Jacob's eyes widened in surprise. "You can't see the future when I'm around?" That's great!"
Alice let a growl escape her teeth. I changed the subject. "Why don't we go see a movie first? Sound like a plan?"
"Sure," Alice agreed, "As long as we take Carlisle's car."
Alice headed out the front door leaving it wide open. Jacob hesitated to move, I tried nudging him with my elbow, no effect. Alice came back into view, seeing her clearly through the open door, she gave Jacob a mocking smile.
"Scared?" She called back.
Jacob rolled his eyes, but it seemed to do the trick. Jacob kept his arm securely around me and headed out the door slowly. Alice had already gotten in the driver's seat and the car door to the backseats was already open. Alice must have guessed that we'd want to sit together. Jacob walked up to the car at the same pace and hesitantly got in with me alongside him. I closed the door.
"Ugh, it stinks," Jacob groaned silently.
Alice turned the keys in the ignition and drove off immediately. Alice drove fast, almost as fast as Edward did; to think that I was frightened by the speed of the motorcycles. Jacob was very restless the whole way. He fidgeted, shifting his body from side to side and re-adjusted his arm around me. This was ridiculous, the point of this was to have fun with Alice, have fun while she's still here. How are we suppose to have fun when she and Jacob will be at each other's throats the whole time, it defeats the purpose. Maybe this is what I deserve, for being so selfish.
We were almost there, took no time at all, Jacob groaned and started staring at the car floor. He then, to my surprise, started to laugh.
"I cannot believe I'm doing this," Jacob laughed at himself, "Not only am I tagging along for your girl time, but with a bloodsucker as well. I've really lost it."
I hung my head down, slightly turning to look at his face. I was about to apologize, but Alice caught me off guard.
"We're here!" Alice sang, "So, what're we going to see?"
My head snapped up at her voice, that was a good question. I suggested the movies, but had no idea what to go see. I just wanted to get out of the house before Alice and Jake killed each other. My past experiences going to the movies were not entirely pleasant ones, I hoped that this wouldn't be the worst.
Alice waited for my answer; I grimaced at having to be the one to decide. Jacob raised his head and sighed.
"I hear Tomorrow and Forever's pretty popular," He suggested, looking directly at me, ignoring Alice.
I nodded my head, eager to agree, I was up for anything. Then it came back to me, I remember I'd turned down this movie before, back when Mike asked me. It was back when I was too broken to handle a romance. How would I feel now? I truly believe that the hole in my chest is somewhat gone at least, plus I have Jacob and Alice, for the moment. Maybe it won't be so bad.
"Bella," Alice looked at me doubtfully, "Is that what you want?"
Alice got out and opened the door on my side. She reached out and took my hand, a warm smile lit up her face. Jacob, with his arm still securely around my waist, pulled me back. Alice grabbed my hand again and yanked, while Jacob firmly resisted. It was a brief match of tug-of-war with me as the rope, both competitors glaring each other down.
"Jake!" I snapped at him.
Jacob grimaced but gave up, releasing me hesitantly. Alice yanked me from my seat, causing me to stumble, but she caught me before I could cause any damage to myself.
"Sorry," She apologized, "Forgot how fragile you were."
"You sound like Edward."
Jacob got out on his side and made his way next to me, Alice to my right and Jacob to my left. We headed toward the theater; Alice bought two tickets for herself and me, leaving Jacob to pay for his own.
There weren't that many people in the theater, I'm assuming everyone had seen the movie already. It had been out for a while, this might be it's last week in theaters. We sat down, Alice to my right and Jacob to my left like before. I kept my eyes on them both cautiously; they wouldn't fight in here would they?
Alice suddenly started giggling, I looked up at the screen and a man was coming up with every excuse in the book to keep from getting fired. I was so occupied with watching Alice and Jake that I hadn't realized that the movie started already, for who knows how long.
I actually began to watch now; the man that got fired meets a rich woman who enjoys working with children. They fall in love and the man begins to help out with the children too, while still jobless. The man is secretly involved in some shady business involving loans and dangerous favors. The woman finds out what he's up to and the man confesses all that he's done, which in turn gets the woman involved.
So far the movie was pretty good; I wasn't feeling any pain from what I've seen up until now. Unfortunately, I'd spoken too soon. The man felt terrible for burdening the woman in his problems and decides to leave her.
I winced at the words "I don't want you to come." The man had spoken the same words as his. My head sank, I didn't want to look up at the screen anymore, I felt tense.
Jacob saw this; he put his arm around my shoulder and leaned his head against mine. I rested my head on his shoulder and shifted closer to him. Normally, something like this would set me off. I could see myself breaking into tears, screaming, and running out of the theater after witnessing this. But Jacob made everything so much better, he was my own personal sun again, but something else radiated from him besides the usual happiness and comfort. Love.
I let out a deep sigh of relief and looked up at the screen. Apparently I had missed a lot; the man was already begging the woman to take him back, saying that they can work something out as long as they're together. The woman all too happily takes him back and they agree to start a new life together somewhere far away.
The credits started rolling and the lights came back on. Alice eagerly got up and started toward the exit, Jacob and I followed.
Back in the car, Alice started the engine immediately but left it in park for a few minutes.
"Mmm, cliché ending," Alice said, looking thoughtful. Jacob nodded his head, looking past Alice.
"Yeah," Jacob looked at me now, "It's better than that other movie you took me to, though."
He laughed and I joined in; comparing it to Tomorrow and Forever just makes Crosshairs seem even more ridiculous. Alice looked back at me, a wide smile across her face.
"Shopping now?" Alice asked, delighted. I rolled my eyes.
"Of course, Alice."
"I'll make sure you have the most beautiful clothes in the store."
"Don't overdo it."
Alice pouted; she started driving straight for the mall which wasn't far from the movie theater at all. It took only two minutes to get there.
I told her not to overdo it, but in the end she ignored me. We went to every clothing store the mall had to offer, buying at least three things from each one. Every so often Alice would find something that she wanted for herself and get me the same one in my size. Jacob was enjoying the ordeal even less than I was; Alice was making him carry all the clothes. I could tell Jake was trying very hard not to lose his temper, I had to tell Alice to ease up a little. Alice was having the time of her life however, at least she was happy.
By the time we were done, it was dark out. The bright headlights of cars were passing by, avoiding people as they walked out of the mall and varies other stores around us.
"Well, I'd better get you home," Alice reminded.
I nodded slowly, knowing what will happen afterwards. The drive home felt longer, either Alice wasn't driving as fast as before or I was just trying to cling onto this moment for as long as I could.
Charlie wasn't there when we walked in. He must still be at the Clearwater's, probably doing whatever he can to help out. I felt bad that I wasn't there too, felt even worse that I was keeping Jacob away. I sat down on the sofa and Jacob joined me. Alice was arranging the clothes she bought in one pile and the clothes for me in another on the kitchen table. In a flash, she darted upstairs and my new clothes disappeared. The next second she was back, looking as cheerful as before.
"Hope you don't mind, but I'm sure you'll find your new beautiful clothes in perfect order," Alice said confidently.
Alice started to stare off into the distance, her expression lost. Jacob shifted himself closer to me in a protective position. Alice let out a gasp, her cheerful expression didn't return.
"It's time for me to go."
I couldn't speak, I just let my head fall.
"I'm sorry Bella, but it's time. I can't stay any longer."
