KB Wolfe's Blog (16)

Follow her on one of her dates with Golden Retriever Boy. Burp the abc's non-stop. After your done sing opera. Feel free to be as loud as you want.

Lock her in a room with Bella and Edward and pay the two of them to make out in front of her.

Cut off all her hair. Tell Mike that she did this so he wouldn't like her anymore… watch the fun!

Tell her that Edward wants to go on a date with her. Let her get ready, then cancel and tell her that the…

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Imitate a golden retriever whenever he walks past you.

Tell him that Bella told you that given the choice between him and a vampire, she would pick the vampire. Get Edward to back you up.

Tell him that you know some of his distant cousins. When he asks to know which ones, show him. Bring in your pet retriever.

Take him to the mall in the real world. Let him be beat up by Twilight fans. Ditch him after about an hour.

Say do you still…

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Tell her Edward got Bella pregnant. Or was it Emmett… Warning! You may be in danger from her throwing things/and/or having to guard Eddie, as she might try to kill him! SAVE OUR EDDIE!! :D.

After the first one, tell her that Edward and his family are vampires, Jacob is a werewolf etc. Bring up the fact that you think that the wedding will be lots of fun because all of her new in-laws will be there. If she hasn't passed out yet tell her that Phil just LOVES Esme, Edward's…

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Buy him a motor cycle, tell him Jacob bought it, and pay Jacob to cry when Charlie refuses to ride it and wants to get rid of it.

Tell him the truth about Edward and Jacob (you know what they REALLY are…). Get Edward to back you up. awesome.

Tell him the Police Station fired him and is replacing him with Edward, seeing how he has way faster reflexes.

Set him up with Jessica... have her talk about how hot Edward is all night and how Bella needs to…

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Tell her Bella wasn't sure if she was Edwards daughter or Jaspers. (This one is super-duper because you'll have 4 angry vampires instead of one!)

When she walks in shove human food in her face and say "Bon Appetite". When she says she wants blood. Scream "YOU FAIL. 'HUMANS' (insert Air Quote here) EAT HUMAN FOOD. YOU'LL NEVER LEARN"

Ask her what's she going to name her puppies.

Tell her "Nessie? Did you know Jacob had a big crush on mommy, and…

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Pay a drunken hillbilly to follow her around and track mud/cow poop/etc all over her house.

Tell her Carlisle left her for Edward…and Aro.

Write her life story. Make sure it’s filled with things like how she two-timed Carlisle with Jane and how she is single handedly responsible for Global warming and the decay of the ozone layer. Send it to everyone you can think of. Send Carlisle two copies. Oh, and don’t forget to tell everyone she wrote it.

Next…

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Tell him that Esme left him for a traveling circus clown.

Tell him that the only way to win her heart back is to dress up like a clown and sing the Canadian National Anthem, like her new boyfriend. Invite the WHOLE WORLD to come and watch! You will make a fortune on popcorn!

After the clown incident tell him that Esme left him for a hooker. A female hooker.

Tell him that Edward thinks he’s hot.

Send him some frilly pink lingerie. Tell…

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When he is making his evil plans to get Bella, randomly say things under your breath like “That’s not going to work"

Sign him up for anger management.…no one can deny he doesn’t need it

Force him to read about his death in Twilight. Cry and then laugh under your breath. Make sure he hears both.

Chase him around with garlic. Get Jacob Black to help.

Show him those love letters “Victoria” sent Edward.

Force him to play…

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Force him to read Alice slash and/or Jasper slash. When you’re done force him to write some. Note: It is advised you do not wear nice clothes because of the barfing hazard.

Send Alice gushy love notes from Mike, and make him read them all. Pay Mike to hit on Alice while she is with Jasper.

Get Alice and the rest of the Cullens to go someplace for the day. Don’t tell Jasper where Alice and Edward are. When he asks about them get all teary and say that they eloped…

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Tell her that Edward didn’t really kill James. James killed himself because he was tragically in love with Bella, but she loved another…

 

Mention that you think some counseling and yoga classes would do wonders for her temper. Take the liberty of signing her up for some classes.

 

In a casual conversation with her, say, “So are you like still obsessed with that James guy? I mean he is like so ugly. I totally don’t know what you ever saw in him.” Run.…

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take away all her left shoes



hide all her makeup brushes



take all lids off liquid makeup products



hide above listed items in La Push



Hide in La Push so she can’t “see” you



badly paint (or graffiti) her beloved yellow car



go through her closet with paintball guns, spray paint guns, chainsaw, or all 3…evil grin



let Jasper in on it and put him in some danger to distract Alice’s “eye”



tell her she’s… Continue

Tell him Barney doesn't exist



Remind him he has the least fangirls



Ask him how he feels as always being the youngest.



Stick a Hug Me sign on his back.



Steal his teddy bear; tell him to hug himself.



Tell him he has grizzly stuck inbetween his teeth.



one of Rosalie's admirerers that she has a crush on him, and get him to surprise kiss her... right infront of Emmett.



Ask him why none of his powers have intensified.When he… Continue

Tell her that Bella is a thousand times prettier than her.



Tell her that Emmett has a tattoo of Bella on his back.



Tell her Jacob has imprinted on her.



Ask her if Jasper and her are supposed to be twins, why is he better looking?



Follow her around all day when she asks what are you doing, say "I'm trying to figure out how a vampire could be so freaking ugly.



Walk in on her and emmett then sit between them and start reading a bedtime… Continue

Tell her that Edward left her for Jane.



Tell her that Jane dumped him.



Then he went to Victoria.



When she says, “Victoria’s dead!” say, “I know.” And walk away.



Put a fake dog tail in her sandwich at lunch



When she finds it say, “Poor Jacob…”



Give her a flier that says, “vampire slayers wanted.”



Steal her bracelet then go to school to show it off to Edward and say, “Look what Bella gave to me, she said she didn’t want… Continue

When he’s in his wolf form, steal his pants.



When he’s a wolf and not paying attention, shave all the fur on his rear end off.



Buy him a load of dog toys.



Follow him around singing loud and off-key, “Who let the dogs out? Who who who who!”



Paint his motorcycle hot pink



Put up missing dog posters with his name on them.



Lick your fingers and touch his chest, making a sizzling sound.



Ask him about Air Bud, his… Continue

Tie Bella to some railroad tracks. When he gets mad, say, "Wow! A little overprotective aren't we? I'm sure Jacob wouldn't mind."



Say, "HEY! Aren't you that guy from Harry Potter?!"



Use vampire expressions like, "Holy Dracula!" and "Goodbye Sweet Transylvania."



Visualize yourself naked.



Ask him to help you do something impossible (ex: Save the world.) When he says he can't, say, "I'm sure Jacob could help me."



When flying on an airplane,… Continue