Remember the part in Eclipse where Charlie Swan was trying to caution his full grown little girl Isabella about practicing safe sex with her boyfriend? At the time I reached that part in the book, I laughed out loud at the uneasy embarrassing awkwardness between the father and daughter who were neither good at people skills and had spent so little time together. However, I, as a mother of a fourteen-year-old, am now at the crossroad. My girl is beginning to notice the particular ways her male classmates are ogling her. She and I are very close. But sex is still something that a mother in my culture has trouble speaking about freely with her child. I am wondering if it is easier for mothers in other cultural and social settings? When did you get your first sex talk? How did it go? When did/will you talk about the "birds and the bees" with your eldest child?
Hello PEI, for me it was not any easier, it is hard to talk about something like that to your child. I have a 16 yr. old boy I have already talked to him about it, actually it was a couple of years ago when I did that. I also have a 9 year old daughter and she now knows about it, The reason she knows about this already is because she came home one day from school, she heard some stuff from her classmates and I had to straighten her out on it, plus I did not want her to know about it from the them it is my responsibility to tell her, so I figured that was the time to tell her.
By the way, very good discussion PEI.
Thank you, Penny, for both the input and your support. And you are right about it being our responsibility to straighten it out with our children on the subject, not them getting all the wrong ideas from friends at school or some videos or films they saw somewhere behind my back.
I didn't get any sex talk from either of my parents and I had to figure lots of things out on my own. In a weird way, being emotionally isolated and a loner during high school and college days enabled me to observe sexual relationships going on around me without being caught up and tossed about or getting hurt.But it didn't really prepare me for an easy talk with my girl... :(
well my dad yelled at me to not come home pregnant, though at the time i did not know what that meant or how to get that way. that was the sex talk i got.
no kids here so sorry, won't be able to offer my experience though i'm sure others will.
good luck. :)
That kind of reminds me of the treatment gotten by a friend of mine. Her single-parent father muttered something like that in one breath to her. And she gave him a "sure, sure."
Thanks, Pat. ^^
I was raised by a single parent. When she was pregnant with me she was still in 17 or 18. She denied she was pregnant until she could not hide me any longer...they ( my grandmother and step grandfather )made her feel like she was trash. When I was born everyone including my grandparents worshiped me but they would still feel shame toward my mom. My grandparents were very religious so I think that was why my mom married my dad to tried to make things right. Of course she got pregnant again with my brother soon later my parents separated...
I don't ever remember getting the sex talk. I think my mom did not want to put fear in me. she never wanted to raise us the way she was raised. Even then in the 80's when I was coming of age sex was everywhere...movies, tv, music so I got the gist of it. I mean Adam and Eve figured it out all by themselves it is a pretty natural thing. A friend who was a boy told me My mom had a talk with him about us. I never asked what she said till this day. He was not really a boyfriend we just made out on occasion.
I had a few people like that. I was never good at picking the right guy. I have never been married . Never had a child. But if I did I would sit them down heck at 10 years of age and tell them about sex. We now live in the information age. and SEX is saturated in our society. I would not want my child to feel unsecure the way I was. I did not have sex until I was 27. I was afraid pretty much of everything including sex. I did not want to get physically or emotional hurt...the older I get the I understand that is a part of living..the good stuff and the bad stuff is part of the human experience. I saw without conscious know how the women in our family chose men. My Mom , Grandmother, and Two Aunts all chose the wrong guys to have children with all remarried expect my mom. Some of the second guys were nothing to speak of either. the only difference with me is I did not have any children but I was good at picking the wrong guys
I think kids pick up on the actions of grown ups. I think most people have a good relationship when they witness a good relationship. I think it is important to have The Talk but maybe more important for the child live in a family where an example of what a good relationship is being practiced on a daily basis. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.
Hello Pei! First of all let me commend you on your first conversation being such an eye catcher! Good work Pei!
My experience is much like Pat's. I didn't have a "talk" with my parents. It wasn't talked about in school when I was growing up and I pretty much only knew that there were good girls and bad girls. I knew that I didn't want to be known as a bad girl. I was so in the dark that the first time I kissed a boy I wasn't entirely certain if that would label me as a bad girl. To make matters worse my first kiss gave me mononucleosis. I felt so miserable that I was sure I was going to "hell" and probably pregnant to boot! In retrospect it cracks me up!