I just nodded. I was starting to feel the pain come back to me.
"Come on." Alice grabbed my hand and lifted me off the sofa. She led me outside to her car, Jacob followed quickly.
She let go of my hand to give me a hug. Her hard cold skin felt strangely soft and gentle when her arms wrapped around me. The wind blew her sweet clean scent toward me, I'd remember it for a while. I embraced her back, trying very hard to fight back tears. It seemed to last for a lifetime.
"Bye Bella," She said quietly in my ear, "I promise I'll be back."
She nodded, "Promise."
Edward's cold lips, hard as stone, moved against mine in a way that felt so familiar, yet so incredibly different. I squeezed my eyes shut and my whole body tensed up as his lips searched for a response from me. I could tell he was trying to be gentle with me, but I didn't think it mattered much when he wasn't letting me escape. He lightly ran his hand up my right arm that was locked to my side and his cold touch sent shivers through me. My other hand was pressed against his chest in preparation to try and push him away, but what would've been the point when I knew he wouldn't budge. He continued kissing my non-moving lips and rubbed my shoulder soothingly, trying to make me loosen up. I felt a strong emotion swell up inside me, begging to be released the more he tried getting me to respond to him.
Although his lips were patient and loving, I was still shocked. I wasn't expecting this from Edward at all. Gentle or not, I should've been furious. I should've tried getting away as best I could, even if it was useless. I should've yelled, if anything just to get my point across that I didn't want this. His kiss, so foreign in many ways, should've felt too hard, too cold, and just not right. There was a lot that should've been…but weren't.
My arms, that I should've been using to push him away, instead found their way around his neck, pulling him closer. My rigid body soon began to melt into his ironically cold embrace. He held me tighter and I could feel the joy in his lips as he kissed me much more enthusiastically, and I welcomed it. A kiss so cold, so hard, but it felt right, different, but right. My lips that were once motionless were now very active as they matched his every movement with just as much eagerness as he displayed. As close as we already were together, at that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be even closer. I could tell Edward still had no plans on letting me go anytime soon, but that wasn't a problem anymore. I didn't want to be let go.
As we kissed, my brain started asking me the same question over and over again. Why? Why was I doing this? But I asked right back, why are you asking why? The answer was completely obvious. I was still in love with Edward. I loved him. It didn't matter what he did, how he acted, or how long a time we were apart. I loved him, always had and always would. Looking back, it was stupid of me to deny it in the first place. Who was I kidding? No one, but myself. Edward was right. After all that I've felt for him, after everything that we've been through, there was no way that could be brushed aside so easily; I didn't think it ever could.
The longer our lips danced together, the more enveloped I became in "us". Images began flashing in my mind as I recaptured the love we had; the day I met him in Biology class, the time he saved me from being crushed by Tyler's van, the moment I realized he was a vampire, our first time going to the meadow, his rescuing me from James, and even our prom night. The memories all displayed perfectly in my mind like I was watching it unfold a second time, but it didn't end there. New images started to flash by.
I could see Edward and I standing in front of a small but beautiful cottage that looked like it could be straight from a fairytale. The area looked different though, unlike anything I recognized in Forks. Edward smiled that beautifully crooked smile of his and lightly rubbed my hand that was much paler than usual. To the right of us was a small pond with pebbles decorating the border. I curiously went over to take a look at it. The water was very clean and I could see my reflection clearly. What I saw caught me off guard. I could see myself, but I looked so different. My skin was just as pale as Edward's, my hair silky and shiny as it hung over my shoulders, and my face completely free of any wrinkles or uneven features. I did look different, I looked far too beautiful. My beauty however did not distract me long enough to not notice the blood red eyes in place of my once brown ones.
I looked at myself in shock for a moment before a stray gust of wind blew in my direction, rippling the water so I couldn't see myself so clearly. Once calm again, my reflection didn't display in the water. Instead, I could see Charlie and Sue Clearwater back at home. They were sitting on the couch and Sue had her hand on Charlie's shoulder in a comforting manner, odd considering I thought it would be the other way around. Another gust of wind passed and with it, a new image appeared in the water. It was the pack, all in their wolf forms standing protectively along an invisible borderline. I could recognize them all easily, but I noticed that one was missing. In the next second, another gust of wind went by and the water calmed to show yet another image. It was Jacob. Everything around him was pitch-black and he seemed to be emitting some kind of light, but that light was starting to fade way. It got darker and darker until nothing could be seen.
I gasped and suddenly came back to reality. I wasn't sure if it was a reflexive response or my body actually doing what my brain wanted it to, but I immediately unwrapped my arms from around Edward and pulled away as best I could in his grasp. Edward's eyes widened in surprise as I struggled furiously and finally he let me go. The moment he did, I fell back hard and hit my head in the dirt, probably crushing some of the flowers behind me. Leave it to me to lose my balance while sitting.
"Are you okay?" Edward asked in worry, reaching out to take my hand.
I flinched away from his hand in panic, my heart racing as I looked at him cautiously. I could see on his face that my response hurt him as he pulled his hand away slowly, which didn't make me feel any better. He didn't lose his focus though, keeping his eyes on me and watching my reactions carefully.
"Bella?" he said slowly.
I grimaced and finally spoke. "Y-yeah?"
"Are you okay?"
He slowly scooted a bit closer. "Where does it hurt? It looked like you hit your head pretty hard."
"No, not my head." Although my head did hurt a little, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling inside.
I didn't answer. I just held my hand over my chest as I tried to endure the throbbing that felt like it was getting faster. I was starting to sweat and my whole body was trembling. Looking at Edward and knowing how much I felt for him, it made me feel disgusted at myself. I was starting to feel dizzy, everything around me was blurring, including Edward's beautiful face.
"Bella! Bella, breath, calm down," he advised and grabbed my shoulder. Though I was breathing, it was far too rapid for my own good.
Either he was too late or his physical contact did the trick, but all too quickly, I let go as everything went black.
It was like that for a while, or at least it felt like that to me. I couldn't feel or see a thing. Everything was still black, there was no noise; it was almost like I was dead. Did I die? I thought with dark humor at the idea of Edward somehow giving me the Kiss of Death. That's when I realized I wasn't dead, I was thinking and my senses were coming back to me. The smell of the woods had gone away and the intense throbbing in my chest seemed to have relocated to my head. I groaned and held the right side of my head where it hurt the most. Still, I much preferred this over the pain I felt before, pain that I brought upon myself.
"Bella?" I heard Edward whisper, his tone filled with worry.
I slowly opened my eyes and saw that we were back in Edward's Volvo. He was driving much slower than he usually did and it didn't look like he drove too far away from where he had parked.
"Bella?" he whispered again.
"Yes?" I responded with a groan.
He sighed in relief. "How do you feel?"
"My head is killing me."
"I'm sorry about your head, but I am glad you're awake. I was afraid I'd have to explain to Charlie how you passed out."
"Oh…that's what happened."
"I think you had some sort of panic attack."
I nodded. "That sounds about right."
He frowned deeply, his face full of regret. "Maybe I should bring you to Carlisle so he can check if you're okay."
I shook my head. "No, just take me home, please."
"Are you sure?"
