Tell her Carlisle left her for Edward…and Aro.
Write her life story. Make sure it’s filled with things like how she two-timed Carlisle with Jane and how she is single handedly responsible for Global warming and the decay of the ozone layer. Send it to everyone you can think of. Send Carlisle two copies. Oh, and don’t forget to tell everyone she wrote it.
Tell him that the only way to win her heart back is to dress up like a clown and sing the Canadian National Anthem, like her new boyfriend. Invite the WHOLE WORLD to come and watch! You will make a fortune on popcorn!
After the clown incident tell him that Esme left him for a hooker. A female hooker.
Tell him that Edward thinks he’s hot.
Send him some frilly pink lingerie. Tell…Continue
When he is making his evil plans to get Bella, randomly say things under your breath like “That’s not going to work"
Sign him up for anger management.…no one can deny he doesn’t need it
Force him to read about his death in Twilight. Cry and then laugh under your breath. Make sure he hears both.
Chase him around with garlic. Get Jacob Black to help.
Show him those love letters “Victoria” sent Edward.
Force him to play…Continue
Send Alice gushy love notes from Mike, and make him read them all. Pay Mike to hit on Alice while she is with Jasper.
Get Alice and the rest of the Cullens to go someplace for the day. Don’t tell Jasper where Alice and Edward are. When he asks about them get all teary and say that they eloped…Continue
Mention that you think some counseling and yoga classes would do wonders for her temper. Take the liberty of signing her up for some classes.
In a casual conversation with her, say, “So are you like still obsessed with that James guy? I mean he is like so ugly. I totally don’t know what you ever saw in him.” Run.…Continue