apples on trees.
The best ones are
at the top of the tree. The
boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
to the top
of the tree.
Ten Commandments of a Teenager
*Please don't do it! It is just a joke and parents out there please don't get mad at me. I didn't make this, I just found it and I thought it was funny so I posted it here*
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having s**
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck k!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
25 Things Perfect Guys Do!
1.The way they always know how to make you smile when you are down
2.How they try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice
3.How they stick up for you, but still respect your independence
4.How they are so wrapped up in everything else, but still have time for
5.The way their arms fit firmly around you
6.The way they hint that they want to kiss you
7.The way their hands always find yours
8.How cute they are when they really want some thing
9.How they never run out of new games to play
10.How they never run out of good jokes
11.How they never run out of love
12.How they are funny, but know when to be serious
13.How they react when they realize they are being funny when they need to
14.The way they are patient when you take forever to get ready
15.How they react when you hit them and it actually hurts
16.The way they smile
17.The way they kiss you
18.The way they try to hide that one stuffed animal when you come over
19.The way they act like Mr. Big
20.The way they apologize for acting like Mr. Big
21.The way they ask you for a pen in class and you know they have one
22.How they are blasting the music when they pick up the phone
23.How they turn it off when they notice that you are on the phone
24.How they look at you durring class and make you get butterflies in your
25.They way they hug you on a bad day and the clouds seem to lift
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel
way to motivate her class. She told them that she
would read a quote and the first student to correctly
identify who said it would receive the rest of the
She started with “This was England’s finest hour.”
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ” Winston
“Congratulations,” said the teacher “you may go
The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can
do for you.”
Before she could finish this quote, another young
lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy”.
“Very good” says the teacher, “you may go.”
Irritated that he has missed two golden
opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those
girls would just shut up.”
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher
demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose
to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you
*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Top 25 Ways to Drive Your Roomate Crazy
1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, “Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!” and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don’t know what
he/she is talking about.
2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, “I can’t live in the same
room with you,” storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, “Okay, your
5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, “Oh, he’s around here
6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate’s potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate’s
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, “He just didn’t
9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.
10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, “That was your mom. She said she’d call back.”
12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, “I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players.”
13. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer”.
14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate’s
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.
18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right
19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It
had to be done.”
20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (”Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)
21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you’d like to have a conversation.
24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,”
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they’re stupid and they don’t know what
they’re talking about.
You could also do this with your annoying sister or brother or anyone sleeping in the same room as you are
50 Fun Things To Do In Class
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, “Quite right, old bean!”
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t
wear it out!”
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry.”
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been
24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5″
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”
45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.