I cringed as I thought back on what happened and feared the throbbing in my chest might start again, especially if I stayed around Edward for too long, I didn't want to make things worse. It was clear to me now and I had to admit to myself that I loved Edward and always had, but that didn't change how much I loved Jacob, not in the slightest. That image of his disappearing in the dark, my sun burning out, me losing him, it was too much. Just thinking about it caused me so much pain that I'd take a killer headache over that any day. Edward was right, I feared choosing him over Jacob would cause Jacob pain, but I didn't think he knew how much agony that would cause me as well, maybe even more than Jacob's. I didn't fully understand what it was about Jacob that made losing him so unbearable. We always seemed to have connected emotions that I didn't even think I had with Edward. I felt like that connection had grown far too big at this point to abandon.
"Bella," Edward said, his tone regretful, "I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. I was so confident in myself that I didn't take your feelings into consideration. If I'd known you'd respond like that, I would never have done it."
"But, wasn't that the response you wanted?" I grimaced as I thought about it, "I mean, minus the passing out. And I think you nailed my feelings pretty well."
"I still could've approached it differently. For that, I'm sorry."
I sighed. "I forgive you."
It was silent for a while as Edward sped up a little, continuing on the route to Charlie's house. I stared out the window, trying to keep my panicked thoughts under control as I dealt with this stupid headache. I wasn't sure if it was caused by my stress, hitting my head too hard, or a possible side effect from my birth control shot. I just knew that it wasn't going away anytime soon.
"Bella, how come you reacted the way you did?" Edward asked, "You looked so…terrified."
I cringed and swallowed hard as he brought it back up.
"Surely you loving me couldn't have come as that much of a shock."
I shook my head. "No. It was kind of a 'duh' moment."
I hesitated to answer. "Edward…you know I love you."
He nodded. "Yes."
"I do, I really do. But…" I took a deep breath that came out shaking. "I don't think it really changes much."
He seemed to freeze for a split second. "Oh…"
I grimaced as I saw the disappointment in his eyes. His face squirmed a little, like he was trying to accept it but having trouble.
"Well then, I'm very sorry now," he said in a low voice.
"Why are you apologizing so much? I'm the monster here."
"Bella, how are you the monster? If anything, I am." He chuckled once darkly and shook his head. "I really am a monster too."
"No. I'm the monster who's hurting you, and I'm going to end up hurting Jacob too." I whimpered and felt some tears try to escape, but I kept them in place. "At least I get to share the pain, that makes it slightly fairer."
He took one hand off the wheel for a second, reaching out slightly to touch me, but stopped himself as he went back to driving with two hands. "If this has caused you pain in anyway, then I truly am the monster here, Bella."
I just shook my head in disagreement and held my other hand to my chest when I started to feel throbbing again, though not as violent as before. My hands shook just thinking about how badly this news would hurt Jacob. I contemplated not telling him, but how could I do that? I wouldn't be able to live with myself keeping this secret from him, if was too big to ignore.
"What will you do about Jacob?" Edward asked.
"I have to tell him the truth," I murmured.
"Are you sure that's a good idea? What about his temper? He could get mad and hurt you."
"He has every right to be mad at me." I sighed and looked to the floor. "And I've hurt him enough." I was pretty sure that Jacob wouldn't physically harm me, but if he did, I didn't feel like I had the right to complain.
Edward's grip on the steering wheel tightened and his teeth clenched, like he had heard my thoughts. "I would kill him."
"No!" I looked directly at him. "No, you won't!"
He glanced at me for a second and went back to looking at the road with a sigh. I was waiting for him to say "okay" or something, but he remained silent. We were already close to Charlie's house so it only took a few minutes until Edward pulled into the driveway, stopping behind Charlie's car.
I sluggishly got out of the car and steadied myself on my feet as Edward got my backpack from the backseat and put it over my shoulders. I also saw that the white box with Edward's chocolate cake inside sat at the opposite end of where my backpack was, which he grabbed and held out to me.
"You can keep this if you want," Edward offered.
I took it with one hand as the other was still positioned on my head. "Thanks."
He sighed. "Again, I'm really sorry."
"Edward, it's not your fault. I probably would've realized it eventually anyway. I'm the one screwed up, not you."
"You're not screwed up. Everyone loves in different ways, there's no rule to it."
"Even if there isn't, I must be doing something wrong."
His arms twitched for a second as he looked at me with longing in his eyes, like he desperately wanted something but was trying hard to hold himself back. "I should go."
I nodded slowly. "Alright."
He walked back around to the driver's side, but hesitated to get in. There must have been some kind of inner debate going on in his mind, but he ultimately got in and quickly started the car up. I stepped back as he backed out of the driveway. My eyes were locked on his face the whole time and it was clear that he was in pain. I hated this so much. No matter what I did, I was going to hurt someone. It would be so much easier if I could get over Edward like most people did when it came to their past relationships, but that seemed so impossible to me now. The best I could do was make sure it didn't get any worse and try staying away from him altogether, but that thought alone added to the throbbing pain in my chest.
I slowly walked to the front door and briefly tucked the box under my arm to open the door. I went inside and saw Charlie sitting on the couch watching ESPN. He turned toward me upon my arrival, but didn't smile in greeting once he examined my face.
"Honey, are you alright?" Charlie asked.
"I just have a headache," I answered, "I'm going to try and lie down for a bit."
"Alright. Do you need some Tylenol or anything?"
"I might take some if it gets any worse, I know where it is."
He nodded and his focus shifted to the box in my hand. "What's in the box?"
I went and put the box on the counter. "Chocolate cake. You can have some if you want."
"Cake, huh? What's the occasion?"
"For finishing my finals."
"Ah, yes. How'd you do?"
I shrugged. "I think I did fine."
"Good for you. I won't take too much then, it's your cake."
"Really, I don't mind. I probably won't be eating anymore tonight." I groaned as the throbbing in my head continued.
"Well, you just get some rest and try to feel better."
I nodded at him and made my way upstairs to my room. Setting my backpack beside the bed, I lied down and rested my head on the pillow. As much as my head was hurting, it was no distraction at all from the inner turmoil I was experiencing.
I loved Edward, but it was just too late to drop everything and go back to him. I loved Jacob, but it wasn't fair to him that I shared my love with someone else. Maybe they'd both be better off without me and find someone who could love them properly, though the thought of losing either one made me feel sick. Losing Edward would no doubt hurt me, but I felt like I could survive as long as Jacob was with me. He's helped me through it before after all, he's really good at that. However, losing Jacob would break me to a degree that I wasn't sure if I could recover from even if I had Edward.
I felt weary as I laid there completely motionless, but my mind was racing too fast for sleepiness to catch up. Even as I closed my eyes and tried my best to dispel all the thoughts that fueled my anxiety, one would just not go away. Tomorrow I would see Jacob. I knew that I needed to tell him the truth and I could only hope that he would be far more forgiving than I deserved.
Author's Note: I know, I know, you guys hate me right now...
omg this was such a good chapter, but she really needs to get back to Jacob... he always makes things better
I had to go back & catch up ... Two really great chapters! AND a very intense emotional roller coaster, too!!! OMG,! I have been in that situation [ kind of - no super-humans involved! ] and I feel her pain!!! SHE's the one who is the looser now, If she tells Jacob, that relationship is jeopardized if not over, and if she doesn't tell him, it's never going to be the same for her anyway. Poor girl!! She's in for a world of hurt either way!!!
I signed in just to comment on these latest chapters.
