The Twilight Saga

Hi guys!

So basically critic's corner is where I gather 7 critics, plus me, and we choose 4 stories to review. Each critic reviews a story, then adds his/her opinions about it here.
(Critics already chosen, we'll take no more please! Maybe if someone can't do it anymore we will let others have a chance!)

Note: We are currently accepting 1 more critic! The first person will be chosen!

Before you give out criticism, constructive or not, you must ask permission of the author first.

No mean criticism! Even if you have permission! None at all! Constructive is okay, but nothing like 'This story is the worst ever! Don't read it'. I don't want anyone of my critics to say it. If they do, the job is open to someone else.

Have fun reading critic's corner every week!


Team Jacober
Laraaahh Cullen
Gothic Sunshine

Stories that will be critiqued for the time of August 9th-22nd.

Laraaahh Cullen: A shot at the dark by Scipio.
Heather: Different times, different life by Kara Lynn Cullen, The Chinese coven by Amanda, Once in a lifetime by Amanda Hale, The prophecy by Deanna Marie.
Team Jacober: Far from heaven by the werewolf girl, and Blood Drops by Laraaahh Cullen.
Amanda: Elementals by Kaze, A change of fate by Constant daydreamer, Unexpected by Amanda Hale, Fallen Angel by Fallen Angel, The long road home by Jessica Brown.
sweettwilightfan-4ever1014: Fear the truth by Gothic Sunshine.
Gothic Sunshine: 10 reasons to live by Rhia
Amanda Hale: A change of fate by Constant daydreamer., Hybrid love by Renesmee Carlie Cullen.(not yet done), Indestructible by Amanda Lee.(not yet done)

Different times, Different life by Kara Lynn Cullen.

Review by Broken hearts!

Ok, I've read Different Times, Different Life. It's a well written story and very good but I have one problem with it. In my opinion when you write a story you need to word things your way not the way someone else has. For example when SM wrote the Twilight series every word came from her but in this story some of the things Isabella and Edward say are exactly the same as SM wrote in her book. The author of this story needs to write her own words. They can be similar but not the exact words. That's the only problem I see.

*********Side note: Recent discovery shows that what Kara Lynn wrote was not the same, but similar. Please note this mistake! :)************

Review on Far from heaven by The werewolf girl:

Review by Team Jacober!

My review on Far From Heaven

Reading Far From Heaven I was a little confused. I couldn't understand exactly where Drew came from. From what I did understand he's a werewolf. The other confusing part for me was who's who. I had a hard time understanding who was a vampire and who was a werewolf, but those things were cleared up as I continued the story.

The plot was well played out and it was very exciting. I thought that the characters Lauren and Emma were described very well. They seemed very life-like throughout the story. The descriptions were also very life-like. And at some points you could really feel and see what was happening. Besides the tiny bit of confusion Far From Heaven was a very good story.

Review on Elementals by Kaze!
Review by Amanda

All I can really say is, wow! Kaze has done a terrific job on it! I really like it!

The only downside on it is that it was in play form, but I still enjoyed it!

Kaze, I think that once you finish it, you should write it it book form!

The plot was really cool, I liked it. My favorite part was the battle's with the padons! :)

This is a well thought out story and I think that it has the right stuff to be published!

Keep writing it! It is really cool!

Review on A shot at the dark by Scipio!
Review by Laraaahh Cullen!

The use of vocabulary is great, it's straight to the point using short sentances to add effect and adding the sense on loneliness at the same time.
Although it's vague, I think it does the job of capturing the readers attention and making them wanting to read more, which I know I want to do. =D

Overall, it is very well written. Good sentence structure, good use of punctuation, good use of vocabulary and I feel it's written in your own style. If you write the rest of the story as well as this then I think the outcome will be brilliant. Well done and keep going at it. =]

Review on Blood drops by Laraaahh Cullen:

Review by Team Jacober!
Blood Drops is an absolutely amazing story. The descriptions were very vivid and new characters were added. I felt that they were mysterious and they had a certain edge to them.

The very beginning was a mystery. It literally kept me on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next. I didn't really see anything wrong except some spelling and grammar mistakes.

This is definitely a story that needs to be continued.