My chidren went to Catholic School. In 5th grade they started teaching a sex education course called Bessingers or something like that. I was livid because I thought that it was too young,10 years old. It was pretty explicit. I stormed the school and raged on about the age of the children, etc. I was told that my children could be removed from the classroom during that class and returned afterwards. Now clearly that wasn't an answer because all the other kids would be learning about "sex" and my kids would end up being a laughing stock by being removed each day during that course. So at the tender age of 10 my children learned more than I ever expected them to know at that age. So maybe I lucked out by avoiding the talk. I was there for my children if they needed to discuss anything that they were learning in the classroom. Ultimately I realized that they were learning everything that they needed to know in a setting with other children to lessen the embarrassment that they might have otherwise experienced. It all worked out well and my children have high morals and at least weren't in the position like their mother of thinking that you could become pregnant from a kiss!
By the way Pei - I agree with you that it is our responsibility as a parent to have these conversations. The school systems and curriculum have changed so much in recent years that it is becoming far more common place for it simply to fall under the heading of another subject taught in school. My kids were very blase about it. They had a workbook and everything!
"They had a workbook and everything!" I actually slapped my forehead when I reached this line. Now I remember! You are right, Caramella. The school systems and curriculum here have changed so much that it has fallen under the heading of a mere subject taught in school. And many parents do tend to avoid the responsibility and rely on the teachers to talk about sex in class. But the textbook says nothing about the human feelings involved. And that is up to us parents.
Thank you, Caramella, for both the input and the opening remark. ^^
My mom 1st talked to me about sex when I was 8 years old after I wrote some nasty swear words on some flash cards at school. I was mad at my teacher, because she was making fun of me and a couple of other kids, for not getting the correct answers. The class laughed at us and made us feel stupid. So we embarked on a sabotage mission and defaced the cards. As a result, my mom tried to explain what the words meant, and to not do that again because it was considered a vulgar representation of the act. I was a bit confused by it all until grade 5, when they gave us the "talk" in school. Then I got what my mom was trying to explain on how "things" worked, etc.
I talked to my daughter in the simplest biological terms at the age of 7, because one of her friends came to play with Barbies and put the dolls in compromising positions, then left them there in the tent. I found them. Hence the "talk". I just told her it's what grown up married people do when they love each other and want to have babies and I gave a basic biologically technical description of how it's done and that kids don't do it because they aren't grown up enough to handle it, because it's a huge responsibility and you can get called nasty names and get a bad reputation if people found out you did it. I was trying to not make it a big deal, yet let her know that it wasn't ok for kids to do.
She is 13 now and still asks me questions about female stuff and sex talk stuff. I explain as best as possible without trying to make her embarassed about it. I think the worst thing is when she wants certain songs the have expicite lyrics to them downloaded on to her iPod and she doesn't really know what it means and I have to explain it. She gets embarrassed by that. ha ha ha
hope that helps
I have been thinking about this talk with my fourteen-year-old girl and my eight-year-old for quite a while. I want the elder one to be able to protect herself for the ogling boys. All the input from you wonderful ladies will act as a sturdy wall behind my back as I broach the subject with the two. Especially with the little one. She can be a big handful. :(
It helps a lot, Leanne. Thanks a million! ^^
I'm glad it helps because my daughter just told me, after she saw me write this, that one of her former classmates has gotten pregnant! She's only in grade 8 and 13!! A 15 year old boy in grade 10 is the father!!! This girl moved to another school district last year, but stayed in contact with her old school friends. Word spread like wildfire thru texting, facebook, and word of mouth. By lunchtime, everybody at my daughters school knew, and all the nasty names you could think of were thrown in this girls direction. Nothing was said about the older boy who obviously took advantage of the girls lovestruck eyes, and smooth-talked her into this situation.
She'll never live it down, and will always be remembered as the first girl they knew that got pregnant. It's so sad, because they have been told about using protection against diseases and pregnancy. Not only did she get pregnant, but she was also exposed to whatever diseases this boy may have been carrying....especially Human Pappiloma Virus (HPV) which has known links to several types of Cervical Cancer.
Protection is the huge key that should help you decide how to approach the discussion Pei, if nothing else. She needs to know the dangers of all the diseases that are out there that can scar her for life, (literally and figuratively) or end up killiing her like: Clymidia, Herpes, Hep B,C,D..., Gonoreah, Syphillis, HIV/AIDS, HPV, just to mention a few.
If she did get pregnant, her rep would be ruined, and life changed forever, if she survived the pregnancy and childbirth at such a young age.
talk to her sooner, rather than later Pei!! She probably knows stuff already, but it would be good for you to know what she knows, so you can fill in any gaps and have peace of mind.
yes i know Leanne..never ever the boy is blamed..he is equally responsible for this...
but yeah everyone is looking for Girls' throat...idk why
whenever someone says a bad stuff for a girl i always oppose it no matter what..
and atleast in front of me nobody gives bad names to girl..i really cant help with the backbiting stuff
the person is already in very much trouble..If we cant support or sympathize we have no right to make things worse for anyone..
Sorry for going so off topic