Despite me really rooting for Jacob to burn Edward for kissing Bella, its sooo good! Finally getting some Edward/Jacob drama! Too bad its a cliffhanger. Urgh, I so badly wanted to see how Jacob would react when Bella told him.>.< I can't wait for the next one. At all.
You're doing great!
i love this story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PK is having some site issues and not able to log in at the moment. He wanted everyone to know that this same story can be found on FanFiction dot net. If you would like to follow it there, it has the same name The Twilight Saga: Solar Flare.
The next chapter has been posted.
Thank you so very much JJ for informing!
23. Misery (Part 1 of 2)
Nothing. Nothing inside, nothing outside, and nothing around me. That's how I was feeling, if you could say I was even feeling anything since nothing was there. My whole room was dark and gloomy, the only source of light being the faint rays of sun as they struggled to shine through my curtains. There was no noise; I couldn't even hear birds chirping outside. I wondered, if I closed my eyes, would this be what it's like when I'm dead? Unable to see, hear, or feel? I still had my mind, I could still think, but was there even a point to that anymore? If that was taken away too, would it make much of a difference? A part of me wished my mind actually would disappear so I wouldn't have to think about him, but the other part refused to forget. I knew that losing Jacob would hurt, but I wasn't expecting to feel this empty. In a way, the ability for me to think about him, his memory, it was the only bit of life still in me.
This wasn't exactly like when Edward left. I didn't feel like I was constantly suffering, it wasn't so much like torture not being with Jacob, but I wondered to myself if this new feeling was worse or not. Instead of torture, it felt like one quick kill. The moment he said the words "get away from me", it was like a bullet to the heart. A quick instance of sheer pain and then nothing. I couldn't remember anything that happened after that. I couldn't remember getting myself home, even though I obviously did, considering where I was now. It was like my body was in auto-pilot because my mind was completely detached. Now all it wanted to do was rest in peace, but I wouldn't let my mind do the same. I couldn't. I refused to forget, even if forgetting was probably best for me.
I had no idea what time it was, but I really didn't care. I didn't get any sleep last night, my mind was working too hard to rest. But either way, I still felt empty, like nothing, so was there really much of a point to sleep? If my body felt dead, then wouldn't that be its eternal rest anyway?
Suddenly, I started hearing something. To my surprise, my ears were actually picking up noise. Whatever it was, it sounded high-pitched and melodic. Pleasant to listen to, but honestly, it wouldn't have made a difference if the sound I heard were nails on a chalkboard. What my ears heard didn't matter, my body was dead after all.
"Bella…" the high-pitched feminine voice sighed, sounding disappointed.
Of course, I didn't respond, I couldn't. I tried not to think about who it might be either, since it didn't matter.
"Bella!" the voice exclaimed much louder, obviously trying harder to get my attention, "I know you're awake."
I wondered to myself if I should put my body in auto-pilot again. I could just have it interact with this person just a little bit; I didn't want to be too rude by completely ignoring her.
I heard the person sigh deeply, and all in one second, the thick sheets covering me from shoulder to toe were pulled away as one rather cold hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me over. I was now facing in the direction of my door but more importantly right into the golden eyes of Alice. Her expression was serious as she examined my wrinkled clothes from yesterday and my face which I'm sure looked horrible.
"Bella, what's wrong?" she asked with a frown.
My body on auto-pilot just shook her head. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it, nor did I think I could.
"Don't you-" she shook her head in imitation, "-me, Bella. I know something's wrong, it's written all over your face."
"Don't worry about it," I mumbled, actually managing to speak which surprised me.
"That's easier said than done, Bella. Besides, Charlie called me over specifically to check on you."
"Charlie?" I still couldn't remember what happened when I came home. Was Charlie here when I did?
She nodded. "He told me you came home yesterday and went straight to your room without saying anything. He said he tried talking to you, but you wouldn't answer him at all."
"Really?" It was crazy how I couldn't remember any of that, but as I thought about last night a little harder, I did remember hearing a constant knock at my door and a rough voice calling my name. Was that him?
"Yeah. He was really worried about you. He thought if he couldn't talk to you then maybe I could." She paused for a moment. "Well, actually he said he tried calling Jacob first, but no one answered. I guess I'm your plan B."
My body winced and gripped my blankets at the mention of Jacob and I really wished it hadn't. Alice caught my reaction and looked at me a little surprised as I couldn't keep the grimace off my face.
"What was that?" she asked.
I shook my head. "N-nothing. Sorry."
She eyed me suspiciously for a moment, obviously not buying my lie. "Come on, Bella."
I kept silent and tried to avoid eye contact, but Alice wouldn't let up on her stare. However, it didn't take her long to put two and two together.
"Is this about Jacob?" she asked.
I winced once again and tried covering it up by pulling the blankets over my face, but I wasn't fooling Alice.
"That's it, isn't it?"
"I can't talk about it," I muttered, and it was the truth. Not only did I not want to talk about it, I also just didn't think I could.
"Talking will make you feel better."
I shook my head. "No…"
She sighed. "I'm just going to guess then. Did he hurt you?"
"No." On the contrary, I was the one that hurt him.
"Did he leave you?"
My heart jumped and I cringed underneath the blankets. My mind began replaying the event along with what caused it in my head. The images were blurry in my mind, but clear enough. My body started curling up in reaction to the faint pain it brought. I thought I was supposed to be dead. Why was there more pain?
"Oh, Bella…" Alice sighed and pulled me up so she could hug me.
A slight whimper escaped me as Alice's arms wrapped around my shoulders. Normally I would hug her back, welcoming her comfort, but I didn't deserve it.
"That stupid mutt. He's an idiot ," she growled, her arms tightening around me a bit.
I shook my head frantically. "Alice, please. No. I'm the one at fault." I didn't think I could talk about this in even the slightest, but my instinct to protect Jacob just came out.
"How?" She paused for a moment. "Is it about the kiss?"
I cringed. "You know…?"
"Edward told me. Well, I kind of had to force it out of him when he came home looking like he murdered someone. But yes, I know."
Right then, I felt like I had lost my voice again. I was hurting both of them. Jacob, because I couldn't stop loving someone else. Edward, because although I still loved him, my heart ached for another too much for me to go back to him so easily.
"Bella?" Alice sighed, trying to get a response from me.
I didn't respond, not with a voice or even movement. My body seemed to shut off auto-pilot as it felt dead once again. Alice was basically hugging a lifeless corpse.
It was quiet for a minute before Alice finally let go of me and stood up, letting my body lay limp on the bed. I was hoping that meant she'd given up and was about to leave. I was only half right.
"Come on and get up, Bella. We're going back to my house," she said.
And suddenly, my body was back on auto-pilot. "Huh?"
"Well, not 'my' house, but you know what I mean." She smiled. "Come on, get dressed."
I grimaced. "Why?"
"Why? Because everyone will be there. You can't let a break up eat you up like this. You'll feel a lot better being around people that care about you."
I shook my head slowly. "I can't…"
She raised an eyebrow at me. "How come?"
"I don't deserve it."
"You don't deserve what? To feel better? That's ridiculous."
Not only that, but I didn't want anyone to see me in such a sorry state. It was bad enough that Alice was here feeling sorry for me; I didn't want six other vampires pitying me too.
Alice sighed deeply. "Bella, please don't make me literally drag you out of bed."
