It always amazes me how much young people take advantage of their life and the way it continues to change and slip through their hands. I wish I was as fortunate... Instead I sit here staring out the window of this old dusty diner. Reading the most current teen gossip magazine. Feeling so irritated. I dont know why I keep coming back here if all it ever does is make me more depressed. For some reason every Monday I dragged myself here and wasted a good hour reading this trash. Over and over and over again. Sometimes i would dwell on the same sentance, the same word even, for 5 minutes straight. What was wrong with me. Had I lost all dreams, hopes, and happiness forever. I didnt even have worry, or anxiety. I'm just existing. Barely. It's not like i have anything better to do. Renesmee is always there. If she's not devoting every minute she is alive to Jacob. I got a bad taste in my mouth. Ugh Jacob. That leaves Edward. I wish I could say I still have as much love and intrest for him as the day we met. But I can't. Nobody really notices though. Except Jasper. He questioned me after feeling the tension between us. So I told him that Edward and I have been fighting lately. Mostly about nothing. My depression. it seems selfish to be depressed when I have the most amazing husband on the planet. It made more depressed. To know that I'm not giving my share of the marriage. But I can't help it. I sometimes wish that Edward and I would have waited. he would have been fine with it. I'm happy with Renesmee. I don't regret her at all. But maybe if we could have just waited a few years. Or decades. To give me more human time. To travel the world just Edward and I. But I can't do anything about it now. I just have to make the best of my past decisions. I must have sighed unusually loud. People's heads snapped up. I just ignored them. It's probably best if I return home. That didn't sound very appealing. Edward had been acting unusually silent and acting weird around Renesmme lately. I didn't really care. That doesn't sound like me. To not care about the obvious secret Edward knew. It seems that's all my life is about. Secrets and lies. Two words that were often too familiar. I've become immune to the words. I heard them so much. My whole life was a huge nasty secret to the rest of the world. The last time I talked to my family outside the Cullens was around two years ago. Renee thought something was up when i kept refusing visits. She finally came up here secretly. It was all to much for her. Renesmee was already taller than I was. And there was no question about her being my daughter. She left immediately and went home. Last I heard she checked herself into a mental institution. Edward was shocked when I wasn't completely crushed. I was too. But it just added to my depression. Charlie somewhat is starting to understand everything. He often sees Renesmee. She visits all the time. I stopped talking to him after he married Sue Clearwater. I don't like that. I don't know why. I guess cuz Leah and Seth don't like it. They are good friends with Jake and Nes. Renesmee just finished college. Homeschooling herself through regular school. I was proud of her. Well I better go home. Edward has probably already called. I picked up my phone. Wow. Edward has called 46 times to be exact. Sounds urgent. On second thought maybe I'll read this magazine a 5th time.