Follow her on one of her dates with Golden Retriever Boy. Burp the abc's non-stop. After your done sing opera. Feel free to be as loud as you want.
Lock her in a room with Bella and Edward and pay the two of them to make out in front of her.
Cut off all her hair. Tell Mike that she did this so he wouldn't like her anymore… watch the fun!
Tell her that Edward wants to go on a date with her. Let her get ready, then cancel and tell her that the…Continue
Imitate a golden retriever whenever he walks past you.
Tell him that Bella told you that given the choice between him and a vampire, she would pick the vampire. Get Edward to back you up.
Tell him that you know some of his distant cousins. When he asks to know which ones, show him. Bring in your pet retriever.
Take him to the mall in the real world. Let him be beat up by Twilight fans. Ditch him after about an hour.
Say do you still…Continue
After the first one, tell her that Edward and his family are vampires, Jacob is a werewolf etc. Bring up the fact that you think that the wedding will be lots of fun because all of her new in-laws will be there. If she hasn't passed out yet tell her that Phil just LOVES Esme, Edward's…Continue
Buy him a motor cycle, tell him Jacob bought it, and pay Jacob to cry when Charlie refuses to ride it and wants to get rid of it.
Tell him the truth about Edward and Jacob (you know what they REALLY are…). Get Edward to back you up. awesome.
Tell him the Police Station fired him and is replacing him with Edward, seeing how he has way faster reflexes.
Set him up with Jessica... have her talk about how hot Edward is all night and how Bella needs to…Continue
Tell her Bella wasn't sure if she was Edwards daughter or Jaspers. (This one is super-duper because you'll have 4 angry vampires instead of one!)
When she walks in shove human food in her face and say "Bon Appetite". When she says she wants blood. Scream "YOU FAIL. 'HUMANS' (insert Air Quote here) EAT HUMAN FOOD. YOU'LL NEVER LEARN"
Ask her what's she going to name her puppies.
Tell her "Nessie? Did you know Jacob had a big crush on mommy, and…Continue