I could see in her eyes that she would really do it. She looked down at me seriously, like a parent about to count to three and their child would be in big trouble if they didn't do as they're told before then. Alice didn't seem like the type to be intimidating as small as she was, but her parental stare seemed to work as I let out a sigh and my body began sluggishly sliding off the bed and got onto its feet.
Alice smiled triumphantly. "Good. Now go wash up, missy. I'll get your clothes ready."
I just sighed and nodded as I slowly made my way to the bathroom. I followed my usual routine, but I was in no hurry at all to leave. I moved with no energy as I washed my body in the shower and used little pressure when brushing my teeth, prolonging the process of getting clean. As much as I didn't want to go, I figured that if I deserved anything, it was to feel uncomfortable. This would be my punishment and it could be a lot worse. I wrapped a towel around me as I walked back into my room. Alice stood at the foot of my bed, her arms crossed and looking at me like I was really late for some kind of appointment.
"Does it usually take you that long to wash up?" she asked.
"Sorry," I mumbled, though I was pretty sure I'd be moving at this pace all day.
She sighed. "Well anyway, your clothes are all set." She grinned and gestured to the ensemble lying neatly on my bed. "Hurry and get dressed, you're going to look great."
I grimaced at the selection of clothing on my bed. There was a rich purple blouse with capped sleeves and small ruffles around the arms and neck. There was a small matching purple belt meant to be tied around the stomach lying vertically parallel to the blouse. Along with it was what I could only describe as khaki pants, but much shinier than the usual kind. Of course Alice would pick out the most fashionable clothes in my selection, ones that she bought for me herself. I didn't feel like objecting though, it didn't really matter.
I unwrapped my towel and let it drop to the floor as I started getting dressed, starting with socks and working my way up. But like in the bathroom, I moved with no energy. I wasn't keeping track of how long it was taking me to get each piece of clothing on, but judging from Alice's sighs, I was guessing a while. By the time I'd just gotten my bra on, Alice couldn't wait any longer. In a flash, the blouse and belt that I still needed to put on vanished from my bed and I felt something move my arms around faster than I thought my arms could handle. Just like that, I was fully dressed. I looked at Alice beside me, wondering if she did that, but her grin answered that question for me.
"Almost done," she said.
In a blur, she dashed into my bathroom and came back right where she was standing with a hairdryer and thin comb. She sat me down at the edge of the bed as she started combing and drying my hair out with her hands moving at the same blurring speed. I thought with her going so fast, my hair would feel like it was getting pulled out, but it surprisingly felt nice. Once she was done, she backed up to look at me and grinned.
"There, looking beautiful," she said cheerfully.
I definitely didn't feel beautiful, but I just nodded. Alice kept smiling as she took my hand and pulled me back onto my feet. I closed my door as she led me downstairs. Even though I was looking toward the ground as I walked, it was hard not to notice Charlie turn completely around on the couch as we came downstairs. He glanced at me and then looked at Alice with an anxious expression. They seemed to have a brief silent conversation as they exchanged nods and tilts of their heads toward me.
"Alright, you two have fun," Charlie said, almost sounding like a command.
Charlie's focus was mainly on me as he looked at me with worry clearly on his face. I tried my best to give him a reassuring smile, but his responding grimace told me I didn't do a great job.
Alice squeezed my hand and pulled me out the front door as Charlie waved at us 'goodbye'. She led me to her yellow Porsche and opened the passenger door for me as she got in the driver's side. Once I was sitting and buckled up, Alice wasted no time to pull out of the driveway and get onto the road. For the first half of the ride, Alice tried making conversation by telling me what she's been doing since I saw her last, which were mostly graduation party related. I still wasn't able to really talk, so I just nodded at the right times and gave quick, simple answers when she asked my opinion on what would make a good party. Eventually she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with me and gave up, being quiet for the rest of the ride. But it was only temporary; I knew she had other plans.
"Well, we're here," Alice announced cheerfully and quickly got out of the car.
I nodded and got out as sluggish as ever. Alice took my hand and pulled me toward the door as we both walked inside. It was surprisingly quiet with only the TV from the living room being heard. I thought that maybe everyone was out today, but I was quickly proven wrong. Once Alice led me to their large couch in the living room, I saw Esme standing at the doorway to the kitchen. She was holding what looked like soup in a bowl with two bread rolls one the plate underneath. She gave me a soft smile and came over to hand me the food.
"Here, honey. You should eat this," Esme said with a smile, although I could see the concern on her face.
The soup was smoked portabella mushroom with a heavy cream floating on top in an artistic swirl. It looked like the type of soup they'd served at the most expensive gourmet restaurant and it smelled delicious. My mind was telling me it was far too good for me to take, but I was really hungry and my body couldn't pass it up.
"Thank you," I said, setting the plate and bowl on my lap as I started eating.
Alice giggled. "Your stomach was growling the whole way here."
"We thought you might be hungry when you got here. How is it?" Esme asked.
"It's really good. Thanks," I said in the most sincere voice I could.
She smiled. "Don't thank me. Edward's the one who made it for you."
I froze and felt my heart beat faster at just the mention of him. A good mixture of fear and guilt washed over me as I thought about actually seeing him. How could I face him after what happened? The sadness of his that I only caught a glimpse of as he left my house two days ago, I didn't think I could handle seeing it in full force. Maybe I would get lucky and he'd just be angry and yell at me. I could handle that. I deserved it.
Alice frowned at my reaction and whispered something too quiet for me to make out. Esme nodded however and started rubbing my shoulder in comfort, looking at me sympathetically. I still wasn't ready to talk about anything so I used my food as a distraction, focusing on eating it slowly to pass as much time as I could.
"Hey, you brought her here," I heard Emmett's voice call out from a distance.
I looked up and he was standing right next to Esme with a grin. He obviously moved fast from wherever he was. I smiled at him weakly and he chuckled in return. Alice gave him an irritated look and Emmett's eyes widened like he just remembered something. His grin softened to a sympathetic smile as he focused on me.
"So, I heard you were feeling depressed," he said.
I grimaced. I wasn't sure if depressed was the word. Dead was still a much better way of describing how I felt. Even though I was moving and interacting, my body still felt more like a walking corpse. Still on auto-pilot while my mind watched from a distance.
Alice groaned. "Emmett…"
"What? It's true, right?" Emmett asked, looking back at me, "Wanna tell me what's bugging you?"
I shook my head and looked to the floor as I felt Esme rub my shoulder again. I still didn't think I could talk about it without completely breaking apart. I heard Alice whisper something else I couldn't make out and glanced up to see Emmett's eyes widen like he just figured something out.
"Oh, is that it?" Emmett chuckled, "Well then I can kick his ass for you if you want. That'll make you feel better."
"No!" I shouted, my instinct to protect Jacob coming out again.
"Emmett!" both Alice and Esme scolded.
"What?" Emmett asked with a grimace.
"You know that would violate the treaty anyway," a new voice suddenly came in.
I looked over to see it was Jasper, standing at the entryway between the living room and the area occupied by the front door and stairs. He looked at me and smiled, but I couldn't fake a smile in return this time. I let out a whimper as I tried to keep my mind from connecting with my body. I tried not to think too hard about him. I tried not to wonder what he was doing right now, wonder if he was still furious, or wonder if he'd ever want to see me.
"Well, I...I was joking. Jeez, come on guys," Emmett said with a smile, though he did look a little embarrassed, "Look, why don't we just have some fun? That'll help get your mind off things."