Fear the truth by Gothic Sunshine
Review by Sweettwilightfan-4ever1014

Okay I have my review for fear the truth by Gothic sunshine-
Fear the Truth Is a very suspenseful story! I think you write in amazing detail,and express bella very well,I can also see alot of Drama possably coming up in the future, All i see is 1 problem, Your chapters should be longer not just the last one, all of them I think you have amazing Talent you just dont express it enough! other wise your story was wonderful and I enjoyed reading it!

Midnight Horror by Miss Mason

Review by Team Jacober

I think that Midnight Horror is a good story. First of all I want to say that I love the title! I like how it ties together with the story. Very clever :) I thought that the relationship between Daniel and Cary could have been a little more developed. It seemed to me that she loved him instantly because he was beautiful. I realize that his beauty caught her eyes but it still seems a bit fast.

The main plot of the story is a midnight horror (like the title.) I liked how Cary was being haunted by the ghosts. But when she went to go tell her grandma I thought she barely had a reaction. She just takes all this information in too calmly, like she was talking about the weather. I thought she could be as freaked as she was when the ghosts came. (which was a very creepy moment.)

The overall plot was good. Something very orginal and something that has a little twist. Not at all what anyone would expect. The mystery was so amazing to me. As I read more I can piece together the puzzles in my head. The tiny bits of information are very exciting. It makes you wonder what will happen next...

10 reasons to live by Rhia

Review by Gothic Sunshine

Here is my opinion on 10 Reasons To Live:
10 Reasons To Live has the smallest of errors in spelling and grammer and whatnot, but it doesn't take anything away from the suspense. With each line you read, you feel as though you can't stop. It's addicting. Most of the Point of Views' were well written and sounded like the character themself. Very few were disappointing. Each POV is at a length that is average, yet appealing. I am very eager to find out what happens next in 10 Reasons To Live. As the story continues, everything comes together. Even I am curious as to what will happen next. This is quite remarkable work that has been done. It's just the smallest of things that is holding Rhia back. But, it doesn't effect her FanFic as much as it does others. But other than that, I'd say this FanFic gets 4 out of 5 stars.

A change of fate by
constant daydreamer

A change of fate by Constant Daydreamer.
Review by Amanda
In the beginning, a change of fate is a little hard to understand. It seems like it jumps from her being in her bed at home to drawing a picture at school. Also, there were a lot of grammatical errors. Whenever there was quotation marks, it would end like this. Example: "Hello everyone" she said. This is what it should have been. "Hello everyone," she said.

As far as that grammatical error, the only other thing was that in the beginning she said her name was Maybelle, but when she was meeting Danny's sister and her husband, she was called Marabelle.

These few things should be changed, but, other than that, it was a cool story, non twilight related, about a girl, suffering from a past relationship that ended in heart break, and then finding the boy that really like's her. But, I'm interested to see how this is all going to play out, because the quote is, what if the one you wanted to be with, wasn't the one you were supposed to be with.

Unexpected by Amanda Hale
Review by Amanda.

Unexpected is a very good story. The begining makes you wonder. Really it does. The begining shows Spencer(the main character)as a girl that just escaped some sort of orphanage or asylum. But then she relives the days that brought her to this unusual spot. It is not yet finished. But, so far so good. Only a few grammatical errors really. Keep writing Amanda Hale! :)

Critique of Hybrid Love by Renesmee Carlie Cullen
Review by Amanda Hale

here were chapters of this story that really dragged me in and captivated me. The events in the Cullen's' life are very dramatic...probably some of the same events that SM would write about.

There are parts throughout it though that speed by at vampire speed. You never get a real sense of exactly what's happening. I suggest to add in more details (minimum of three per paragraph) that explain the main idea of that chapter. I suggest to also use senses to make the writing even more captivating. Instead of saying 'I immediately burst into tears' you say, 'without any conscious warning, salty liquid pooled in my (insert eye color here) eyes and over flowed, clumping at my chin until they dripped down onto my red satin shirt' this adds more interest to the reading if you know what I mean.

Some parts were also repetitive. I noticed that a lot of the same reactions come from everyone when Nessie tells about her and Jake. Try adding in their facial expressions and other details to make it less choppy.