Alice smiled and nodded in agreement. "Does that sound good, Bella?"
I sighed and shrugged. To me it didn't really matter what we did. I would just go along with it, but nothing could make me feel less dead than I was.
"How about another chess tournament? And don't worry, I'll go easy on you, Bella," Emmett said and winked at me.
I tried again at giving him a smile, but judging from Emmett's chuckle, it didn't come out so well.
Esme went to get two chessboards with pieces for each and set them both up on opposite ends of the long two-foot tall table in front of the couch. I went up against Emmett while Alice and Jasper competed. Despite Esme cheering me on and Emmett claiming he'd go easy on me, I was destroyed nonetheless. Emmett wondered if I was even trying and I actually don't think I was, but it didn't really matter to me. Alice beat Jasper pretty easily thanks to her future sight and Emmett refused to face her next.
"Aw, come on," Alice said.
"No, you'll cheat like always," Emmett complained, "There's no point in playing you."
"Who knows, maybe something crazy will happen that I don't see."
"Jazz was brave enough to face me." She turned to smile at Jasper and he smiled in return.
"Yeah, I don't know why he wasted his time."
"Whatever," she sighed and turned to smile at me, "What do you want to do now, Bella?"
I just shrugged; I really didn't care. The game of chess didn't cheer me up like they hoped and I didn't think anything else they had in mind would either.
Alice frowned. "Oh, there's got to be something you want to do."
"Not really," I muttered.
"Are you sure, hon-" Esme began to say, but suddenly stopped, "Oh…"
I turned to look at her. "Huh?"
"He's back," Alice said.
"Who?" I looked at Alice confused. If a 'he' was returning, it could either be Carlisle or…
"So, you did bring her over," a familiar velvety smooth voice rang across the room.
I gasped and looked up to see him standing at the entryway like Jasper was. His eyes were on me, his face full of concern. I felt my heart racing and my breathing became heavy as I looked at him, but I couldn't keep my eyes away.
Alice smiled. "I wouldn't just leave her at home the way she is."
"How are you feeling?" he asked, still looking at me.
My voice was lost, I couldn't speak. I was trying desperately to keep the memories from filling my mind, but I couldn't fight them back. The time we spent in our meadow, the tree climbing, the kiss, seeing our possible future, admitting that I still loved him; it was all replaying in my mind in perfect detail. I begged for the memories to stop there, but next came the drive over to Jacob's, our motorcycle ride, him saving me from the crash, me telling him the truth, and him telling me to…
"Jeez, she looks like she's about to faint," Emmett commented, "Way to go, Edward."
Edward's face scrunched up in what seemed like guilt; one thing I didn't want to see him feeling.
"Bella?" Alice whispered, rubbing my shoulder.
I still couldn't speak. My mind was so dangerously close to connecting with my body. I knew what would happen if it did and I could not let it happen in front of everyone.
Edward came closer, taking Esme's spot beside me, but not touching me like she was. "Emmett, could you go get Bella some water."
"Oh. Sure, sure," Emmett said with a nod.
It was funny how something so simple could be the breaking point. One phrase that reminded me of "him" would push me over. Sure, sure. In that moment, my mind came back home. I crumpled to the floor, curling into myself as the sorrow overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop it now. The memories I shared with Jacob were rapidly playing in my mind and fading away just as fast. I couldn't hear anything through my hysterical sobbing and my vision was blurred by the tears so I couldn't see what was going on either. I wondered if they were just watching my breakdown. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen, but it was too late now. I was alive again, but I wish I were still dead. I felt someone lift me off the floor as I continued to cry, followed by a cold embrace. I was curious to know who it was, though I already had an idea, but I wasn't anywhere near finished. I wasn't sure how much time passed before I finally started to calm down for the time being.
23. Misery (Part 2 of 2)
It was quiet. Not I, the person holding me, or the people in the room made a sound. I slowly wiped the tears from my eyes before opening them to see that the room was empty. I was surprised at how much effort it took for me to open my eyes as they felt very heavy. I didn't think letting it all out like that would tire me out so much, but I was feeling exhausted. I assumed my body wanted to make up for the lack of sleep I got last night.
I turned my head to look up at the person holding me. I must have looked like a mess based on his responsive grimace.
"Bella?" Edward whispered.
"I'm sorry," I murmured, my voice broken.
"Don't apologize. None of this is your fault."
I shook my head. "That's a lie."
I frowned and looked him in the eye. "How much do you know?"
"Well…" He paused for a moment. "I know that something happened yesterday to make you so upset. I knew that the moment Charlie called."
I nodded slowly, keeping my eyes on his.
"I also have a strong feeling that Jacob is the cause of it." He looked at my face to check my response.
I immediately cringed and felt more tears try to break free. Edward's arms tightened around me as he rubbed my shoulders. Unlike before, I welcomed his comfort. Even though I still felt like I didn't deserve it, I couldn't help myself around him.
"Please, tell me what happened," he whispered.
I was surprised at just how much Edward could change things for me. The whole day, I felt like it was physically impossible for me to talk about the "incident", but now, more than ever, I felt like letting it out. I already cried a river, what more was there to lose?
"Yesterday…" I took a deep breath, "I told Jacob what happened with us."
"You mean, about the kiss?"
I grimaced and nodded slowly. "Yes."
"I'm guessing he didn't take it so well."
"He thought I still loved you." I sighed. "Which is true."
"What did he do? Did he lose his temper? Did he hurt you at all?"
"No!" I grimaced. "I mean, he didn't turn into a wolf and maul me, if that's what you were thinking."
His face scrunched up in guilt; that probably was what he was thinking. "Then what did he do?"
I whimpered as I remembered it. "He did get angry. He told me to go away and he ran off. I haven't heard from him since then. Charlie tried calling, but no one answered, which is unlike him."
"Well it has only been a day. You should give him more time."
"But not a single day has passed without me hearing from him at least once. He always answers a call from my house phone unless he's on patrol, but today is one of his free days."
"So, do you think you two…" He hesitated to say the next part, cautious of my response. "Broke up?"
I felt my stomach twist and before I knew it, the tears were flowing down my face again. Edward rubbed my shoulder and pulled me closer to him where my head could rest on his chest. I looked up at him to see a mixture of emotions on his face. Guilt, sadness, frustration.
"This is all my fault," he said, "If I didn't make you kiss me…"
I shook my head. "No, Edward, I don't blame you. I was in love with you the whole time, I just didn't want to face the truth. I'm the one who can't love just one person. This is my fault." I took a shaky breath. "And it's not Jacob's fault either. He deserves someone who can love him and only him. I know that if the situation was revered, if Jacob was in love with another girl, it would drive me crazy too."
"Do you think you'll be okay without him?"
I felt my stomach twist again and I cringed as a pain I wasn't familiar with ravaged me on the inside. Edward frowned at my reaction and wrapped both his arms tightly around me. I wondered if that feeling of being dead was my body preventing me from feeling this pain. As Edward held me, I felt the intensity of it cool down a little, but I could still feel it. It wouldn't go away completely, unless I "died" again.
In a weak voice, I finally answered his question. "No."
He grimaced. "I'm really surprised you could feel this strongly for someone so quickly." He sighed deeply. "You know you have me, right? Is there anything I can do to make you happy again?"
"I don't know," I said in a whisper, answering honestly.
It was silent for a full minute, so much so that I thought I could hear my own heart racing. I feared that I hurt him again. There used to be a time when Edward could make anything better for me. I could only imagine how much it hurt for him knowing that, although I still loved him, that wasn't the case anymore.
"Well then, you two need to make up," he finally said.
I looked at him with wide eyes. "What?"
"If he's the one thing that will make you happy, then yes."
I grimaced. "I don't think it's that simple."
"Bella, try putting yourself in Jacob's position. You said that if Jacob loved someone else it would drive you crazy, but would you break up with him because of it?"
I cringed and felt the pain hit me at the thought. "I guess if I was a normal person, yes. But I'm not. I love him too much to let him go. I would at least try and understand what it meant for us."
"And you don't think Jacob would do the same?"
"Maybe? Bella, you of all people should know. If he loves you as much as you love him, would he really just get rid of you like that?"
I thought about it for a moment and that's when it hit me. "No. No, he wouldn't."
Edward smiled and nodded. "Exactly. Bella, Jacob is a werewolf. Of course he'd lose his temper after hearing something like that. But I doubt he wouldn't want anything to do with you anymore because of it. On the occasions when I was able to read into his mind, I could tell just how much he loved you. Letting you go was the furthest thing from his mind."
"Edward's right," Alice's voice suddenly came in.
I looked over to see her already sitting down on the other side of the couch. Edward looked at her in slight annoyance before his face lit up for a split second, like he just had an 'a-ha' moment.
"Alice," I greeted, "Where did you go before?"
"Edward told everyone he wanted to talk to you alone when you started crying," she said.
"And I still sort of do," Edward muttered.
"But I've got something to say."
He sighed. "Go ahead."
Alice smiled and turned her attention at me. "I tried looking into your future, Bella, but I couldn't see anything. Everything was pitch-black, just like usual."
I gasped and my mouth hung open for a moment. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Positive."
I was silent. As my mind processed this information, I could feel something warm begin to blossom within me. Hope. It felt so foreign as my body was nothing but gloom prior to this moment. I wasn't sure what to do with it; embrace it or let it go in fear that it may end up false. I knew what my future being unreadable to her meant. Alice couldn't see the future of werewolves, and since my future revolved around them, she couldn't see mine either. If she still couldn't see my future, even now, then could my life with Jacob still be happening? It was either that or I was going to be with another werewolf, which I doubted.
Edward let his arms unwrap from around me and shifted me over so that I sat next to him rather than in his lap. He looked me in the eye and gave me a cheerful smile, beautiful and sincere.
"See, Bella. If you love him this much, you can't just let it end so easily. You need to do a little fighting yourself," he said.
"So, you don't think it's over? We still have a chance…" I grimaced and looked at Edward, "Even though I also love someone else?"
He frowned for a moment, knowing who that someone else was, but his frown dissolved into a soft smile surprisingly quickly. "Bella, you may not be able to love just one person, but you can make a choice. And it looks like your choice is obvious."
He was right, definitely right. The more I thought about it, the more ashamed of myself I felt. This time, not ashamed because I upset Jacob, but ashamed because of how much doubt I had. Why was I asking Edward these questions? Why did he need to tell me this anyway? I should've known myself. I knew Jacob more than anyone, but I was too busy being miserable to think clearly. I bet if Jacob saw me earlier today, he'd be pissed; pissed that I was acting like such a drama queen and pissed that I would dismiss our relationship before even talking. And even if Jacob really didn't want to be with me anymore, I still couldn't give up on us so easily. That was one thing Jacob taught me himself through the time we'd been together. Persistence.
I got up from the couch, but my legs felt weak and unsteady. Although I was still feeling tired, I wasn't going to let that stop me. I looked out the window to see that the sun had just set. Today wasn't one of Jacob's patrol days, so there was a chance he was still at home.
"Is it okay if I used your phone?" I asked, looking at both Edward and Alice.
"Of course," Edward said and nodded at Alice.
In a blur, Alice raced to the phone and brought the wireless receiver to me. I quickly dialed Jacob's phone number and waited anxiously for someone to answer, but there was no response. I called six more times, but still no one answered the phone. Admittedly, I was really worried about his refusal to answer. Maybe he really was trying to avoid me. But even so, I still wasn't ready to give up.
"I need to see him," I said and looked at both of them, "Can one of you take me home? I know you can't cross the reservation line, so I'll drive there myself."
"Sure, I'll do it. No problem," Edward said, quickly getting up.
Alice giggled. "You're really eager, Edward."
Edward rolled his eyes and focused back on me, smiling as he took my hand. I smiled back as best I could as I followed him out to the car. I looked back at the house to see not just Alice, but Esme, Emmett, and Jasper standing at the door and waving goodbye at us. I wondered if they'd been listening to Edward and I talk the whole time.
Edward opened the passenger door of his Volvo for me to get in and quickly went over to his side. As quickly as we left the house, he started up the engine and rocketed down the road at his usual dangerous speed. Usually I'd be very alert when moving this fast, but I was still feeling very exhausted, my eyelids as heavy as dumbbells.
"By the way, you look very beautiful today," Edward said with a wide smile, looking at my hair and clothes.
I sighed. "Yeah, that's Alice's fault."
"So then I guess it's your fault for looking beautiful every other day?"
I rolled my eyes. "If you say so. Oh yeah, that soup was delicious." I gave him a soft smile. "Thank you."
He smiled back, turning to look at the road. "You're very welcome. I had a feeling Alice would bring you over, because I think she wanted us to talk. When Charlie called and told us he had tried Jacob first, we were both almost certain of what happened."
I nodded slowly. "Alice knew about…" I grimaced. "You know?"
"I told her, reluctantly of course." He sighed. "I told her about the kiss, about how you felt, and about you worrying how Jacob would react." A smile that almost looked like a grimace formed across his face. "She called me an idiot, and I couldn't agree more."
"Edward, you're not an idiot."
He shook his head, not seeming to agree as his smile disappeared and he turned to look at me. "Bella, I'm sorry. I didn't understand how or why you could love someone like him so strongly and easily, so I thought you weren't being sincere with yourself. But now I know I was wrong. I won't lie and say I understand your love for him, because I still don't, but I do know that you do and that's what's important."
I sighed. "Edward, it's okay. I forgive you, honestly I do." I placed my hand over his that was resting next to the gear shift. "Besides, you were right about one thing. I do love you."
He nodded slowly. "But not enough to come back."
I winced softly as I couldn't bring myself to say either 'yes' or 'no'. "If only polygamy wasn't so looked down upon, then our problems would be solved." I figured a joke would be easier, hoping it would make him smile as well.
"I hope that was a joke," he said, looking at me seriously and not smiling at all.
My face turned red as I looked away awkwardly. "I-it was."
We sat there in silence for a minute as we got closer to home. I was starting to recognize houses and batches of trees that we always passed when we were only a few minutes away.
"Bella," Edward said, breaking the silence, "There is one thing I do worry about with you and him though."
I sighed. "I know, you think he'll lose his temper and hurt me. Edward, I know he'd never do that just like I know you'd never bite me."
"It's not that."
"Oh, it isn't? Then what?"
"Imprinting." He said the word clearly, his expression very serious.
I gasped and looked at him shocked, the very word causing me to gulp deeply. "You know about that?"
"It was on Jacob's mind a lot when I was around him. He seems to worry about it, and for good reason."