A few quotation and grammatical errors that are easily fixed. I love the ending to this story and the events in between. Thanks for the great story!

Fallen Angel by Fallen Angel

Review by Amanda

While reading Fallen Angel, I was instantly engrossed. A lot of stories are not detailed, but this one, was filled with detail! It was like reading a story written by a true author!

It's about Emmett McCarty, and his new wife Nissa, dealing with the tragedy of losing their only child, and the sadness of Nissa's infertility. It really is a hard thing to write about, but because Fallen Angel did, we should give her snaps! *Snaps*.

The only two things I saw wrong, were that, there were a few grammar mistakes, but they can easily be fixed as there weren't many. The other thing is that a lot of things were based in our time, not in 1935, when this story is supposed to take place. Nissa was reading a magazine, which they didn't have in 1935, or at least, not what we call it now. There were more, but I don't have time to list them.

But other than that, the story is beautifully written, and could be published, if it weren't about Emmett, and if the things mentioned above were fixed. But, lovely story! :)

Review on The Chinese Coven By Amanda

Review by Heather.

I've finished reading The Chinese Coven. It's very well written, with only one mistake that I saw. Adding a few unnecessary words. I did want to know why everyone's name is Chinese except for the main character, the leader. But that could just be me. The story pulls you into it. Wanting to know more.

My option is that you need to explain how the new vampire came to live with them. Why his parents called on her? Other than that it is very well written and I can't wait to read more.


Thanks Heather. Wendy is a Chinese name, alot of people are named that! :)

what I don't understand is the question, Why his parents called on her? They never did, so that doesn't need to be explained. I'm getting to that, but, it's only been 1 chapter so, not alot is going on! Thanks! :)


I'll explain it better with the paragraph you wrote.
He shrugged. "My parents loved China, they took yearly, sometimes more ofter, travels here. They wanted their only son to have a chinese name, to remind them of their favorite place, I guess. But now it's my turn to ask a question. Why did they call you, when seeing me?

Sorry I didn't know Wendy was a chinese name. But with the paragraph do you understand what I'm saying.

Amanda: Oh Heather, they is Chini and Lee. Chini called Wendy when Ziue was there.
Stories that still need to be critiqued:

Review on Unexpected by Amanda Hale.

Review by Heather.

I've just finished reading Once in a Lifetime. It captured my interest immediately. As you read the story, you can see it playing out in your mind. It is very well written. Only being two chapters but I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. I personally can't wait to read what happens next.

The author is a great story teller. I'm sure I'll see this in the book stores soon. Wow, great work!!

Critique on The Long Road Home by Jessica Brown.
Critique by Amanda
The long road home was different then other stories I have read about Alice and Jasper. For one, the first few chapters are almost like a dream. I really thought that Jessica Brown used awesome wording in her story. Some of the words I was surprised she had used. But, surprised in a good way. Jessica, you have written a wonderful story and I would definitely recommend it to others!

Unexpected By Amanda Hale.
It has been updated from it's original two chapters so someone can review that!
Link included on page 12

Dark high noon
Link included on page 14.

Half-blood by Luna Starfire
Link included on page 14.

Crimson Aurora by harcad0004
Click able banner(link installed, just click the banner) included on page 14.
Elementals by Kaze
Link NOT included, so we DO NOT have to do this one, unless you're up to some searching!




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Replies to This Discussion

hello hello i would lyk my story 2 b reviewed but im not sure how 2 create a link can someone tell me how
Hey there, to create a link you you copy the link you want, then when you are typing in this box you will see and image of a chain link above ^ click on it and get rid of the http:// then paste the URL into it :)
Hope this helps :D x
Laraaah Cullen! I'm back! Yay! :)
Hi guys! Anyone else want to review or give us one to review?
Okay, I'll do it!
I'd like to invite my story to be critiqued, here's the link:
Hope you like it, I'm welcome to all feedback. Thanks!
Glad to have your story Jessica!

Deanna Marie, I'm going to message all of my critics and see if any of them would like to do your story before I go ahead with it, same with you Jessica!
I was wondering if you would like to do my fanfiction Silver Night, Dark Treachery?

Heres the link:

Enjoy! I look forward to my constructive criticism!


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