I was surprised that Jacob would still be thinking about imprinting. "He shouldn't have anything to worry about."
He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "Why's that? You know what it'll mean if he imprints, right?"
"Yes, but he isn't going to imprint," I said confidently.
"How do you know that?"
"Alice. Remember her saying my future was un-seeable to her? It's because my future revolves around Jacob, and Alice can't see me if it is. She said that if there was a chance that Jake and I might not stay together, she'd at least be able to see that if not my whole future. But she can't see a thing, which could only mean we will stay together."
I expected Edward's face to light up in the same way it did when Alice came in with her good news, but he just looked at me with apology on his face. I felt my heart start beating faster. Why wasn't he looking happy or understanding?
"Bella, I don't think Alice's visions work that way," he explained, "It's true that certain futures are more set in stone than others. It's because of the person's strong desire to want it and Alice can see how everything will fall into place. However, she can't see anything sudden or unexpected. If you were to suddenly change your mind about being with Jacob, Alice wouldn't be able to predict that until after you make the decision. When I left you-" he grimaced as he thought about it, "-It was a sudden decision on my part, one that Alice didn't expect. But when I came back and wanted you again, Alice didn't see our future fall back into place because you were with Jacob."
I nodded slowly and I could feel sweat forming around my forehead, my heart racing even faster as he explained.
He sighed. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm pretty sure imprinting would fall under the category of 'sudden and unexpected'. Alice wouldn't be able to see it coming."
I froze. My heart wouldn't let up its speed run, causing my breathing to become deep and heavy. I could feel that familiar fear building up in me again. I couldn't believe this. All this time, Jake and I had been living under false security that he'd never imprint and we'd always be together. I wanted to believe that Edward was lying for whatever reason, but I had to admit what he said made sense and Alice never was told what imprinting was. So if I did go back to Jacob, would we just be living with that fear once again? I wondered, should I really be fighting to win Jacob back if I might end up losing him anyway? But I realized, that was the keyword. Might.
Edward put his free hand around me and rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sorry."
I looked at him and shook my head. "No, it's okay. I don't care about imprinting."
His eyes widened. "You don't?"
"Well, I won't say it doesn't scare me, but I'm not going to let it control me. Jacob is just too important. I won't let something that may or may not happen scare me away from him." I paused for a moment as I remembered the night at the bonfire. "In fact, the very first werewolf lived three lifetimes without imprinting. There's no guarantee."
Edward looked back onto the road as he began pulling into my driveway, but he looked like he was thinking about what I said. He parked the car and sat there in silence for a moment before giving me that crooked smile of his.
I smiled back widely. "Alice is already blind to my future. Why would I mess that up?"
He chuckled. "I'll let Alice know you feel that way."
"Tell her I'm sorry."
"Will do." He unlocked the doors. I expected him to rush out and open my door for me before I got the chance, but he just sat there. His smile gradually got smaller until it looked like something was upsetting him.
"What's wrong?" I asked concerned.
"I just wanted to let you know, no matter what future you'll have, I'll always be here for you whenever you need me," he said, looking straight ahead instead of at me.
He didn't need to tell me that, I already knew. I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over to kiss him softly on the side of his lips.
"Thank you," I whispered.
He smiled again and suddenly disappeared. I flinched back in shock before I heard my door open up and turned to see Edward there, reaching out to me. I took his hand and got out pretty sluggishly, stumbling as I did. Edward held me steady on my feet and looked at me concerned.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded slowly. "Yeah, just tired I guess."
"Are you sure you should be driving if you're this tired?"
"Don't worry, I'll be fine," I said with a yawn, cursing under my breath that that had to slip out.
He sighed and kept me held up as he led me to the front door. He made sure I could stand on my own before giving me a hug.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said.
"Tomorrow?" I asked a little confused.
I gasped. "Oh, that's right."
He chuckled and shook his head at me for being so forgetful. "Alice will probably be over in the morning to help you get ready."
He laughed and gave me one more squeeze before pulling away to walk back to his car. We both waved goodbye and I kept my eyes on him as he pull out onto the road and went on his way. Unlike last time, he didn't look like he was in pain, thankfully.
I went inside and saw Charlie in the same spot he was when Alice and I had left earlier, only this time he had pizza in front of him. His head snapped in my direction as I walked in, still feeling exhausted. I was trying for my room, but ended up dropping onto the couch next to Charlie, needing to rest for a moment.
"You're home," Charlie stated.
I yawned and nodded slowly. "Yep."
"And you're talking to me."
I grimaced, feeling guilty. "Yeah, sorry. I'm feeling better now. I promise."
"Do I want to know what was wrong?"
"Just know that I'm going to make it better."
"Well, alright." He took a bite out of his pizza. "By the way, Jacob called today."
I gasped and turned to look directly at him. "What?"
"Um, yeah…" He seemed surprised at my reaction. "It was a few hours ago. He asked for you of course, but I told him you were with the Cullens. He didn't say anything after that, just sort of hung up. Kind of weird."
I cringed as I imagined what Jacob might think of that. "I need to see him."
I nodded. "Yes, right now." I started to get up, but didn't get very far as I dropped back onto the couch and my eyes went along with me.
"Honey, you don't look like you're ready to go anywhere."
"No. I am ready," I said with a yawn, trying to keep my eyes open.
"Ready for bed, maybe," he mumbled with his mouth full after taking another bite of his pizza.
He sighed. "How about I drive you there in about fifteen minutes, after this is over?" He was watching some comedic news show that just came back from a commercial break.
I yawned and nodded in agreement. Admittedly, I wasn't in any condition to drive myself. I'd never fallen asleep at the wheel before, but there was a good chance tonight may have been the first time if I went by myself.
I fought to keep my eyes open as I waited on Charlie and his show to be over. I was really anxious to see Jacob and tell him how important he was, how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him, and how much I was willing to fight. The first thing I needed to fight though was my exhaustion. Luckily, those fifteen minutes seemed to go by pretty quickly, in fact, everything did. Before I knew it, I was already in Charlie's car on our way over to Jacob's house. With newly found energy, I ran over to his door and knocked frantically. The door opened and there he was, his beautiful black eyes looking at me in surprise, his hair hanging loosely just past his chin, and his russet skin that gleamed faintly from the lamp light inside the house. I told him everything and watched his face gradually light up until he smiled my favorite smile of his. I was then being spun around in his tight embrace, both of us laughing until we were silenced with a kiss. However, that was about the moment I realized it was a dream.
Author's Note: Okay, I seriously need to apologize for the HUGE 2 month delay. First of all, this chapter was kind of a pain to write because of how overly depressed Bella was being and that's hard for me to write. Second, I was dealing with finals for my last semester at college. April was pretty much preparing for finals and May was settling back at home and finishing this thing. But the good news is, I'm back home for the summer and I'll have a lot more time to write. :D So expect a new chapter around the beginning of June and another before the month ends.
ASDFGHJKL; that was really good! Can't wait for the next chapter! Let's just hope the delay won't be 2 months. Again.
omg! im so glad ur back! i cant wait for the next chapter... that last paragraph KILLED ME: "i realized it was a dream" omg! she has to get back together with jacob!!!!
Wow. I love your story! I can't believe that you've been writing this for more or less two years now! That is so amazing! How many chapters are there by the way? I hope you can update very soon. You are talented. xoxo